My 16-year-old went off to school for the first time this month.
My neighbor who knew none of my children have ever gone to school outside our home asked me:
Was it hard?
I heard myself answering, but I was sitting across from my then 15-year-old son in a restaurant last spring when he said, “I’m thinking I might want to go high school next year.”
I watched him as he fidgeted and explained his reasons for wanting to finish his education outside of our home, but all I could really see was a two-year-old holding up letter-shaped puzzle pieces and asking, “What dat?” All I could hear was this little boy insisting, “Read, Mama. Read!” I could only see an older boy who read everything he got his hands on, including his Bible. I saw a teen who questioned absolutely everything. And back in the present, I saw a young adult seeking his mother’s approval for something he felt led to do.
As I continued to answer my neighbor’s question, I saw myself weeping alone. I saw myself talking and praying with my husband. I saw my conversation with my son in which I told him honestly, “I don’t want you to go to school!” And I heard him answer, “So why are you letting me go?” I felt the ache in my throat once again when I answered, “Because it’s not about what I want, but what’s best for you.”
I kept talking to my neighbor while I watched my boy heft his backpack on his shoulder and walk toward the bus stop, wondering if he would get picked up, if he would find all his classes, if he would have anyone to sit with at lunch, if he would miss me.
And I realized that answering my neighbor’s question was like answering whether natural labor is hard or grieving a loss is hard or parenting is hard.
I wondered why I had never thought to ask God that question.
Was it hard to send Your only Son away from home, knowing what He would suffer?
I suppose I haven’t asked because I already know the answer:
Love is hard.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
My kids never went to high school but three of them have gone to college now, and you get the same feelings when they go to college – it’s hard!
In our valley the Christian kids who go to high school say it’s incredibly difficult because they’re constantly bombarded by things that make it hard for them to follow God. BUT – the advantage is that they come home to you each afternoon and you get to talk to them about those things. Help them find the way to walk with God as a Christian in the midst of high school. Help them see everything that goes on at school from God’s point of view. Help him see the people he goes to school with from God’s perspective – and help him see himself from God’s perspective.
These are all things my college kids had to learn. Two of them are continuing to walk with God and growing like crazy, and one of them is no longer walking with God. (And surprisingly, the one that isn’t went to a conservative Christian college and the ones who are still following God go to state colleges.) The sad truth is that our kids have to grow up and make their own choices – I wish we could protect them, but of course we can’t protect them forever. Just love them no matter what choices they make.
It’s always scary to have your kids leave the nest. The one advantage you have with a kid leaving the nest now is that he’s still coming home to you each night so you still have lots of influence – and you still have him! My two college kids just left for their school four hours away last week – and my oldest child is more than a year into his three year trip around the world, working as he goes. Even though those years of homeschooling young kids were so hectic and all-encompassing, I wouldn’t mind having them back for just a few weeks!
I’ll be praying for you today, Melanie, as you make your adjustment!
Thanks, Barb! I’m doing well with it now, but it was hard at the time. I know it’s a topic that resonates with a lot of moms. Certainly having a child who isn’t walking with the Lord is an important topic to explore. Thanks for sharing that personal information. I hope it helps others reading.
it has been many many years since my children started school. I sit at my computer swallowing hard as I “see” the video of my little ones walking away or getting on the school bus to lead their life away from me. At the time I mentally crossed my fingers and said little prayers that their lives would be safe from harm.
Many years, but you remember it clearly I know. The best description of a child is “your heart with legs.” No wonder it can be so hard.
Mel, I loved this. Love IS hard . . . but so worth it. How blessed we are to know how God understands our struggle. Blessings!!!
Deb, I know you know how hard love can be and yes, how very worth it love is. I was thinking about you when I wrote that part. xxoo
Dear Melanie girl, this is probably my favorite post I’ve ever read by you! What a timely, powerful illustration… we’re a young homeschoolin’ family, learning so much. And am I willing to give them to the Lord daily just like He did for me, through His boy Jesus? Thank you for sharing! ~ Blessings from Maine girl, Amy 🙂
Thanks, Amy. It seems that the hardest posts for me to write are the most popular with people. Hope you enjoy the years you don’t have to let go. Homeschooling my children has been one of God’s richest blessings to me. We learned the capital of Maine two weeks ago. Woohoo! 🙂
I think every stage of parenting is hard but the hardest might be the one when we hold our kids with an open hand…
Amen to that, Shannon! It’s hard any time we aren’t in control.
Tears are streaming down my face reading about your memories of your boy through the years, and about how love is “hard”.
My son chose to go to school last year, at the age of 15. It was a new kind of school that actually had a lot in common with homeschooling (real-world, project-based assignments, with a lot of self-education and teamwork, but teachers available to give instruction as needed). We were nervous about sending him, but supported him in his choice.
As it turned out, although he did have the benefit of a lot of opportunities that he wouldn’t have had at home (or in a more traditional school, for that matter), it wasn’t ultimately the right environment for him, so he chose to come back home this year.
Shoshi, thanks so much for your comment. Parenting is such an adventure, isn’t it? I hold tight to the truth that God is in control of my children’s lives and even their education. I appreciate hearing about your experience. I think too often we assume there is one way and it’s a straight shot. That clearly isn’t the case! 🙂
I’m a new reader to your blog and love it! My heart broke for you as you watched your 16 year old go off to school — but you’re so right. It’s not about US — it’s about what’s best for them. Blessings for a great school year for your son!
Mary, welcome and thank you so much for the encouragement and empathy. Every day that goes by, I understand more of what God was doing sending him to school. One thing was getting me to understand that my son’s life isn’t all my responsibility. I think that feeling is a particular problem for us HSing moms. Looking forward to following your posts and tweets.