When She Loved Me

I woke up this morning feeling sad. And I had Jesse’s song from Toy Story 2 playing in my head. When I can’t get a song out of my mind and there’s no explanation for it, I usually find that God is my DJ. This morning was no exception.

I have had a lot of people in my life who loved me once, but don’t anymore. Or at least it seems like they loved me at one time. I know I’m not alone in that experience. I spoke with a woman at length this week who wanted to know why her husband didn’t love her anymore. She didn’t say it quite that way. Instead she said, “Why do you think he…?” and “If I did that, do you think he’d…?” I told her we could spend all day talking about the why’s and what if’s and still the ache in her heart would be there.

I know my heart still aches. I’ve been going to the Lord with the same kind of questions that woman had. Why? What if? I told my husband about the Jesse song and he being not a particularly emotional guy said, “Oh, that song is soooooo sad.” It sure is. And why is it so sad? Surely it’s not sad because we feel badly for a make-believe toy that has no feelings?

Most likely the song tugs on our heart strings because we identify with Jesse. We are the toy that has been cast aside in relationships
that once meant so much to us. Jesse knew why she was under the bed. Her owner was growing up; she was changing. But the explanation didn’t make life without her any easier for Jesse.

As I often do with songs that keep playing in my head, I looked up the lyrics. Reading them as though I were Jesse made me feel the
sadness more acutely. But as I sat before the Lord looking for His wisdom for dealing with my broken heart, He told me that I wasn’t the one who’d been cast away. He was. God was singing these words over me as written by Sarah McLachlan:

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was I, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all 

Just she and I together, like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same

And she began to drift away, I was left alone

Still I waited for the day, when she’d say “I will always
love you.”

Unlike a doll, God does have feelings. He longs to have me come to Him for comfort when I feel rejected and alone. I don’t want to throw Him under the bed. Instead I want to tell Him I will always love Him by how I relate to Him and others—even those who don’t love me.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5b)

Scientists are People, Too

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Last night Dr. Carl Werner presented his evolution research at my church. Please check out his website! His writing and video production are superb. If you click on the video in the teacher/curriculum section, you'll see my testimonial about his books. One of the best lessons Carl taught me is that scientists are people, too.

I continue to be surprised by the number of people who have complete faith in science. It's as though science is fact, devoid of human error. I confess to sharing that viewpoint at one time, especially since I was trained in the sciences. Yet that very training should have convinced me that science is not immune to humanity.

We can all laugh about the people who thought the earth was flat, that the earth was the center of the universe, and that blood-letting cured disease. But for some reason, we readily believe that the days of scientific error are over. We comfort ourselves with the notion that if the majority of scientists are convinced of the veracity of something, it must be true. I direct you to the aforementioned scientific "truths" and countless others like them which the majority of scientists believed at one time.

Scientists may be smarter than most of us, but they aren't less human. Scientists have opinions about their area of study, the origins of the universe, and politics. Try though they might to remain neutral, it simply isn't possible. And neither are scientists immune to the desire for money, fame, and power that plagues the rest of us. We've sadly decided within my lifetime that clergy are not completely trustworthy, yet we continue to cling to the idea that scientists are.

Having worked with scientists, I can tell you that they are fully human. They can be lazy, foolish, disorganized, selfish, biased, and prideful just like you and me. Of course, they can also be hard-working, wise, orderly, generous, open-minded and humble just like you and me. I understand this longing we have to find at least one kind of person we can really trust. Sadly, there is no one on earth worthy of that kind of faith. As a Christian, I am so thankful that I can trust God without reservation. If you don't share my faith in God, at least consider the idea that scientists aren't worthy of your faith either. Remain skeptical, even when you hear that 'all leading scientists' believe thus and so. Be willing, as I am, to be called a fool for refusing to trust something just because a scientist says it's so. If we are fools in this, we are certainly in good company as many of the greatest advances were made by men and women courageous enough to say, "I am willing to stand alone in my beliefs."

Malnourished

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Some of
you may remember my post on diving for pearls this summer in which I alluded to
some health problems I was having. I have been blessed to have many people
inquire about how I’m feeling now that it’s Fall. I struggle to answer that
question succinctly—a problem that isn’t new to me! But the simplest answer I
can give is that I was malnourished , but am now well fed by the grace of God.  I want to tell you more in the hope
that God will use my experience to help you or someone you love.

