The first thing we are tempted to do when dealing with our inner brat is to give her some rules. Your brat procrastinated on that big project and you had to stay up all night getting it done? She hasn't taken advantage of that expensive gym membership even one time since January? She has been web surfing for hours while the laundry evolves into a leviathon?
You surmise that what your brat needs is some good old-fashioned discipline. From now on, she is going to be up at 5:45 a.m. so she can be at the gym first thing. She could have gotten away with working out three days a week if she had kept at it in January, but now that it's summer, she will be up and sweating every single day if it kills her. You don't care how tired she is after a long day of exercising, working, teaching, mothering, cooking, and housekeeping, she IS going to spend an hour working on long-term projects before she even touches the computer keyboard. And two loads of laundry must be washed, dried, folded, and put away each evening or she will not be able to read or watch TV. She'll learn, right?
The rebel that lives inside of each one of us revolts in response to rules. I have witnessed this time and time again in people I love who are more outer than inner rebels. Rules are quickly assessed as "stupid" and not applicable to them. As an outward rule follower myself, I marvel at their refusal to acquiesce, and deep down, respect them for it. Nine times out of ten they are absolutely right that the rule is wrong. If you listen closely, you will hear your inner rebel roar when you give them rules like:
Absolutely no fat, carbs, or sweets
Everything must be recorded and tagged in a to-do list
Every decent photo must be scrapbooked and journaled chronologically
Everything you eat must be weighed, measured, and recorded
Every goal must be written, shared, and broken down into mini steps
You must eat 9-11 servings of produce and drink 11 cups of water daily
You must adhere to the schedule laid out in 15-minute increments
Most people who struggle to make meaningful lasting change are dealing with an inner rebel who hates rules. Two case studies. The first is FLYLady. I wrote a Woman's Day article about her home organizing routines more than a decade ago. Although she was an immediate success, there were as many anti-FLYLady responders as there were fan girls. FLYLady's rule that women wear their shoes all day really raised a rebel ruckus. Groups of FLYLady adherents formed whose identity was simply that they refused to wear their shoes in the house.
A second case study. Mark Forster developed a system of task management that initially thrilled his rebel forum. Tasks could be accomplished simply by intuition, when they "felt ready to be done." The only problem was there were still a number of rules in the system. Immediately, the forum members objected to the rules and began proposing alternate rules. More than two years later, they are still at it.
If you are giving your rebel rules, your inner forum is revolting against you! So what are we to do? Don't we still need rules to get our rebel in line? Rules work better for rebels when:
There are few of them. That's why trying to crack down in multiple areas backfires.
There is a really good reason for the rules you have. A rebel will immediately ask, "Why should I?" You better be ready with an excellent answer!
The rules aren't merely to please people. People pleasing isn't what rebels do.
The rules aren't extreme. Rebels still believe in common sense.
The rules aren't based in fear. Rebels aren't afraid of much, especially consequences that "might, possibly" happen.
I will give you a personal example of the Rebel Rules Philosophy in action. I would like to cook healthier meals more often. So today I noted a weekly menu on AllRecipes.com that was for grilled meals, complete with shopping list. I read one review that raved about this menu and I added it to my shopping list. My kids and the cicadas outside were very noisy at the time, but I could hear my inner rebel pitching a fit. She was saying, "You're supposed to grill EVERY DAY for a week? Really? Your kids are going to eat grilled zucchini boats? Uh-huh. And you're going to make a grilled dessert every night? That is just stupid!"
So rather than do what I would normally do and buy everything I need for the grilled weekly menu, only to let the stuff spoil because I don't cook it, and then wonder why I am so lazy, I listened to my rebel. I might grill once or twice this week instead.
What kinds of rules have you given your rebels that have been resisted? Are there any rules you've laid down that have lasted?
I’m a psychologist, and as such, I try to present myself as being mentally healthy. That facade will be put to rest today.
There are only two things that make me anxious and I experienced them both together as I traveled home from a speech tournament with my oldest son yesterday.
The first thing that gets my OCD juices flowing is public restrooms. I really, really hate using them. It isn’t so much that I am afraid that I will pick up germs from someone as it is that I’m grossed out thinking about who has been in there before me and what they’ve been doing. I am not going to try to justify my abnormality. I tell you this only to explain the events of the day.
As I boarded the plane, I was feeling the call of nature mildly. I have an exceptionally big and strong bladder from years of avoiding using public restrooms. I figured I could certainly make it until the plane landed, at which point I would be forced to use a public restroom at the next airport. Later is always better when you’re anxious.
