Yesterday I was wearing high-heeled shoes when I was working my husband’s booth and speaking at a conference for librarians. I’m definitely a tennis shoes gal so it wasn’t long before my toes were screaming. For some reason, my right foot was the only one that gave me fits. Never fear, I had 3 bandages in my purse that I used to prevent three of my toes from sustaining serious damage. I managed to survive until I arrived home and could slip into some comfier footwear.
This morning I was craving a walk so threw on an especially comfortable pair of tennis shoes in preparation. Only they weren’t comfortable at all. In fact, the toes on my right foot continued to holler for relief. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with my wonderful shoes. Then I remembered the bandages still left on my toes. After removing the unnecessary protection, my tennis shoes felt great once again.
I realized that this wasn’t the first time I had left band-aids on too long. When I was growing up, I was harassed and abused by my school mates. Most evenings I cried about the teasing, the rejection, and even the beatings I endured at school. I insisted my parents say nothing as I feared the mistreatment would escalate. I protected myself by stoically refusing to cry in front of my tormenters.
That bandage worked when I was in school and had to survive, but continuing to wear it gave me unnecessary pain. I put up with mistreatment from others as an adult woman, failing to realize that I no longer had to. I continued to keep the hurt to myself, only letting the tears come in private. Only in the last few years have I realized I don’t have to wear these shoes. I’ve learned that it’s time to take the bandages off and say “ouch” when someone steps on my toes.
I usually use this blog to brag on my kids (or tell on them?), but today I want to brag on my mom.
Before last year, my mom had always smoked. Both my parents did. I remember being shown a smoker’s lung in school and trying to convince them to quit smoking to no avail. Once my mom and dad decided to quit when I was about ten. They gave me all the cigarettes they had and asked me to hide them and not tell them where they were no matter what. Well, it wasn’t long before they were threatening to kill me if I didn’t tell them where they were and I coughed them up. I wouldn’t make a very good Jack Bauer. lol
My dad finally quit cold turkey late in life, but it was too late for him. He developed COPD a couple years later and spent his last years on oxygen. It was heartbreaking for me. I wanted my mom to quit sooner than my dad had, but she wasn’t very open to the idea. I understood because my mom has seizures and MS and both these serious physical problems get much worse when she is off nicotine.
A year ago I prayed a prayer I didn’t believe God would answer. I said, “Lord, please help my mom and her husband quit smoking.” I literally thought, “That’ll never happen” as I prayed it. I was so surprised when two weeks later my mom told me she was going to quit. I was stunned when two weeks after that her husband quit. What was even more amazing is that they both have been smoke-free for a year. Only 7% of people who use nicotene patches like my mom did are smoke-free six months later. My mom endured terrible neurological symptoms in the process of quitting, yet persevered.
I am so thankful that God answered my unbelieving prayer and that the kids and I may have my mom and her husband around a lot longer as a result! If you have a moment, visit my mom’s blog and congratulate her. I know it would mean a lot to her.
As long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with disappointment. When things didn’t happen as planned, when friends let me down, when my boyfriend didn’t show up for a date (yes, that happened on numerous occasions!), I moved beyond disappointment to depression. I had such high hopes! And being a mostly positive, forgiving person, I set myself up for further disappointment.
You know the saying, “Fool me once, shame on me”? My motto was, “Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me three times…gee, this is disappointing.”
Since learning about Fools from Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life, I’ve been fooled less often. But I have still battled disappointment. Sure, I know that my hope is in God, not in others, and certainly not in myself! But until God’s answer to my most recent disappointment, I was still very discouraged by what people in my life were doing or not doing.
This morning I read this verse:
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
For me, hoping in the Lord was more like hoping that God would change my Fools so they wouldn’t keep disappointing me.
This morning, however, I realized that God is not asking me to hope in what He will do for me, but hope in Who He is.
And He is the One Who never disappoints. He is perfect and holy and just and loving and beautiful. The beginning and the end. He is everything and anything that is good. I can COUNT on Him! If I had nothing and no one else, I would have more than enough.
When I am disappointed and discouraged, I am weak and exhausted. I feel like Elijah in the wilderness. Elijah became so overwhelmed by disappointing Fools, that he just wanted to give up. That’s the result of hoping in yourself and hoping in someone else. But when we hope in the Lord, there isn’t anything too hard for us. We have the energy and the stamina to persevere!
Today I keep singing one of my favorite contemporary songs:
Our hope is in You, Lord…
Our strength is in You, Lord…
In You, it’s in You!
If you are disappointed today, draw near to the God who will never, ever let you down.
I believe it was Josh McDowell who said, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." I’m sure he was discussing parenting. If you are strict with your kids and don’t have their hearts, they’re likely to defy you. I think we can all think of families where this has been true. I see many, many families who don’t have real relationships with their kids because of busy schedules. But these days I don’t see all that many families with lots of rules. Most have given up on those, too, because they’re so time-consuming to enforce. The result seems to be the same.
I just shared with a group of parents (in the context of discussing teens and dating) that it will not matter what they say to their kids unless they really spend time enjoying one another. If your kids don’t feel close to you, like you really care, you may as well save your breath.
What I realized today is that this principle applies to more than just parenting. If we have rules in our marriage or friendships, but don’t have the relationship to sustain them, there’s going to be a reaction! Imagine, for example, that you haven’t been really encouraging your girlfriend. You haven’t taken time to call her or see her. You then tell her how upset you are that she didn’t send you a thank you card for the gift you gave her for her birthday six months ago. How’s that likely to go over?
We all have rules for how we think relationships should be done. Don’t tell your husband what I said about mine. Don’t call me after 9. I want a real, not emailed birthday card. It’s fine to have them! But if your relationship isn’t in a good place, it’s inadvisable to try and enforce them. Return to the activities that bring you closer. Shoot hoops with your son. Take your daughter shopping or vice versa! Go out for lunch and share some laughs with your girlfriend. Go for a walk with your husband. When someone loves you, they’re more likely to abide by your rules.
The chapter of So You’re Not Wonder Woman? entitled “With Justice for All” deals in large part with difficult relationships–specifically relationships with people the Bible calls Fools. These are not unintelligent people. On the contrary, they are often very intelligent. But the way they relate to others can drive you crazy! If you have a relationship that just seems impossible–if you’ve tried it all and it doesn’t work–I highly recommend Fool-Proofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. The book can change your life. It did mine.
The hardest part of recognizing that you’ve surrounded yourself with Fools is knowing that there is no painless way out of those relationships. Most of the time you feel like you’re going to lose your mind if you continue with the status quo, but you fear what will happen if you draw a line in the sand. I have slowly been withdrawing myself from Foolish relationships, whether that be literally or just emotionally. The benefits have been a lot less stress and more self-confidence. They have come at a price, however. When a Fool goes, he rarely goes alone. He will try to take someone you really value with him.
Years ago I read a fascinating book on stalking called I Know You Really Love Me.
The advice of the psychiatrist/author/stalking victim was to always tell everyone that you have a stalker. Making everyone you live and work with aware of the problem can save your life! Until today, I never thought to apply this good advice to Fools. I always thought Wonder Women didn’t gossip by telling anyone about their problem person. I was wrong. On more than one occasion my protection of my Fool has cost me very dear friendships. If I had warned my friends about what my Fool might do, I may still have those friendships today. Jealousy is a very powerful emotion and is often at the heart of this kind of behavior. It’s what motivated Cain to kill Abel (Read Genesis 4).
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
