Homeschooling can be hard, but it shouldn’t be striving. Psalm 46:10 says, “Cease striving and know that I am God.” Striving isn’t a word we commonly use. I looked up the definition and was surprised by it. Striving may be defined as making great efforts to achieve or obtain something. Cease striving? That sounds downright unAmerican. Tommy Hilfiger said, “The road to success is not easy to navigate, but with hard work, drive and passion, it’s possible to achieve the American dream.”
Why should we cease striving then? The Bible dictionary defintion of striving wasn’t much help, except that it defines it as struggle. God would have us work hard, but He wouldn’t have us struggle in our own strength. Habakkuk 1:11 describes the Babylonians as people whose own strength is their god. I have so often been just like them.
Here are signs that you are homeschooling in your own strength, that you’re striving.
There’s no joy
Homeschooling is a burden for you. You resent it. You look forward to it being finished for the day and possibly for good. You’re irritated by your children’s slowness to learn, to work, or your family’s lack of appreciation. It’s not exciting. It’s just really hard. You wish you could make time for other things you enjoy doing or you wish you could find the passion for it you used to have.
You’re fearful
You worry that you’re not doing enough, that you’re not using the right curriculum, that your children are behind, that your children will have low test scores, that you’ll be evaluated and fall short, that your family won’t be able to pay the bills, that your children won’t get into college or find a job to support them. Sometimes you have trouble sleeping. Your fear leads you to compare yourself to other homeschoolers and you find you never measure up.
You’re tired
The fear and the work are wearing you out. You’re doing so much for so many and nothing seems to go as planned for school, your family, your life. You think the answer is to work harder. You must be lazy or your family is or both. So you will try again with a new approach, a new curriculum, or a new schedule. You will lay down the law with yourself and the kids. But even as you think about trying again, you feel exhausted.
If you see yourself in any of those descriptions, there’s a good chance that at least some of the time you are striving. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to recover your joy, your peace, and your energy by ceasing to strive? It IS possible. I’ve experienced it. Here’s how.
How to cease striving
First, determine who your God is.
As I began my homeschooling journey, God was the author of it. It was His idea for me and my family. But after a while, He became little more than an undependable teacher’s helper. When things were bad, I would ask Him to pitch in, but I didn’t expect Him to follow through. In my view, He was even sometimes spiteful — a God who didn’t care if I suffered because it was good for me, a God who didn’t really love me enough to care about my challenges. There is a powerful quiz in the book Sidetracked in the Wilderness by Michael Wells that can help you determine if your view of God is a problem. Find it in the show notes at homeschoolsanity.com/strive
The truth is God is the source of our homeschooling success. If we aren’t abiding in Him, we will lose our joy, our peace, and our energy. He is the only reason I have produced any fruit in my homeschooling. He wants me to succeed because homeschooling was His idea for us. He loves me deeply; He loves my husband; He loves my children. He never wants to see me suffer needlessly as I have in trying to homeschool in my own strength. He isn’t a lame teacher’s helper. He is THE teacher, the principal, the school counselor, the board president, the librarian, the school cook, even the janitor. He definitely cleans up the messes we make. He is our creator and His power is so great that He raised Jesus from the dead and transformed us through the Holy Spirit living in us.
Second, determine who you are.
My inaccurate view of God led me to have a false view of myself. I thought I was the beginning and end of my homeschool. When my child earned a scholarship, that was me. When my child was reprimanded by another adult, that was also me. I was the god of my homeschool. Being god is very discouraging, terrifying, and exhausting because we weren’t created for this role. Even keeping up the appearance that we are the gods of our homeschools is overwhelming.
I don’t know how I’ve borne the fruit of our homeschool–the wonderful blessings I see and that I’ve been praised for–because I didn’t grow it. I don’t have that ability. I’m a self-centered, disorganized, slothful woman in my flesh. I know this is true and it terrifies me when I’ve put myself in the role of god in my homeschool. The truth for you and me is that apart from God we can do nothing in homeschooling or in life.
Finally, abide humbly with your God
Shortly after reading Sidetracked in the Wilderness, I saw a baby being changed at the tennis club where I play. The woman who works in the nursery absolutely adores children. The baby watched his caregiver in complete peace and trust as she changed him. I realized that this is what God wants as He seeks to change me. But I have been screaming, trying to roll away, and trying to change myself. I have been striving.
When we have an accurate view of God, we trust Him to make our homeschools bear fruit. The baby didn’t worry that the woman in the nursery didn’t know what she was doing. We can have complete confidence in God, regardless of our problems. A student who can’t read, a rebellious child, and more month than money are all small things to our great God.
Abiding in Him means that we trust Him to not only solve the problems that invariably arise in our homeschools. It also means that we trust Him to change us. I am not a self-centered, impatient, lazy mother because Jesus lives in me and through me. When I spend more time online than I should, I repent, knowing that my behavior is not who I am. It’s a small blip on the screen of my story that is quickly edited.