At the age of 17, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I
wasn’t put on medication, but was told to avoid milk products and alcohol. I
dealt with what were actually mild symptoms compared to most UC sufferers until
I was 34. That was when I had yet another week-long episode of abdominal pain
and a complete inability to eat. The symptoms of the disease weren’t anything I
relished sharing with others, but on one Fall Sunday, I shared my burden with
two dear sisters in the Lord at church. They prayed for me and I returned home
certain that I would have to go to the hospital and submit to either medication
or surgery. I had seen the devastating effects of drugs on a friend who had UC
and greatly feared having a colostomy.

When I
returned home from church, I prayed fervently and told the Lord that if He didn’t
do something, I would go to the hospital. I was lying down and felt a warm
tingling sensation go through my whole body. I fell asleep and when I woke up,
the pain was gone. Not long after, an online friend told me about the Specific
Carbohydrate Diet (SCD). It was an incredibly stringent diet, promoted by Elaine
Gottschall, a woman who I do not believe was a Christian. I assumed that God’s
healing was only for my current crisis and started the SCD. My symptoms went
into complete remission and I gave the glory for my healing to my diet.

The abdominal
pain came back a few times during that eight-year period. At one point, I appeared
to be developing more food allergies. My husband and I were in Cancun and I had
no idea what to eat between the restrictive SCD and the new allergies. I prayed
and then read Matthew 6:25 in my Bible, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" I knew the Lord had given me freedom to eat
while in Cancun and I enjoyed eating what I was served. But I assumed that this
freedom was only for my vacation. When I came home, I continued to eat
according to the SCD.

A year
ago last spring, a new troubling symptom cropped up. I was having numbness and
weakness in my right leg. My mother has MS so I knew what it was. I was certain
that the chocolate I had been eating (that was prohibited by the SCD) was
responsible. I was stringent about my diet and the symptom became less and less
noticeable until last May. The numbness spread to the entire right side of my
body. At the same time, GI symptoms I hadn’t had for eight years returned with
a vengeance. I also began experiencing severe heartburn, indigestion, and nasal
allergy symptoms. The heartburn was so bad that at times I was unable to speak
or swallow.  I was determined to find the
solution.

Why
didn’t I just go to a doctor, you may ask? I hadn’t had good experiences with
doctors up to that point. I won’t detail them here, but suffice to say I didn’t
trust them. Instead of seeking medical attention, I sought answers from the
world of natural health. What I read convinced me that I had food allergies. I
drastically changed my diet in order to determine what was at the root of my
symptoms. As a result, some of my symptoms disappeared. Suddenly, I no longer
needed Zyrtec for nasal allergies—something I’d suffered with for decades. My
year-long battle with increasingly severe hormonal symptoms was also over. I
felt I was on the right track!

But the
heartburn, indigestion, and neurological symptoms continued. In addition to
trying different stringent diets, I added a huge number of expensive natural
supplements to my regimen. I learned about nutrition and the dangers of eating
chemically and genetically altered foods as well as too much sugar. I told
everyone who would listen about the health I’d regained as a result of my diet
change and what I believed diet and supplements could do for me and for them.

After
several months, I had lost more than 20 pounds and the digestive and
neurological symptoms were no better. I finally saw a gastroenterologist. Her initial
prescription did not stop the heartburn and her second prescription of a med
that had serious neurological side effects gave me no hope that she could help
me. Despite the love and prayer support of so many, I was depressed and
terrified. It was at that time that I found a book on Amazon called A More
Excellent Way.

When I
received A More Excellent Way, I had read at least a dozen books on health and
nutrition. None had been the definitive answer for me. I prayed and asked the
Lord to show me whether this was what He wanted me to read. I’m sure He
thought, “Finally!” The daily devotional I was reading (and continue to read)
for that day actually used the phrase, “A More Excellent Way.” I wonder
sometimes if I get these dramatic answers to prayer because I am too dense to
pick up more subtle answers! I began reading the book and become convinced that
the Lord wanted me to fast for three days (I should note that this conviction I
should fast had nothing to do with the book). I was afraid to fast because of
the amount of weight I’d lost up to that point, but my dh agreed that I should
do it.