I smartly refused all beverages on the plane, but it was too late for my bladder because I had had a coffee drink before boarding. I debated with myself for a good hour about whether or not I could survive more than a three-hour flight without using the restroom. The stakes were high. Literally. While I have a distate for public restrooms, I have an all-out aversion for airline bathrooms. I believe in all my 43 years, I have used one once. The experience imprinted upon me the necessity of avoiding a repeat performance.
Anyone who shares my disgust for public toilets does not need me to explain why I was flipping out at the prospect of having to use the bathroom on the plane. But for the rest of you, I will give details.
Men are using the same restroom
It’s the size of a casket
The flush is a massive suction effect that threatens to take you with it
Poor ventilation
Impossible to hover
No bathroom attendant keeping things neat
The other horrors I got to experience firsthand. As I saw over an hour left in the flight, I knew that the misery of holding it had surpassed the misery of the airplane toilet experience. I got up and started making my way to the back. Right then the man sitting behind me decided he would go too. Wonderful. He was in front of me. Standing up made me realize that I really, really had to go.
The toilets were both occupied. For. a. long. time. The only thing that made it better was that the man who was going to use the toilet before me looked just as uptight as I felt. Finally one opened up and he entered. Meanwhile, a sizable line formed behind me. Another bladder age passed and I was finally able to get in there. That’s when my second source of anxiety kicked in: turbulence.
I hate turbulence. It brings to mind all those horrifying airplane crashes I’ve experienced with Tom Hanks, the cast of Lost, and others. The worst turbulence I had experienced personally was a dramatic loss of altitude after flying out of Philadelphia immediately post-9/11. People were screaming. My anxiety level was a 12 on a 1-10 scale.
In that frame of mind, I locked the door and felt like I was in an outhouse connected to the back of a speed boat. The ride was so bumpy that I was doing well to stand up at all. There wasn’t any way I could even get my pants down. It wasn’t long, however, before I realized that I better get busy or the anxiety would finish the job for me, toilet or no.
I’ve already mentioned that you can’t hover in an airplane restroom. I was hopeful that I could at least put toilet paper on the seat. As I tried in vain to get the paper to stick, my third fear kicked in. I wondered what on earth the poor full-bladdered souls in line were thinking of me. As the plane continued to bounce through the air, I realized that any germs I would get on my hiney couldn’t kill me because the plane crash would get me first. I sat down, did my business, cleaned up, and made my way back to my seat, physically and emotionally relieved.
I was actually kind of proud of myself for overcoming my fear. (Pathetic, I know, as I was forced into it). The turbulence calmed down and in no time at all, we prepared to land. That’s when the pilot came on the intercom and announced that there was “weather” at the airport and that we would be in a holding pattern.
Fear number four kicked in: tornadoes. Our airport was recently damaged in a tornado. I wondered how terrifying it must have been for the passengers who were on planes as those storms went through. I reassured myself that we were safe and sound in a holding pattern. Until the turbulence kicked in again.
I called to mind all my psychology tricks to get me through the next 30 minutes of turbulence and announcements that we still couldn’t land because of “weather.” I wondered if this was akin to calling cancer a “health matter.” I praised God from A to Z, imagined myself back home and hugging my kids, took deep breaths, relaxed my tense muscles, and reassured myself that crashing wouldn’t be painful. Hopefully. All of these things really did help and we were finally able to land without incident.
I headed to the restroom once in the terminal, delighted to see that they had automatic plastic covers on the toilets. I sat down gleefully and relieved myself. After I stood up, I read the instructions for the plastic covers indicating how to get a new clean cover–instructions that I hadn’t used. Oh well.
I praise God that He got me home safely to my beloved family last night, dirty hiney and all.
Can you relate to any of my fears? If so, do you have any tips for dealing with them?
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I told my husband last night my ginormous task list for the week and I realized that I probably forgot some things. For that matter, I only gave him THIS week. But there are some real benefits to being too busy like I am now. I'm going to give you two of them. Why only two and not the traditional three? You know. 🙂
You're forced to reevaluate. From not being inclined to fritter away time, to recognizing that idle time drives your addictive behaviors, to being forced to say no, to planning and being more efficient, busy has its benefits. Like me, you've probably found you get a lot more done and are even a lot happier when you're busy than when you're not.
