What Do You Expect?

My new approach to productivity is managing expectations, not time. So far, I am experiencing more peace than I ever have before. Am I getting more done? I think so, but I honestly don't think much about it. For me, quantifying how much I do is no longer the point. If you're interested in having more satisfaction with your task management approach and life in general, read on.

Expectations are at the heart of our difficulties in virtually every area of life. Childhood expectations of receiving candy, toys, and parental attention can lead to tantrums and tears. Teen expectations of success in school, competitions, and popularity contests of all types can lead to depression and fearfulness if those expectations aren't met. Adult expectations of career success, marital bliss, and parenting ease may result in financial stress, divorce, and family breakdown. Even expectations of God can lead to disappointment and separation from Him.

I know many people whose unmet expectations have led to lifelong difficulties. Don't you? I believe women are particularly prone to the heartache of disappointment. There are women who are still unhappy that they had a C-section after hoping for a natural labor; women who are still bitter about the gifts they didn't receive; and, women who are still hurting because a friend wasn't there for them. Expectations unfulfilled create hurt, anger, and fear. Hurt, anger, and fear create division and damage to others. Division and fear create loneliness and the damage we do to others creates guilt. All of these dominoes fall when we lead with our expectations.

Let's discuss expectations within the time-management sphere. Suppose you have made a list of things you really want to accomplish tomorrow. You are in the middle of working on your goal of getting into shape. You are very pleased that you have been getting up early six days a week to work out. You are also working on your bad habit of arriving late. You plan to get to work early and cruise through your massive list of tasks. You are looking forward to the sense of accomplishment that comes from checking them all off.

At 3 a.m. the next morning, you're awakened by a sick child. At 6 a.m., your alarm goes off but you're not even in bed. You've been up with two sick kids, cleaning and comforting. There is no way you can work out the way you feel. You decide to sleep an extra hour instead. You just assumed that your husband would stay home with the kids since he knows how crazy busy you are right now. Instead, you have an argument about it before he finally agrees to stay home with the sick kids. You still somehow manage to leave for work early, but drive into the worst traffic jam of the year. You arrive late to work. When you arrive, you learn that your assistant is home sick. You will not be able to finish many of the tasks you have to do and now you're in a horrible mood. You are upset that you weren't able to meet your goals and you feel guilty about what you said to your husband. All this from the expectations you had about your day.

Whatever your life situation, you can probably see yourself in that example. Our expectations of ourselves, others, circumstances, and God can cause us great difficulties. So why do we have them? Although the connections our brains make between events are part of our design and for our good (e.g., a honking horn invokes a reflex to hit the brakes and avoid an accident), we can overuse them. Expectations can become a way of asserting our authority over our lives. We can behave like ambulance drivers who expect everyone to get out of our way; our destination takes priority. Expectations allow us to imagine that we are in control. We aren't.

Proverbs 11:17 says, "When a wicked man dies, his hope perishes; all he expected from his power comes to nothing." My expectations of what I can achieve in my own power amount to nothing but disappointment. My new attitude of waiting to see what God has in store for me each day gives me the peace and joy that I crave. Does that mean that I plan for nothing? Of course not. I had a packing list for our weekend camping trip. I had a meal plan, too. But because I had no expectations, I wasn't at all upset when a dead battery pushed our departure time back. I wasn't stressed when lack of sleep had my three-year-old screaming. After all, what did I expect?

When we refrain from expectations, we allow ourselves to be continually surprised by God. Isaiah 64:3 reads, "For when you did awesome things that we did not expect, you came down, and the mountains trembled before you." I had never been to the lake we camped near this weekend and hadn't even thought about what it would be like. I was thrilled by its beauty. I wasn't expecting good weather, but that's what we had. I wasn't expecting the kids to play all day in the sand without fighting, but they did. What a blessing!

If I've sold you on the benefits of having no expectations, you might be wondering how to live without them. Here is what I have learned about living this way so far:

Step 1. Recognize your expectations. I didn't realize that I had so many expectations of myself, my family, my circumstances, and God and that they were really creating unhappiness. Begin every day by asking yourself, "What do I expect from this day?" and be honest.

