I really believe that I have tried absolutely everything to get my kids doing chores thoroughly and independently. I have tried every conceivable chore chart: refrigerator, printed, spur-of-the-moment, elaborate peg boards, computer, iPad, clip-on. My current system is an improvement over the past. However, the main reason chores aren’t as much of a problem today is because my youngest is almost six. Everyone can do every chore (especially with help).
My current system is a simple table created in Word, listing morning and evening chores for each child for each day of the week. Every chore rotates to each child and even to mom or dad. Chores include clearing and wiping the table and counters, unloading the dishwasher, loading the dishwasher, cleaning various bathrooms, taking care of the dog, helping with meals, and picking up various rooms. Chores everyone has to do daily (e.g., make your bed) are not listed on the chart, nor are weekly individual chores (e.g., vacuuming). I use another list for the latter.
People with smaller, non-homeschooling families often marvel at our chore chart which is posted on the refrigerator. I wish they wouldn’t, because frankly our chore chart doesn’t work. Sure, it works better than anything else has, but in my mind, it’s still a complete failure. For example, when it’s my turn to clean the bathroom, it’s clear it hasn’t been cleaned all week, despite cheerful proclamations by my kids that they’ve done it. When it comes to evening chores, we all take turns not doing them. Don’t get me wrong. We have co-op meet in our house each week and lots of company, so our house gets cleaned. But not as quickly or as peacefully as it should be.
I was listening to a promo for Dr. Randy Carlson’s program, Intentional Living, when a mom complained that she couldn’t get her kids to clean their rooms, despite all of her nagging. She said she usually just broke down and cleaned their rooms because it was her house and she wanted it clean. Dr. Randy said (and I’m paraphrasing), “So essentially you’ve trained your kids to believe that they have a really crabby maid.” LOL! Wow, that sounds familiar, only I’ve also trained my kids that they have a really crabby mom. I spend lots of time complaining about the kids not doing their chores or doing them really poorly. Then I become the drill sergeant who insists that they get them done NOW.
So yesterday for the 8,000th time, I sat before the Lord really, really frustrated about chores. Sure, I knew I needed to check their chores. I knew it was all my fault. But knowing this had never solved the problem. In the movie, Courageous, a father tells his pastor, “I just wanna know how to be a good dad.” That’s what I said to the Lord yesterday. Lord, I just want to know how to be a good mom. I really want to solve this chore challenge. If you tell me what to do, I will do it.
Honestly, I expected God to tell me that I was lazy and selfish and I would have agreed! Instead, he surprised me with an insight that has completely changed the way I am approaching chores and character, too! Here it is: Approach chores the same way you approach teaching any other school subject. Well, that seems rather obvious, doesn’t it? But not to me. Whereas, I would never tell my kids how to write an essay once or twice and then expect that they would have it down; and whereas, I would never get mad at my kids for making mistakes in math; and whereas, I would never fail to check my kids’ schoolwork, allowing them to go for days on end without doing their lessons, I was doing all of those things with chores. Being the chore checker was a job I dreaded and resented, while being a teacher is a job I treasure and enjoy. I am now my kids’ chore teacher!
The difference that role change makes for me is huge. I now check my children’s chores because I want to see if they understand what to do, not because it’s one more responsibility on my shoulders. I am praising them for getting so much of it right, rather than criticizing them for what they still don’t know. I am teaching them to make meals to mastery, rather than asking them to do cooking tasks haphazardly. I am also accepting that many of my children are still years away from working completely independently.
What I marvel at is how this huge mental shift occurred as an answer to prayer. What a wonderful teacher is our God, who is so patient and positive with a mom like me. Maybe you need a different approach to the challenge of chores. I know Who you can ask to tutor you.
The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promoteinstruction. (Proverbs 16:21)
This is another question my friend who is new to homeschooling asked: how can you motivate your kids to get along?
Sure, we can avoid a lot of the bullying and teasing that goes on at school, but we may substitute more than enough sibling squabbling to make up for it. It can be such a problem that you feel you can’t take it anymore! (Don’t ask me how I know.) Here’s where you can take it:
Take it seriously. Sometimes our kids continue to fight physically or verbally because unlike many schools, we haven’t adopted a no tolerance policy. Let your children know that physical and verbal abuse have serious consequences in your home by promptly administering appropriate discipline.
Take it outside. A significant amount of squabbling is simply to gain your attention. Put the brawling brothers outside, in the bathroom, or anywhere uncomfortable until they work it out so both of them are satisfied.
Take it away. If a game or toy is the object of objection, remove it or the privilege of playing with it. Refuse to let your little attorneys approach the bench once you’ve made your decision.
Take it to Scripture. Remind your children of what the Bible has to say about their behavior and then ask them if they are in the right. Follow up by asking what they would have to do to make it right with their brother and with God.
Take it as training. Working on relationships with siblings is training for dealing with difficult relationships in the future. Rather than getting angry with your kids, realize that conflict resolution requires practice just like long division.
