The first thing we are tempted to do when dealing with our inner brat is to give her some rules. Your brat procrastinated on that big project and you had to stay up all night getting it done? She hasn't taken advantage of that expensive gym membership even one time since January? She has been web surfing for hours while the laundry evolves into a leviathon?
You surmise that what your brat needs is some good old-fashioned discipline. From now on, she is going to be up at 5:45 a.m. so she can be at the gym first thing. She could have gotten away with working out three days a week if she had kept at it in January, but now that it's summer, she will be up and sweating every single day if it kills her. You don't care how tired she is after a long day of exercising, working, teaching, mothering, cooking, and housekeeping, she IS going to spend an hour working on long-term projects before she even touches the computer keyboard. And two loads of laundry must be washed, dried, folded, and put away each evening or she will not be able to read or watch TV. She'll learn, right?
The rebel that lives inside of each one of us revolts in response to rules. I have witnessed this time and time again in people I love who are more outer than inner rebels. Rules are quickly assessed as "stupid" and not applicable to them. As an outward rule follower myself, I marvel at their refusal to acquiesce, and deep down, respect them for it. Nine times out of ten they are absolutely right that the rule is wrong. If you listen closely, you will hear your inner rebel roar when you give them rules like:
Absolutely no fat, carbs, or sweets
Everything must be recorded and tagged in a to-do list
Every decent photo must be scrapbooked and journaled chronologically
Everything you eat must be weighed, measured, and recorded
Every goal must be written, shared, and broken down into mini steps
You must eat 9-11 servings of produce and drink 11 cups of water daily
You must adhere to the schedule laid out in 15-minute increments
Most people who struggle to make meaningful lasting change are dealing with an inner rebel who hates rules. Two case studies. The first is FLYLady. I wrote a Woman's Day article about her home organizing routines more than a decade ago. Although she was an immediate success, there were as many anti-FLYLady responders as there were fan girls. FLYLady's rule that women wear their shoes all day really raised a rebel ruckus. Groups of FLYLady adherents formed whose identity was simply that they refused to wear their shoes in the house.
A second case study. Mark Forster developed a system of task management that initially thrilled his rebel forum. Tasks could be accomplished simply by intuition, when they "felt ready to be done." The only problem was there were still a number of rules in the system. Immediately, the forum members objected to the rules and began proposing alternate rules. More than two years later, they are still at it.
If you are giving your rebel rules, your inner forum is revolting against you! So what are we to do? Don't we still need rules to get our rebel in line? Rules work better for rebels when:
There are few of them. That's why trying to crack down in multiple areas backfires.
There is a really good reason for the rules you have. A rebel will immediately ask, "Why should I?" You better be ready with an excellent answer!
The rules aren't merely to please people. People pleasing isn't what rebels do.
The rules aren't extreme. Rebels still believe in common sense.
The rules aren't based in fear. Rebels aren't afraid of much, especially consequences that "might, possibly" happen.
I will give you a personal example of the Rebel Rules Philosophy in action. I would like to cook healthier meals more often. So today I noted a weekly menu on AllRecipes.com that was for grilled meals, complete with shopping list. I read one review that raved about this menu and I added it to my shopping list. My kids and the cicadas outside were very noisy at the time, but I could hear my inner rebel pitching a fit. She was saying, "You're supposed to grill EVERY DAY for a week? Really? Your kids are going to eat grilled zucchini boats? Uh-huh. And you're going to make a grilled dessert every night? That is just stupid!"
So rather than do what I would normally do and buy everything I need for the grilled weekly menu, only to let the stuff spoil because I don't cook it, and then wonder why I am so lazy, I listened to my rebel. I might grill once or twice this week instead.
What kinds of rules have you given your rebels that have been resisted? Are there any rules you've laid down that have lasted?
In my book, So You’re Not Wonder Woman, I describe the resistance to change as being the fault of our inner brat (a label borrowed from Pam Young). When I think about what brats need, my first thought is a good whoopin’! That’s where the brat analogy breaks down.
When our inner brat doesn’t do right, we often try to whoop her. We berate, punish, and lay down the law. That might work if we were really dealing with an undisciplined brat. However, my recent experience raising a strong-willed teen has convinced me that we are not dealing with inner brats, but inner rebels. Trust me, you do not want to whoop a rebel!
I realized that although I knew what to say and do with respect to the real life rebels in my life, I was not applying those same principles when it came to the rebel in me. After beginning to practice rebel-friendly principles for self change, I am enjoying increased productivity and peace. If you want to make important life changes, achieve your goals, and get things done, you need to learn how to relate to your inner rebel, too. In a series of upcoming posts, I will share strategies for getting along with your rebel so you can get great things done.
Wondering when to tackle a given task can lead to procrastination and overwhelm. The GTD philosophy advises dividing all our to do’s into contexts (@computer, @office) etc. That structure can help you group activities by tool or location, but it gives us no structure for when we should be doing certain tasks.
I like my newly developed day-based contexts which just expand on those I learned from www.FLYLady.net.
Money and Mail Mondays – These are the days I will focus on work related tasks and will get stuff in the mail. These are the tasks I enjoy least, so I want to get them out of the way at the beginning of the week.
Teaching Tuesdays – These are days I will focus on school-related tasks.
Windows Wednesdays – Wednesdays will be the days I focus on computer-related tasks.
Thinking Thursdays – This is the day set aside for projects that require time or focus.
Fun Fridays – This is a day to accomplish all the quick, enjoyable to do’s like watching You-Tube videos or reading links friends send.
Shopping Saturdays – This is my grocery and errand day.
Sweet Sundays – The sweet reminds me to be sweet with the Lord, family, and friends. I will take care to correspond with people and spend special time with them.
