The first thing we are tempted to do when dealing with our inner brat is to give her some rules. Your brat procrastinated on that big project and you had to stay up all night getting it done? She hasn't taken advantage of that expensive gym membership even one time since January? She has been web surfing for hours while the laundry evolves into a leviathon?
You surmise that what your brat needs is some good old-fashioned discipline. From now on, she is going to be up at 5:45 a.m. so she can be at the gym first thing. She could have gotten away with working out three days a week if she had kept at it in January, but now that it's summer, she will be up and sweating every single day if it kills her. You don't care how tired she is after a long day of exercising, working, teaching, mothering, cooking, and housekeeping, she IS going to spend an hour working on long-term projects before she even touches the computer keyboard. And two loads of laundry must be washed, dried, folded, and put away each evening or she will not be able to read or watch TV. She'll learn, right?
The rebel that lives inside of each one of us revolts in response to rules. I have witnessed this time and time again in people I love who are more outer than inner rebels. Rules are quickly assessed as "stupid" and not applicable to them. As an outward rule follower myself, I marvel at their refusal to acquiesce, and deep down, respect them for it. Nine times out of ten they are absolutely right that the rule is wrong. If you listen closely, you will hear your inner rebel roar when you give them rules like:
Absolutely no fat, carbs, or sweets
Everything must be recorded and tagged in a to-do list
Every decent photo must be scrapbooked and journaled chronologically
Everything you eat must be weighed, measured, and recorded
Every goal must be written, shared, and broken down into mini steps
You must eat 9-11 servings of produce and drink 11 cups of water daily
You must adhere to the schedule laid out in 15-minute increments
Most people who struggle to make meaningful lasting change are dealing with an inner rebel who hates rules. Two case studies. The first is FLYLady. I wrote a Woman's Day article about her home organizing routines more than a decade ago. Although she was an immediate success, there were as many anti-FLYLady responders as there were fan girls. FLYLady's rule that women wear their shoes all day really raised a rebel ruckus. Groups of FLYLady adherents formed whose identity was simply that they refused to wear their shoes in the house.
A second case study. Mark Forster developed a system of task management that initially thrilled his rebel forum. Tasks could be accomplished simply by intuition, when they "felt ready to be done." The only problem was there were still a number of rules in the system. Immediately, the forum members objected to the rules and began proposing alternate rules. More than two years later, they are still at it.
If you are giving your rebel rules, your inner forum is revolting against you! So what are we to do? Don't we still need rules to get our rebel in line? Rules work better for rebels when:
There are few of them. That's why trying to crack down in multiple areas backfires.
There is a really good reason for the rules you have. A rebel will immediately ask, "Why should I?" You better be ready with an excellent answer!
The rules aren't merely to please people. People pleasing isn't what rebels do.
The rules aren't extreme. Rebels still believe in common sense.
The rules aren't based in fear. Rebels aren't afraid of much, especially consequences that "might, possibly" happen.
I will give you a personal example of the Rebel Rules Philosophy in action. I would like to cook healthier meals more often. So today I noted a weekly menu on AllRecipes.com that was for grilled meals, complete with shopping list. I read one review that raved about this menu and I added it to my shopping list. My kids and the cicadas outside were very noisy at the time, but I could hear my inner rebel pitching a fit. She was saying, "You're supposed to grill EVERY DAY for a week? Really? Your kids are going to eat grilled zucchini boats? Uh-huh. And you're going to make a grilled dessert every night? That is just stupid!"
So rather than do what I would normally do and buy everything I need for the grilled weekly menu, only to let the stuff spoil because I don't cook it, and then wonder why I am so lazy, I listened to my rebel. I might grill once or twice this week instead.
What kinds of rules have you given your rebels that have been resisted? Are there any rules you've laid down that have lasted?
As Jesus is the One Who has given us all of our time, we ought to give Him the first fruits of it. For me, this means regularly having devotions the first part of the day. Spending time with the Lord became very easy for me when I chose to spend the time in a way I enjoy. I like variety, but right now, I read several devotionals, then a chapter of the Bible or two, and end with prayer.
Putting Jesus first doesn't just mean giving Him our time; it also means asking Him what He would have us do with our time. I have come to enjoy my alone time with God so much that I can get a little cranky when my husband crashes the party! But I know that Jesus' desire is that I devote my time to my husband as well because the O in JOY is for
Others
We know from Jesus' example that we are to put others before ourselves. If I have done what I know the Lord would have me do, then I can ask myself what my husband would have me do. I can even ask him directly! Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page about what needs to be done for the most part. Some days, however, I must admit that he would rather have me do laundry when I'd rather be reading. You single ladies, take note!
After doing things that would please my husband, I can decide if my children are in need or would be particularly blessed by something I could do. Some mornings, breakfast is all the blessing I can muster! But on other days, I may decide that I've put off doing a craft or just playing with them long enough. I have a large family, but I need to consider the needs of other family members, friends, and co-workers as well. Any commitments I have made to others should come before my to-do's.
Yourself
Finally, we can think about ourselves. You might be wondering how on earth we can be all things to everyone who needs us and still have time to do anything for ourselves! Some days that's a real challenge for me. But here is the blessing.
First, spending time with the Lord and giving to others is the best thing I can do for me. My energy and mood are renewed. Second, God can guide us in what to do for others and when. He doesn't expect us to run around serving everyone. Sometimes the best way to serve others is to allow them to depend on God or learn to meet their own needs. He gives us the discernment we need when we need it. Third, some seemingly selfish activities are actually serving the Lord and others, too. For example, my husband loves it when I exercise and the kids love having an energetic, less-stressed mom as a result.