Abiding in Him means that I stay close to Him throughout the day, like an employee in training. I don’t imagine that I know what to do. I don’t! Even after 19 years of homeschooling. Instead I call on Him for help and wisdom all day long. I seek to learn from Him by reading His Word and praying and worshiping, not as a duty, but because it is my lifeline. I begin my day by writing to God and sharing what is on my heart and listening for what is on His.
I despise the pride that provokes me to stop abiding in Him. As I experience discouragement, fear, and fatigue, I invariably discover a root of pride. I was hoping to look good, for God to obey my commands, for God to bless my efforts in doing things He hasn’t called me to do.
I have had a homeschool problem with a child of mine recently. I have prayed about it, of course, but more than this, I have been striving. I have applied my education, experience, and my flesh to the problem. But it has persisted. As I’ve taken a fresh look at it through the lens of humbly abiding, I realized that the main reason I see it as a problem is because of my pride. My child has been refusing to do something that would make me look good. My child isn’t concerned about it. Most likely my reliance on myself has made the problem worse. No matter how it works out, I will trust God to manage it. I no longer feel defeated, afraid, or worn out by the situation. I am homeschooling where strivings cease.
Conclusion
This fresh approach to walking with God has honestly changed my life in more than just homeschooling. It has impacted my business and relationships. I’m not burdening myself with trying to produce more and more products on a ridiculous timeline to feed my pride. I’m not fretting about mistakes I make in my business because I’m afraid of looking foolish in front of you. I am a fool and I don’t know how I haven’t made even more mistakes except for the grace of God. I’m finding myself able to let others’ negative behaviors go because I know they come from their own failure to humbly abide and I know I can’t manage them in my own strength. For years now I have tried to determine exactly what to say and do in response to difficult people. Replaying conversations and thinking of what I should have said and what I should say in the future has taken up so much of my time, energy, and joy. I recently admitted to the Lord that I couldn’t manage these people. I had no idea what to say or do, so God would have to do it. Immediately, the tension and unhappiness I have had for so long lifted. I know God will manage it. If I am to say or do anything in the future, He will prompt me then, not now.
I used to understand how to abide and not strive. I wrote the book So You’re Not Wonder Woman about the changes God made in my weight, home, and relationships. What’s sad is that I later thought the book wasn’t good because I don’t give a step-by-step plan for changing your life. I don’t have one! I don’t know how God changed me, but I am so thankful He did. I’m so thankful that He forgives me and brings me back when I have been busy relying on the god of my own strength.
The book My Weakness for His Strength contains daily devotions with reminders of the principles in Michael Wells’s book Sidetracked in the Wilderness. I believe it can help you abide and not strive. Find a link to it in the show notes at homeschoolsanity.com/strive.
My prayer is that you would homeschool where strivings cease. Comment and let me know how I can pray for you.
When I began homeschooling, I immediately discovered that disciplining my children was central to my homeschooling success. If I couldn’t get them to obey me, I couldn’t teach them. Even though I’m a psychologist, I spent a lot of time reading about how to discipline. I’ve learned a lot over the years and I want to share some principles with you that can save you time as a new homeschooler.
You may have read that there are three basic approaches to parenting. There is the authoritative approach. This is the most balanced, healthy style. You’re the authority in your child’s life, but you extend plenty of grace. You enjoy your children and they love you as well as respect you. There is also the authoritarian approach. This style takes authority and commands very seriously. Swift obedience is valued above relationship. Demands for obedience are often accompanied by anger and harsh punishments for failure to comply. This approach can lead to children who obey outwardly but inwardly burn with resentment. The authoritarian approach puts parental demands above the child’s needs. Finally, there is the passive approach. The passive approach also puts the parent’s needs ahead of the child’s. In this style, the parent does not demand obedience or respect because discipline is too much work. The parent doesn’t provide consequences for misbehavior. The child feels unloved and is ill equipped to function in a society with other authority figures.
I doubt that you would put yourself squarely in either of the latter two categories. Instead, most of us see ourselves as authoritative parents. However, when we are under stress, tired, or overwhelmed, we will tend to revert to one of the less functional parenting approaches or both.
How We Can Use a Functional Parenting Approach Even Under Stress
The key to being a positive parent even when we’re hangry, wiped out, or PMSing is to plan ahead. We need to know our triggers and have a response ready.
Which misbehaviors get to you the most? Is it acting out in a public place? Is it not picking up after you’ve asked? Is it fighting? Make note of these.
Then consider which situations lead you to revert to an authoritarian or passive style. Is it when you’re short on sleep? When you’ve had no time away from the kids? When you’re running late? You’ll also want to make note of these situations.
First, decide with your spouse (if you’re married) what your family rules are. It’s a good idea to have your rules posted and to review them with your children regularly. Next, decide which consequences you will use for violations of these rules. Consider these.
Spanking. This is most effective for outright defiance or blatant disrespect in young children. However, avoid physical punishment if you are prone to anger OR if you have a child prone to anger. There are other forms of discipline that are more effective in this case.