Step 2. Release your expectations. Prayerfully offer your desires for the day up to God and ask Him to give you what is best instead.

Step 3. Reject expectations. Throughout the day, your expectations will return to you in the form of thoughts. You can identify them in "should" statements concerning yourself or others. Immediately pray and/or quote Scripture about God's trustworthiness in these moments. John 14:1 is a good one: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me."

Step 4. Receive forgiveness. Sometimes your expectations will give you trouble even when you've followed steps 1-3. At those times, know that your heavenly Father forgives you. Ask for forgiveness from those you've been harsh to and ask for forgiveness for yourself. You will have it!

Step 5. Rejoice in what God has for you. Throughout the day and at the end of the day, thank God for His plans for you. Even when it's been a struggle, God will use it for your good.

I certainly didn't expect this post to be so long, but it's been a blessing to write. Thank you for reading!

The Happiness List

I just had to report how my new approach to time management is going. I have previously referred to it as Ta-Done, but I have taken to calling it my Happiness List instead.

Rather than drawing up a list of to-do's or even goals which has been my usual habit for years, I create a retrospective Happiness List each day that I share with a friend via email. I am so thrilled with this habit that I had to elaborate on it.

By only recounting my successes each day, I am never frustrated or disappointed with myself–at least not from a time-management perspective. My old habit of either scheduling my time or creating a list of things to get done during the day nearly always left me unhappy. I rarely (if ever) achieved everything I set out to. Now that I have no expectations for what I will accomplish, it's easy to do more than I dreamed I could! It's such a simple concept, but so powerful.

As a Christian, I leave room for God to direct my day without anxiety or anger. I even leave room for the people I love most to request things of me that actually get done. For example, my husband asked me to clean the kitchen floor the other night (he has conveniently failed to learn to use the FloorMate – lol). Ordinarily, I would have been resentful and probably wouldn't have done this because I would have hundreds of other tasks in mind vying for my attention. On this occasion I thought it was a perfectly good time to clean the floor. I was also delighted to wake up the next morning to a beautiful kitchen.

There are more benefits to a Happiness List, however. First, it functions as a self-esteem booster sans New Age silliness. I recount things that I have done that I am happy about doing.There are no buts allowed as in, "I got the kitchen floor done, but not the pantry." The point is to bring attention to what you've done well, so you'll be motivated to continue. I include character growth, too. I wrote how glad I was that I hadn't lost my temper when I tracked doggie doo-doo all the way down my white carpeted hallway.

The second added function of the Happiness List is as a gratitude journal. You needn't restrict your list to those things you've accomplished. You can proclaim your joy about those things God has done, too. I am thrilled to be able to eat delicious food and have good health, so that goes on my list. I have tried keeping a separate gratitude journal and love that I save time by combining it with other functions.

The third added function of the Happiness List is as a survival tactic. Traditional to-do lists get in the way when you have a lot of time-sensitive tasks to complete. Let's say you're getting ready to go on vacation. Do you really want to be reminded of other things you'd like to get done, but have no time for right now? These kinds of lists add to stress and confusion. I am getting ready to go camping and I have an electronic camping list. Because I do not have "clean out kids' bathroom closet" on my camping list, I can focus on getting into the great outdoors. The Lord is going to have to convince me to get that closet clean later. 🙂

The fourth and final added function of the Happiness List is as an encourager. Anticipating sending my list out each evening encourages me to do plenty of things to add to it! By sharing our positive accomplishments and gratitude with others, we invite them to the party, too. We remind those who read our list to be kind to themselves, focus on character rather than solely productivity, and to be thankful. In that spirit, here is my Happiness List for the day so far. Please share yours!

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I'm so glad I got up early and started my school day on time.

I am thrilled I got to spend the early morning talking with my husband about God's Word. Enjoying a delicious homemade coffee drink made with raw cream was a delight, too!

I am happy that I was able to help my homeschool friend find a less stressful curriculum for her son.

I am so relieved that I completed ten mail tasks that have been in my to-do box for months.

I am thankful that I continue to practice patience and love with my children, even when they aren't being particularly lovable. 😉

I am very grateful that my friend is feeling better and got to visit today for a while.

