I hear from many parents who have a child who antagonizes siblings, rebels against them, or otherwise makes life difficult. I have six strategies for turning your troublemaker into a terrific child.
The first strategy and perhaps the most important strategy is to look for the child’s positive traits and praise them. Often I hear from exasperated parents who tell me that finding something positive is very, very difficult. I used to hear the same thing from teachers who dealt with difficult students in the classroom. So much of the parent’s or teacher’s time and attention is focused on dealing with problem behavior that it’s hard to see anything positive that is happening. So in order to find the positives, we may have to shorten the time frame. Here is what I mean. For example, perhaps every trip to the grocery store involves a child having a tantrum over something. If your standard for positive behavior is no tantrum at the grocery store, you’re both likely to be frustrated. Instead, look for your child’s good behavior in the first few minutes in the store and praise it.
One problem I see with many parents who have a more perfection-driven personality is that parents are afraid that praising small behaviors will convince the child that there is nothing that needs to be changed. This is simply not the case. As long as you are praising truly positive behavior or attitudes, your child will be motivated to repeat them.
#2 Assign new labels publicly
The second strategy for dealing with a troublemaker is to assign new labels publicly. You don’t want to call your child the troublemaker. The only reason I am using that word here is because it communicates effectively the type of child that we are discussing. If you call your child a drama queen, a terror, or any other negative label, your child will seek to live up to the label. We are all very vulnerable to how we are described by others, but children are especially so. We might label a child in anger or frustration, not really meaning it, but our kids are likely to take on the label. To counteract that, we need to give our kids positive labels, especially in front of other people. So tell your child you’re so thankful he is responsible while you’re having people over. Compliment your child’s persistence in front of friends.
One of our family traditions is on a child’s birthday, the entire family takes turns saying what they love about the birthday boy or girl. This is a way of assigning new, positive labels. I highly recommend it. Assigning new labels works hand-in-hand with looking for positives to praise.
#3 Use positive coaching
Next, you will want to use positive coaching. Before a situation in which your child has a history of behaving badly, tell your child you are confident that she can behave admirably in the situation. Remember to use those small steps in your coaching, too. So tell your child that you know she can walk quietly with you into the grocery store’s produce section. I would follow that up with other evidence you have seen of positive behavior traits. You might say, “You are such a good helper. I know you will do a great job of helping me pick out fruit that has just the right amount of ripeness.” Express your belief in your child’s positive traits and your child will believe it too.
#4 Exercise trust with responsibility
The next step in turning a troublemaker into a terrific kid is to exercise trust with responsibility for that child. After you’ve begun regularly looking for positives in the child and praising him, when you have assigned new labels, and you have begun using positive coaching for difficult situations, you are now ready to put your trust in your child.
Here is what I mean. If you have a child who has had a habit of causing squabbles with siblings, put that child in charge of making sure the kids are behaving while playing a game. Give specific guidelines about what the rules are and allow your child to supervise. If you give that responsibility publicly and then leave the kids to their playtime, you have given your child a new label, you’ve done positive coaching, and now you’ve put real responsibility on your child to behave in an appropriate way. The child can’t claim that you were playing favorites or you weren’t being fair because you have put your child in charge. Give your child the opportunity to exercise self-control and prove that she is capable of making good choices, and your child is likely to surprise you both.
#5 Use rewards rather than punishments
Sometimes when you have a child who consistently breaks rules and gets into trouble, a parent’s natural tendency is to want to increase punishments. The thinking is that we will finally come upon a punishment that will be so negative that the child will stop the misbehavior. I have no problem with using negative consequences for misbehavior. In fact, I think it’s required for good parenting.
However, when you have a child who has gotten into a cycle of misbehaving and being punished evermore for each incident, you have to do something to break the cycle. In this type of situation, I recommend using rewards rather than punishment. So when your child does well in the situation that you have coached her for, or when your child has risen up to the responsibility that you have assigned to him, give that child a meaningful reward. If you aren’t sure what kind of reward to use, I suggest you read Motivational Mistakes Many Parents Make. Reward your child for good behavior and at least for the time being, drop punishments. Remember that not earning a reward is a punishment too.
#6 Study positive role models
Finally, if you have a troublemaking child in your family, I recommend that you study positive role models as a family. In no way should you call the child out for being a troublemaker, but instead attention should be drawn to the fact that each of us is a sinner and capable of behavior that displeases God.