How can we use TODAY, TOMORROW, and TOWARD together with JOY for deciding what to do on any given day? Here's how your to-do list might look:
What would Jesus have me do today?
What do my husband, kids, friends, co-workers/boss need me to do for them today?
What do I need to do for me today?
What would Jesus have me do today to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What would my husband, kids, friends, co-workers have me do to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
Who do I need to do for myself today in advance of tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What goals or dreams would Jesus have me work toward today?
What goals or dreams would the people I love and work with want me to help them work toward today?
What goals or dreams do I want to work toward today?
Some days, you may spend all day on #1, but you won't be sorry like you would be if you just web surfed the day away. Give the JOY method a try!
I told my husband last night my ginormous task list for the week and I realized that I probably forgot some things. For that matter, I only gave him THIS week. But there are some real benefits to being too busy like I am now. I'm going to give you two of them. Why only two and not the traditional three? You know. 🙂
You're forced to reevaluate. From not being inclined to fritter away time, to recognizing that idle time drives your addictive behaviors, to being forced to say no, to planning and being more efficient, busy has its benefits. Like me, you've probably found you get a lot more done and are even a lot happier when you're busy than when you're not.
You realize you can't do it alone. There is no way I can do business as usual around here. I'm going to have to ask for help. Horrifying for me! 🙂 But very good for my family. And excellent for my faith. Like Martin Luther, I am so busy this week that I am really going to have to pray. John 5:3a says, "By myself I can do nothing…" And that's a good thing. It's not as much fun to do it alone.
If I weren't so busy, I would write I really great wrap-up for this post, but something's gotta go!
I just got a department store ad with this subject line. I love it! When are your “Power Hours”? When do you have the most energy for accomplishing everything God has called you to do?
God Time
I use this concept to make sure I have time with God first thing in the morning. I’m not so much of a morning person, but I know if I don’t have that time in the morning, I’m unlikely to have it later on. I have also noticed that my homeschooling goes downhill after lunch just like speaking engagements do. I have watched people sleep during my after-lunch presentations many times! So I put all our most critical energy-requiring tasks in the morning and save the fun, active stuff for the afternoons.
Family Time
We can use our Power Hours for the people we love. I used to have special time with one child scheduled at 8:30 p.m. That’s when every mother wants to play Candy Land, right? Special Time became sleepy time for Mom. Now I do this early afternoon and the kids and I are both happy that it’s happening consistently.
Me Time
We can also use this concept for making time for what we love to do. I used to wait to write and scrapbook until after the kids went to bed. It almost never happened! The end of the day is not when I have my Power Hours. Now I write in the morning before the kids get up and I scrapbook in the afternoon when I’m done teaching school.
Determine when your Power Hours are. You may like to use Heatmapping for this purpose.Â
Then determine how you can use them for God, family, and to renew yourself.
Today I have been decluttering my email inboxes. Somehow I have allowed myself to accummulate 20,000 emails. Not kidding! I’ve read the majority of them, but hadn’t dispensed with them after the fact. In the process of buying lots of things inexpensively via Anjie’s list, I’ve been subscribed to many, many, MANY email newsletters. I took the time to unsubscribe myself from the emails today and made sure to delete and sort them according to the excellent strategy described on the Getting Things Done blog.
As I did so, I started to see similarities between dealing with emails and dealing with life.
1) Sometimes we have no idea how we’ve been “subscribed” to something.
Years ago, I somehow ended up being the treasurer and all-around bookkeeper for my investment club. I cannot even tell you how much stress I experienced as a result. I have never even balanced a checkbook! For those of you who are wondering, my Superman pays the bills. Like me, you may end up doing things that you have no business doing.
2) We have to intentionally unsubscribe.
I have been putting up with voluminous emails and just letting them sit or deleting them. Why? I suppose I thought they would catch the hint and stop showing up. They didn’t! The people and tasks in our lives that are not part of our mission are also unlikely to catch the hint. Mrs. Church will continue to call and ask you to make meals for the funeral luncheons even though you hate to cook and you’re constantly on the go. In order to stop the unwanteds, the unnecessaries, and the uninspiring from coming into our lives, we have to deliberately say “Sorry, but no thank you.”
3) We have to stay strong as we unsubscribe.
Almost every newsletter I unsubbed from today (I lost count several hours ago) wanted to make really, really sure I wanted to unsubscribe. Some of them really turned up the guilt. “We will miss you so terribly. If you change your mind, we’ll be here pining away for you.” On the other hand, most of my unsubscriptions were easier than I thought they would be. Pretty standard procedure–not emotional at all. When we say “no thank you” without justifying ourselves and apologizing several times, unsubscribing from the unwanteds in our lives is fairly easy. I once unsubbed from a newsletter and the woman who wrote it immediately contacted me demanding an explanation. That was uncomfortable! Sometimes we have to deal with discomfort, but most of the time, only a few clicks are required.
4) Unsubscribing from something good allows you to subscribe to what is best.
There were many newsletters that I unsubbed from that I actually like. But I don’t have time to read them. As I deleted and unsubbed like crazy, I found myself really reading the ones that are most meaningful to me. When I didn’t have so much email clutter, I could focus in on the keepers. What have you been missing out on in life because you’ve been so distracted by the so-so?
5) Re-subscribing is almost always an option.
Some newsletters have been harder than others for me to unsub from–just as some items I own are harder to declutter and some tasks harder to give up. What helps is remembering that I can easily resubscribe! If you give away a book you need, you can repurchase it. If you give up a volunteer job and you miss it, my guess is they’ll let you come back!
I now use SaneBox to manage my inbox so I don’t have to unsubscribe from newsletters. But I can still apply this advice to my life. I hope you can regain your time by unsubscribing.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
