Whereas brats rarely feel guilt, rebels are quite prone to it. After all, they aren't rebelling because they want to hurt people for the most part. They're rebelling because they feel they know best and refuse to be constrained by silly rules made by people they don't respect. A rebel will respond to the demands of someone on a power trip with intentional sloth. But give them someone truly in need and they will expend all their effort to help. Of course, the helpee is also much more likely to respect said rebel than the overbearing authority figure.
This is an issue to discuss with respect to getting things done because we intuitively know that guilt works to get our inner rebels moving. Their surprisingly tender hearts will often get them up and busy when nothing else will. The problem is we tend to abuse this strategy to the point that it backfires. Guilt is such a painful emotion for the rebel that if we heap it on, the rebel may just plug her ears and ignore us, even when the guilt is appropriate.
Here are some examples of the inappropiate use of guilt as a rebel motivating tool:
How can you stuff your face when there are millions of people who don't have enough to eat?
There are so many unemployed people right now who would kill to have your job and all you can do is whine about what you have to do
Think of all the infertile women who would love to have a child and all you can do is complain about how crazy yours are driving you
Instead, consider posing these guilt-free questions:
What need are you meeting with food that you could meet in more constructive ways?
Is there a way you could make your job more satisfying or are you ready to look for a new one?
When are your children easiest to be around and is there a way you could encourage that environment more often?
Guilt is effective with your inner rebel, but it should be used sparingly. Use it when your grandma is in the hospital and your rebel wants to finish watching all the episodes of her favorite TV show on Netflix before visiting her.
A good clue that you're using guilt to motivate is the word 'should' and its derivatives. What kinds of shoulds have you heaped on your inner rebel to no avail?
It’s the wedding that my husband’s family and I have looked forward to for so long. The bride was the oldest flower girl in our wedding and now my daughter is the oldest flower girl in hers. She is also the first niece or nephew to get married. It was such a beautiful wedding and we are believing that God will make a beautiful marriage for this lovely couple.
It’s not a clear photo, but it’s one of my favorites because I got the groom’s expression when he first sees his gorgeous bride. He told my husband that it took a while before he could breathe when he saw her. Isn’t that romantic?
The wedding was also a great photo op. Unfortunately Sam’s eyes are closed, but I love this shot of the wedding attendees.
I shared with the bride’s sister that weddings are such a great opportunity for affirming marriage as well. Mark and I had a blast dancing and recalling our own wedding almost 19 years ago! Hard to believe it’s been that long.
As Jesus is the One Who has given us all of our time, we ought to give Him the first fruits of it. For me, this means regularly having devotions the first part of the day. Spending time with the Lord became very easy for me when I chose to spend the time in a way I enjoy. I like variety, but right now, I read several devotionals, then a chapter of the Bible or two, and end with prayer.
Putting Jesus first doesn't just mean giving Him our time; it also means asking Him what He would have us do with our time. I have come to enjoy my alone time with God so much that I can get a little cranky when my husband crashes the party! But I know that Jesus' desire is that I devote my time to my husband as well because the O in JOY is for
Others
We know from Jesus' example that we are to put others before ourselves. If I have done what I know the Lord would have me do, then I can ask myself what my husband would have me do. I can even ask him directly! Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page about what needs to be done for the most part. Some days, however, I must admit that he would rather have me do laundry when I'd rather be reading. You single ladies, take note!
After doing things that would please my husband, I can decide if my children are in need or would be particularly blessed by something I could do. Some mornings, breakfast is all the blessing I can muster! But on other days, I may decide that I've put off doing a craft or just playing with them long enough. I have a large family, but I need to consider the needs of other family members, friends, and co-workers as well. Any commitments I have made to others should come before my to-do's.
Yourself
Finally, we can think about ourselves. You might be wondering how on earth we can be all things to everyone who needs us and still have time to do anything for ourselves! Some days that's a real challenge for me. But here is the blessing.
First, spending time with the Lord and giving to others is the best thing I can do for me. My energy and mood are renewed. Second, God can guide us in what to do for others and when. He doesn't expect us to run around serving everyone. Sometimes the best way to serve others is to allow them to depend on God or learn to meet their own needs. He gives us the discernment we need when we need it. Third, some seemingly selfish activities are actually serving the Lord and others, too. For example, my husband loves it when I exercise and the kids love having an energetic, less-stressed mom as a result.
