Like you, I’ve been hurt many, many times. While the scrapes, burns, and injuries are soon forgotten, the emotional hurts can fester for years. I have not become perfectly proficient in healing relationship wounds, but I have learned a few things professionally and personally. Perhaps one of these “bandages” will help you handle hurt, too.
Admit you’re hurt. Denying that someone hurt you makes it more likely that you will act out and hurt yourself or someone else. Even if you don’t have the courage to tell the person who hurt you, acknowledge the pain and tell someone you trust.
Get it out. Like thorns in the flesh, emotional wounds that aren’t removed can infect us, destroying our health. I’ve found the best ways to get it out are to write it out, talk it out, and cry it out.
Look for the root. Seeking to understand the real cause of the hurt can help you heal. Most of the time we’re either being overly sensitive or the perpetrator is acting out of her own pain. Often what was said or done isn’t about us. Understanding doesn’t excuse wrong behavior, but enables us to get over it more quickly.
Don’t take it too seriously. Some of the things people say and do that are hurtful are quite comical when you look at them a different way. My master’s research was on laughter’s impact on pain perception. Humor helps physical pain, but it’s a great analgesic for relationship hurts, too.
Don’t pick at the wound. Once we’ve shared our heart with a trusted confidante, continuing to talk about the painful words or behavior is like reopening a scab. Commit to leaving it alone so it will heal.
Exchange your hope. We may find ourselves hoping that the perpetrator will finally understand how they’ve hurt us and will express their deep regret for doing so. That kind of hope leaves our wounds open to infection. Instead, hope in the God who allowed the situation so He could work it for your good and His glory.
Pray for the one who hurt you. The most healing prayer is not that the perpetrator will be hit by a speeding bus! Instead, pray that the Lord would heal her and forgive her so she will not hurt herself or others anymore. Of course, as we pray we recognize that we have inadvertently hurt others, too. Thank God for His mercy and forgiveness.
If none of these help, email me. My husband is a black belt in ju jitsu and he would be happy to beat up the person who hurt your feelings. Hope that made you smile. 🙂
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
I went to the funeral of my husband's beloved uncle today. And I was surprised.
No one mentioned his weight, his body fat percentage, his golf handicap, his IQ, his investment return, Amazon ranking, his Klout score, number of Facebook friends, followers, or blog page views.
They did mention how many grandchildren he had, but really the only impressive statistic was 69–the number of years he was married to the same woman. Despite this veritable dearth of evidence of greatness, people really seemed to have loved him.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:7)
Can you tell that I am focused on energy lately? Just as I have sought out ways to jump start my productivity, I am interested in energizing my prayer time.
I use the Prayer Lists app from iTunes to organize my prayers. I divide our extended family and concerns (health, salvation, etc.) into days so my prayers are more manageable. But lately my list has still seemed long. Getting through it has been almost as challenging as tackling my task list.
I believe that the key to powering up prayer time can be found in Philippians 4:6:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
The phrase “with thanksgiving” is set apart, giving it special emphasis. I have tried to implement this many times in the past. I have started prayer time with praise and thanksgiving. Sometimes I felt like I was buttering God up so He would be more likely to give me what I want. Sometimes I have been in such distress that I have struggled to identify what I am thankful for. Know the feeling?
This week I had an aha moment that started my prayer time on a whole new and more powerful path. What if I thanked God for something related to each item on my prayer list, rather than having a separate time of giving thanks, I wondered. Rather than thanking God for being faithful, a healer, and for my home, family, health, and more, I would read the name of a friend who was undergoing cancer treatment, for example. Before asking for her healing, strength, and comfort, I thanked God for keeping her alive to this day, against all the odds. I thanked Him for her faith. I thanked Him for the medical care He has provided. THEN I made my request on her behalf. I took thanksgiving one step further. I thanked God in advance for answering my prayer in a way that would glorify Him and would be for my friend’s good. There is no question that this is exactly what God will do. Hallelujah!
Previously, I would get through my prayer list feeling overwhelmed and defeated. So many things are going wrong today. So many people are hurting. So many have rejected God. It was positively depressing. But giving thanks in each individual request gives me the opposite perspective. I see how much God has already done in even the most challenging of circumstances. And I come to believe that He will do even more.
So right now I am thanking God for the Internet, that I took typing in high school, and that He has led your to read these words. Now I am asking Him to move you to pray so you might be blessed. Finally, I am thanking Him that He will bring glory to His name through you, friend. Amen.
If I may have the privilege of adding you to my prayer list, email me at melphd at aol dot com.
