Twelve years ago I gave birth to my third son. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was a boy before the doctor said so. What I didn’t know was how much I would be affected by the knowledge that I would never have a daughter.
My husband and I wanted two to three children when we got married. When boys number one and two arrived, I assumed baby number three would be a girl. I was the oldest with two brothers. Every family I knew growing up either had both genders or all girls. The baby dolls I played with were girls. I never seriously considered that I would have an all-boy family. Until that’s what I had.
The Truth is Taboo
I knew immediately that I couldn’t tell a soul that while I was crazy about my beautiful, healthy newborn son, I was sad about the daughter I would never have. If I were honest about how I felt, people would accuse me of not being grateful for my children or not trusting God or not even being a good mother. After all, there were women in China abandoning babies of the less-preferred gender, weren’t there? To say that I wished for a daughter in addition to my incredible sons was a sin. And so I was silent and I grew very, very depressed.
One thing we know from studying veterans of wars and victims of crime is that if hurting people don’t express what they’re feeling, they are at risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and worse. As I continued to deny my feelings, the stress I was under in parenting three boys ages three and under escalated.
Thankfully, I found a group of women online who felt like I did–women who, like me, assumed they would have a child of both genders, but didn’t. Also, like me, they wrestled with guilt for feeling as they did and with the unwritten rule that you didn’t talk about how you felt. As I got to know these mothers, I learned two things that are important for mothers with the baby gender blues:
- You have to talk about it. You might not be able to tell your mother, your in-laws, or even your best friend, but there is another mother out there who knows what you’re going through. Be honest with her about how you feel.
- Let go of the guilt. Needing time to adjust to a different plan than you envisioned is not wrong. In fact, the more guilty you feel, the longer the adjustment time.
Others’ Comments are Unkind
When I thought I was adjusting well to the idea that I wouldn’t have a daughter, someone would say something that would set me back. Here are just a few of the things I heard and what I thought:
- I just can’t imagine not having my daughters. (She thinks my life will be awful without one.)
- I just don’t see you being the mother of a daughter. (I’m not good or girly enough to have a daughter.)
- I just got lucky having a girl after having boys. (I’m not lucky.)
- That is so, so sad that you don’t have a girl. (There’s no bright side.)
- Boys don’t take care of their parents. (I’ll be lonely in my old age.)
- You only get to be involved in weddings and with grandkids with your daughters. (I’ll be left out of my kids’ lives.)
With the help of friends who experienced similar unkind comments, I learned two more things that can help mothers with baby gender blues:
- People say stupid things that simply aren’t true, even if they believe them. I was blessed with a very close relationship with my mother-in-law. I knew that God willing, I could be close to daughters-in-law, too. I also knew families of all grown boys who took great care of their elderly mother and I knew grandmas with only sons who were very close to their grandkids. Look for the exceptions to these ridiculous rules. You’ll find them.
- People often have ulterior motives for what they say. People who are jealous of you will use what they suspect is a disappointment to their advantage. People who are hurting about their own family will often want the company of your misery. Consider the source. Are the people who love you best encouraging you? Listen to them.
My husband and I had three more children, the fifth a daughter. But having a daughter hasn’t changed my compassion for women with the baby gender blues. I remember that time in my life well.
To be supportive of a mother of one gender:
- Don’t assume they’re upset. Not everyone is disappointed.
- Don’t express sympathy. If you’re close, ask the mother how she feels about the baby’s gender and respond accordingly. If you’re not a confidant, don’t mention it.
- Don’t tell her gender doesn’t matter. You’ll contribute to her guilt.
- Compliment mom and baby. Tell her how beautiful her child is and what a great job she does in parenting.
- Share positive examples. People who told me about adorable families with all boys were my heroes. My pediatrician made me smile when he said, “You’ll always be the queen.”
- Use humor. When we learned that baby #4 was a boy, too, our brother-in-law said we might as well remove all the toilet seats. I should have taken his advice.
those who hope in me will not be disappointed. (Isaiah 49:23b)
While we may experience temporary disappointment in all aspects of life, we will never be disappointed in the God who loves us and will never leave us.