How can we use TODAY, TOMORROW, and TOWARD together with JOY for deciding what to do on any given day? Here's how your to-do list might look:
What would Jesus have me do today?
What do my husband, kids, friends, co-workers/boss need me to do for them today?
What do I need to do for me today?
What would Jesus have me do today to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What would my husband, kids, friends, co-workers have me do to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
Who do I need to do for myself today in advance of tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What goals or dreams would Jesus have me work toward today?
What goals or dreams would the people I love and work with want me to help them work toward today?
What goals or dreams do I want to work toward today?
Some days, you may spend all day on #1, but you won't be sorry like you would be if you just web surfed the day away. Give the JOY method a try!
It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 19 years since I was a bride, but even harder to believe that the darling flower girl to my right is going to be a bride herself this Saturday. What a wonderful reminder to cherish every moment as we see how quickly they pass by. We love you, Amy, and we wish you every happiness!
I was awakened by a phone call a couple weeks ago asking my husband if I’d used my credit card to buy a $500 watch to be shipped to California. My husband replied that I was sleeping, so probably not. I then had to allow my credit card company to shut down my account. We only carry two major credit cards so I was down to one.
That afternoon I had to put a big educational purchase on a credit card that I don’t use that often. To give them the number, I pulled my wallet out of my purse. It was a busy day because I needed to buy LOTS of groceries to get ready for the boys’ annual family birthday party. So I had my cart piled high and was checking out when I discovered that I had no wallet in my purse. I sheepishly asked if I could run home and get my wallet and come back. (Honestly, I wasn’t that sheepish. I’ve done this so many times, I’ve gotten pretty jaded).
I was delighted to discover that my checkout lane was wide open when I returned with my wallet so I popped in and slid my card through the handy dandy reader only to have it be declined. Then I tried it again with the same result. I was freaking out at this point that the crook who had my first card also had my second. I looked up my account on my phone and could see that all was well. I went over to customer service and had them verify that the problem wasn’t multiple charges of the same amount (as they showed up on my account). I could hear my groceries melting while they discussed this. After verifying that I hadn’t been charged, they rang me up for the groceries for one penny less and I got the lovely DECLINED message again. The only thing worse than seeing the word DECLINED on the card reader is seeing the look at the cashier’s face when she sees it, too.
I called the credit card company from the store and got the automated message telling me to verify my charges. I did that. Then I tried getting cash from the ATM machine. Many times. No go. So I called the company back to hear that they had unusually high call volume. I told the customer service people at the store that I was going home to get my checkbook. They said, “Uh-huh.”
I finally spoke to a human being while I was in the car driving home who assured me that I could pay for my groceries with the card. I said, “I’m sure I could, but I honestly couldn’t bear the humiliation of it not working AGAIN. So I’ll write a check.” When I got home, my 8yo wanted to know why I kept coming home with no groceries. I took him along with me, only because I thought he made me look more respectable.
When I arrived at the store, my groceries were in the cooler which was a good thing, only I had to wait for someone to retrieve them. Why, you ask, didn’t I just blow it off? Well, because I’d spent an hour shopping for those groceries and I was having a party the next day. It was then or never. So I wrote my check and handed them my driver’s license since I knew they’d want it bagged my groceries, and went home.
My husband said, “What took you so long?”
This post was inspired by my friend Gregg’s post and my friend, Barbie’s, nagging and many thanks to Lisa Newton for her photo.
Yesterday my husband, son, and I were driving slowly along an unfamiliar street and stopped at an intersection. The car behind us started honking wildly. I was sure we either knew the person or the driver was trying to alert us to some unknown danger. My husband thought he was just tired of our poking along so waved him on. The driver gunned past us and came to a screeching halt just yards to our right. When the man angrily emerged from his car and headed toward us, I had just one thought: Go!
I’m still not sure what my husband was thinking, but I do know he just sat there watching the guy approach. I kept screaming for him to hit the gas to no avail. It’s true that the man had no visible weapon. It’s also true that I’ve behaved a lot like my husband in the past when it comes to crazy people. I’ve just stayed put and taken a beating. No weapons were visible, but I was left bruised and battered just the same.
I am so thankful that I now know to steer clear of crazies. I am now fully convinced that I can never be nice enough to talk sense into them. I hit the gas! Thankfully my husband eventually drove on and the anger management school flunkie didn’t follow us.
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered (Proverbs 22:24)
Do you steer clear of crazy or do you go round and round with them?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