Imagine driving a reliable car and then one day finding that it won't start. Your reaction? Start shopping for a new car! Ludicrous, isn't it. Yet, that's what so many of us are tempted to do when our reliable system for getting things done breaks down.
For the last month, my engine hasn't been starting. I've let things pile up. I've got no get up and go. Are you in the driveway with me? Let's look at potential reasons our productivity has stalled:
We're run down. The most likely reason for a vehicle failing to start is we've left something on (because a door is open) all night. Or so many things are drawing energy from us, that we can't keep up. Not getting enough sleep and giving out emotional energy to lots of different people and situations is a recipe for a run-down battery. I've been way too busy and have dealt with many difficult emotional situations to boot this month.
Poor connections. When connections with your battery are loose or corroded, you won't get the fire you need to get started. The connections we need to get things done are the relationship we have with the Lord and with people who love us. If you haven't been spending adequate time with these vital connections, you will shut down. Although I have had time with the Lord, I haven't had enough time with encouraging people lately.
Equipment failure. Sometimes I've had a car with a bad starter. And sometimes our bodies aren't functioning optimally. If we are ill, going through hormonal shifts, or are depressed, we will have difficulty feeling motivated. Sometimes equipment failure comes as a result of poor maintenance. Maintenance for our bodies comes in the form of proper nutrition, exercise, and physical exams. I had let my exercise intensity slip and as I felt more sluggish, my nutrition was suffering as well.
Notice that none of these diagnoses demand a new car. In the same way, if you are struggling to accomplish things, the answer is not likely to be a new time management approach. When I get into a slump like I did this past month, I am tempted to surf the web looking for new productivity ideas and apps. Past experience leads me to believe, however, that there is no app or approach to getting things done that is going to put me in gear and keep me there. My current approach to managing my time and tasks is actually quite reliable. And furthermore, even as I have let things go, nothing catastrophic has happened. I lost a few dollars in library fines, but that's it.
So if a shiny new productivity system isn't the answer, what is? A jump start. Nine times out of ten, when my car won't start, a jump will do the trick. Here's how I have gotten my productivity jump start:
Get a jump start right now. Typically, when I go out to my car, I need to get somewhere. Now. The priority is to take action immediately. When we're in a productivity slump, we need to focus on the moment. Avoid thinking about how you'll handle everything tomorrow, next week, or next month. Make a fresh start right now and decide what you will accomplish in what's left of today.
Open the hood. It's hard to jump start a car if you don't do that. Yet we often expect things to magically get better when we're in a slump. Open up your calendar, your to-do notebook, or task software. Clear away the cobwebs–the stuff that is already outdated. Likewise, move tasks that don't need to be addressed soon to a different list, context, or date. Often, just looking at your list will motivate you.
Recharge. Sometimes cars that need a jump start have batteries that have been run so low that they need time to be plugged in and recharged. I recognized what had been draining me and I did something about it. I made plans to have lunch with a friend who encouraged me. I slept in. I made myself exercise and eat right even when I didn't want to. I took more time for prayer and Bible reading. And I unplugged from people and issues that were draining me.
Choose a destination. Having a car that starts isn't much good if you don't know where you're going. In order to make best use of your jump start, choose a short-term goal that will get you up and moving. A friend of mine and I made a list of seven projects we wanted to complete in the next two weeks. Then we started sharing our daily progress with each other via iDoneThis.
I'm happy to report that my productivity engine is running smoothly again. I pray that something I've written will be the spark you need to get going, too, without a new system!
I also told them about the gracious hand of my God on me and what the king had said to me. They replied, “Let us start rebuilding.” So they began this good work. (Nehemiah 2:18)
The most popular question I get when I encourage parents to consider homeschooling is this one. Parents who have difficulty getting a child to do homework wonder how on earth they can teach him anything!
If you were to ask me, a psychologist and experienced homeschooler this question, here is how I would answer you:
If your child won’t listen to you, isn’t that a problem no matter where she goes to school? Even though your child may cooperate with her teachers, is it really working for you to battle over homework every night? What hope do you have that your child will listen to you when it comes to even more serious issues like use of the car, curfews, and alcohol use? Usually this answer gets parents thinking.
Obedience is a core subject. You may spend more time teaching it than any other, especially at the beginning of homeschooling. You will also learn more about your child and yourself as a parent than you thought possible. Improvement in obedience may be a bigger blessing than academic achievement.
You don’t have to homeschool to start working on obedience now. To get help, consult the greatest parenting expert I know and His book, free of charge. See Him first, and if you need some more examples of how to handle strong-willed kids, I like any of the Love & Logic books. Of course, there are other excellent resources out there, but this would be a great start. Once you see progress, reconsider homeschooling.
