You can’t stop thinking about it–that fear that keeps you up at night, keeps you vigilant, keeps you looking for safeguards. It could be a health scare, fear for your kids, or a phobia. Whatever your fear, you are preoccupied with the terrible consequences you foresee. How would your kids cope without you? What if something happens to your child? What if you’re in a packed public place and you can’t get out?
None of the reassurances you get from statistics, family, or even doctors provide any comfort. The fear doesn’t lose its grip on you. Want to watch this in video form instead? Scroll down!
As a trained Christian psychologist, I know how to treat anxiety. Pharmacotherapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and biblical counseling can be very effective in treating anxiety. Yet, there is evidence that anxiety is on the rise. I’ve noted a significant increase in the number of people I know who suffer with anxiety. Despite being very familiar with anxiety, I suffered with it myself.
The Truth That Can Set Us Free From Fear
If you suffer from chronic fear, I urge you to seek help from a Christian counselor experienced in treating anxiety disorders or a cognitive-behavioral therapist. In the meantime, consider this truth:
Before I explain, I’d like to direct you to 1 Samuel. David had been promised by God (with much confirmation) that he would be the next king of Israel.
So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of theLord came powerfully upon David. 1 Samuel 16:13
We, too, have the promises of God: eternity with Him; He will never leave or forsake us; nothing can take us out of His hand; all our needs will be met; we will be comforted in our trials; all things will work together for our good, and many more. Like David, we have had the promises of God confirmed many times. Can you recall a time of God’s provision, presence, or peace in fearful times in the past? I definitely can.
Yet, despite God’s confirmed promise to David, David feared that Saul would kill him. He wouldn’t be king after all. Now there aren’t many things more terrifying than being chased after by a murderous madman, so I sympathize with David. But the consequence of David’s fear was eminently more devastating than even his own death.
David fled to Ahimelek the priest and lied to him about why he was in Nob because he feared Saul. The end result of David’s fear was the murder of 85 priests and the entire town of Nob, including children and infants. What’s more devastating than losing your life? Being responsible for the murder of an entire town full of people. Can you imagine the guilt he must have felt?
You’d think that David would have learned his lesson and would have trusted God to protect him, but no. His next fear-induced decision was to go to live amongst the Philistines. There, he consoled himself, he would be safe from Saul. But the devastating consequence was that his wives and his men’s wives and possessions were taken. His men were so upset with David about this turn of events that they nearly stoned him to death. Would it have been more devastating to be responsible for losing your family, your men’s family, and to be killed by your own men than by Saul? I think so! If you don’t know how the story ends, read 1 Samuel.
Are the Consequences of Fear Really More Devastating Than What We’re Afraid Of?
“Okay, Melanie,” you may be thinking. “That was David in Bible times. What I’m afraid of is much worse than the consequences of my fear.”
Don’t be so sure. Allow me to use fears you may be able to relate to for the purposes of discussion.
Are you afraid for your own health?
I was. I had symptoms of multiple sclerosis, a disease my mother has. I was so terrified I wouldn’t see a doctor. I didn’t want to hear the diagnosis. I began a diet and supplement regimen I hoped would cure me. It left me twenty pounds underweight, had me experiencing nearly every physical symptom you can imagine, and had my family and friends fearful for my life and sanity. What my fear did to me was much worse than multiple sclerosis could ever do. When I finally decided to trust God (and that was a process that required much prayer and meditation on Scripture), my physical symptoms disappeared. The book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie is full of accounts of people whose terminal illnesses disappeared when the fear did.
Are you afraid of losing someone you love?
Surely the consequences of your fear aren’t worse than having your loved one die? Not so fast. People who are afraid of losing a loved one typically make their loved ones so miserable with their constant worrying and unnecessary rules that their loved one no longer wants to be with them. Isn’t it more devastating to have your child or your spouse leave you by choice than by God’s sovereignty? I have had the opportunity to know godly people who have experienced the loss of a child. Their testimony is that God has given them grace to endure the loss. You will literally have Jesus’ ability to cope if you need it.
Are you afraid of flying or crowds or failing?