My favorite strategy for this is to read books about difficult people who change. In the Bible, we have the apostle Paul. It’s hard to be worse in your behavior than the apostle Paul who was murdering Christians. I do recommend that you read that account and discuss how not one of us is a good person apart from Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit indwelling us. The next book that I love on this topic is the biography of George Mueller by Youth With a Mission. George was a real stinker. Yet he became a great and generous man. Augustine, the Farmer’s Boy of Tagaste is another great true story of a troublemaker who changed. We want to communicate to our kids that we are not putting our hope in them because then we would have no hope at all. Instead, we are putting our hope into the Lord, who is the only one who can change hearts.
You can turn a troublemaker into a terrific kid by looking for the positives in praising your child. If your child responds to physical touch, give your child a pat on the back or a hug when you do this. Next, you want to assign new labels publicly. Praise your child’s positive traits in front of siblings, other family members, and even friends. You want to use positive coaching with your child. Talk about the tempting situation and your confidence that your child can manage himself well. Pray with your child for the Lord’s help, but pray a believing prayer. Next, you’re going to want to exercise trust in your child by assigning responsibility. Give your child the chance to show you that she can manage her behavior well in a previously difficult situation. You are going to want to emphasize rewards to motivate good behavior rather than punishments. You want to break the vicious cycle of a child believing that he can’t do anything right. And finally, you want to study positive role models as a family. Look in the Bible and consider YWAM biographies, many of which talk about a true transformation of a troublemaker to a terrific person.
Let me know in the comments which of these strategies you’re going to try first.
Are you struggling to motivate your homeschooler? If so, you may be making one of these key motivational mistakes. Correct them and get the motivated student you want.
The first mistake many parents make when thinking about motivation is that they shouldn’t have to use rewards to motivate good behavior. I frequently have a parent raise this concern with me when I am speaking at conventions. The idea is our children should just behave well without any special incentive. Kids should just do their chores, their schoolwork, and follow the rules out of the goodness of their hearts.
First of all, let me say that I believe in this ideal as well. I just accept that it will not occur while we are still in the flesh and living on this earth. Before I go any further with my explanation for why we must use rewards to teach good behavior, allow me to offer this disclaimer. There are a certain number of expectations we can have of our kids that can be trained without offering any reward other than thanks and praise. For example, I have never offered my children any type of word for putting their dishes into the dishwasher. This is just behavior that is expected in our family. My kids also have responsibilities like helping me unload and putting away groceries that they don’t receive any rewards for. But the longer the list of expected behaviors that will not receive an outside reward, the more likely you’re going to have a child who resists.
“The longer the list of expected behaviors that will not receive an outside reward, the more likely you’re going to have a child who resists.”
Parents who come to hear me teach on motivating their kids typically have a child who is resisting a desired behavior. In that case, it is the equivalent of beating our heads against the wall to insist that the child should change without any incentive. Again, that would be lovely. But if you have not been successful in changing the child’s behavior without rewards, in my opinion, it is time to use them. Here’s why.
Every behavior, especially those that we do repeatedly, is being rewarded. You might not see the rewards, but they are there. Why do you do the things that you habitually do? There is a reward in there somewhere. It might be as simple as having peace of mind for tracking your child’s work. You don’t have to have any anxiety about your records being reviewed if you’re tracking. If you constantly find yourself spending more time on social media than you planned, you can be sure you are being rewarded for your time. You’re receiving compliments, likes, or laughs. Children are no different. As normal human beings, our kids will pursue activities that are rewarding. God designed us to seek rewards.
We have to use rewards to train behaviors that have not developed naturally. So as part of your family routine, if you still have a child who is not making his bed, getting his math done, or playing nicely with his sister, these are the kinds of behaviors we can use rewards to train. That does not mean that we have to use rewards forever. Eventually the natural rewards of the behavior will take root. In the best case, good habits will form and no rewards will be required.
Using rewards also does not mean that you cannot address a child’s heart. We always want to be memorizing Scripture having to do with service and selflessness. We want to read stories about people who have modeled those characteristics. We want to encourage one another to honor God and others with our behavior. But that heart training does not preclude the use of rewards. I hope I have made a good case for using rewards to shape behavior that thus far has not been developed.
Mistake #2: Not using money as a reward
The second mistake many parents make is not using money as a reward. Not every child is motivated by money, but many, many of them are. Some of the same parents who frown upon using rewards to train good behavior also look down on money as a reward, as though it’s an unethical approach. I want to clarify before I continue that money is not the root of all evil. The love of money is the root of all evil. We are not leading kids to evil by giving them money and using money as a motivator. In fact, money is very useful in the kingdom of God. God uses money to accomplish his purposes.