Fear is a very poor reason to miss a great opportunity. If parents told me they had no interest in homeschooling AND their kids don’t listen to them, I wouldn’t be as sad for them as I am for parents who truly desire to home educate, but don’t for the sake of fear. I understand fear because I had a lot of it as I considered homeschooling. Turns out I should have had even more fears because I was completely clueless about the challenges that lay ahead! But God has been faithful to accompany me on this journey. I once feared what I would miss out on by homeschooling and now homeschooling is an opportunity I wouldn’t miss for the world.
If you aren’t willing to teach discipline, you may want to keep your child in school. Without discipline, nothing can be learned. As homeschoolers unwilling to require obedience, we become like the inept substitute teachers I had in school. Chaos will reign and education will cease.
I encourage you to pray about this important decision. Homeschooling won’t solve all your family problems, but it can provide you with more time to work on them, if you’re willing.
I really believe that I have tried absolutely everything to get my kids doing chores thoroughly and independently. I have tried every conceivable chore chart: refrigerator, printed, spur-of-the-moment, elaborate peg boards, computer, iPad, clip-on. My current system is an improvement over the past. However, the main reason chores aren’t as much of a problem today is because my youngest is almost six. Everyone can do every chore (especially with help).
My current system is a simple table created in Word, listing morning and evening chores for each child for each day of the week. Every chore rotates to each child and even to mom or dad. Chores include clearing and wiping the table and counters, unloading the dishwasher, loading the dishwasher, cleaning various bathrooms, taking care of the dog, helping with meals, and picking up various rooms. Chores everyone has to do daily (e.g., make your bed) are not listed on the chart, nor are weekly individual chores (e.g., vacuuming). I use another list for the latter.
People with smaller, non-homeschooling families often marvel at our chore chart which is posted on the refrigerator. I wish they wouldn’t, because frankly our chore chart doesn’t work. Sure, it works better than anything else has, but in my mind, it’s still a complete failure. For example, when it’s my turn to clean the bathroom, it’s clear it hasn’t been cleaned all week, despite cheerful proclamations by my kids that they’ve done it. When it comes to evening chores, we all take turns not doing them. Don’t get me wrong. We have co-op meet in our house each week and lots of company, so our house gets cleaned. But not as quickly or as peacefully as it should be.
I was listening to a promo for Dr. Randy Carlson’s program, Intentional Living, when a mom complained that she couldn’t get her kids to clean their rooms, despite all of her nagging. She said she usually just broke down and cleaned their rooms because it was her house and she wanted it clean. Dr. Randy said (and I’m paraphrasing), “So essentially you’ve trained your kids to believe that they have a really crabby maid.” LOL! Wow, that sounds familiar, only I’ve also trained my kids that they have a really crabby mom. I spend lots of time complaining about the kids not doing their chores or doing them really poorly. Then I become the drill sergeant who insists that they get them done NOW.
So yesterday for the 8,000th time, I sat before the Lord really, really frustrated about chores. Sure, I knew I needed to check their chores. I knew it was all my fault. But knowing this had never solved the problem. In the movie, Courageous, a father tells his pastor, “I just wanna know how to be a good dad.” That’s what I said to the Lord yesterday. Lord, I just want to know how to be a good mom. I really want to solve this chore challenge. If you tell me what to do, I will do it.
Honestly, I expected God to tell me that I was lazy and selfish and I would have agreed! Instead, he surprised me with an insight that has completely changed the way I am approaching chores and character, too! Here it is: Approach chores the same way you approach teaching any other school subject. Well, that seems rather obvious, doesn’t it? But not to me. Whereas, I would never tell my kids how to write an essay once or twice and then expect that they would have it down; and whereas, I would never get mad at my kids for making mistakes in math; and whereas, I would never fail to check my kids’ schoolwork, allowing them to go for days on end without doing their lessons, I was doing all of those things with chores. Being the chore checker was a job I dreaded and resented, while being a teacher is a job I treasure and enjoy. I am now my kids’ chore teacher!
The difference that role change makes for me is huge. I now check my children’s chores because I want to see if they understand what to do, not because it’s one more responsibility on my shoulders. I am praising them for getting so much of it right, rather than criticizing them for what they still don’t know. I am teaching them to make meals to mastery, rather than asking them to do cooking tasks haphazardly. I am also accepting that many of my children are still years away from working completely independently.
What I marvel at is how this huge mental shift occurred as an answer to prayer. What a wonderful teacher is our God, who is so patient and positive with a mom like me. Maybe you need a different approach to the challenge of chores. I know Who you can ask to tutor you.
The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction. (Proverbs 16:21)
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