Scary persona. Giving your child the eagle eye or using a certain tone of voice is enough to correct misbehavior with some children in some situations.
Privilege levels. You can keep track of the level of privileges your child is using a cork board and a pin, for example. This system requires an understood and achievable means for a child to return to higher privilege level. Using this approach with multiple children can be challenging.
Refuse requests. As described in How to Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman, refuse to comply with your child’s next request after misbehavior. For example, “You may not have a snack.” “Why?” “Because you wouldn’t come inside when I called you.” The advantage of this approach is it requires no pre-planning and can be very effective.
Guided obedience. When young children refuse or are slow to pick up toys or go up to bed, guide them with your hands (without anger) until they are complying on their own. Thank them for obeying, even though you are providing the guidance.
Time out. Putting a child in a place where there is no opportunity for reinforcement (no access to toys, books, or interaction with others) for one minute for each year of their age is an effective strategy for many children. The same can be done with a toy that isn’t being used properly or is being fought over.
Put fighting children in close quarters. Insist that siblings who are fighting stay in a small room (like a bathroom) until they can stop quarreling. Insisting that the squabblers wear a single large shirt, hug, or hold hands until they stop serves the same purpose.
Fines. If you give your children an allowance or earnings for chores, you can discipline misbehavior with a fine. Keeping track of your child’s money on an app on your phone makes it easy to fine wherever you are.
Confinement. A young child who doesn’t like to be restricted can be seated in your lap with his back to you. Firmly hold his right arm with your left hand and vice versa for a minute for each year of age. Do not speak to your child after explaining what the misbehavior was, but require him to remain in your lap.
Make note of which approach you will be using. The simpler the better.
The final step in avoiding an unhealthy parenting style is to prevent the situations that lead you to adopt them. If you know lack of sleep is a problem, make sleep a priority. If your sleep deficit is unavoidable, avoid other stressors that will put you over the edge. Get a nap. Tell your children that you’re especially tired and need their help and definitely ask another adult to help you. Eliminate activities that contribute to stress and plan ahead so you can be at your best. Lay out shoes the night before and leave earlier than you need to for actiities. Review the rules with your children before you go to public places. For example, “If you beg for something in the store, we will leave immediately.” Then follow through.
Conclusion
Improving your parenting approach is a lifetime activity. Give yourself lots of grace for making mistakes! Pray, read Scripture, and talk to other parents about their struggles. You’ll find you’re in good company. But any effort you make to improve your parenting approach will pay off in improving your homeschool.
Which parenting approach do you revert to when you’re stressed? What misbehaviors are most likely to lead to that? What discipline strategy would you like to try going forward? Comment and let me know.
What does the Bible say about being a homeschooling mother? I’m surprised how much of an example we have in the Proverbs 31 woman. Let’s pick up where we left off after part 1, which you can read here.
Verse 17 says that she sets about her work vigorously.
There it is again, her excellent work ethic. But we read that she also manages to keep her arms strong. My grandmother, in baking goods for an area bakery, had to have strong arms from kneading dough. No doubt she kept fit working in the garden as well. Today we have so many modern servants that it’s harder to stay strong by doing our everyday work. That’s why we have to be intentional about getting the exercise we need. Exercise in the form of walking, jogging, or any of a number of aerobic classes can keep our heart strong and our weight down. But we also need to keep our strength up. Strength training helps to prevent osteoporosis, keeps us looking fit and younger, and allows us to continue caring for our grandchildren well into our 70s. For more on how we can be strong moms, read my guest post on The Musings of Mum.
Verse 18 says that she sees her trading is profitable.
She is managing her business and also household expenses. We too want to be certain that we are good stewards of everything God has given to us.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
The verse continues with what I believe is the most misunderstood aspect of the Proverbs 31 woman. The verse says that her lamp does not go out at night. Real women like us can read these verses and think that in order to be a Proverbs 31 homeschooling mom, we must get up at dawn and stay up past midnight. Instead, I believe we learn here that keeping lamps lit requires proper planning.
Matthew 25 recounts the parable of the ten virgins.
“At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise.3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them.4 The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.6 “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’7 “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’9 “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’10 “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.11 “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’12 “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’13 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.
The Proverbs 31 woman has planned ahead and has enough oil to keep her lamps burning. The lesson we can take from this is that we do not want to be caught unprepared. If we plan ahead, we don’t have to discover the night before the Christmas pageant at church that none of the stores in our area have black pants in our boys’ size. Planning ahead saves our time, our money, and our sanity. Being prepared and not burning the candle at both ends is what I believe this verse is about. I do not believe that God would suggest we skimp on sleep when Jesus Himself slept whenever He felt the need. The Proverbs 31 woman’s lamp is also lit because she is prepared for the Lord’s return. We can keep the lamp of our hearts burning as we wait for Him as well.