The issue of the the goodness of money put aside, using money as a reward becomes an amazing opportunity to teach kids to manage money well. Children who do not have money of their own are likely to struggle when they are out of our homes and having to make financial decisions.
I have felt fortunate that all of my children are very motivated by money. Here is how I have used money as a motivator in our home. I have included money as a list of potential rewards that I use in my random iPhone app. It is one of the potential rewards that my kids can choose when I catch them doing something above and beyond what is expected. Most often my kids will choose the money.
I have managed my kids’ money digitally because I have six of them. I would need as much cash as a bank to manage it with paper. Cash can also be lost or stolen. I have used apps that have automatically added a child’s allowance to their account on my phone and automatically removes their tithes. The app also allowed me to use a fine as a consequence for misbehavior and my kids could see me deduct the money from their accounts. Invariably they would become very very upset about this, which is exactly what you want them to experience. I have noticed in paying my kids for work or as a reward for good behavior that they have developed frugal spending habits. All of my kids seem to be interested in conserving the funds that they have. That includes my son, who has a career and his own place. Consider these apps for managing your kids’ money from your phone.
I have heard some money experts say that you never give your kids money for chores. I’m not really sure what the rationale is for that except they want kids to know that doing chores is just a part of being a member of the family. I do agree that chores are an expected part of being a member of your family, but I don’t see that paying your child for completing them will interfere with that idea. I gave my kids and allowance that was not connected to specific chores. But I don’t see anything wrong with paying for individual chores, especially if you are having trouble getting kids to do those particular chores without your constant supervision. Our family has chosen to give payments for mowing the lawn as separate from the weekly allowance. Just a side note that we stop giving an allowance as soon as kids are old enough to do the lawn mowing or have another job like babysitting.
Mistake #3: Using motivators that work for you and not your child
So far we’ve covered that you should be willing to use rewards to train good behavior and if your child is interested in money as a reward, you should be willing to use it. There are some great benefits of that. And that leads me to mistake number three that parents make in trying to motivate their kids. That mistake is using motivators that work for you and not for your child.
Let me give you some personal examples. My husband is very motivated by the desire to appear to be a hard-working and fit person. He would be getting to the gym as soon as someone suggested that he had been slacking off on his workouts, for example. He has sometimes made the mistake of thinking that our kids are motivated in that same way. They’re not. Well, maybe some of them are. I am motivated by praise. If you tell me how amazing I am when I do something for you, I am likely to work even harder on your behalf. But I have kids who are not motivated by other people’s praise, including mine.
Instead of treating your children like they are you, you need to do some detective work to determine what motivates your kids. I will give you a couple of ideas to get you started. First, pay attention to what your child asks for. If your child is always asking for more game time, a certain snack, or to have a sleepover, then you have a built-in motivator. Next, what does your child spend a lot of time doing? Do you have a child who loves Legos? Then Lego kits might be a fantastic motivator. And finally, what is your child really good at? We are motivated to do things that we feel very competent at. When other people praise something in your child and it’s just enjoyable for other reasons, and this is a potential motivator.
Motivation Mistake #4: Not depriving the child of the motivator
Once you have a potential motivator, you are at risk of motivational mistake number four. That is, not depriving your child of that motivator. If your child has thousands of dollars in the bank and you never require your child to pay for any of his own things, like snacks when you’re out or movie tickets or things like that, why would your child be motivated to earn more money? Only when your child experiences a relative deprivation of the desired reward will your child be willing to work for it. This just makes sense. If you try to use candy to reward a child who is stuffed, you won’t be surprised when the child says no, thank you. Depriving your child of a motivator means she doesn’t get unlimited access to the motivator and gets extra access when the desired behavior has been completed.
The problem with deprivation is most kids who haven’t been deprived will whine and pitch fits to try to get you to relent. Here’s what I mean. Perhaps you decide you’re going to use screen time as a reward. If the reality is that your child gets to have screen time all the time because you are not setting limits and cutting off the screen time like you you said you were going to, there is no reason for your child to work for extra screen time. When you do set limits and say no screen time until your chores are done, and you’re not willing to put up with the whining that your child is likely to do, you will not be able to motivate your child. This is the number one reason training of new behavior fails. Many parents will say nothing works, nothing motivates this child, when the real problem is there has been no deprivation or there’s been an unwillingness of the parents to stand their ground in the face of fits.