If you have a fear like these, do you think the consequences of your fear are more benign? Wrong! Do you remember the parable of the talents? Servants were given bags of gold: one was given one, one was given two, and one was given five. Why did the servant who made no return on his money bury it? Because he was afraid. What was the consequence? He was called wicked and lazy and his money was taken from him. He was thrown into the darkness where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I’m not suggesting our fears will send us to hell. Rather, this account suggests that the consequences of our fear includes separation from God. Ultimately, my own fear was like the wicked servant’s. I was afraid of God because I didn’t see Him as the good, loving God that He is. I didn’t believe His promises any more than David did when he was running from Saul.
The second devastating consequence of these kinds of fears is missed opportunities. We don’t know that the servant who buried his money saw the money the other servants earned or not. But won’t we realize our lost opportunities either at the end of our lives or when we give an accounting to God?
What would God have done in you and through you if you’d gotten on that flight? What if that crowded Christian concert you were too afraid to attend would have renewed your faith and confirmed that mission God has for you? What if you had written that book, gone into business, or started a ministry and you had changed people’s lives? Regret, my friend, is more devastating than anything you fear.
What will you do now?
Fear is appropriate when our proposed actions are foolish or disobedient, but fear isn’t appropriate when God has clearly called us to act, trusting in Him.
If you suffer with chronic anxiety, recognize that it is the most treatable mental illness. Make an appointment, and ask your loved ones to pray for you and to go with you for support. I’m praying for you!
My daughter had her first sleepover birthday party last night. I didn't make this cake, but I wish I had. How cute is this?
While we didn't have cake, we did have one girl who struggled. As I lay awake after returning her to her mother in the middle of the night, I thought about how Christians are sleepover shy, too.
I'm hungry. That was one of the shy girl's complaints that I can relate to. Though she had a healthy-sized bowl of popcorn late in the evening, she longed for more. Like her, I've enjoyed so much in life, yet I'm not fully satisfied. No matter how many blessings we experience in this life, we all continue to be hungry.
I'm scared. That was another of her issues with the sleepover. I get that. My house was a dark strange place to her. This world is scary to us as believers, too. The Bible gives us enough "Don't be afraid"s to last us a year, and yet we're still not comfortable with this dark world. Maybe we're not supposed to be.
I wanna go home. The sleepover shy girl missed her mom and dad. Why wouldn't she? There's nothing like being near the one you've always known, the one who loves you unconditionally. While this sleepover we call life can be great fun and we enjoy the people we're with, we wanna go home, too. Our Father is waiting for us with open arms. That image makes the long night a little easier to get through, doesn't it?
Good-night, friend. See you in the morning.
Psalm 4:8 In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.
Does it ever seem like everyone you know is getting diagnosed with cancer? It's been one of those weeks for me.
When I hear about a potential cancer diagnosis, I immediately think death, disability, and devastation. Do you? This morning my little boy asked me, "Is chemo a good thing or a bad thing?" What an interesting question. My gut reaction, honestly, was that chemo is a very bad thing. But the question made me think rather than react. The truth is, I have loved ones who have survived cancer for many years after having chemotherapy. How then could I believe that it's a bad thing?
I couldn't offer my son any simple answers, but this I do know. The real challenge of cancer isn't chemotherapy, disability, or death. The real challenge of cancer is fear. This week as I brought dear ones before the Lord in prayer, asking Him for healing, there was a little part of me that was afraid He wasn't listening. There was a part of me that feared He didn't care. If it were true that God wasn't listening and He didn't care, then what hope was there for me?
The real challenge of cancer is that it can lead to fear based on lies about who God is and who we are to God. While it does seem that all around us people we love are getting cancer, if we will look, we will also see the faces of those who've survived it. God listens to our prayers on their behalf. God cares. He carries them through the valley of cancer. And yes, sometimes He takes our loved ones to a place where there is no more cancer. A pastor whose first wife succumbed to cancer shared with the women at a retreat I attended that his wife told him near the end of her life, "Just because God is taking me home doesn't mean He is leaving you." We can meet and defeat the challenge of cancer by believing that God is with us and for us. That is a very good thing.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
From childhood, I suffered from night time fear, but not of the dark or monsters. Mine was a more sophisticated fear. I was terrified that someone would break into my home and hurt me or my family. My parents were sound sleepers and I was convinced that it was up to me to save us all.