In verse 19, we find a Proverbs 31 woman spinning again. It reads, “In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.”
What stands out to me from this verse is the emphasis on her hand. It is tempting as homeschooling moms to want to delegate as much as possible. I’m all for delegation! But there are some tasks that we ought to take responsibility for ourselves. I believe training our children the faith is one of those. I believe that teaching our children how to live in an increasingly unChristian culture is also our responsibility. We can have pastors and youth leaders and Christian teachers come alongside us to help, but our hands have to be in the business of training our children.
The next verse says that she opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
This verse convicts me because much of the charitable work I do is outside my children’s awareness. We want to make sure our children know and participate in giving directly to needy people. The responsibility of offering hospitality is also hinted at here. If we do not make the sacrifice of honoring and serving guests in our home, we are missing an opportunity that would bless us and most certainly would bless our children.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
In verse 21 review we read once again that the Proverbs 31 woman is prepared. She’s not only prepared for the challenges she expects, but those she doesn’t necessarily expect. We don’t want to be caught unprepared for difficulties whether those are financial or otherwise. We want to be ready. A homeschooling mom I know had two hours to remove belongings before a fire consumed her apartment building. In an emergency like that, would you be able to retrieve your most valued possessions? If not, this preparation is something we want to do to become more like the Proverbs 31 woman.
Verse 22 says she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Here’s how I read that: She looks good. Making an effort to look good brings honor to her husband. This does not mean we have to wear expensive designer clothes. But it could mean that we make an effort to look as good for our spouse as we would for church or an important meeting. The side benefit of this is the better we look, the better we tend to feel. I used to wear sweatpants, my hair in a ponytail, and no makeup. Makeup isn’t the issue, so don’t let that hold you up. I feel better wearing some makeup; other women don’t. The key is to feel good about how you look. The more confident we feel, the more attractive we will be to our mate.
Verse 23 tells us her husband is respected.
At that time, and even still today, his respectability was somewhat dependent upon his wife’s character.
Verse 24 tells us that the Proverbs 31 woman has another business.
This business may be where she got the funds to start her vineyard. It can be intimidating to think about a woman who has multiple irons in the fire, but I find it exciting. This woman is held up as a model for godly women. If you have the desire to do something other than homeschool, I believe God honors that desire. We each have different capacities, depending on our families and our giftings. It seems to me that the Proverbs 31 woman was so earnest in her work and care for her family that she didn’t have time to compare herself to anyone else. Had her business gotten in the way of caring for her family, no doubt she would have made some changes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
Verse 25 tells us once again that she is confident about the future.
Verse 26 tells us that when she speaks, she speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She doesn’t say idle words. They are words meant to build up. They are words of wisdom that she believes are vital to her children and most likely other women she mentors. This verse is also very convicting to me because my words are often careless. They are often not words that build up and they are sometimes foolish. As we seek to teach our children, let us ask ourselves if what we are teaching is wise and will build them up for their walk with the Lord.
Verse 27 says she watches over the affairs of her household.
Have you ever been guilty, as I have, of not watching over the affairs of your household? Have you discovered like I once did that work that was marked complete in the student planner wasn’t actually done? Have you gone so long without checking on chores that you’re horrified to see the state of your child’s room or the bathroom that is your child’s responsibility? Maybe it’s just me. Watching over the affairs of our household is what will give our husbands confidence in us. My husband, in particular, gets upset when the kids’ bathroom is a mess. I have been more intentional about checking the state of the bathroom daily. I’m also checking my children’s work weekly.
Verse 28 says her children arise and call her blessed.
Some of us homeschooling moms feel a pang of longing when we hear those words because our children are arising and complaining and quarreling instead. My belief is that the Proverbs 31 woman demands respect and gratitude from her children. It is something that I demand from mine. I feel no guilt over telling my children the sacrifice I have made to homeschool them. But even so, most children have to mature before they recognize how blessed they have been to have a devoted homeschooling mother. Hang in there, mom. The blessing is coming.
I love verses 30 and 31. In verse 30 we read that a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Our faith, our trust in God, and our obedience to Him are a crowning glory. In our culture, we don’t typically receive the honor described here.
The next verse says that her works are honored at the city gate.
Our culture honors money, beauty, and prestige more than a faithful wife and mother. Even though we may suffer the negative remarks of those who don’t believe in homeschooling, I believe we will one day be honored for our work. I believe that homeschooling is an incredibly powerful way that God uses to raise up godly men and women for the next generation. I also believe that the city gate in which we will be honored is a heavenly one. What we suffer now in our hard work and our trials isn’t worth comparing to the glory we will experience one day.
Conclusion
To conclude our study, I believe that we are Proverbs 31 homeschooling moms if we believe we are. Begin each day considering what you did the day before that is consistent with your identity as this godly woman. Consider how you will earnestly take on your work as a Proverbs 31 homeschooling mom today. Know that we can do nothing apart from Him. But in His strength, we can be more than we ever imagined.