Motivational Mistake #5: Not consistently rewarding the behavior at the beginning of training
The fifth mistake that parents who are seeking to motivate their kids make is not consistently rewarding the behavior at the beginning. So you are going to give your child game time and you have the Wi-Fi turned off, for example, and Junior has just finished his math homework. He comes to you and he wants you to turn the Wi-Fi back on. Well, you are in the middle of a phone call or you are cleaning out the refrigerator and you don’t want to be bothered with that. If you don’t very, very quickly reward the positive behavior as soon as possible after it is completed, and if you do that consistently where you’re not rewarding right away at the beginning of training, you won’t get the results you want. When your child is learning and developing a new behavior, they need to know they will be rewarded when it’s completed. And this just makes sense. You would not keep working for a company that delayed paying you when you were first working for them. It is very important at the beginning of training to stop what you’re doing and deliver the reward right away.
Motivational Mistake #6: Not making sure the desired behavior has been done
The sixth motivational mistake parents make is not making sure that the behavior has been done. So let’s go back to the example of you cleaning out the refrigerator when Junior says he has his math done. You correctly turn the Wi-Fi on right away for him, but if you didn’t make sure that the math was actually done and done with integrity, you will not be training the behavior that you want to train. Instead, Junior will realize that he can pull one over on you anytime he wants. So if we truly want to train good behavior in our kids, we have to take the time to make sure that our desired behavior has been done and done to our standards. Likewise, if your daughter says the bathroom is clean and you just take her word for it and you give her the reward, you are going to be very unhappy and you’re not going to have a well trained daughter when it comes to cleaning the bathroom.
Conclusion
To summarize how you can avoid these motivational mistakes:
Make the decision that you are going to use rewards to train good behavior in your children when they aren’t naturally occurring.
Be willing to use money as a motivator if your child responds well to it.
Next, look for motivators that work for your child and not necessarily for you. That would include things that he asked for, things that she consistently does, and things that your child is good at.
Be committed to depriving your child of the motivator to an extent that your child is eager to perform the behavior and get the reward. That means that you’re willing to put up with whining and fits for as long as it takes to train the behavior.
Be willing also to consistently reward the new behavior right away at the beginning of training. Drop what you’re doing and provide the reward…
But not before you have made sure that the behavior has been done to your standards.
You do not have to make these common mistakes in motivating your child. You’ll not only be improving your life by training your child in this way, but you’ll be improving your child’s life. Kids who have been trained well will go on to have much more rewarding lives as adults.
If your child spends more time than you would like playing video games, you’re wise to search for alternatives that will captivate them. Even if you’re not worried about the amount of time spent playing, you do want your child to be exposed to a variety of activities.
When my oldest child was two, he loved playing games on the computer. I chose quality games for him to play and I didn’t have concerns about his screen time. That was a long time ago. Now I have a child with ADD who loses time playing and chooses games over most other activities. This is worrisome. I read about a young man who didn’t come out of his cabin on a cruise ship because he was playing games the whole time. I have read about college students who have failed and young men who have no interest in getting married because all of their time is spent on gaming. This isn’t typical, but even if my son has half of these problems, it’s a concern.
Video Game Addiction
Video game addiction isn’t yet considered a mental disorder, but the behavior patterns have been observed and studied to some extent. True gaming addiction, which is fairly rare at a rate of just 1%, isn’t outgrown. Boys are particularly at risk as are impulsive kids like those with ADHD. The most remarkable data that has come from research studies to date is that kids with poor social skills are most likely to have a gaming problem. Gaming provides an outlet when other social activities are uncomfortable. Sadly, lonely kids tend to game too much and time spent gaming increases the sense of loneliness. Gaming addiction, like other forms of addiction, is also typically a response to life stress or at least suggests poor coping skills.
Your child doesn’t have to be addicted to video games to suffer negative consequences. Interestingly enough, taking games away or enforcing time limits with older gaming addicts doesn’t seem to help.
Teach Your Child Social Skills
The first step in helping a child who games too much is to help him develop social skills. I found an amazing free resource called 101 Ways to Teach Children Social Skills. It includes activities and printables that are appropriate for a wide age range. Some social skills are learned automatically; others aren’t. We have to be intentional about teaching these skills to our kids to fully equip them for life. Include one skill a day in your homeschool. That’s my plan. It’s crucial to understand your child’s personality as you teach. Introverted children aren’t abnormal. They just need time away from people to recharge. I recommend reading Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer. Explain your child’s personality to him, especially if he’s an introvert. Many children mistakenly assume there is something wrong with them if they aren’t the extroverted American ideal.
After addressing social skills, what are some alternatives to video games?