I spent
three days being purged. I learned that there was a good chance my illness had
spiritual and emotional roots. I shed a lot of tears and let go of
unforgiveness, hurt, and fear. I learned that I hadn’t been trusting God.
Instead, I felt I was responsible to heal myself and fix everyone and
everything around me. I had also been trusting in everything BUT God. I didn’t
give Him the glory for the healing I’d already experienced. As I read about
people who had been healed of multiple allergies, autoimmune disorders, and
cancer, I believed that God wanted to heal me, too. When the fast was over, I
began eating normally. Not only did I eat normally, but I began eating foods I
hadn’t eaten for eight years. Then I began eating foods I hadn’t had since I
was 17. And I was okay!

At
first, nearly every meal required that I repeat Scripture and God’s promises so
I wouldn’t panic. At times, I felt that I would have to run to the bathroom and
could feel mouth sores developing, but as I prayed and trusted God, the
symptoms disappeared. My children and husband rejoice with me that I can now
eat anything! I no longer feel like an outsider with my family. I can eat
popcorn with them while we watch a movie! I can eat the daily bread I pray for
in the Lord’s Prayer!

I have
waited all this time to share what is an absolute miracle in my life because I
am not 100% healed. I still have mild heartburn and mild neurological symptoms.
I have had a return of a few hormonal symptoms and even a return of the desire
to overeat—something I haven’t had for more than a decade. But these symptoms
and the fear they generate drive me to pray and to read His Word as I’ve never
done before. I’ve experienced miraculous physical healing, but even more, I
have experienced  spiritual and emotional
healing. The spirit of anger and fear that I’ve lived with all my life have
been overcome by the Holy Spirit. I have peace and joy and my faith in God has
grown by leaps and bounds.

This
spring I was certain I was malnourished. I believed the food allergies I had
gave rise to damage to my digestive tract which in turn gave rise to
malnutrition. That malnutrition was responsible for the many physical symptoms
I was experiencing. You wouldn’t think that a person who was eating every day
could be malnourished, but I learned that it was very possible. Whether I was
physically malnourished or not, I don’t know. But I know I was spiritually
malnourished. Though I prayed and read God’s Word most days, I rarely had a
full meal. I now understand that I “picked at” my spiritual food because I had
a problem in my relationship with God. Deep down, I felt He was the hard master
described in Luke 19:21, not a loving Father who longed to care for me.

Of
course, I would like to have complete physical healing. I would love your
prayers for this. But more importantly, pray that I will continue to be
spiritually healthy. If the symptoms I have are what is necessary to keep me
hungry for God, let me keep them forever.

I am
very sorrowful that I have not given God the glory for health and healing He’s given me and
sorrier still that I have encouraged others to look to anything other than Him
for help. I cannot tell you not to see a doctor, not to take a medication, or
not to change your diet. But I can tell you not to neglect your spiritual
nourishment. Spend time with Him today in prayer and reading His Word. Trust in
the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

Why is Simple Living So Complicated?

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As I’ve continued to enjoy living without a to-do list, I
keep looking for others online who share my practice. I’ve been able to find
precious few people who’ve discovered the peace that is possible when you toss
out your to-do list.

At first I thought this paucity of like-minded souls suggested
that I had such a novel idea that I should write a book about it. It took me
about a minute to determine that the book would be rather short. “Just do
stuff. No list.” When I Google the subject, I pull up countless websites that tell
me that what I am experiencing just isn’t possible; success requires a to-do
list, say the experts.  As I read through
many simple living blogs, I have to wonder why it takes so long to explain how
to do things “simply.”

If I sound mocking, know that I mock myself as well. How
many hours have I spent reading and researching how to simplify my life? I
would be horrified to know how much of that time has been devoted to reading
about cleaning and organizing rather than cleaning and organizing. Does a woman
with a Ph.D. really have to be told:

If you don’t use it, need it, or love it, get rid of it.

Yet, I continue to read this advice repackaged in numerous
books and websites and act like it’s news to me. “Oooooohhhhh, I see. That’s
what I need to do.” All my list-making, software searching, and reading hasn’t
helped me live simply, but has certainly convinced me that I’m a simpleton. Why
do so many of us behave this way? Why do we have to invest so much of our time
and money into learning to do things we already know how to do? Are we really a
bunch of people who are so slow that we need to endlessly be instructed about
parenting, health, and productivity? Apparently.

