There are any number of reasons why your child may not be wild about reading:
1) Books he's given are too challenging for him
2) The material doesn't interest him
3) She might have a learning disability like dyslexia
4) Not enough reading role models
5) She's an auditory learner
6) Other options for entertainment are too easily accessible (e.g., video games)
7) He is anxious about it, possibly because Mom or Dad is, too
Whatever the reason for his reluctance, it's a good idea to take a relaxed approach to trying several different approaches to encouraging reading. I have two websites for you and your child to check out. The first is a great one for kids at the very beginning of their reading journey: Starfall. Your child can brush up on phonics and take the focus off her performance by rating the stories she reads. It's completely free!
The second website is from Disney. It offers 600 titles from picture to chapter books. Books can be read to your child or unknown words can be touched and read to them. A dictionary can quickly be accessed, too. Kids love the realistic turning pages. The most innovative part of the program is the intermittent (and unexpected) quizzes that test comprehension and award points. Get a free week trial here without giving your credit card! If you love it, up to three children can read as many books as they'd like for $8.95/month. Very reasonable in my opinion! And nope, I don't get anything for sending you there.
I have written previously about my view that one rarely-considered motivation for procrastination is the desire to avoid obligation. I have found that any time I feel required, locked in, or enslaved by expectations or rules, the less likely I am to want to complete the task. Depending upon the consequences for not completing the task, I may ultimately do the work, but will avoid doing it as long as possible.
Even pleasant tasks can become unpleasant if rules or expectations become attached to them. For example, I enjoy checking Facebook regularly to see what my friends are up to. However, as soon as I feel someone expects me to read their status and comment on their schedule, checking Facebook becomes the last thing I want to do. Why do we behave in such an irrational manner?
One reason we resist obligation-laden tasks is a desire to avoid a poor evaluation. I love to sing. But I would never try out for American Idol (even if the age range were increased) because I don’t relish having Simon tell me what an atrocious waste of time I am. In the same way, I know if someone expects me to check and comment on her Facebook status every day, I know I will one day let her down and fail. This desire to avoid a negative evaluation applies even when we give ourselves the rule. I would rather avoid the “audition” of even trying to keep up with unrealistic expectations, whether they’re my own or another’s expectations.
A second reason I suspect that feeling obligated can lead to procrastination is the assumption that anything that must be enforced by rule or stigma must not be desirable. Children who hear, “Eat your vegetables and then you can be excused,” may assume that vegetables are not good to eat. Otherwise, why would pressure be required? The opposite assumption also operates here. If we are given rules restricting access to something, then we will likely consider it something very valuable. So hearing “You can have candy for special occasions” may prompt the child to think candy is something very special indeed.
If I am right about the role of obligation in procrastination, how then might we avoid unnecessary rebellion in getting things done?
First, you might try some reverse psychology. If your habit is to wait until the last possible time to complete a project, give yourself a rule that you cannot work on the project before that time. Write out your reverse rules, share them with others, and earnestly try to adhere to them simply to see what happens. If you are spending two hours a day online and you’d ultimately like to spend less time that way, see how many days in a row that you can spend at least two hours a day online. Do you have a snack or dessert every day that you think you’d be better off without? Make it a rule to eat the same dessert every day.
Second, avoid negative evaluation. Spend as little time as possible with people who criticize and demean you. If you have to interact with them, try to get encouragement before and after you do so. If you have a really critical boss, show your work to a sympathetic coworker before turning it in, and get a pat on the back after you’ve been subject to a scathing. The easiest way to avoid negative evaluation, though, is to stifle your inner critic. Allowing internal dialogue like, “You’re such a slacker. You’re online again,” will only throw fuel on the fire of procrastination. Better to say, “When I’m ready to logoff, I will.”
An excellent way to avoid negative evaluation is to get things done early. Before anyone can ask you about a task, you'll have it done! No nagging and critical comments will be coming your way, but only surprised praise. You can enjoy your own praise for being on top of things, too. Of course, you don't have to get things done early, but you might want to.