Getting your child involved in sports is a great alternative. Social skills are enhanced and friendships are created. Sports also take up time in a healthy activity that cannot be spent on gaming. Sports can give your child the adrenaline charge he looks for from gaming — both from the activity and the competition. My son is already involved in a sport, but doesn’t spend much time doing it. If that’s your child, consider adding another practice, another team, or playing the sport as a family. The latter is my choice. We plan to spend more time playing tennis with my son now that it’s getting warmer outside.
Perhaps your child doesn’t care for or doesn’t have the skill he needs for traditional sports. There are so many options to consider: bowling, archery, fencing, and more. Contract with your child to keep trying different sports until something clicks.
A second alternative is to find a different group activity that is not sports-related. Preferably, there would be a competitive component to the activity and it would require time for your child to participate. A robotics team is a perfect option for kids who are engineering-minded. Competitive speech and debate are excellent for kids with strong verbal skills. Getting involved in theater productions is perfect for musical or artistic kids, even if they have no desire to act. All of these activities are excellent at helping children build relationships and they require a substantial time commitment. If your church has a good youth group, getting your child involved can make a difference. My kids have done volunteer work through their youth group and have developed leadership skills as well. Even when the group activities themselves are over, your child’s new friends may keep him busy with other social outings.
A third alternative is to enroll your child in outside classes that are not online. If your student is concerned about grades, any class will do as this will keep your child busy and learning social skills. A better situation, however, is for your student to take a class with peers. This arrangement allows for the possibility of making new friends. The very best situation is for the class to be an interesting one. You could enroll your child in classes through a local co-op. Some homeschooling parents choose to enroll their child in school part-time for this reason. Dual-enrollment classes are good for demanding a lot of your students’ time. But the sky is the limit when it comes to outside classes. They come in every variety. Should you force your child to take a class? I think it’s okay to require enrollment in some kind of class. Kids with anxiety issues will reject the idea, but avoiding social anxiety will not make it better.
A fourth alternative is to give your child a job or help him secure one. Money is a wonderful motivator and the social skills that can develop when working in a group are invaluable. There are so many options here. You can pay your child to work for you which will use up a lot of time he might otherwise devote to gaming. You could help your child find an internship in a field that interests him. You could help him find a volunteer position that makes him feel needed. The pull of gaming won’t be nearly as strong if he knows people are counting on him. If he’s old enough, you can teach him interview skills and help him find good employment options for a young person. One of my sons loves working so much that we had to insist that he cut back his hours!
A fifth alternative is to play games socially. We own so many games and don’t play them nearly enough. Have a family game night where you play the board and sports games you have. We have a ping pong table and love playing with family and friends. If you have video games that are participatory, you can play these too. I love Wii bowling and Wheel of Fortune. Create a competition for friends. More than once I have created an Olympics that involves darts, ping pong, a video racing game and more. Families compete against each other for gift cards and have a blast. Gaming becomes less of an issue if it’s done socially. You’re modeling for your child how to use games in a healthy way.
A sixth alternative is to choose educational video games and activities. I’m more interested in activities because most educational video games will be viewed as less exciting than a favorite video game. Beware of this before you pay for an expensive online curriculum. A gamer child may like the platform less than a non-gamer. I have a list of websites that include games that teach grammar, for example. One study suggests that the more competitive the game, the more likely kids are to master material. I really like engaging gamers with technical activities. This could be a course online that teaches robotics, coding, or videography. Again, the better option is to have the course be social. Have your child do the course with a sibling or friend. My gamer son prefers classes we do in our home-based co-op to courses he has to complete himself. Techie Homeschool Mom shares tech educational options and offers online unit studies that your gamers may enjoy.
I’ve barely scratched the surface of video game alternatives. I did some research to create a list of 50 alternatives to video games. I can’t wait to go over the ideas with my son. When you subscribe to the Sanity Savers newsletter, you’ll receive this list.
If you want help finding the best video game alternatives for your child, talk to other homeschoolers. Ask people in your local co-op about sports, activities, and classes. Ask online homeschool groups like HomeschoolScopes.tv about their favorite board games and tech courses. I have a plan for how to address my son’s gaming using these alternatives and I’m hopeful. I hope you are, too.
Which alternatives will you choose for your child first? Let’s chat about it on Facebook.
When I answered a parent’s question about low frustration tolerance, I realized I had a lot to say on the subject. First, I want to define the problem and then I want to share six tips for teaching your child.
When we are discussing low frustration tolerance, we aren’t talking about a child who easily gets quiet when challenged, are we? If a child withdraws to his room to read because he’s frustrated with the first few math problems he’s presented with, his mother is unlikely to complain. Low frustration tolerance means that a child gets frustrated easily. What most parents struggle with isn’t low tolerance, but poor frustration management. They generally aren’t concerned about when a child gets frustrated as much as they are with how they deal with it. I will be discussing how to help a child who yells, cries, or acts out when frustrated.
