This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of my dad and me. I look like I'm about two and he has that same patient, teaching look he always had with me.
My father's family was twice the size of mine, but unfortunately wasn't twice the fun. His father was an abusive alcoholic. Dad was sent to live with and work for an abusive uncle at the age of four. He quit school after the eighth grade to help support his family. At eighteen he was drafted and was sent to the German front lines in World War II. While there, his life was in constant jeopardy and he watched many of his friends die.
Dad came home to discover that his father had drunk up all the money he had sent home from the service. He eventually married twice and was left twice. When he married my mother and became a father to me in his early forties, he was ecstatic. I can't tell you that he was a perfect father. Years of trauma and mistreatment took its toll on my dad emotionally. But I can tell you that he wasn't an alcoholic, nor was he ever abusive to me. He told me he loved me and was proud of me all the time. He constantly made me laugh. He was one of the most humble men I've ever known. He taught me how to fish, fast pitch softball, and basic carpentry skills. He loved beating me in cribbage. When I was on my own, he bailed me out of several financial jams I got myself into and wrote me precious letters. In one letter he wrote, "I've been thinking of you all week, so I thought I'd better write."
My dad's parenting is a testimony of God's faithfulness in my life. He was the father I wish he had had.
And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children… (Luke 1:17)
Pictured from left to right: my grandmother, (help on who this is, Mom!), me, my grandfather, my mother, and my father
This photo was taken during my baby blessing (or dedication) and you might think that I am going to discuss how God began a lifetime of blessing me on this day. While that is most certainly true, that isn't the story behind this picture.
The real story began many years before I was born. My grandparents had three daughters and one son. My grandma encouraged me to space my babies five years apart like she did so that the older children would be in school when the baby arrived. I didn't exactly follow that advice! I would have been 53 when the last one was born and I didn't exactly send them to school (we homeschool if you're new to this blog).
My mom will have to help me edit this post because I am not sure if she was born when the accident occured or not. My grandparents' two older daughters (10 and 5) went sledding one winter day in Iowa. Their sled struck a parked car at the end of their ride and their five-year-old daughter sustained a fatal head injury as a result. My grandmother, who eventually lost her husband of almost fifty years, said that nothing was harder than losing a child. I can't imagine the pain of it.
My mother told me that prior to this tragic accident, her father was not a Christian. It's been said that trials will either drive us away from God or toward Him. In my grandfather's case, he wanted to be sure that he would see his beloved daughter again in heaven. He became a believer and eventually an elder in his church. If my grandfather had not come to faith, I wonder if I would have? Only God can work good from such terrible circumstances.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Several years ago, I was inspired by these verses to create a scrapbook of God’s faithfulness to me that I’m calling my Joshua Journal:
5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4)
I recently took stock of the huge number of scrapbooking projects I want to complete and reluctantly admitted that I will never be able to complete them all. So I asked myself which projects I would really regret not completing in my lifetime and this particular one was number two (my youngest’s baby book is #1! I just have to do the journaling :-). I want to have an 8×8 digital photobook that I can give to each of my children that is like the pile of stones in Joshua, testifying to the amazing things the Lord has done for me. I dream that they will read it to my grandchildren and maybe my great-grandchildren, too. I also want to have a copy in my purse that I can use in sharing with people I meet the reason for the hope that I have.
I realized that if I blog each story, I can not only share these testaments of God’s faithfulness with all of you, but it will motivate me to finish the book! If a particular story is meaningful to you or if I fall off the wagon and quit posting them before I announce that volume 1 is complete, will you please comment? Thank you so much! I would love it if I inspire you to do the same. Please link up to your own stories!
If you're struggling to get things done or to make significant changes in your life, it pays to consider whether you're at war with your inner rebel. Are you:
Giving your rebel too many rules? Are any of the rules extreme, seemingly stupid, or put in place to please others?
Asking your rebel to do something far too easy for her? Have you neglected to give her a big challenge, preferably with some competition thrown in?
Neglecting to give your rebel the opportunity to be unique or to lead others in the process of change? Are you inadvertently encouraging her to follow the sheep?
Disrespecting your rebel by putting her down? Are you asking her to follow the advice of someone who's a hypocrite or has few credentials (even if that's you)?
Heaping on the guilt, in an effort to motivate your rebel, for tasks that aren't vital to sustaining important relationships?
The truth is, however, that even after addressing all of these potential rebel stumbling blocks, you still may not have the change you want. I've been there! In those situations, it's time for a Super Power solution.
One of my favorite changed rebel stories is that of George Mueller. More than a rebel, he was a conniving thief! He attended a prayer meeting with a friend with the intention of making fun of it later at the bar. But hearing the Word of God brought him up short. He continued to attend those meetings until he felt compelled to submit his life to Jesus Christ. George's life changed radically. But one thing didn't change; George was still very strong-willed. He ended up becoming an example of what radical faith can do.