Third, avoid rules altogether. Even adopting a rule of using reverse psychology may be something you rebel against. Giving yourself complete freedom to do whatever you wish may diminish obligation-based procrastination significantly. What that means for me is not having time management rules. I feel free to use a list or not. An iPhone app or not. A schedule or not. Avoiding rules is easier said than done. We’re constantly being bombarded with rules for living. When someone says something that makes you feel required to do something, you can dismiss it from your mind with the truth that you have a choice. Even if you are the one piling on the guilt, you will have to rethink your requirement of yourself in light of the freedom you have. One way of doing that is reframing your tasks as something you want or choose to do, rather than something you must do.
I am on a tennis team right now and am very motivated to practice regularly and improve. The coaches for the team have never suggested that I put in extra practice time. If they did make that suggestion, my initial reaction would be to procrastinate. How could I get around that? I would ask myself if the reasons I wanted to put in extra practice before their request were still valid. If so, I would choose to dismiss their expectation of me, knowing that practicing was still my choice.
While I was composing this post, my husband presented me with an obligation-laden request for help with the computer. Too bad he hadn’t read my blog first! We’re more likely to gain others’ cooperation if we keep these principles in mind. Friends can get more Facebook feedback from me by thanking me for posting, no strings attached. Of course, my initial reaction to my husband’s request was to resist, but the intensity of my resistance is much less than had I been permitting superfluous obligation to rule the day. I’m going to reframe his request as something I want to do now that I’m finished with this post. The reality is we all have to deal with a certain amount of obligation. But the more of it we reverse or avoid, the more productive and happy we’ll be.
I know a number of Christians who attend church infrequently or not at all. Some of them have had bad experiences with a pastor or church members. Some think the people who go to church are hypocrites. Others think they’re not “good enough” to go to church. A good number complain that thechurch only wants their money. A few are afraid of feeling obligated to go once they start. Quite a few say that Sunday morning is the only day they can sleep in. Still others work or have kids in sports on the weekends. A couple count televised church services as their attendance. Some teens and young adults think church is too boring. Finally, some individuals don’t go to church because their spouse or family members won’t go with them.
With so many reasons not to go to church, why should we make a big deal about it? After all, going to church isn’t going to save us, right? Right. There is nothing we can do, including going to church, to ensure that we will go to heaven to be with God when we die (Ephesians 2:8-9). Therefore, church should be optional, shouldn’t it?
Church attendance is certainly our option as is praying, reading the Bible, and serving God. But there are good reasons for exercising that option, just as there are good reasons to pray, read Scripture, and engage in service:
1.The church is an unrivaled means of support. When you are in need whether physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually, there is no more powerful source of strength on earth than the church. Many times I counseled individuals who were in great need who did not have a church home. I was at a loss in directing them to help. Friends, family, and government agencies can help in small matters, but having a faith family to turn to in times of real trouble is a great comfort.
2. The church is a great source of fun and friendship. The majority of the friends and the fun I’ve had as a married woman have been in church. We’ve had progressive dinners, girls’ nights out, Survivor birthday parties, Superbowl parties and so much more. My current church has a free fitness center so I’ve enjoyed meeting non-church member friends to work out, too.
3. The church provides a simple means of worshiping with other believers. You may argue that Christians do not have to go to church, but you cannot argue that a Christian doesn’t have to worship God. Although we always have good intentions to engage in focused worship by praying, singing, and reading Scripture with others, distractions usually rule the day. Even with my large family, I would be afraid how little worship time we would have if not for our weekly church attendance. The Bible does say where two or more are gathered in His name, Jesus is with them (Matthew 18:20). The problem is with being intentional about gathering in His name at home. If you don’t go to church, worship happens sporadically. Note Hebrews 10:25 which encourages believers not to give up meeting together as some do.