So why are we so learning disabled when it comes to simple
living and life change for that matter? In A Thomas Jefferson Education, Oliver
DeMille argues that all education is self-education. In other words, unless you
WANT to learn something, you won’t. And when you DO want to learn something,
you won’t even need an instructor. You’ll just learn it. If you don’t really
want to declutter your house, you won’t—even if FLYLady makes a personal visit.
If you really DO want to declutter, you will. You won’t waste any time waiting
for your special FLYLady timer to arrive before you get started.

Don’t get me wrong. Some of us really do need an instructor.
But when it comes to most of the changes we need to make, what we really need
is the want-to. Here are some signs that you might not have the want-to you
need:

·        
You’ll get started after some future event (the
wedding, the baby, the retirement)

·        
You often talk about why something didn’t work
(FLYLady, GTD, Love & Logic)

·        
You can produce lots of great reasons why you
can’t do it (health problem, family member, money, too tired)

·        
You’d much rather spend time reading about or
researching that which you should be doing

·        
If you suddenly had a free day, you wouldn’t
spend time on whatever you “want” to do

·        
If you knew you were going to be dead in six
months, you still wouldn’t do it

If
any of those statements sound like you, you aren’t ready to learn and do.
Because you aren’t, you’ll make things that are very simple very complicated.
But, you may ask, why would any reasonable person behave this way? Here are
some reasons to consider:

You
are trying to live up to someone else’s standard. It isn’t your standard. Deep
down you just don’t care, but you keep thinking you “should.”

You
feel guilty when you aren’t doing. Guilt makes you spend more time doing
nothing, not less.

You’re
afraid of the consequences of doing. Will people expect more of you than you
can deliver? Will you lose a relationship or gain one? Will your opinion of
yourself change for the worse?

You’re
angry at someone or at God. You don’t feel you should have to do something or
subconsciously you get back at someone by not doing it.

You’ve
believed lies. You think perfection is possible or that you’re hopeless.

If
any of these reasons apply to you, how then can you find the want-to you need
to get things done? First, be brutally honest with yourself. Second, confess
any guilt, fear, apathy, or willingness to believe lies to God and receive His
forgiveness. Third, ask Him to give you the want-to. Philippians 2:13 says “It is God who
works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." Fourth, tell
someone you trust why you don’t have the want-to and check in with them
regularly to talk about how you’re doing. Finally, memorize  Scriptures related to the reasons behind your
unwillingness and meditate on them as often as necessary.

As
each day goes by without the use of a to-do list, I have found that I wonder
when my life will fall apart. This simple living just seems too…simple. I sometimes don’t know what to do with all my
free time (that’s why I decided to write this post). I miss some of the people
I met while trying to make my life more complicated. But simple living works.
Try it! If you want to…

Agreeing With God

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I've had disagreements with my parents, my friends, my bosses, pastor, husband, and kids. But until today, I didn't realize that I've had disagreements with God, too. Sure I've had disappointments with God. I'll even admit to being peeved at Him. But I have never thought of them as disagreements.

Disappointments have to be grieved. I remember pitching the biggest fit when I was eight years old about not being able to stay overnight at the new farmhouse we'd purchased as planned. Fortunately, after many tears and a few weeks, I got over it.

Anger has to be soothed. My mother was a master at soothing my anger. She would pretend like I wasn't mad and would try to make me laugh. I almost always did.

I've always thought that heaven would provide me with the ultimate relief from my disappointment and anger. Perhaps I would be so distracted by the glories of heaven that I would forget all about the troubles I'd had on earth. Perhaps God's presence would be so soothing that I wouldn't feel hurt and angry about everything that went on before. But an email I got today from a Bible Question of the Week gave me a completely different perspective. The question the email answered was whether pets go to heaven. The we-don't-know answer was familiar to me, but the last sentence of the answer wasn't:

We do know that God is just and that when we get to
heaven we will find ourselves in complete agreement with His decision
on this issue, whatever it may be.

In our disagreements with others, we are doing well just to get beyond the disappointment and anger. I once had a serious disagreement with my husband. I am no longer disappointed and angry about it, but I still don't agree.

How different is our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Not only will He wipe away every tear; not only will He fill us with His joy, but we will find ourselves in complete agreement with Him. Every illness, trial, and unanswered prayer we've endured will evoke, "You were right." 

My husband can testify to the fact that those words seldom make their way from my lips! But knowing that they will one day be the words I use to praise our awesome God enables me to trust Him when my flesh cries out in disappointment in anger. May we be like Joseph who held no grudge against God for his unjust treatment:

But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…" Genesis 50:19-20a