Which of these characteristics of a Proverbs 31 homeschool mom are you already making progress on?
Have you ever wondered as I have what God expects of you as a homeschooling mom? One place we can find answers to that question is in Proverbs 31. She isn’t the unrealistic role model so many say she is. Join me for the first part of a study of this woman and how she can help us grow in our roles as homeschool moms.
Grab your Bible and your printable study below and let’s walk through the Scriptures together.
In verse 10 we read, “A wife of noble character can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
One of the ways I have struggled as a homeschooling mom is in recognizing my value. Some of my friends work part-time or full-time instead of homeschooling and generate an income for their families. One even supplies college scholarship money because she works for a university. Our worth certainly does not depend on income generation. But the tasks that we perform in our roles as homeschooling mothers are very valuable. I have saved thousands in private school tuition over the years. My one-on-one tutoring of my children has helped them to earn college scholarships with their test performance and grades. My children and I are home to keep our house clean, meaning that I do not have to pay for housekeeper. I am not as rushed, so we can enjoy less expensive and healthier meals at home on a regular basis. I don’t have to have a more expensive work wardrobe and nothing I own needs to be dry-cleaned.
True value, however, is in being at home for our children. If we are married, we are also available to support our spouses. If you work part-time or full-time in addition to homeschooling, don’t think that I am taking anything away from your value as a homeschooling mom. The extra time you spend reading to and talking with your children has proven dividends.
Verse 11 tells us that the Proverbs 31 woman’s husband has full confidence in her and he lacks nothing of value.
I want to seek to educate and parent my children in such a way that my husband isn’t worried about our decision to homeschool. I can give him that confidence by bringing my very best to my role. Sometimes that means I have to educate myself about the best approach to teaching and parenting. Notice that it says the Proverbs 31 husband lacks nothing of value. It does not say lacks nothing. We gift our husbands with everything we can and are not responsible for gifting those things which we have not been given. At one time my husband asked me to learn to cut our children’s hair. Doing so would save us a tremendous amount of money and time. I was honestly reluctant to do this, but I purchased a book on how to cut hair at a used book sale, gave haircutting my best shot, and I have now been doing it for years. I cannot, however, offer everything that might be of value to my husband. We do what we can.
Verse 12 says she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
I have heard many sad stories of wives who spend freely and foolishly. I have heard other stories of women who refuse to cook, clean, or even be intimate with their husbands. Such women bring harm to their husbands. Those of us who are married want to bring our husbands good.
Verse 13 says she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
If you’re like me, at this point you’re thinking, “Woah, Nellie! I don’t spin thread.“ Neither do I. I don’t have the skill of spinning, and it’s just as well, because that skill is not of greatest value to my husband and family. We each do, however, have skills that are of value. What strikes me in this verse is her attitude about her work. She works with eager hands. She is diligent and not slow. She is ready to accomplish valuable work. Whatever our specific abilities are, we can approach our work eagerly.
The next verse tells us she is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
Have you ever ordered special foods for your family? I used to belong to an organic food co-op that required me to place my order well in advance and drive to pick it up. I was being like a merchant ship that was gathering the best food. Grocery shopping, even at your local Aldi’s, which is where I shop to save money, is gathering food from afar.
Verse 15 says she gets up while it is still night.
She is an early riser. Some of you may be bristling at that. I was not always an early riser, but I have come to love it. However, when I had babies getting me up in the middle of the night, I was not an early riser. The Proverbs 31 woman described here does not appear to be nursing an infant. The principle, however, is this. If we can begin our day early, however early is defined for our season of life, we can achieve the work God has given us to do. The later I get up, the less I get done. If you’re a late riser, consider gradually rising earlier and note any improvement in your days.
Verse 15 continues to say that she provides food for her family.
The benefits of eating at home are not limited to health and financial benefits. Meals prepared and served at home have numerous social and emotional benefits for families. The Proverbs 31 homeschool mom does what she can to provide meals for her family at home. This does not mean that we can never enjoy a meal out. But eating the majority of our meals at home is probably best for our families.
The verse goes on to say that she provides portions for her servants as well.
This is where you want to pull back on the reigns once again. Servants? Are you kidding me? No wonder she could do so much! She had help and you have none. I used to feel this way as well. But now I believe that I have many more servants than the Proverbs 31 woman had. I have a servant in the form of indoor plumbing that brings running water into my home. I do not have to send anyone for it. I have a servant that does all of my laundry, other than putting it away. My washing machine and dryer would’ve been an incredible blessing to the Proverbs 31 woman. I have convection and microwave ovens that greatly reduce my time spent cooking. I have a gas grill that turns on at the flip of a switch, a fireplace also. I have a servant that heats our home and one that cools us. I have a servant that takes me anywhere I want to go in the form of a vehicle. I don’t need a stable hand to care for my horses. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. Yes, the Proverbs 31 woman had to provide portions for her servants. In the same way, our modern servants require maintenance as well. The sacrifice is so little when you think of it that way.