My sleepless nights where every noise seemed to be evidence of a horrific scene about to unfold became even worse when I lived alone. My first year of graduate school, I lived amidst a wife beater, an alcoholic who thought I ought to be counseling him, and a stalker who called me repeatedly and left me notes. Many nights I could barely breathe because the fear was so overpowering. I prayed for God's protection many, many times. After I got married and practiced as a Christian counselor, I asked God for relief from the fear itself.
Having a husband who is a black belt in jujitsu did not stop the fear, in part because he traveled a lot when we were first married. To cope, I had a security alarm put in and used a door brace under my bedroom door handle. Yep, I was completely phobic. I didn't get a dog to deal with my fear, but the fact that I had a little yapper who responded to anyone in the vicinity of our home, added to my feeling of security.
One weekend evening, I was battling a bad cold. We had been invited to a friend's party two hours away and I was fine with my husband going without me. He said he would be staying overnight with them as he often did while traveling for work. After he left, I went through my security routine. I turned off the power for the garage door opener, locked all the doors, and baracaded my bedroom door after I was sure my dog was with me.
In the middle of the night (2 or 3 a.m.), someone knocked on my front door. I had heard on the news once (I am sure all my fear developed from the news!) that robbers will often knock on the door to see if you are home and if you don't answer, they will break in. I wasn't going to let them think no one was home! My dog was barking furiously. I turned on the television and hoped whoever it was would move on.
Unfortunately, the knocking became more insistent. I turned up the volume on the TV. My dog was wild. Then my greatest fear became a reality. I could hear the person trying to break in. I ran to the bathroom, locked the door, picked up the phone and dialed 911. I could barely breathe as I explained to the nice man who answered what was going on. He reassured me an officer was on his way. He asked me where Mr. Wilson was. I told him while I picked up a can of hairspray to use as a weapon.
That's when I heard the most terrifying noise possible. Someone was IN my house. I relayed that information to the nice man and tried not to notice that he sounded frightened, too. He kept speaking to me in a calming voice. I could hear whoever it was rattling my baracaded bedroom door. I was living my nightmare! That's when I heard, "Melanie! It's me!"
I told the nice man that the would-be attacker was my husband. He laughed and I could tell that he was more relieved than I was. I honestly was NOT relieved, but furious at my husband for putting me through the ordeal. He explained that he hadn't been able to get into the house since I shut off the garage door opener. After I cried with relief and laughed at the absurdity of it all, I found that my lifelong fear was gone. All those years, what I was really afraid of was that I wouldn't be able to move if someone broke into my home. Now I know they better look out!
Although an unusual answer to prayer, God used my husband's break-in to take my fear away. Once again, He did for me what I could not do for myself.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
I’m a psychologist, and as such, I try to present myself as being mentally healthy. That facade will be put to rest today.
There are only two things that make me anxious and I experienced them both together as I traveled home from a speech tournament with my oldest son yesterday.
The first thing that gets my OCD juices flowing is public restrooms. I really, really hate using them. It isn’t so much that I am afraid that I will pick up germs from someone as it is that I’m grossed out thinking about who has been in there before me and what they’ve been doing. I am not going to try to justify my abnormality. I tell you this only to explain the events of the day.
As I boarded the plane, I was feeling the call of nature mildly. I have an exceptionally big and strong bladder from years of avoiding using public restrooms. I figured I could certainly make it until the plane landed, at which point I would be forced to use a public restroom at the next airport. Later is always better when you’re anxious.
I smartly refused all beverages on the plane, but it was too late for my bladder because I had had a coffee drink before boarding. I debated with myself for a good hour about whether or not I could survive more than a three-hour flight without using the restroom. The stakes were high. Literally. While I have a distate for public restrooms, I have an all-out aversion for airline bathrooms. I believe in all my 43 years, I have used one once. The experience imprinted upon me the necessity of avoiding a repeat performance.
Anyone who shares my disgust for public toilets does not need me to explain why I was flipping out at the prospect of having to use the bathroom on the plane. But for the rest of you, I will give details.
Men are using the same restroom
It’s the size of a casket
The flush is a massive suction effect that threatens to take you with it
Poor ventilation
Impossible to hover
No bathroom attendant keeping things neat
The other horrors I got to experience firsthand. As I saw over an hour left in the flight, I knew that the misery of holding it had surpassed the misery of the airplane toilet experience. I got up and started making my way to the back. Right then the man sitting behind me decided he would go too. Wonderful. He was in front of me. Standing up made me realize that I really, really had to go.