You realize you can't do it alone. There is no way I can do business as usual around here. I'm going to have to ask for help. Horrifying for me! 🙂 But very good for my family. And excellent for my faith. Like Martin Luther, I am so busy this week that I am really going to have to pray. John 5:3a says, "By myself I can do nothing…" And that's a good thing. It's not as much fun to do it alone.
If I weren't so busy, I would write I really great wrap-up for this post, but something's gotta go!
If this post steps on your toes, know that I'm stomping on my own feet, too. If you've followed this blog at all, you know I love to talk about productivity, organization, and time management. I don't love to do it nearly as much as I love to talk about it, unfortunately.
This morning I had an aha moment about the way I do things at home in particular. I've spoken about this in so many words before, but apparently I needed the reminder. The principle is this: if I do things differently for people other than my family, I'm living as a phony.
When I was in private practice, I often saw Christian men and women (even some pastors) who treated their families in despicable ways yet outwardly looked squeaky clean. I was honestly repulsed by this and don't feel guilty for that reaction as it was shared by Jesus. Matthew 23:25 is one example: "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You cleanthe outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence."
The point is that we are living like hypocrites when we rush around making sure the house is just-so before company arrives, yet we couldn't care less if our family has to live in a sty. The same is true if we plan lovely homemade meals for guests, but only have time for frozen pizza for our families. We're being hypocrites if we're cheerful and complimentary when a friend calls, but we're angry and critical the rest of the time.
I have had the opportunity a couple of times to have my home and children profiled for TV. As I ran around making sure the house looked good and issuing threats to the children for saying the wrong thing, I knew I was being a phony. I just tried not to think about it too much. I told myself I needed to be able to be relaxed and real in my own home. That's true enough. I am not suggesting that there aren't times when it's okay for our homes to look lived in. I remember once someone barging into my bedroom when I was nursing my first newborn. She looked at the laundry in the room and said, "Don't feel bad." I thought, "I don't."
But all things being equal, aren't there times when our family deserves our best behavior that we often save for others? I think so. Some of you may be thinking, "My home is a mess no matter who's there and I don't care." Then I have another question for those of you who are Christians. Would you care if Jesus were a guest in your home? Would He be able to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant"? If not, it's time to get rid of the baloney and make some changes. Stop making excuses and make your home a haven for those you love most. I plan to.
I have written previously about my view that one rarely-considered motivation for procrastination is the desire to avoid obligation. I have found that any time I feel required, locked in, or enslaved by expectations or rules, the less likely I am to want to complete the task. Depending upon the consequences for not completing the task, I may ultimately do the work, but will avoid doing it as long as possible.
Even pleasant tasks can become unpleasant if rules or expectations become attached to them. For example, I enjoy checking Facebook regularly to see what my friends are up to. However, as soon as I feel someone expects me to read their status and comment on their schedule, checking Facebook becomes the last thing I want to do. Why do we behave in such an irrational manner?
One reason we resist obligation-laden tasks is a desire to avoid a poor evaluation. I love to sing. But I would never try out for American Idol (even if the age range were increased) because I don’t relish having Simon tell me what an atrocious waste of time I am. In the same way, I know if someone expects me to check and comment on her Facebook status every day, I know I will one day let her down and fail. This desire to avoid a negative evaluation applies even when we give ourselves the rule. I would rather avoid the “audition” of even trying to keep up with unrealistic expectations, whether they’re my own or another’s expectations.
A second reason I suspect that feeling obligated can lead to procrastination is the assumption that anything that must be enforced by rule or stigma must not be desirable. Children who hear, “Eat your vegetables and then you can be excused,” may assume that vegetables are not good to eat. Otherwise, why would pressure be required? The opposite assumption also operates here. If we are given rules restricting access to something, then we will likely consider it something very valuable. So hearing “You can have candy for special occasions” may prompt the child to think candy is something very special indeed.
If I am right about the role of obligation in procrastination, how then might we avoid unnecessary rebellion in getting things done?
First, you might try some reverse psychology. If your habit is to wait until the last possible time to complete a project, give yourself a rule that you cannot work on the project before that time. Write out your reverse rules, share them with others, and earnestly try to adhere to them simply to see what happens. If you are spending two hours a day online and you’d ultimately like to spend less time that way, see how many days in a row that you can spend at least two hours a day online. Do you have a snack or dessert every day that you think you’d be better off without? Make it a rule to eat the same dessert every day.
