You Owe Me

You Owe Me

You borrowed money that you never paid back.

You didn’t show up. You didn’t thank me. You didn’t keep your promise. You didn’t return the favor. You didn’t include me. You didn’t apologize.

You hurt me.

You rejected me. You talked about me behind my back. You forgot me. You judged me. You didn’t ask about me. You didn’t encourage me. You believed the worst about me. You didn’t love me.

I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m furious. I’m depressed. I’m exhausted. I’m sick.

Every time the phone rings, an email comes in, or there’s a knock at the door, I think maybe you’re going to give me what you owe me. But you don’t.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[h] was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18)

I have borrowed without paying back.

I haven’t shown up. I haven’t shown gratitude. I haven’t kept my promise. I haven’t returned the favor. I didn’t include you. I didn’t apologize.

I hurt you.

I rejected you. I talked about you behind your back. I forgot you. I judged you. I didn’t ask about you. I didn’t encourage you. I believed the worst about you. I didn’t love you.

I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m so sorry. I hurt for how I made you feel. I want to repay you.

Forgive me.

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Does PMS Mean Pardon My Sin?

Does PMS Mean Pardon My Sin?

Pms

Since having my last child almost six years ago, I have had increasingly severe bouts of PMS. This means that I have had more and more of what an O Magazine writer once called "rusty fork moments." Specifically, the writer said that when she was suffering from PMS, she imagined taking a rusty fork and jabbing it into the forehead of her beloved husband. 

That article made me laugh because I could relate. But there is very little that is funny about PMS. PMS, accepted as a real phenomenon by all but never-married male doctors, can provoke women to:

  • Cry over just about anything
  • Feel her life is suddenly miserable though nothing has changed
  • Overeat
  • Forego daily responsibilities
  • Use foul language
  • Scream or otherwise pitch an angry fit
  • Violence (or just fantasies or threats of it)

Of course, I've never done any of those things during PMS. 😉 As I've tried various fixes for my PMS to no avail, one thing I haven't considered: could PMS just be an excuse for my sin? 

Now, don't get me wrong. PMS isn't all in our heads. There are significant physical changes taking place that seem to take me from being Dr. Mel to making my Mr. want to hide. PMS is a very real challenge in my life. But isn't it like any other temptation? After all, many alcoholics have a genetic predisposition to crave alcohol more than the average Jane. We don't expect Christians with that predisposition to give in to the temptation to drunkenness. Why should it be okay when my hormones are compelling me to pitch a fit, to give in?

I wondered what would happen if I started seeing PMS as a temptation to sin rather than an excuse for it. Even though I consider PMS a real challenge, it's more easily overcome than so many others. I know when the challenge is coming! So many temptations aren't predictable. The Bible advises us to be ready for temptation, so here is my plan of attack:

  • Pray for the strength to resist the temptation to be unkind
  • Get enough sleep, especially at that vulnerable time of the month
  • Keep junk food out of the house during that week
  • Chew gum rather than chewing someone out
  • Keep up my exercise routine
  • Plan fun activities, preferably with people who make me laugh

I don't know if my repentance about giving in to the temptation of PMS will lead God to answer my prayers for relief, but I can't imagine He will answer those prayers if I continue to insist that PMS means Pardon My Sin.

Mark 14:38
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

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