Verse 16 says that she considers a field and buys it. From her earnings, she plants a vineyard.
The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t a 1950s homemaker. She is a real estate mogul and entrepreneur. Having started my own business, I have enormous respect for women who courageously venture into the world of self-employment. There is so much to know. It is so easy to be taken advantage of and to lose money with foolish purchases. Obviously, the Proverbs 31 woman had done her research. She knew land that was best for beginning a vineyard. She had obviously made good investments or income in the past because she used her earnings to plant a vineyard. She had to have researched this process a great deal. Homeschooling moms sacrifice at least potential income that they could otherwise made staying in the traditional workforce. But we do have the opportunity to make money even as we homeschool our children. We can not only make an income, but we can live the dream of hanging out our own shingle or beginning our own business venture. The skill required to become a homeschooling parent serves us well in this area. We know how to study a topic and we have already made the leap into what for many is the terrifying prospect of homeschooling. If you would like to find a way to add to your household income, I highly recommend the book, Money Making Mom by Crystal Paine.
I am going to end our study of the Proverbs 31 Homeschooling Mom here for today. We have enough to think about, don’t we? We want to consider our value as homeschooling moms, how we can bring good and not harm to our husbands, and how we may add to our family’s income. Work through the questions in the free printable I’ve provided for subscribers below. Then join me next week for Part 2 of our study.
If there was a simple way to turn your homeschool around, would you try it? It isn’t a new curriculum, a new teaching approach, or an organizing product. It’s a change in thinking.
That question we throw around all the time invites black-and-white thinking. We are challenged to consider whether our day has been good or bad. Thinking in terms of black and white or in dichotomies or extremes is the definition of black-and-white thinking.
Why is black-and-white thinking a problem?
Black-and-white thinking ignores the large gray areas in our lives and homeschools. It is a common habit that our children easily pick up. I want to give you plenty of examples of black-and-white thinking that can play a role in our homeschools, but first I want to talk about the dangers of black-and-white thinking.
Black-and-white thinking depresses our mood. This is so because in thinking in extremes, we tend to gravitate toward the negative. Our thinking, when it is chronically negative, can lead to changes in brain chemistry. Depression, in turn, is a condition that must be addressed or it can have serious consequences for us and our families.
Black-and-white thinking is definitely something we want to change so we can model healthy thinking for our kids.
How black-and-white thinking affects our homeschools and how to change it
The first way black-and-white thinking can affect our homeschools is how we evaluate things. We evaluate our day. If we decide we are having a good day, we are likely to treat everyone around us well. We are likely to get a lot accomplished. But if we decide we are having a bad day, we may make everyone around us miserable and in a self fulfilling prophecy, we will behave in such a way that things go wrong. You get nothing done.
Black-and-white thinking leads us to evaluate not just our day but homeschooling in general. Rather than consider progress that we have made or the positive aspects mixed with the more challenging aspects, we are tempted to give homeschooling a good or bad rating. If we consistently give homeschooling a bad rating, we are very likely to consider quitting. Our children’s bad rating of homeschooling can contribute to that.
Black-and-white thinking also comes into play when evaluating curriculum and classes. We often ask our kids whether they like a curriculum or class instead of asking them what aspects of it they enjoy. In this type of questioning, we are leading our children into black-and-white thinking. We want to emphasize to our kids that every type of education, every class, and every curriculum has its pros and cons.
If you have already made the mistake of modeling black-and-white thinking for your kids, you can stop today. Ask your child what the best parts of homeschooling are. Ask what they enjoy most about a class or curriculum you are using. The change in attitude can be dramatic as a result of letting go of black-and-white thinking.
The next way in which black-and-white thinking plays a role in our homeschooling is in our assessments of ourselves. I have often heard homeschoolers say, “I’m not good at math. I can’t write.” These types of statements are rife with black-and-white thinking. It is not true that even my most math-phobic friend cannot do math. My friend may have struggled with some aspects of algebra. But that does not mean she is incapable of doing mathematics. In the same way when I have made the mistake of saying I’m not artistic in the past, the truth is that I can draw at a basic level. I will not be winning awards for my arts, nor will I be teaching an art class anytime soon. But to compare myself to professional artists or those who are gifted in arts and to pronounce myself incapable is not how we want to model for our kids.
Most abilities, we know from research, can be developed. We are each born with a range of potential. Homeschooling is our opportunity to help our kids reach the upper limits of that potential. For example, you may have a child who seems naturally musically gifted. Perhaps they can play by ear. You may have another child for whom music requires a great deal of concentration and practice. This does not mean that your child who works at music is not musical. This is especially something to watch for when it comes to sibling relationships. Children often believe that if one child is gifted in an area, that area is no longer available to them. Make sure you tell your kids that every one of them can be the smart one, the athletic one, the musical one, the spiritual one. That, in fact, is why you homeschool. To give your kids the opportunity to reach their potential.
