How to Trust God with Your Kids: The Trust Project

How to Trust God with Your Kids: The Trust Project

If you have been engaged in the Trust Project with me, you’ll love this month’s focus: kids.

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Trusting God with Health & Safety: Review

Before we dive into the topic of trusting God with our kids, let’s talk about how trusting God with health and safety went.

If you suddenly had all kinds of reasons to fear for your health and safety,

you’re doing something right.

If you have no challenges in this area, you won’t grow your faith. You won’t learn to trust God more if everything is going well.

This last month, I had a number of troubling physical symptoms. I also frequently had to ride in the car with my husband at the wheel. Did I perfectly trust God? No. But did I grow in my trust? Yes! I would say dramatically so. I kept thinking about the Trust Project as my top priority. It kept me from fretting, researching dread diseases,, and signaling to my husband that he was about to kill us all.

One thing I learned last month is that I needed to make an addition to our Trust Project and the printables I created to go along with it. If you’re a subscriber, you automatically received these updated forms in your inbox. If you’re not a subscriber, you can request to be by clicking the button below.

What is the needed addition? First, we need to ask ourselves the benefits of trusting God in each area. What are the benefits of trusting God with my kids? I will have far less anxiety. I can enjoy good times without them being sullied by worry. My kids will feel more confident and have more trust in God too. They won’t be annoyed by my unnecessary worry. What benefits will you gain by trusting God with your kids?

The next addition is to ask ourselves what we will stop and start doing if we are trusting God in this area. With my kids, I will start assuming that my kids are safe. I will assume that God will guide them and protect them. I will believe the best about them and for them. I will stop believing that they will have an accident or be crime victims or will make poor choices. I will believe that my kids are in God’s hands and that that is safer for them than being in my hands. What will you stop doing with respect to your kids?

Finally, I have added a section for us to ask ourselves what trusting God in this area would look like. For me, it would look like praying about my kids instead of worrying about my kids. It would look like enjoying them and my times away from them without worry. It would look like peace in knowing that if God wants me to act, He will make that clear. That last part makes me emotional. The enemy wants us to believe that our kids will die or make a terrible, life-altering choice and it will be all our fault. This feeds into the worrying and the hovering, doesn’t it?

Truth in Trusting God with Our Kids

Now let’s move into our TRUST acronym. T is for truth. What is the truth about God and our kids? Our Scripture to meditate on is Matthew 18:10: “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” Did you catch that? Our kids have angels in heaven watching over them and protecting them. Of course, God is also watching over them, but in His lovingkindness, He has also given our beloved children into the care of these heavenly beings. These angels will prevent accidents, crime, and even self-harm when we aren’t there. What a wonderful image!

Our biblical account is from Mark 10:13-16:

13 People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” 16 And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

God loves our kids so much, more than we do. What a reassuring truth that is.

The next part of truth is addressing lies we believe in this area. One of the lies I’ve believed is that God will take one or more of my children from me to make me better or stronger. That belief comes from the lie that God is really not good. It IS true that my kids may go to heaven before I do. But it won’t be because God is callously trying to make me a better person. That’s a lie. If God does permit any of my kids to die prematurely, I can know that He has a good purpose, that it is not to harm me or my child. And I can know that His grace and strength would allow me to survive that loss. I don’t have to prepare for that day that may never come. I’ll have all the grace when I need it.

Remembering in Trusting God with Our Kids

The R in TRUST is for remembering. How has God proved Himself trustworthy with your kids? I made so many mistakes with my kids’ safety when they were babies. I left a knife in the dishwasher that my baby grabbed and cut himself with, for example. But God has delivered my kids from accidents of their own making, too. My 22-year-old had a biking accident that fractured his skull near the base of his neck. It could have killed or paralyzed him, but it did not. My college son needed an internship this summer and was having trouble finding one. I had no time to help him. I gave it to the Lord. Sure enough, he has one!

Understanding in Trusting God with Our Kids

The U in TRUST is for understanding. In some cases, we already understand what the Lord’s will is. We just need to act on it. As I write, I have just learned that my daughter was exposed to whooping cough. I don’t know if she will develop it, but I know what the treatment is. If she develops symptoms, we’ll get her to the doctor and we’ll trust God for her healing. Worrying about it isn’t trusting God.

Supplication in Trusting God with Our Kids

The S in TRUST is for supplication. We pray. I have my kids on a regular rotation in my prayer app. I pray for their faith, their work, their studies, their health, and their relationships. We can also ask others to pray. When I found out about the whooping cough exposure, I immediately asked friends to pray.