Has anyone said anything hurtful about the gender of your children or have you inadvertently said something to a parent with all boys or girls?
As you know, I was an unwilling member of the ‘All boys club’ for 11 years until I had my daughter. I could make a long list of all the wrong things to say here (ask me how I know them), but instead I’ll tell you that the nicest thing anyone ever said to me when they saw me with all my boys, and I say it to other moms whenever I get the chance, is.
You have a beautiful family!
It always made me feel blessed for what I had without the aftertaste of guilt that so many others left me with. If you’d like to hear a list of what NOT to say, I’d be happy to post those too. I still remember them like it was yesterday.
P.S. You have a beautiful family!
Thank you! You do, too! One thing I know is that I don’t regret my blues or even the stupid things people said because it gave me friendship with wonderful women like you. It also made me think longer before I spoke.
Evenin’ Melanie Girl,
I so appreciate you sharing this memory that you still hold in your heart. It is so important for us to look at people, see whats behind their eyes, not just their circumstances. I’m asking God to teach me how to listen before I speak. May God’s blessings pour over your sweet family! ~ Blessings friend, Amy
Thanks, Amy. Most of time people hurt others unintentionally. I still laugh about asking a mother of five (back when I had just one child) if she had WANTED five kids. Wouldn’t she have the last laugh now? 😉 My goal is to love people more and more and skip the judgment. No small task. So glad you stopped by.
I don’t really think about the gender thing – but I imagine I’ve said things inadvertently to childless people who really wanted children but couldn’t have them or hadn’t met the right person until they were past the age.
Having boys around is great for lifting heavy objects and I don’t think it would be a good thing to go through menopause with a daughter in puberty at the same time. 😉 Plus I’ve got a couple of great nieces – the enjoyment with none of the problems.
I have to say I’m hoping for a granddaughter though. But I’ll take whatever I get and think it’s wonderful.
Well, you’ve got some years of experience behind you, too, J. When you’re an exhausted post-partum mother, you’re more vulnerable to believing the Negative Nellies. Boys, girls, babies–all wonderful blessings! I can’t wait for grandkids. 🙂
I think for my youngest, after all the speculation that he had Downs Syndrome – that he was normal was such a relief that gender was a non-issue. I don’t want to be too greedy after all.
I do remember with my oldest REALLY wanting a girl. But I was only 22 – what did I know? I was fortunate, he was a great baby and son and I even have pictures of him dressed in one of my negligees wearing a string of pearls. 😛
I wonder if mother forums are just not a good place for most new moms to belong to? They didn’t have that kind of thing back in my day so I just bumbled along as best as I could. Penelope Leach’s (sort of an old school child-rearing advice person) book was my resource – not some faceless people on a forum trying to tell me what was right or wrong and making me feel bad.
In my case, a mother’s forum was a godsend. It was people in real life who said really upsetting things and the women on the forum who would comfort me or at least commiserate! 🙂
I think you’re right, though, that there’s a certain amount of being too young to know better in all of this. Any time we start any new stage in life, there can be some fear. I had quite a bit. 😉
Quite a number of us mothers of all boys took a picture of at least one of the babies in a girl outfit. That’s the main thing we wanted to do anyway, was dress them up. See what baby dolls do to girls?
Thanks, Melanie, this is good advice for lots of situations. It was interesting to hear what you were thinking based on people’s comments. So often we say things not realizing how others will take them. We don’t mean to be hurtful but we come off that way.
I still remember what one mom told me (several times) when I had my first baby. She had a baby at the same time and her baby started sleeping through the night early while mine took forever to sleep through the night. Her comment was “God knew I needed to sleep through the night so He gave me a sleepy baby.” Needless to say, on little sleep, I didn’t appreciate that remark!
Barb, you’re so right. We can fail to think through the implications of our comments. Like you didn’t need sleep, too? I’ve heard mothers complain about hearing, “I guess I’m just blessed,” leaving them to wonder why they’re not blessed also.