In order to discourage black-and-white thinking in your homeschool, first and foremost refuse to make black-and-white statements about yourself. If you catch yourself saying, “I can’t do public speaking,” correct yourself and say, “Public speaking has been challenging for me in the past but if I work on it I can improve.”
When you hear your children making black-and-white statements about their day, homeschooling, or their own abilities, challenge them. Ask them to consider the gray areas. Use humor. Ask them if it is the case that every single thing has gone wrong in their day. Your child will most likely admit that no, not every single thing has gone wrong that day. Ask your child to consider the positive and negative aspects of all forms of education. Ask your child to consider what he or she has learned in a particular subject area. Make sure to challenge the notion that your child has not learned anything in a subject that is more challenging for them. At the same time that you challenge your children’s black-and-white thinking, invite them to challenge yours. Black-and-white thinking is very insidious. It will show up when you aren’t paying attention. We have to hold one another accountable. You have my permission to challenge my black and white thinking as well.
With time and attention, we can combat black-and-white thinking in our homeschools. As a result we can feel happier, our children can be more confident, and our homeschools can be more pleasant overall.
This has been a stressful month for me. I have spent time thinking and praying about what led to the stress and what I can do about it. If you’re a stressed homeschool mom too, or if you just want to avoid stress in the future, I hope these tips help you.
First let’s define stress. Stress is a physical and emotional response to demands or threats. Release of adrenaline and cortisol is one response to stress that prepares our body for emergency action. The problem is when we have a chronic release of these hormones because everything feels like an emergency. Chronic stress can lead to physical and mental illness.
There are are six situations that can lead us to experiencing stress as homeschooling moms that affect everyone. But I will put these in a homeschool mom frame of reference.
#1 High Expectations
First is high expectations. The higher expectations we have of ourselves, our kids, and everyone else we interact with, the more likely we are to be disappointed. Disappointment leads to stress. When I began homeschooling I expected that I would have children who were dressed in matching outfits sewed by me, who would form a homeschool band at an early age. They would finish high school by the eighth grade and would make everyone praise me with their politeness, their bold faith, and their genius. That might be a little exaggerated, but you know what I’m saying. I went into homeschooling with very high expectations of myself and my children in particular. When we all failed to meet those expectations, I was disappointed. I was also stressed and even angry. My high expectations led me to become an impatient homeschooling mom. If that’s you, you may want to listen to the episode I did on how to be a patient homeschool mom.
My true confession time is that I have had very high expectations this month that have led to disappointment. Besides some events that were out of my control, like a hurricane, I have been stressed as a result of adding more responsibilities to my already full life. I wish I could do more and more and more, but I can’t do that and maintain the happy, balanced life I currently enjoy.
To manage stress as a homeschooling mom, we must manage our expectations. As you think ahead to this homeschooling week, the planned vacation, or another activity that you have high hopes for, consider the past. What has gone wrong in the past that may very well go wrong this time? It’s a good idea to also consider everything that might go wrong. This allows us to plan for those disappointments. Even more importantly, thinking ahead allows us to lower our expectations. I don’t know what you’re trying to balance in your life, but I also urge you to make an accurate assessment of your expectations of yourself. I had a long talk with my husband and he gave me some much-needed wisdom. I recommend talking with your spouse, homeschooling friends, and praying about your expectations and making sure they aren’t too high.
#2 Comparisons
My high expectations of myself and my family often come from comparing. I love the relationships that social media has allowed me to develop. But I don’t like that I am constantly tempted to compare myself to others. There are enough temptations to compare even without social media. Other homeschoolers tell you the impressive activities or achievements of their children. You see another mom working full-time and homeschooling who even has a clean house, and you wonder what’s wrong with you.
When we compare, we typically compare ourselves to those we perceive are achieving at a higher level. We raise our expectations of ourselves and our kids and typically pile more on an already full schedule. We may wonder how we have gotten ourselves into a very stressful lifestyle. It usually begins with comparisons.
Here’s my true confession time. I often compare myself to others who are super successful as bloggers, podcaster, or publishers. I don’t have their page views, their email subscribers, or their customers. So I raise the bar, even though I am happy and at peace in the work I’m doing. My stress level increases and I wonder if I should quit it all.
To manage the stress of comparison requires putting blinders on. We haven’t been called to be great at everything. Even though a friend is teaching homeschool classes and blogging and having her kids become proficient in a foreign language so they can do extended missionary work, that doesn’t mean it’s your calling. I will be spending less time reading about what other bloggers, podcasters, and publishers are doing going foward. They have to run their race and I have to run mine. Consider taking a break from social media or even relationships that tempt you to compare. Remind yourself of your calling every day. We are called to obedience, not results.