Thanksgiving in Trusting God with Our Kids

The final T in TRUST is for thanksgiving. I have to tell you a story about a dear older friend of mine. One of her children (her only son) died of cancer when he was just 16. The Lord has sustained her through that loss in a supernatural way. But two weeks after he had died, she found one of his shirts in the laundry. She didn’t know why it would be there. She felt this spirit of darkness and despair descend on her. She recognized it and she refused it. She put her son’s shirt on and began to praise the Lord. Thanksgiving and praise can defeat the enemy’s lies about our children.

I am so thankful for my children’s health, faith, and family relationships. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have been given the opportunity to be their mom, flawed and imperfect as I am. If I were to die today or all my children were taken home in one disaster, how could I, like Job, not give thanks to God for these blessed 23 year of parenting? Take time today to give thanks for the children you’ve been given.

I have many projects on my plate, as I’m sure you do. But I believe the Trust Project is the most important of all. I would love for you to share the project with the people you know who need to believe God for their deliverance and joy.

Next month, we’ll talk about trusting God with single parenting and marriage.

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6 Parenting Traps That Prevent Homeschool Success

6 Parenting Traps That Prevent Homeschool Success

Avoiding these six parenting traps can help you have a more successful homeschool year. Scroll down to determine if you’ve fallen victim to any of these parenting faux pas.

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Parenting Trap #1: No discipline plan

The first one is the most important. If you don’t have a discipline plan for your homeschool, you will struggle. Having disobedient, unresponsive kids is the number one complaint I hear from homeschooling parents. Nothing has the capacity to waylay your homeschool plans like not having a plan for discipline.

Without a discipline plan, disrespect and disregard for parents’ authority are explained away as a result of a child’s immaturity, a stage, or a diagnosis like Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Failure to respond to kids’ tests of your authority, for whatever reason, is a recipe for disaster. A child who isn’t disciplined feels unloved. I have had kids tell me this word for word. A child who isn’t disciplined will struggle in school, career, and relationships. Their risk of imprisonment is high, and their life expectancy is low. God commands us to discipline children for a good reason.

Choosing the wrong discipline plan is ineffective too. There are parents who have no discipline plan because they don’t understand the importance of discipline. However, there are parents who do understand the need to discipline. They adopt a plan they read in a book or hear about from someone else. But it doesn’t work. So they typically flail around trying to find a plan that will work.

I was firmly in this second camp. I did discipline my kids, but I was constantly trying plans that weren’t a good fit for me and my family. I would create a chart of consequences that I really didn’t agree with and truth be told, knew I wouldn’t implement. So I felt like a failure and my kids knew they could get away with misbehavior, as long as it wasn’t disrespect.

My discipline plan now is to tell my child that I will get back to them with the consequence. At times, I know what I want to do. I will fine them, take away a privilege, or make them work for me to pay me back for the time they’ve cost me. But when I don’t know, I no longer have the anxiety of wondering what the right consequence is. I can calm down, pray about it, discuss it with my husband, and give the consequence. I have older children and infractions aren’t commonplace.

If you have young children, decide how you’re going to discipline the common issues now. Come to agreement with your spouse. One strategy I commonly recommend is from Dr. Kevin Lehman’s Have a New Kid by Friday. If your child misbehaves, the next time he or she wants something, the answer is no. It works.

Develop a discipline plan or you risk losing your temper. If you struggle with anger in your parenting, listen to the podcasts I did on this topic.

Parenting Trap #2: Excusing a child from discipline for special circumstances

The second trap is related to the first. It’s deciding to give a child a pass on discipline because of special circumstances. Perhaps your child has special needs, has had an illness, or has had parents divorce. The effect of having no discipline is much more of a handicap than any physical, emotional, or social struggle your child may have. The story of Helen Keller is an excellent example.

I feel sorrier for children who aren’t disciplined than those who have some type of disability. If you have more than one child and you aren’t sure if you are neglecting discipline with one of them, ask your other children. They’re likely to tell you that you aren’t correcting misbehavior when you should be. Discipline does not mean being angry, harsh, or unkind. It means correcting and training in appropriate behavior. Even children with developmental disabilities can be trained to respect others and the rules you have in your family.

Parenting Trap #3: Not requiring chores

The third parenting trap that will limit your homeschool success is not requiring your kids to do chores. I have had parents be amazed by my kids’ chore chart or ask me how to make kids do chores.

Chores give kids self-esteem, important life skills, and teach discipline. If you don’t expect your children to do age-appropriate chores, you are denying them an important learning opportunity.

