Like you, I’ve been hurt many, many times. While the scrapes, burns, and injuries are soon forgotten, the emotional hurts can fester for years. I have not become perfectly proficient in healing relationship wounds, but I have learned a few things professionally and personally. Perhaps one of these “bandages” will help you handle hurt, too.
Admit you’re hurt. Denying that someone hurt you makes it more likely that you will act out and hurt yourself or someone else. Even if you don’t have the courage to tell the person who hurt you, acknowledge the pain and tell someone you trust.
Get it out. Like thorns in the flesh, emotional wounds that aren’t removed can infect us, destroying our health. I’ve found the best ways to get it out are to write it out, talk it out, and cry it out.
Look for the root. Seeking to understand the real cause of the hurt can help you heal. Most of the time we’re either being overly sensitive or the perpetrator is acting out of her own pain. Often what was said or done isn’t about us. Understanding doesn’t excuse wrong behavior, but enables us to get over it more quickly.
Don’t take it too seriously. Some of the things people say and do that are hurtful are quite comical when you look at them a different way. My master’s research was on laughter’s impact on pain perception. Humor helps physical pain, but it’s a great analgesic for relationship hurts, too.
Don’t pick at the wound. Once we’ve shared our heart with a trusted confidante, continuing to talk about the painful words or behavior is like reopening a scab. Commit to leaving it alone so it will heal.
Exchange your hope. We may find ourselves hoping that the perpetrator will finally understand how they’ve hurt us and will express their deep regret for doing so. That kind of hope leaves our wounds open to infection. Instead, hope in the God who allowed the situation so He could work it for your good and His glory.
Pray for the one who hurt you. The most healing prayer is not that the perpetrator will be hit by a speeding bus! Instead, pray that the Lord would heal her and forgive her so she will not hurt herself or others anymore. Of course, as we pray we recognize that we have inadvertently hurt others, too. Thank God for His mercy and forgiveness.
If none of these help, email me. My husband is a black belt in ju jitsu and he would be happy to beat up the person who hurt your feelings. Hope that made you smile. 🙂
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
In our culture, this message is being communicated with increasing fervor. The drum beat has been taken up by every group, regardless of ethnicity, religious affiliation, political beliefs, or sexual orientation. The thing is, we're all correct. We are ALL doing something wrong.
As tension over these differences increases (and it IS increasing all around the world), I don't believe the answer is to say there is no such thing as right and wrong. After all, that would be suggesting it's WRONG to believe in right and wrong. Don't worry. You haven't ended up in a college philosophy class by mistake. My point is simply this: we will never effect change by trying to convince people to adopt our version of what is right and wrong. We CAN change the world by the solution we offer, however.
Jesus didn't spend his ministry time trying to convince people that sin was sin. Instead, He offered a solution for it: Himself. I remember counseling a young woman who had recently become a Christian. Her concern was that she had to quit doing everything she was currently doing. She felt she had to listen to different music, watch different movies (if she watched them at all), quit going to the same places where her unbelieving friends were and on and on. Not surprisingly, she was not joyful about hearing the Good News! In fact, the Gospel for her was more bad news: she was a sinner and everything she wanted to do was sinful.
If we aren't careful, we can change the Good News into bad news for the people we witness to. Are we spending our time talking about how sinful and wrong people are being? (As if this were news anyway!) Or are we sharing the Savior who gives us the want to and not the have to change our sinful ways.
In his book, The Life of Trust, George Muller shares the story of a godly man who paid for the education of promising young men. One particular college student was known to be a brilliant debater and an unbeliever. The older benefactor invited the young man to live with him while he went to school, and provided all of his meals for him as well. Knowing the young man's desire to take him on in matters of faith, he avoided the discussion for months. Instead, he lovingly served him by making sure he had a warm meal and light to study by each evening. Finally, the young man was so flabberghasted by his benefactor's loving treatment that he asked, "Why are you treating me this way? I don't understand!" The kindly man told him it was because of what Jesus had done for him and if he wanted to know more, he could read the book of John. He did so and came to share the joy his benefactor had in experiencing the Good News.
May the Lord enable us to be loving reminders, not of all we're doing wrong, but all that the Savior has done right for undeserving sinners like us.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. (1 Cor. 13:1)
In my grandparents’ generation, it was uncommon for moms and dads to say, “I love you.” Their generation spawned the Mommy Dearest generation, who was ready to spew forth a list of grievances against their parents at the first therapist’s invitation. Today’s parents try to do everything possible to avoid being the subject of a malicious memoir. Most say “I love you” quite frequently. Unfortunately, I think we’re still failing to communicate love. One reason is our refusal to say I’m sorry.
Words We Need to Hear…
When you think back over the worst times of your life–the relationship that ended badly, the job you were fired from, the blame you didn’t deserve, what do you find yourself longing for? When the victim’s family gathers to see the execution of their loved one’s murderer, what do they long for? I think they want to hear a heartfelt “I’m sorry.”
We Don’t Say to Others
We all long to hear these words when we’ve been wronged, yet when we’ve hurt someone, failed someone, or disappointed someone, we don’t say, “I’m sorry.” We say, “I love you.” We explain why it wasn’t our fault. Why we didn’t have a choice. Why anybody could understand if they walked in our shoes. That it’s just how we are. Meanwhile our frequent proclamations of love are giving us more divorces and failed families than any past generation.
Because of our propensity to avoid the I’m-sorry, I have quit telling anyone but my immediate family that I’ve been hurt by something someone said or did. When I have admitted to hurts in the past, thinking that this is a healthy way of managing relationships, I don’t get “I’m sorry.” Instead, the wounding party produces a voluminous list of grievances from the past decades. Apparently no “I’m sorry” is warranted if you’ve been hurt too. In the rare instances I have heard a “sorry,” it is almost immediately followed by a “but.” Or it’s a “sorry you took it that way.”
Why We Don’t Say “I’m Sorry”
Why do we refuse to admit to wrongdoing? When we don’t say we’re sorry, we carry around the guilt of our misdeeds. Perhaps we can fool others into thinking we have no responsibility for anything that we do, but we can’t fool ourselves forever. Guilt eats away at our conscience producing physical and mental disorders in addition to the destruction of our most precious relationships. Do we avoid saying the words because they make us vulnerable? They most certainly do. Negotiating conflict in relationships effectively requires vulnerability, a give and take. Some of us, however, are afraid to say we’re sorry because we think it makes our worst fears about ourselves true: I’m a terrible mother. I’m insensitive. I’m a rotten wife. A bad employee. An idiot.
Saying we’re sorry only means that we admit to doing something that wasn’t right. Saying we’re sorry actually means that we are good mothers, wives, and employees who are sensitive and smart.
I know there are times I haven’t said I’m sorry when I should have or at least as quickly as I should have. But like my parents’ generation desired to say “I love you” to give that which they missed in their own childhoods, I am determined to tell my children I am sorry regularly. They may still write a nasty tell-all book about all my failings, but at least they won’t be able to say, “And she never said she was sorry.”
Do you need to say you’re sorry to someone? Pray for the strength to do it today.Â
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