4. The church provides teaching and encouragement from God’s Word. It’s true that you can do Bible studies outside the church. You can even do them online by yourself! This kind of study is wonderful. But there is nothing like being able to ask questions and hearing the encouragement of others who have experienced God’s work in their lives. How often do you hear good news at home? At church, the praise reports balance out the requests for help, hope, and healing. Again, you might get distracted during the week and have no time for Bible reading. But at least once a week you will hear the Truth if you attend church.
5. The church provides a means of remaining in Christ and bearing fruit. John 15:5 tells us that unless we are a part of Christ’s body, we will not bear fruit (described in Galatians as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control). Who among us couldn’t stand to bear more fruit? But how can we remain in Christ? John 6:56 tells us how. “Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains inme, and I in him.” This is discussing Communion, the eating of bread and wine. It’s true that you can eat and drink these things at home, but if not truly done in memory of the Lord under the conditions most frequently available in church, are you really remaining in Him?
6. The church can give its members a means of serving and finding purpose. Ephesians 2:10 tells us that we were created to do good works. Surely the church is not the only place to do good works, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good place to start! Serving in church is what allowed me to build dozens of relationships that have blessed me beyond measure. The church has also given me a sense of purpose. It was meeting fellow church member, Sharon Rohrbach, that was the impetus for me getting to write for Woman’s Day magazine. How many stars have gotten their start singing in church? How many ordinary men and women serve selflessly today and will be stars in heaven one day?
I have twice attended a new church alone. It was quite intimidating! I feel your pain if you are a Christian who hasn’t attended church in a while. However, I pray you will consider attending this Sunday. There are many, many churches with unique people and styles. One of them will be right for you. One more thing to consider: in heaven, church won’t be an optional thing; it’ll be the only thing.
Today I called to have our cable service ended as we've switched to another service. What a simple task, you say! Not for me.
As I imagined the phone call, I felt a knot develop in my stomach. I could hear the customer service rep telling me what a fool I was to switch and that I'd be sorry. I just knew I was going to have to justify my decision and I dreaded it. I tried to cancel service via the impersonal website, but that was a no-go.
Do you ever feel like you're afraid to cut ties to something you know isn't right for you? Do you worry about what people will say? Have you thought about changing churches, jobs, or associations only to let anxiety hold you back?
Since this summer I have been determined to get out my scissors and confront my fears. So I called the cable company. I believe God cares about every detail of our lives, including the cable we're attached to. I also believe that God has a sense of humor. The customer service rep asked me why I was ending service and went on to ask which company I had switched to. I held my breath waiting for the condemnation of my choice. The rep said something much worse: "I hope you get everything you deserve." I was quite shocked! But then he explained, "I don't wish that on you or anyone. I don't ever get what I really deserve, considering everything I've done wrong."
Turns out my customer service rep was a pastor with Dunlop Disease. He said he's eaten so much his stomach has done lopped over his belt. LOL! After we laughed and chatted a bit, he said, "In a few decades, I'll see you in your new home."
Indeed, by the time we get to heaven, we will have cut off every tie, every cable that connects us here. And we need have no fear of it, because cable or no cable, we can remain in the service of our loving Savior.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)
When I attended a Christian college, I spent much of my time in competitive public speaking. I made sure that everything I said in competition represented me and my speech team well. I wouldn’t have dreamed of cursing when the judges were watching me. But once the competition was over, look out! A friend recently sent me a link to a video of a well-known broadcaster cursing like crazy. I wasn’t so much horrified by his behavior as I was thankful that no one has video of me behaving just as badly!
No one ever told me that my cursing was unbecoming of a Christian. They didn’t really have to. The more time I spent with people who sought to honor Christ, the less foul language I heard. The less foul language I heard, the less I used.
With the recent popularity of Internet acronyms, I have noticed that people feel more comfortable cursing in code—even Christians. Is there anything wrong with swearing? Or swearing via acronyms? If you don’t hold to the teachings of Christianity or another faith that frowns upon swearing, maybe not. Although anyone who curses in the wrong context risks appearing crude or uneducated, my post today is addressed solely to those who want to lead godly lives.