Obviously, I can’t work or teach or do computer tasks only on the day assigned. And I better not restrict my sweetness to Sundays! But when I have a non-urgent, irregular task, I can absolutely save it until the appropriate context day. I use www.goodtodo.com to manage my tasks which makes this approach super simple.
Let’s say I get an email saying that I need to send a registration form and check for my child’s activity to a given address. I simply forward the email to Monday@goodtodo.com, archive the email, and move on. I read that a friend’s parent has passed on Facebook and I want to send a sympathy card. I have a few options, depending on the day. I can email a note to buy a sympathy card to Saturday@goodtodo.com (or add the task by opening the app on my phone or computer). I could also send it to Sunday if I already have a card or Wednesday if I want to send a card from www.SendOutCards.com.
Not only will context days help you group your tasks for efficiency, but they enable you to automatically schedule tasks as well. You can keep your email inbox empty and have peace of mind knowing that all your tasks are scheduled. Can’t get to everything? If the task still isn’t urgent, simply redate for the following week (it’s so easy with goodtodo). I received nothing for this recommendation from goodtodo, but I might email Monday@goodtodo.com to remind myself to ask them for some $ off my subscription. 🙂
I dig summer, for one, because I can devote time to some personal goals. My friend, Deb, posted her goals for the summer. I wanted to share mine, too, and I hope you will share yours!
1. Complete my top 3 scrapbooking projects. This may be overly ambitious, but I have almost finished one of them and it’s a major step down from completing all of my scrapbooking projects this summer. 🙂
2. Educate myself about investing. I have dabbled in it and now I want to learn it and then teach it to my kids.
3. Streamline and simplify my home and life. I would like to spend time purging files and toys and lots of expectations.
4. Have a ton of fun with family and friends. I doubt I will look back fondly on the summer of 2011 as the year I completed goals 1-3, but I may remember goal number 4!
I have been spending time lately with women who are avid gardeners. As I look at their lovely flowers and vegetable beds, I think, “I should garden more.” (Or more accurately, I should start one).
I have noticed women whose shoes, purses, jewelry, outfits, and nail polish are stylish and coordinated and I think, “I should shop more.”
I have been reading women’s blogs that are monetized and are followed and retweeted by hundreds and I think, “I should blog more.”
I hear about homeschooling moms who follow a prescribed curriculum or schedule religiously, go on fascinating field trips, or have their children in any number of impressive classes and I think, “I should school more.”
I look at recipes using organic, home-ground, probiotic ingredients and I think, “I should cook from scratch more.”
I check out beautiful handmade clothing, afghans, photos, and scrapbooks and I think, “I should craft more.”
I see picture-perfect closets and spaces and I think, “I should organize more.”
At various times, I consider that I should be serving more, writing more, playing tennis more, selling more, speaking more, entertaining more, producing more, reading more, playing with the kids more, cleaning more, praying more, investing more, exercising more, and even relaxing more.
As I consider all the things I think I should be doing more of, I am overwhelmed and insecure. Can you relate? As I sought the Lord’s counsel on what more I ought to be doing, I was reminded that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He whispered to me that I could let some of my burdens go. (Bye bye garden!) I was reminded that I am more than enough for Him.
What burdens do you feel the Lord calling you to let go because you are more than enough for Him?
As Jesus is the One Who has given us all of our time, we ought to give Him the first fruits of it. For me, this means regularly having devotions the first part of the day. Spending time with the Lord became very easy for me when I chose to spend the time in a way I enjoy. I like variety, but right now, I read several devotionals, then a chapter of the Bible or two, and end with prayer.
Putting Jesus first doesn't just mean giving Him our time; it also means asking Him what He would have us do with our time. I have come to enjoy my alone time with God so much that I can get a little cranky when my husband crashes the party! But I know that Jesus' desire is that I devote my time to my husband as well because the O in JOY is for
Others
We know from Jesus' example that we are to put others before ourselves. If I have done what I know the Lord would have me do, then I can ask myself what my husband would have me do. I can even ask him directly! Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page about what needs to be done for the most part. Some days, however, I must admit that he would rather have me do laundry when I'd rather be reading. You single ladies, take note!
After doing things that would please my husband, I can decide if my children are in need or would be particularly blessed by something I could do. Some mornings, breakfast is all the blessing I can muster! But on other days, I may decide that I've put off doing a craft or just playing with them long enough. I have a large family, but I need to consider the needs of other family members, friends, and co-workers as well. Any commitments I have made to others should come before my to-do's.
Yourself
Finally, we can think about ourselves. You might be wondering how on earth we can be all things to everyone who needs us and still have time to do anything for ourselves! Some days that's a real challenge for me. But here is the blessing.
First, spending time with the Lord and giving to others is the best thing I can do for me. My energy and mood are renewed. Second, God can guide us in what to do for others and when. He doesn't expect us to run around serving everyone. Sometimes the best way to serve others is to allow them to depend on God or learn to meet their own needs. He gives us the discernment we need when we need it. Third, some seemingly selfish activities are actually serving the Lord and others, too. For example, my husband loves it when I exercise and the kids love having an energetic, less-stressed mom as a result.
How can we use TODAY, TOMORROW, and TOWARD together with JOY for deciding what to do on any given day? Here's how your to-do list might look:
What would Jesus have me do today?
What do my husband, kids, friends, co-workers/boss need me to do for them today?
What do I need to do for me today?
What would Jesus have me do today to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What would my husband, kids, friends, co-workers have me do to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
Who do I need to do for myself today in advance of tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What goals or dreams would Jesus have me work toward today?
What goals or dreams would the people I love and work with want me to help them work toward today?
What goals or dreams do I want to work toward today?
Some days, you may spend all day on #1, but you won't be sorry like you would be if you just web surfed the day away. Give the JOY method a try!
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