#3 Complaints
The third cause of stress I want to address is complaints. When we’re stressed, we complain. But complaints also lead to stress. The more we talk and think about what isn’t right, the worse we feel. We can find ourselves feeling mistreated, taken for granted, and out of control simply by virtue of complaining. Because complainers love company, we can add fuel to the complaint fire when we participate in a complaint session. Maybe everything is going fairly smoothly for you and your homeschool, but you hear someone talking about how their kids don’t pick up like they should or aren’t doing their work fast enough, and you’re prompted to remember all the ways your children disappoint.
True confession time. I’ve engaged in a lot of complaining about everything that has gone wrong lately. My website went down, there have been mix-ups and mistakes in multiple areas of my life. My complaining about them has added to my stress level and I have entered into a vicious cycle.
The answer to avoiding and managing stress that comes from complaints is to focus on gratitude. The book Kisses from Katie convicted me of my complaining attitude. I highly recommend the book and I think it would be an excellent one to read to slightly older children. I realized that my complaints were shameful given the abundance God has blessed me with in multiple areas of my life. I certainly didn’t like having my website down, but I am so grateful that I have a platform to share my ideas in a free country and that God provided technical help and emotional support very quickly. Gratitude has to be more than just listing one thing we’re grateful for each day. For me at least it means covering every complaint with gratitude.
#4 Fear
At the root of our high expectations, our comparisons, and our complaints is fear. We are afraid that we won’t measure up, that we’ll fail, that we’ll be rejected. So we raise our expectations of ourselves and our kids, so we won’t be labeled a homeschool failure. We compare ourselves to the exceptions rather than the rule in a misguided effort to motivate ourselves. We don’t want to be left out or left behind, so we agree to do one more activity.
Our fear of an unlikely eventuality creates something more fearful–stress. God would not have us choose out of fear. He admonishes us not to be afraid more than 300 times in the Bible.
Confession time. I hate doing new things in which there is a possibility that I will be embarrassed. I was, in fact, embarrassed more times than not by doing new things this week. I was stressed as a result, but I am honestly grateful. Here’s why.
To overcome fear-induced stress, we have to stop sweating the small stuff and laugh. I did everything in my power to avoid being embarrassed and it happened anyway. I realized that the Lord was most likely trying to get me to stop being so afraid of embarrassment. I decided to laugh. Some fears aren’t funny though, right? One of my stressors was my son having a serious bike accident. Had the circumstances been just a little different, he could have been killed or paralyzed. My fear of him possibly needing surgery or having a complication from his injury did absolutely nothing to change the circumstances. This is why Jesus asks us which of us can add even a single hour to our lives by worrying. Our fear serves only to cause us stress. How much better it is to trust in the Lord and to take all of our anxieties to him in prayer. I definitely asked friends and family to join me in praying for my son as well. Fear is not our friend. I encourage you to listen to the episode I did on anxiety for more.
Another way in which we contribute to our own stress is by having no limits. We throw out our routine. We ignore guidelines. We go to bed later than we know is good for us. We eat more sugar or fat or whatever food doesn’t sit well with us than we know is good for us. We allow the kids or ourselves to have more screen time than is healthy. We let the house go. Having no limits or disregarding them will increase our stress level tremendously. We think that having a free-for-all in our homeschools is relaxing, but it’s actually the opposite.
True confession time. I stayed up until two in the morning one night last week for no good reason, other then the comparison and high-expectation trap. I have also been spending an inordinate amount of time on social media again. I have tried to tell myself that having no limits will make me feel better, but of course I feel worse.
To manage the effects of no-limit stress, the obvious answer is to create and/or enforce limits. Get to bed at a reasonable time. Start eating the diet that makes you and your family feel great. Have limits for screen time that help you and your family be productive and enjoy one another’s company. Choose reminders or apps to support you in those limits.
#6 No Rest
One of the biggest contributors to stress is not having rest. Whether that means not getting enough sleep or not having enough down time, no rest will eventually lead to serious stress. Again, our habit of no rest can come from many of the other risk factors: high expectations, comparisons, fear, and no limits. Glitches and challenges that would normally be easily managed can become crises if we aren’t getting the rest we need. This, of course, applies to our kids too.
True confession time. While I have generally been getting eight hours of sleep a night, I have been expecting myself to work evenings and Sundays in addition to my usual six full days a week. This is important, so please hear me on this. Even if I don’t work evenings and Sundays but I expect myself to, I will experience stress. I never have guilt-free down time then. A mixture of working, kid and family activities, and guilt over not working have led to my having no rest and a very high stress level.
To manage the effects of no-rest stress, I am calling it a day guilt-free at dinner time and I am going back to my habit of not working on Sundays. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have to be a taxi service to kids in the evening or that we won’t have a commitment on Sundays. But I will no longer have the unreasonable expectation that I will be working at those times. I took last Sunday off and stayed off social media. I felt like I had been to a spa! I talked to my husband about how great I felt and he said, “You need to talk about this on your podcast.” So here I am.
When we have reasonable expectations, stop comparing, complaining, and fearing, and when we institute limits and rest into our lives, we and our families can manage stress.
Which of these six causes of stress has been the biggest problem for you? Comment and let me know.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