You may already have an opinion on swearing. You may think nothing of it. You may think it’s funny. You may think it’s offensive. But whatever you or I think about it does not matter if we are Christians. What matters is what God has to say about it.
One of the Ten Commandments addresses a common form of swearing:
Exodus 20:7 "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
God’s name was held in such reverence by the Israelites that they did not speak it and still today observant Jews will not write it in its entirety. Yet many Christians abuse the Lord’s name in obvious ways by essentially asking God to damn something or using the name of Jesus Christ as a curse. The more subtle and common misuse of God’s name is by casually emitting “oh my” followed by God’s name. If we are really not calling out to God, are we misusing His name? Does the use of an acronym get us out of our violation of the commandment?
I remember my mother telling me that her mother didn’t use expressions like omigosh or gee because these were just variations on the same theme. I have a habit of using these expressions and though I’d like to argue that they’re not the same thing at all, I think I’d lose that debate. I’m going to add cleaning up my language to my list of goals for the year.
What about other forms of swearing?
James 3:9-11 says:
9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring?
If you have any question about the appropriateness of a particular phrase or expression you are fond of, ask yourself if you were in the presence of the Lord whether you would use it. If not, be reminded that we are always in the presence of the Lord. Just as I considered my language as I represented my speech team, so we ought to consider all of our communications as representing our Savior.
Taming the tongue (and our fingers at the keyboard) is a challenge, isn’t it? It would be easy to get discouraged if not for another truth from God’s Word:
Romans 8:34-35:
34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
Jesus did not come to condemn us. Rather, he defends us even as we continue to fail. What’s more is that our cursing cannot separate us from God or His salvation. Watching our language isn’t about law; it’s about love. I love God so much that I do not want to dishonor Him.
As your sister in Christ, I ask that you would consider joining me this year in seeking a G-rating on our communications. G being for godly of course. 🙂
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are nearly upon us and I am remembering what a difficult time the holidays can be. As much press as the turkey, the gifts, and the alcohol get on these special days, I think most of us would be content with one thing–a loving family. It doesn't seem like much to ask, does it? Yet so many of us face separation from those we love at the holidays by death, divorce, or distance. Even more of us know that while we will be with our family members this year, we will endure the pain of disassociation. In other words, our presence at the family gathering won't be celebrated by some of our family members.
There are so many ways people can choose not to celebrate us this year–by drinking too much, smiling too little, criticizing, leaving early, not contributing, not talking, or just not showing up. As much as some of us try to place the blame for this rejection squarely with the one behaving badly, it's all too easy for us to wonder, 'What's wrong with me?'
I read John 1:11 recently and was struck by the realization that Jesus knows the pain of not being celebrated by His family: He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Many times I have heard the cries of the broken heart begin with "my own." How could my own husband, my own mother, my own father, my own brother, my own in-laws treat me this way? And family members are hard to exchange, aren't they? Once we've been rejected once, we may find little hope for a loving family celebration in the future.
But there is hope for our holidays this year. We can find hope in knowing that Jesus is acquainted with our sorrow. He knows how it feels to be rejected, not only as a human being on earth, but as God Himself. As a culture, we continue to reject Him by trying to remove Him and His name from our holiday celebrations, yet He does not reject us. Because God knows our pain from personal experience, He can comfort us like so many others cannot.
Comfort is good, but sometimes the only thing that will satisfy our aching heart is to be with a loving family. No matter who or where you are and no matter who you're related to, I have good news. This year, you can spend the holidays with those who cherish you. You have a Father and a Brother who long to spend time with you. Will you come away from the busyness of the season to visit with your heavenly Father and Christ, your brother? I hope you will. If you do, rather than lament how your earthly family hasn't received you, you will be ready to celebrate the richness of what yourown God has given you. After all, that's what holy days are all about.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
