Are you ready for a new show? Fall is when the new television programming starts. Before I was a crazy busy homeschooling mom of six, I looked forward to this. Now I watch a couple of shows that start in January and that’s it. Even so, I get tired of reruns.
This morning I watched a rerun while playing tennis for the first time on a league. I haven’t taken lessons or played regularly in 11 years! I’m not particularly talented, but I enjoy playing and have looked forward to the day that I could join a league. My life circumstances (and my hubby) finally permitted it, so I signed up.
You wouldn’t think a woman who feels comfortable speaking to large groups of people would be anxious playing tennis with three older ladies, but yep. I was. I kept trying to turn off the reruns in my head, but they kept playing. Like it or not (I didn’t), I was ten years old again. I had messed something up in my P.E. class and was then ridiculed mercilessly. I was a kid again, standing there shaking as I waited endlessly for one of the team captains to choose me.
I wasn’t a horrible athlete growing up. That wasn’t what provoked the anxiety all those years ago and that wasn’t what provoked it this morning. My classmates’ critical voices brought on the fear. This morning I could hear them again, flowing from my fellow tennis players’ heads. “Why does she have to be my partner?” “What is she doing playing in a league if she can’t even serve?” “Who does she think she is?”
The more I listened to this imaginary broadcast, the worse I played. The worse I played, the more anxious I got. After a while, I couldn’t hear the kid voices anymore. All I heard was me. “You’re such an idiot.” “Why didn’t you practice more?” “You’re not league material.” My voice was so loud in my head that it drowned out the ladies encouragement of “good shot” and their own apologies for missing the ball.
As I walked to my car, I decided I was really tired of this rerun. I have the dialogue memorized. Tennis isn’t the only place I watch reruns. So often we automatically play the part we played as a child or in a past relationship without even thinking. We assign our friends and loved ones the roles of the nemesis of the past and then act surprised when the resolution of our life story is the same.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a new show. Next week’s tennis league will be the premiere! I’ll let you know how it rates.
Hey Mel !
I used to feel like this when coaching my son’s soccer team years ago. I didn’t have the slightest clue about soccer and would obsess about the parents in the stands watching me with disapproval. Since nobody else volunteered, often I’d be not only coaching the team, but refereeing as well. (Difficult to do when you don’t know the rules)! LOL
It truly is much easier to be a critic than to play the game.
But the kids were having fun and getting lots of encouragement from me, and that’s what I focused on.
A similar kind of thing happened when I started playing baseball again myself after 20 years away from the game and playing on a highly competitive team. Cheering on the other players even if they were on the opposing team (too many years of doing this with kids ingrained this as a habit and I didn’t realize it wasn’t something you do on an adult league), took away my focus on myself and my pathetic game.
I bet if you asked one of the most encouraging ladies in your league to help you train, you’ll amaze yourself with renewed confidence.
I flipped through John McEnroe’s book “You Cannot Be Serious” when it came out, and it surprised me that he didn’t play for the love of the game, but for the adulation of being the winner.
Not sure if you’ve read it, but Tim Gallwey’s “The Inner Game of Tennis” addresses exactly the issues you’re describing (and the advice can and has been extended to other areas besides tennis.)
I read on Amazon that the book “Zennis” is good too. 🙂