In the same way, your inner rebel is likely to keep her strong will. God can use that strength to do great things. But perhaps like George, you need to hear the Word of God and you need to bow the knee to Jesus Christ and His purposes for your life. That's my prayer for you.
Who is wise? Let them realize these things. Who is discerning? Let them understand. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.
Whereas brats rarely feel guilt, rebels are quite prone to it. After all, they aren't rebelling because they want to hurt people for the most part. They're rebelling because they feel they know best and refuse to be constrained by silly rules made by people they don't respect. A rebel will respond to the demands of someone on a power trip with intentional sloth. But give them someone truly in need and they will expend all their effort to help. Of course, the helpee is also much more likely to respect said rebel than the overbearing authority figure.
This is an issue to discuss with respect to getting things done because we intuitively know that guilt works to get our inner rebels moving. Their surprisingly tender hearts will often get them up and busy when nothing else will. The problem is we tend to abuse this strategy to the point that it backfires. Guilt is such a painful emotion for the rebel that if we heap it on, the rebel may just plug her ears and ignore us, even when the guilt is appropriate.
Here are some examples of the inappropiate use of guilt as a rebel motivating tool:
How can you stuff your face when there are millions of people who don't have enough to eat?
There are so many unemployed people right now who would kill to have your job and all you can do is whine about what you have to do
Think of all the infertile women who would love to have a child and all you can do is complain about how crazy yours are driving you
Instead, consider posing these guilt-free questions:
What need are you meeting with food that you could meet in more constructive ways?
Is there a way you could make your job more satisfying or are you ready to look for a new one?
When are your children easiest to be around and is there a way you could encourage that environment more often?
Guilt is effective with your inner rebel, but it should be used sparingly. Use it when your grandma is in the hospital and your rebel wants to finish watching all the episodes of her favorite TV show on Netflix before visiting her.
A good clue that you're using guilt to motivate is the word 'should' and its derivatives. What kinds of shoulds have you heaped on your inner rebel to no avail?
We might be able to get away with disrespecting a brat, because a brat only cares about herself. Rebel's are another story. Rebels, despite their desire to stand out from the crowd in occasionally annoying ways, demand respect from others. The less respect they get, the worse their behavior.
One particular show of disrespect that rebels hate is being ignored. When your inner rebel says something, it's best to pay attention because she will make herself heard, one way or another. When you agree to manage a project out of guilt or your desire to people please, listen to your rebel saying, "I'm not doing it." If you don't, you'll be scrambling to finish it at the last minute or worse, you'll lose face for not finishing it at all. Your rebel won't care if you lose face, but you probably will. When your rebel speaks, tell the person requesting help (even if it's you), "Let me look at my schedule and I'll get back to you." Then discuss the matter with your inner rebel. Another strategy that has worked well for me is to ask an outward rebel if the new project or new approach makes sense. If my rebel friend says, "Forget it!" I figure that's what my inner rebel is saying, too.
A second show of disrespect that revs up our rebels is character assasination. Rebels are practical, fearless, mavericks who will work like dogs on worthwhile tasks. If you tell her she's a lazy, good-for-nothing whom no one likes, you will live to regret it. Often we think this kind of tough talk motivates our rebels. It certainly does! But not in the way we want. Our inner rebels will go to extremes to prove that their approach is a good one, even when it isn't. Instead of putting yourself down for not doing what you think needs to be done, ask yourself if there is a good reason you're resisting. Often your rebel's approach is a lot healthier and balanced. If she says that you don't need to mop every night (because that's stupid), try mopping less often and see if your floor doesn't stay clean enough. If it does, give your rebel credit for talking sense to you.
A final way that disrespect operates to keep our rebels pitching fits is being unworthy of respect ourselves. Often we tell our rebels that we know better, and that Dr. So-and-So, and the Journal of Such-and-Such know better than they do. Hypocrisy, an unproven track record, or a snotty "expert" will not get your rebel to go along with you. Rebels abhor Martha Stewart even if you are crazy about her. They're more likely to love FLYLady because she's real (as long as they don't have to wear their shoes in the house). Instead of showing your rebel a picture of House Beautiful, have her watch Clean Sweep or talk to a true slob who has managed to keep things up well enough. Don't use a rich executive with a personal secretary to do her bidding as an example of what productivity looks like. Better to show her a home-based business owner who makes a decent living, but rarely takes time to dust.
The bottom line is, we have to talk to our rebels the way we talk to beloved friends, family, and co-workers who just happen to be different than we are. The truth is we can learn a lot from them!
What things have you agreed to do that your rebel (or a rebel friend) warned you that you shouldn't and she was right? What would you do differently if you gave your rebel the respect she deserves?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