[An Easy Free Chore Checklist That Works]

I’m often asked how to get young children to pick up toys. First, give kids a warning of when you’ll clean up. Even better, make picking up a part of your routine. Routines get much less flack than unexpected clean-ups.You may want to use music to motivate. And most importantly, have a happy, energetic attitude about doing chores. I often used my hand to guide little ones in picking up until they got into the spirit.

With older kids, I have found that changing the way we do chores regularly keeps the kids motivated. Just about any approach can work for a while.

Parenting Trap #4: No screen-time limits

Parenting trap #4 that can interfere with homeschool success is not having limits on screen time. I am not going to prescribe what those boundaries are, but if you allow screen time when chores aren’t complete and school work isn’t done, you’re going to have problems. If screen time keeps your kids up late so they’re too tired to do anything else, you’re going to have a problem with that too.

Decide on a policy that works for your family. We have had a lot of policies over the years. We only allowed gaming on weekends. We only allowed gaming on special occasions. We have had time limits and schedules. The best policy for us has been no screen time until other responsibilities are complete. We have only instituted limits at night for our older teens when a problem occurs. If you are interested in alternatives to video games for your kids, listen to the podcast episode I did on that topic.

Parenting Trap #5: Not inspecting what you expect

The 5th parenting trap that can interfere with homeschooling success is not inspecting what you expect. If you decide to make screen time contingent on doing chores, you are avoiding three parenting traps I’ve discussed. Yay you! But if you don’t make sure the chores are actually done before you agree to screen time, you’re likely to be disappointed and even angry. The fact is, our nature is to see what we can get away with. Kids will always test boundaries. If they can get away with not cleaning the bathroom and watching TV, they’ll do it. So, it’s up to us to monitor and check that the work is done. If we do this consistently, we’ll have disciplined kids and we’ll be happy too. I shared in a blog post how I failed to check my kids’ math homework for too long. Let’s just say I wasn’t happy. To help ensure homeschool success, inspect what you expect.

Parenting Trap #6: Not making your marriage a priority

Finally, a parenting trap you may not expect is not making your marriage a priority. When we focus on the kids, their activities, and their lessons, and we have nothing left to give to our spouse, our homeschool is at risk. The #1 reason we will have our homeschool records drug into court is because our spouse is suing us in a divorce.

Giving to your spouse is important to keep him happy. We don’t want him longing for the pre-homeschooling days when he got more of our attention. At the same time, investing in the marriage makes us happy too. The more I withdraw and focus on parenting and homeschooling alone, the worse I feel. Even though my husband doesn’t do the teaching, I rely on him as a colleague in this homeschooling journey. I feel better when we’re close, when I share struggles I’m having with particular kids or classes, and when my husband encourages me.

I hear from many homeschoolers who boo and hiss when date nights are mentioned. The money and help required make them difficult. I understand that. I never saw my parents date when I was a child. Instead, our entire family would go to another’s house to spend time or vice versa. It’s not the alone time we desire, but it allows for adult time. Alone time can be achieved by scheduling it into your day – early, late, or on weekends during naps. Or use screen time to occupy the kids so you can be alone. Listen to the episode I did with my husband on a healthy homeschooling marriage.

Conclusion

If you avoid these six parenting trips of not having a discipline plan, not disciplining a child with special needs, not requiring chores, not setting limits on screen time, not inspecting what you expect, and not making your marriage a priority, you are much more likely to have a successful homeschool year.

Which of these parenting traps has been an issue in your homeschool? Let me know in the comments or on Facebook.

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Teaching Accountability the Painless Way with Chores

Teaching Accountability the Painless Way with Chores

I was given free access to the premium version of a chore management app and was compensated for my time. All opinions are my own.

Teaching Accountability the Painless Way with Chroes

We all want our kids to be responsible people who can care for themselves as adults. One of the best ways to teach responsibility is to require chores. That’s simple enough. You create a list of chores that must be done around your home to keep it functioning and you assign them to children who are old enough to complete them. Your children now have responsibilities that will not only make your life easier but will make them better people.

The Trouble with Teaching Accountability with Chores

If only it were so simple! Giving children chores or responsibilities is meaningless without accountability. There must be some way of determining that the chores are complete. As the saying goes, “You must inspect what you expect.” If you have one child whose sole chore is to feed the dog, it’s easy to check that it’s been done. But accountability becomes much more complex when a child has multiple chores assigned at various times of day in addition to independent school work. When you have multiple children with these responsibilities, teaching accountability with chores becomes PAINFUL.