Take it to heart. Sometimes we need to listen for the heart issues involved in conflict and discuss them with our kids. Is little brother annoying you because you ignore him? Did your sister take your iPod because you hurt her feelings?
Take it for a time out. Sometimes things get so heated, that only a longer cooling off period will do. That goes for mom and dad, too!
Take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes we worry excessively about our children’s conflicts and inadvertently communicate that we don’t trust our children to grow in this area. When you see your child handle misbehavior well (for example, when a pet, a toddler, or a close friend hurts her and she doesn’t react in anger), emphasize your belief in your child’s self-control.
Take it to the Lord. God knows EXACTLY how you feel! It’s heart-breaking and exhausting to manage bickering children in addition to all our other roles. Pray for wisdom and for peace.
I was in my third month of expecting my fourth child when I had a very disturbing dream. I dreamt that I miscarried in very vivid detail. I remember looking in the mirror the morning after, feeling satisfied that all was well. I had seen my doctor several weeks before and he said I was fine.
A short time later, however, that dream came true. How good of God to prepare me for one of the toughest times of my life using a dream. The OB on call reassured me that bleeding could be perfectly normal, but in my heart of hearts, I knew it wasn’t. Not for me. At the hospital, the ultrasound technician confirmed that my baby had stopped growing four weeks previously. There was nothing to do but go home and wait for the loss to be complete. I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything surgically. I had driven myself to the hospital and my husband had met me after we got someone to watch the kids. I felt completely alone when I got behind the wheel and turned on the radio. The lyrics playing on my favorite Christian radio station were, “When you feel like you’ve lost it all, Jesus will still be there.”
I was comforted and really thought that knowing for sure I had lost a baby would be the worst of it. It wasn’t. The next several weeks brought excruciating pain as I miscarried at home alone, a hormonal roller coaster that made PMS seem refreshing, and painful questions about God, relationships, and the future. Even while in the middle of the valley, I knew that I was there for a reason. I called my editor and asked to write a pamphlet for Lutheran Hour Ministries called “Losing a Baby Without Losing Hope.” My experience and the process of writing opened my heart to so many women I knew who had miscarried. I even called a friend who lost a baby years before and apologized for not being as sensitive as I should have been.
One of the recommendations I made in the pamphlet was to find a way to memorialize the baby. I knew I wanted a Christmas ornament, but I hadn’t yet chosen one when I spoke at a church on the subject of grief and loss. (As an aside, that speech happened to be scheduled the day after 9/11.) I was given a gift as a presenter–an angel ornament. I am comforted looking at that ornament every year as I decorate the tree, but I really look forward to seeing my angel in heaven one day.
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
When I started my simplify101 class, I thought I was going to organize one space. I wasn’t sure which one and I didn’t take the best photographs. I ended up tackling all of my kid spaces, and I wanted to share the results with my daughter’s room.
The problem here is basically that my mother’s prayers that I would have a daughter just like me have been answered. 🙂 Clothes, hair pretties, and an ugly kleenex box were issues as were wanting to keep everything on the dresser.
The swimsuit on the floor problem has been previously discussed, but notice there are no dolls in the doll furniture. They are cluttering up the closet instead.
There are multiple problems here, some of which aren’t pictured. My husband was taking up half the closet with suit coats he wasn’t wearing (no matter what he tells you). On the upper shelves of the closet were stacks of off-season and outsized clothing that my daughter would occasionally pull down, resulting in a mess. An ugly day of the week organizer was being used to store clothing that didn’t fit in her drawers and the plastic container of hair pretties (when it wasn’t somewhere else). Lots of stuffed animals and toys were overflowing the storage containers.
My daughter is too much like her mother. Regular cleaning is booooooring, but organizing is great fun. She’s quite good at it. In no time at all, she had gotten rid of many of her hair bows and stuffed animals. Together, this is what we accomplished:
Clothes hae been put away. Yay!
We moved some things from her dresser (not as many as I might like!) and I bought her a new tissue box and a mirror. With five brothers, she doesn’t get enough bathroom time! Her hair pretties are now trimmed down enough to fit inside a drawer organizer in her dresser.
Dolls in the doll furniture frees up closet space.
So did making the top bunk a home for the stuffed animals.
Unfortunately, this is a bad shot, but I want to finish this post, so we’ll stick with it! The plastic drawers from Target store doll clothing which used to float all over the closet. My husband decluttered his clothes. Yay! The large white fabric baskets, also from Target, contain outsized and off-season clothes. The basket can now be used to hold all the little goodies my daughter seems to collect. I have a flower-shaped cork board on order for her, which will also help.
I used Microsoft Word to make some labels that should hopefully prevent Little Miss from pulling these down to see what’s in them.