#1 Observe the situations that lead to frustration
Be an investigator rather than a mommy. We tend to feel helpless when our child tantrums. Our helplessness can lead to our own poor frustration management. We’re anxious about our child’s behavior and our inability to manage it. This is a problem. Children who have poor self-control have to know that you aren’t freaked out by their behavior. If they don’t have control, they want to know that you do. If you have to fake a sense of control, do it. Your anxiety is fuel on the fire of your child’s fit. Stay calm and rather than fretting, take note of what is happening.
By take note, I’m less interested in you observing her screaming, kicking, or crying. I’m more interested in your observation of what led to this behavior. Observe:
Sleep: did your child get enough sleep? My 3-year-old had a tantrum when we were in Disney World. That was not his typical behavior and was directly related to his not getting a nap. Take note of how your child responds to sleep deprivation.
Nutrition: How long has it been since your child ate? Could this be low blood sugar? I often see my husband being irritable when he’s hungry. Conversely, has your child had a lot of sugar? You may want to take note of any unusual foods eaten as well.
Change of routine: Did you do anything out of the ordinary in your schedule? For example, did you say no to something your child typically gets to enjoy? Have you just returned from vacation?
Interruption of fun: Did you demand that your child stop a fun activity or leave somewhere without giving adequate warning?
Too much input: Was your child around too many people, too much noise, or too many options?
Did someone or something keep your child from getting what he wants? Perhaps a younger sibling destroyed a Lego creation. Does your child have a physical or learning disability that makes achieving difficult? Did other children keep your child from playing?
This kind of observation can’t be done in a day. Keep good notes and you’ll likely discover a pattern to your child’s frustration. This is valuable information.
#2 Use your observations to avoid provoking frustration
We all get frustrated at times. We can’t avoid it completely, but we can certainly avoid provoking it unnecessarily. Let’s talk about being proactive in each of these areas.
Sleep: If your child is reactive to sleep deprivation, make regular bed and naptimes a priority. The fun of staying out late one night probably isn’t worth a hysterical child in your co-op the next day.
Nutrition: If your child reacts to low blood sugar, carry snacks with you and make sure your child has eaten before high-stress situations. If your child can’t handle a certain food or drink, look for an alternative that your child will enjoy.
Change of routine: Allow plenty of ease-in time when you are coming off a break. Don’t return to a full schedule immediately when your child doesn’t manage it well. Avoid unnecessary changes in routine and talk to your child about the necessary ones. Explain the change and give your child some choice in the change if at all possible. For example, if your preschooler is used to watching educational TV at a certain time and you know you won’t be home, explain that you will record the show and that she will be able to watch when you get home or after dinner — her choice.
Interruption of fun: Give your child more than one warning before ending the fun. Saying that you’ll be leaving a friend’s in 30 minutes and then 10 will help your child adjust.
Too much input: Avoid these situations for now. If they’re unavoidable, try to minimize them. For example, if you’re at a fun center, suggest that you spend time with your child in one area. Definitely avoid these situations if your child is already at risk for frustration. You don’t want to take a sleep-deprived, low-blood sugar child to an arcade.
Not getting what he wants: Make sure you address any physical concerns with your pediatrician. Difficulty seeing or hearing is frustrating. If frustration seems limited to certain subjects or skills, consider testing for learning disabilities. Many older children are relieved to know why certain work is so hard for them. If another child is interfering with your child’s fun, ask the parent to intervene or nicely intervene if the parent isn’t available. It’s very frustrating for a child not to have an advocate. If a specific social circle isn’t friendly, find a new one or join in the play with the kids to help your child fit in. You can imagine that I’ve barely scratched the surface of the kinds of things that can keep your child from getting what she wants.
#3 Prepare your child to encounter frustration
Once you’ve observed the situations that cause frustration and you’ve taken steps to avoid them, you’re ready to prepare a child to deal with the frustrations that are part of life. If you know your child is likely to be frustrated, tell him so. For example, “We are going to be playing at Joey’s house today and you know his little brother likes to play, too. One thing that might keep him from bothering you is to play with him first. He just wants to be included. After that, maybe you and Joey can play in Joey’s room and we’ll play with his brother. If he is bothering you, though, tell us right away, okay?”
Everyone copes better with challenging situations when they know what to expect. Be honest about the difficulties; don’t say things like, “It will be fine.” Rather, specifically state the kinds of things that may lead to frustration. Then affirm your belief in your child’s ability to cope. That leads me to step #4.