I am so glad another friend has allowed me to email her my Happiness List every day so I could know the joy of this process.

I am very happy to have taken the opportunity to share this blog post with you!

From To-Do to Ta-Done

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How motivated would you be if your life coach spent every session with you reviewing what you hadn’t done, with no mention of the huge number of things you’d accomplished? For years my dental hygienist would nag me about flossing my teeth. I arrived for my six-month cleaning one visit, triumphant that I had been flossing every day. I fully expected my feat to be lauded with praise. Instead, she told me I obviously wasn’t flossing correctly. Do you think I kept flossing? I quit and didn’t develop the habit again until years later when I was motivated to do it for me.

Granted, there are personalities who do not do things for the praise of others. Some people are blissfully happy checking off to-do’s from their lists without any angst about the undone tasks. Others are so naturally self-disciplined that they are able to plan only the amount of work they can reasonably do in a day and do it. That isn’t me.

I’ve recently determined that for me, a to-do list is like keeping a crummy life coach or a negative dental hygienist around. Everything I accomplish is immediately crossed off and ignored, while everything I haven’t done is there to taunt me with phrases like, “You’ll never catch up,” “When will you ever stop procrastinating?” and “You didn’t do the most important things.” As a psychologist and a mother, I know that the negativity involved in a to-do list is counterproductive, yet I have used one for decades.

Well, no more. I’ve decided to say ta-ta to my to-do list and hello to ta-done. When I finish something I want to enjoy saying, “Ta-da!” I don’t want to cross it off where I can’t see it and celebrate it. I want to focus on what I’ve done, not what I’ve left undone. In that spirit, I am no longer using a traditional to-do list of any sort. Horrors, some may say! And for you, it may really be horrible to go sans list. But I am loving my new naked approach to productivity.

Here’s how it works. I continue to use reminders and a calendar for tasks that are time-sensitive. For example, I have library materials due. I put a reminder on my calendar for this. I will also continue to keep lists of important information. For instance, I have a list of gifts received so I can send thank you notes. I am not, however, going to put “send thank you notes” on a traditional to-do list. Why not, you ask? Because I hate feeling pressured or guilted into doing things like that. Adding it to a list will make procrastination of this task more, not less likely. Every time I see the task on my list uncompleted I will hear that nagging life coach in my head. So how will I get tasks like this accomplished?

Getting things Ta-Done for me begins with prayer. In the past I have prayed for God to put His stamp of approval on my agenda. The problem with this type of approach is that it keeps me from hearing God’s plan for my day. And what if God doesn’t want to give me my marching orders at his daily scheduled appointment, but prefers to be the voice that directs throughout the day? My old method didn’t allow for continuous guidance at all. Allowing God to determine my next action is giving me the excitement that my personality craves. Sure, I can plan something, but what if God has something even better in mind?

Of course, I am not suggesting that all planning is counterproductive. The Bible speaks of the wisdom of planning. But we’ve turned planning into a religion of its own. How much more time have I spent at the altar of the planner or to-do list than I’ve spent in God’s Word? I know I never leave time spent reading the Bible feeling like a failure, but so often that’s exactly how I feel after worshiping the productivity gods.

Will my new approach to productivity allow my inner brat to run wild? Will I be spending all my time surfing the web? I doubt it. The to-do list created my “slacker” identity and I have lived up to it. I believe that the freedom I am giving myself will function like responsibility entrusted to a young adult coming into her own. I think I will live up to my responsible identity, too.

The Ta-Da part of Ta-Done is sharing my daily accomplishments with a friend. I have been emailing a friend the things I did that made me happy. They can be the usual fare like, “emptied email inbox,” but can also be the kinds of things you’d never put on a to-do list like, “didn’t get mad when the kids ruined the new art supplies.” My positive reaction to my friend’s Ta-Done list reminds me to be similarly enthusiastic about my own accomplishments.

What might you be able to accomplish if you ditch your to-do list and allow yourself to relish the ta-da in all you do?

Still Focused on Productivity!

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I am still using the wonderful approach to task management espoused by Mark Forster, called AutoFocus. The instructions are now freely available here. There is a video explaining this very simple approach and I started a Yahoo group for information and support of those using it. Sign up to join us here!