Second, avoid negative evaluation. Spend as little time as possible with people who criticize and demean you. If you have to interact with them, try to get encouragement before and after you do so. If you have a really critical boss, show your work to a sympathetic coworker before turning it in, and get a pat on the back after you’ve been subject to a scathing. The easiest way to avoid negative evaluation, though, is to stifle your inner critic. Allowing internal dialogue like, “You’re such a slacker. You’re online again,” will only throw fuel on the fire of procrastination. Better to say, “When I’m ready to logoff, I will.”
An excellent way to avoid negative evaluation is to get things done early. Before anyone can ask you about a task, you'll have it done! No nagging and critical comments will be coming your way, but only surprised praise. You can enjoy your own praise for being on top of things, too. Of course, you don't have to get things done early, but you might want to.
Third, avoid rules altogether. Even adopting a rule of using reverse psychology may be something you rebel against. Giving yourself complete freedom to do whatever you wish may diminish obligation-based procrastination significantly. What that means for me is not having time management rules. I feel free to use a list or not. An iPhone app or not. A schedule or not. Avoiding rules is easier said than done. We’re constantly being bombarded with rules for living. When someone says something that makes you feel required to do something, you can dismiss it from your mind with the truth that you have a choice. Even if you are the one piling on the guilt, you will have to rethink your requirement of yourself in light of the freedom you have. One way of doing that is reframing your tasks as something you want or choose to do, rather than something you must do.
I am on a tennis team right now and am very motivated to practice regularly and improve. The coaches for the team have never suggested that I put in extra practice time. If they did make that suggestion, my initial reaction would be to procrastinate. How could I get around that? I would ask myself if the reasons I wanted to put in extra practice before their request were still valid. If so, I would choose to dismiss their expectation of me, knowing that practicing was still my choice.
While I was composing this post, my husband presented me with an obligation-laden request for help with the computer. Too bad he hadn’t read my blog first! We’re more likely to gain others’ cooperation if we keep these principles in mind. Friends can get more Facebook feedback from me by thanking me for posting, no strings attached. Of course, my initial reaction to my husband’s request was to resist, but the intensity of my resistance is much less than had I been permitting superfluous obligation to rule the day. I’m going to reframe his request as something I want to do now that I’m finished with this post. The reality is we all have to deal with a certain amount of obligation. But the more of it we reverse or avoid, the more productive and happy we’ll be.
A common source of guilt is piles or files of unorganized photos. I have loads of photos and guilt, too. I still have every intention of purging and sorting my printed and digital pics as well as scrapbooking them, but if and until that happens, I have a great solution: make a photobook.
I made a beautiful photobook of my mother-in-law's life in about a day and that includes the time spent scanning photos. My husband turned 50 in February and I decided to make him an even less time-intensive book. I used only digital photos. I reviewed all the photos I've taken over the past 5 years and let me tell you I have a bunch! But I was pleasantly surprised by how little time it took.
To make a quick, guilt-reducing photo book, first begin looking through your photos of your subject. If you have printed photos, pull them out and put them in a separate box or envelope. Before removing them, note where they're taken from. Use a sticky note to mark the page of albums where a photo has been removed. For digital photos, create an album file or tag to indicate which photos will go into the book.
The second step is to organize your photos. Because I didn't have exact dates for my mother-in-law's book, I realized that the photos would be easy to organize by decade. For my husband's book, I found that I could organize them into shots by himself, with me, with each of the individual children, with the kids in groups, with our family in groups, with his extended family, and with his friends. Once you've decided on your organizing structure, you'll want to either scan or add photos into subfolders. For example, my mother-in-law's book had one large file with subfolders for the 1960s, 1970s, etc.
The third step is to choose a digital photobook maker. You can drive to the photo developer and have them organize the book for you. You can also choose software like Creative Memories' StoryMaker Plus or Shutterfly which will give you fancy, decorated pages. I chose Creative Memories for my mother-in-law's book and had the book published through a different online developer. For my husband's book, which I didn't want to be fancy or have much journaling, I chose Walgreens. Their software was easy to use. Work on just one subfolder at a time! This is key. As you work, you may decide not to use certain photos to fit the templates your software provides. Try not to sweat that. 🙂 You can always print those photos or use them in another project.
My husband's book arrived about I week after I completed it. He was thrilled and I felt forgiven for my failure to print photos or to scrapbook them at all. He now has a short book with the most treasured photos in it from the last five years. It's not as great as having a paper scrapbook with tons of journaling, but he sure didn't seem to mind. You could make a great photobook this weekend and be guilt-free…for a while anyway.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