#4 Teach your child the signs of frustration
We expect our children to just know some things when they must be specifically taught. Most children who struggle with frustration management didn’t see the signs before their behavior was already out of control. The best way to do this is to talk about the physical signs you experience. These are some of my signs that may or may not apply to you. My shoulders get tense. I may hold them up closer to my ears and they feel tight and even sore. I may be frowning so much that I have a headache. My stomach may feel tight, too. As I get more frustrated, I start handling things roughly. I may pound the mouse on my desk or press hard with my pen.
Talk about the thinking signs of frustration that you experience. See if your child has these. I may think, “I can’t do it!”; “It’s not working”; “This is taking forever!”; “They’re driving me crazy!”.
Talk about the verbal signs of frustration and see if your child relates. I might raise my voice. I might ask people to leave me alone. I might tell people to be quiet. I may say, “Never mind!” or “You don’t understand.”
It’s a good idea to write down the specific signs of frustration your child has.
#5 Teach your child how to manage frustration
The best time to teach your child these skills is when he is not frustrated. He should be well rested and ready to learn.
Have your child imagine that she is starting to get frustrated. Use one of the situations you know is a trigger. She should close her eyes and picture it. She should notice the physical signs of frustration she would be likely to feel. Then have your child take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Have your child raise her shoulders to her ears and make the muscles as tight as possible, holding them there for several seconds. Then have her quickly drop her shoulders and let her arms hang like noodles at her side. Take another slow, deep breath in. Do the same thing with her forehead muscles. Have her lift her eyebrows toward her scalp and hold them there, making the forehead muscles tight. Then quickly drop the eyebrows. Take another slow, deep breath in.
Then ask your child for smart ways to manage frustration. Ask what she thinks of the following ideas if she doesn’t suggest them: taking a break; asking for help; praying; going outside.
Suggest new ways of thinking about the frustrating situation: “I can get help”; “I can do it with practice”; “It will be easier to do if I take a break”; “I can calm down if I walk away.”
Suggest new ways of verbalizing the frustration: “I can’t get this to work”; “I’m feeling frustrated”; “Can you help me?”; “Will you pray for me?”; “I need to be by myself for a while”; “I need a break.”
It may be frustrating for you to know that this training is going to require a lot of time. That leads me to step #6.
#6 Continue coaching your child in frustration management
When you notice the signs of frustration in your child (and you should be getting better at noticing them), you can intervene by noting your observations. Consider creating a stoplight sign. You would just put red, yellow, and green paper circles on a black piece of construction paper. Explain what you’re seeing and that it looks like your child is at a yellow level of frustration. Ask what your child needs to do to return to the green level. If your child is struggling, make a suggestion. You could suggest taking a deep breath, for example.
Another way to help your child notice the signs is to say what you’re seeing. “It looks like you’re having trouble getting this toy to work.” This is more helpful than saying, “You’re getting frustrated.” If you want to help, always get permission. Your child may be frustrated specifically because he wants to do it himself. If you fix it for him without permission, you’re likely to provoke a tantrum. Instead, ask, “Do you want me to help by holding this piece for you?” If the answer is no, you can continue to suggest options. “Do you think taking a break and coming back to it might help?” Do not take something away from the child in this situation. That will provoke him for sure. Always give your child the choice, unless there is danger involved.
I had a mother ask if she should allow her child to do what she wants or to set limits even if she knows it will provoke a tantrum. First, I recommend you listen to the episode on the #1 question homeschoolers ask me. Then your choice to do something that you know will frustrate your child depends on you. I’m not suggesting that we avoid ever making our children unhappy. That would be very poor parenting. But if you are highly stressed, haven’t had enough sleep, etc. and pulling your child off her favorite game means she will pitch a fit, I am all for avoiding a confrontation. However, this choice of giving in to your child cannot become a pattern. Children have to learn to manage frustration in order to survive and thrive.
You can succeed in teaching your child to manage frustration. Start by observing what provokes frustration. What have you noticed? Let’s chat about it on Facebook.
I’m so excited about the beautiful weather we are having lately. I want to get outside and do fun educational things with the kids. Here are 6 great outdoor activities for you to consider.
#1 Tennis
I’ve written about what a great family activity this is, but I wanted to mention it again. Go to your local park’s or schools’ courts and have fun. Pick up racquets at a garage sale or buy used from a local club. We have also gotten private lessons for our family outdoors at a very reasonable cost. You can count it as P.E. hours!