Finally, in going through years of the kids’ paperwork, I found this painting by my daughter when she was a preschooler that I absolutely love. I put it in a magnetic art frame from Target and put it outside her door. In case you’re wondering, we ordered her bed online. I saw it for sale painted and it was just too expensive. Then I discovered that we could order the bed mostly assembled but unpainted for much less. My husband spent a long time painting it in our garage. When we finally put it together, our UPS delivery man who had watched the progress, wanted to come in and see it! Of course, we obliged.
Hope you have some girl’s bedroom inspiration today!
This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of my dad and me. I look like I'm about two and he has that same patient, teaching look he always had with me.
My father's family was twice the size of mine, but unfortunately wasn't twice the fun. His father was an abusive alcoholic. Dad was sent to live with and work for an abusive uncle at the age of four. He quit school after the eighth grade to help support his family. At eighteen he was drafted and was sent to the German front lines in World War II. While there, his life was in constant jeopardy and he watched many of his friends die.
Dad came home to discover that his father had drunk up all the money he had sent home from the service. He eventually married twice and was left twice. When he married my mother and became a father to me in his early forties, he was ecstatic. I can't tell you that he was a perfect father. Years of trauma and mistreatment took its toll on my dad emotionally. But I can tell you that he wasn't an alcoholic, nor was he ever abusive to me. He told me he loved me and was proud of me all the time. He constantly made me laugh. He was one of the most humble men I've ever known. He taught me how to fish, fast pitch softball, and basic carpentry skills. He loved beating me in cribbage. When I was on my own, he bailed me out of several financial jams I got myself into and wrote me precious letters. In one letter he wrote, "I've been thinking of you all week, so I thought I'd better write."
My dad's parenting is a testimony of God's faithfulness in my life. He was the father I wish he had had.
And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children… (Luke 1:17)
I was reading some blog comments about homeschooling today that really got my goat. I realized that I consistently hear people propagating myths about homeschooling that I would like to dispel.
Homeschooled kids don't have social skills. This myth is the most pervasive and for me, the most upsetting. This notion presupposes that the only way we get social skills is by spending most of the day in an institution where we are largely required to listen and not speak. What we are free to do in these institutions is to fend for ourselves when the bullies come to call. I don't know about you, but in my adult life, I am allowed to talk with people for most of the day and I haven't been beat up since I was 11. The truth is that homeschoolers have more opportunities to develop mature social skills than traditionally schooled students and fewer opportunities to develop immature skills like how to speak to adults disrespectfully.
Homeschoolers are disadvantaged academically. I have had people seriously worry about how my children are going to do on college admission tests and get accepted to the best schools. These issues aren't my primary concern, first of all. I want my children to have a good education, but more importantly, I want them to have a good character. While there are a few opportunities not available to homeschoolers, it's actually the case that traditionally schooled students suffer the disadvantage. Homeschoolers have all day long to study, go on fascinating field trips, and be apprentices while their peers are in school. Test scores suggest that homeschooling is an incredible academic advantage. More and more, top colleges are looking to admit them.
You have to be really organized and patient to homeschool. What's interesting to me is that I've never heard anyone say that to a classroom teacher. Why is that? The truth is that there are disorganized, impatient homeschoolers just as there are classroom teachers. But it's also true that homeschooling teaches you to be more organized and more patient than you would be if you sent your children away to school all week. The corollary to this notion is this question: how can you teach SIX children? I answer: how can a classroom teacher teach TWENTY FIVE?
Homeschoolers should have to be more accountable to the state. First let me say that while there are homeschoolers who neglect or abuse their children, the overwhelming majority do not. If you don't enjoy your children, you are more likely to send them away to school for the better part of the day than to keep them home with you. Child abuse and neglect are a part of many traditionally schooled students lives, too. Are we doing enough to adequately protect them? Is homeschooling really a primary risk factor? Many times I hear people clamoring for more testing of homeschoolers. Remember that homeschoolers score four grade levels ahead of public schoolers and then think about what the state would do with more testing data. Even if you have a learning disabled child who is working at the maximum of his ability because of homeschooling, the state could use a low test score to require that he be sent to public school. If testing can be used this way for homeschoolers, it would have to be used this way for private schools. The application of such a policy for public schools implies that when their students score poorly on a test, the parents ought to be able to demand a private education or funds to homeschool him. Because I don't see that happening, I don't want mandatory testing of my students.
Homeschooling is an expensive, elitist education. Recent research suggests that student achievement is not related to how much parents spend for their children's home education. I have several friends whose income is lower middle class and who successfully home educate. One does not have a home computer. The number of free resources available today is staggering. More and more, African American families are choosing to home educate, too.
Homeschoolers are weird. This one is the most true of all of the myths I've listed. Homeschoolers are engaging in a counter-cultural activity, so of course they're weird. I know homeschoolers who are weird in other ways. There's no denying it. However, homeschoolers haven't cornered the market on weird. I know very weird private and public school families, too. Don't you?
I understand if homeschooling isn't for you. But please don't perpetuate the myths that could keep families who would benefit from home educating from giving it a try.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