The toilets were both occupied. For. a. long. time. The only thing that made it better was that the man who was going to use the toilet before me looked just as uptight as I felt. Finally one opened up and he entered. Meanwhile, a sizable line formed behind me. Another bladder age passed and I was finally able to get in there. That’s when my second source of anxiety kicked in: turbulence.
I hate turbulence. It brings to mind all those horrifying airplane crashes I’ve experienced with Tom Hanks, the cast of Lost, and others. The worst turbulence I had experienced personally was a dramatic loss of altitude after flying out of Philadelphia immediately post-9/11. People were screaming. My anxiety level was a 12 on a 1-10 scale.
In that frame of mind, I locked the door and felt like I was in an outhouse connected to the back of a speed boat. The ride was so bumpy that I was doing well to stand up at all. There wasn’t any way I could even get my pants down. It wasn’t long, however, before I realized that I better get busy or the anxiety would finish the job for me, toilet or no.
I’ve already mentioned that you can’t hover in an airplane restroom. I was hopeful that I could at least put toilet paper on the seat. As I tried in vain to get the paper to stick, my third fear kicked in. I wondered what on earth the poor full-bladdered souls in line were thinking of me. As the plane continued to bounce through the air, I realized that any germs I would get on my hiney couldn’t kill me because the plane crash would get me first. I sat down, did my business, cleaned up, and made my way back to my seat, physically and emotionally relieved.
I was actually kind of proud of myself for overcoming my fear. (Pathetic, I know, as I was forced into it). The turbulence calmed down and in no time at all, we prepared to land. That’s when the pilot came on the intercom and announced that there was “weather” at the airport and that we would be in a holding pattern.
Fear number four kicked in: tornadoes. Our airport was recently damaged in a tornado. I wondered how terrifying it must have been for the passengers who were on planes as those storms went through. I reassured myself that we were safe and sound in a holding pattern. Until the turbulence kicked in again.
I called to mind all my psychology tricks to get me through the next 30 minutes of turbulence and announcements that we still couldn’t land because of “weather.” I wondered if this was akin to calling cancer a “health matter.” I praised God from A to Z, imagined myself back home and hugging my kids, took deep breaths, relaxed my tense muscles, and reassured myself that crashing wouldn’t be painful. Hopefully. All of these things really did help and we were finally able to land without incident.
I headed to the restroom once in the terminal, delighted to see that they had automatic plastic covers on the toilets. I sat down gleefully and relieved myself. After I stood up, I read the instructions for the plastic covers indicating how to get a new clean cover–instructions that I hadn’t used. Oh well.
I praise God that He got me home safely to my beloved family last night, dirty hiney and all.
Can you relate to any of my fears? If so, do you have any tips for dealing with them?
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Today I called to have our cable service ended as we've switched to another service. What a simple task, you say! Not for me.
As I imagined the phone call, I felt a knot develop in my stomach. I could hear the customer service rep telling me what a fool I was to switch and that I'd be sorry. I just knew I was going to have to justify my decision and I dreaded it. I tried to cancel service via the impersonal website, but that was a no-go.
Do you ever feel like you're afraid to cut ties to something you know isn't right for you? Do you worry about what people will say? Have you thought about changing churches, jobs, or associations only to let anxiety hold you back?
Since this summer I have been determined to get out my scissors and confront my fears. So I called the cable company. I believe God cares about every detail of our lives, including the cable we're attached to. I also believe that God has a sense of humor. The customer service rep asked me why I was ending service and went on to ask which company I had switched to. I held my breath waiting for the condemnation of my choice. The rep said something much worse: "I hope you get everything you deserve." I was quite shocked! But then he explained, "I don't wish that on you or anyone. I don't ever get what I really deserve, considering everything I've done wrong."
Turns out my customer service rep was a pastor with Dunlop Disease. He said he's eaten so much his stomach has done lopped over his belt. LOL! After we laughed and chatted a bit, he said, "In a few decades, I'll see you in your new home."
Indeed, by the time we get to heaven, we will have cut off every tie, every cable that connects us here. And we need have no fear of it, because cable or no cable, we can remain in the service of our loving Savior.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