#2 Four Square
After tennis, this is my favorite outdoor game to play with the kids. Here are the official rules. We use sidewalk chalk on our driveway. Once again, P.E. hours. 🙂
#3 Hiking
We love to hike any time it isn’t really cold. Spring is a perfect time to hike before it gets really hot. Fortunately, there are a number of great hiking trails near where we live. It’s great exercise and so inspiring to be in God’s creation. You can study wildlife and plants on the way and count it science. Even better, do some drawings of what you find and count it as art, too.
#4 Gardening
Anyone who knows me well knows that I don’t garden. But I want my kids to have the experience of planting and caring for plants with the hope they will inherit their dad’s green thumb. This is a great time to teach the kids about plants and yes, counting it as science.
#5 Birding
I took an ornithology class in college because I absolutely love birds. We enjoy watching the birds at our feeder all year, but we have an opportunity to see more species when we venture out. One thing I learned is that cemeteries are excellent places to look for birds. Bring your bird book or app. Look at old headstones or the grave sites of famous people in your area and you’ll get history time in, too.
#6 Reading
Whether you are reading to your children or everyone is reading independently, spring is a great time to take the books outside. Scholastic shares this list of read alouds for spring that would make good options. You can count this as language arts or any subject that you’re reading about.
There are more outdoor activities than I can list, so I want to direct you to the Homeschool Days Hop.
I have used just about every type of chore system imaginable and have blogged about them, too. I finally have a system that works with my 5-6 kids (depending on who is home) and has for a long time. You can get your checklist here, but first I want to explain why other systems haven’t worked for us.
The Problem With Chore Charts
They fall apart, literally. I used a huge pegboard with tags that was stuck to the side of my refrigerator with magnets when the kids were little and it kept getting knocked down, requiring an hour to reassemble it.
They require a lot of time to set up and maintain. I would love to have back all the time I’ve spent creating chore systems (both paper and digital) for my kids. I could probably have published a couple of books with that time. Seriously! The digital approaches also required me to log in and check that chores were done and verify rewards earned. I don’t have time for that as a busy homeschooling mother of many.
They resulted in squabbles. To simplify chores, I would have to assign the same chores to kids. Then the complaining would start. “Why do I always have to load the dishwasher?” You get the idea.
They weren’t flexible. If the child assigned to load the dishwasher wasn’t home, who was supposed to do it? See the problem above.
They usually don’t include the steps. With most chore charts, there isn’t a place for details about how the chore is to be done, resulting in a child claiming that they had cleaned a bathroom that most truck drivers wouldn’t walk into (no offense to truck drivers!). No matter how many times I’ve instructed the kids, they had severe memory loss when it came to the steps to take in completing chores.
The Solution to Chores for Kids
The solution, for my family anyway, has been to create a simple checklist in Word. There is a main list of chores (things like clearing the table and loading the dishwasher) that have to be done twice a day and a morning list of chores (things like unloading the dishwasher and cleaning bathrooms) that I’ve combined into one for use before we start chores in the morning. We repeat the main list of chores after dinner each night. Each chore has a detailed list of steps to take to complete it and a space for the name of the child who is assigned the chore for that chore period only. I put our customized checklist in a page protector and attach it to a clipboard. I then use my Random.org app on my phone to assign chores. I write the name of the child who is assigned that chore on the line underneath the chore in dry erase marker.
If one child isn’t home, I can assign a chore to another child, not assign a less important chore, or assign it to myself. It’s flexible and I love it! I tell the kids when I will check chores, usually setting a timer. I then take my clipboard and dry erase marker with me to review the chores. I sometimes take the kids with me for the review process and make them complete any steps they’ve missed. Other times, the child who failed to complete a step is given a fine that is discussed during our morning school time (my kids earn an allowance of 50 cents per year of age until they are earning money at a job or doing bigger chores like mowing). The kids REALLY hate getting fines.
Your Easy, Free Chores for Kids Checklist
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One of the hardest parts of setting up a chore system is determining what the chores should be. That’s where my chore checklist can help you. Start with the chores I’ve added to my list and edit them in Word or a compatible program. You may not have a separate playroom, for example. Just delete that chore. Replace any of the steps for chores that you need to, but my guess is a lot of these things will be the same.
Once you’ve edited it for your needs, just print it out, put it in a page protector and onto a clipboard, your household binder, or even put it on the refrigerator. Randomly assign the tasks. If you don’t want to use an app, roll a die! Set a timer and have them get to work. They can refer to the list until they’re done.
Then take the checklist with you to make sure everything is done. Hope this is as helpful for you as it is for me!
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