As a mother of six (three of whom who are grown men living at home at least part of the time), I can tell you how painful it can be to inspect what I expect. I feel like I’m running another small business with six employees who are slacking. I don’t discover until the next day that the trash wasn’t taken out on time. I realize only after a guest has used our bathroom that the toilet hasn’t been cleaned. The failure to complete chores is invariably blamed on another child, who may or may not be available to defend himself. When my husband discovers an incomplete chore, there is a lot of analog communication (aka yelling) to determine who didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

I have used multiple approaches to assigning chores to my kids. All of them work when it comes to determining who is to do what. None of them has helped me with the accountability piece. I don’t have the time or patience to inspect every person’s chores and neither does my husband.

How the Homey App is Teaching My Kids Accountability with Chores

I jumped at the chance to try the Homey App, a chore and allowance app available for iOS and Android. My kids are older now (12 and up) and all of them have mobile devices they use daily. An app for managing chores makes perfect sense for them.

Homey App Family Homey AppHomey has you set up a family account. I added my husband to it as well. Everyone can see from their mobile device who is supposed to do what. If the chore hasn’t been completed, instead of shouting for them to please come do it, we use the family chat feature. Everyone in the family sees the message, allowing them to respond to any blame shifting.

Homey allows your child to provide proof of completion. I am so happy about this benefit of using the Homey App, I could cry. In the past, my child would say, “Yes, I cleaned my room.” Later I would see what looked like a Hoarders before episode going on. As soon as your child marks a chore complete (and you’ve set it up to require photo proof), their device’s camera opens. When it comes to the bathrooms, I am going to start asking my kids for a close-up of the toilet. I receive notifications of their completed chores and the photo proof on my phone. I don’t have to stop what I’m doing and run up a flight of steps ten times to make sure the kids are being accountable with their chores.

Homey allows you to connect an allowance to chores and jobs. I have always given my kids an allowance that isn’t connected to their chores. I require them to use that money to purchase things they want. I deduct money for offenses and incomplete chores. It has been an excellent disciplinary strategy. I had an app I used to manage their money that was discontinued. I started using Penney Owl but never liked it as well as the old app. When I realized that I could transfer the kids’ money to Homey, I was ecstatic. Instead of deducting money for individual chores not being done (which I rarely remembered to do), Homey allows me to set a percentage of chore completion required before the allowance is granted. I can still deduct money for other infractions without having to use multiple apps.

Homey allows me to assign jobs as well. These are responsibilities with a salary that may or may not be ongoing. In the spring, my son will start mowing again and he is paid for that. When my husband says it needs to be done, I’ll assign it to him in Homey and he’ll be paid when it’s complete. If your child has a checking account in the U.S., you can connect Homey with it and make an actual transfer of money, rather than a virtual one.

Unloading the dishwasherwiping the tableOther Reasons I Love the Homey App and You Will Too

Homey automatically rotates chores. My kids hate to be assigned the same chore all the time. They want the chores to be rotated. Homey is hands down, the easiest way to assign rotating chores. It’s not a college-level logic puzzle!

Homey makes it quick to create chores. Homey has built-in chore packs, so you don’t have to come up with them from scratch. You can even save your own list of chores as a pack. Have a chore that is shared or you want assigned as an individual chore to multiple kids? It’s crazy easy to do.

Homey allows you to add school assignments too. While it wouldn’t make sense to schedule a year’s worth of lessons in the Homey app, you can create an assignment as a job with no pay. Here is how I used it. I read the kids their history lesson and then took a picture of the assignment that went with it. I assigned it as a job to each student. The only adjustment you have to make, depending on the age of your child and your preferences, is giving your child permission to complete a job before chores and permission to complete it after it’s due.

Homey helps me stay accountable too. I have assigned myself the clean room task (with photo proof!) and have the task of prayer and Bible time with the rest of the family. I love getting the reminders. This feature can be used for establishing any habit.

Weekly chore list HomeyHomey App AllowanceHomey provides you with a weekly chore list you can print for younger children and other family members not hip on using mobile devices. This print-out could be highlighted or marked with a star by the little helpers.

Homey allows you to teach financial responsibility. Your child can set up a savings goal and can add money to a spend, save, or give jar. I was taking out a giving amount for my kids automatically. Homey will allow them to decide how much to give on their own. I love that!

Download the Homey App Today!

The basic Homey app is free for families with up to three accounts. Homey Unlimited allows the addition of unlimited family members, connection of banking accounts in the U.S. and customizing the app for each child. Homey Unlimited is just $4.99 a month or even less if you pay annually ($49.99). Try out Homey Unlimited free for a week! Be sure to enter to win a year’s subscription to Homey Unlimited below.

In the meantime, follow Homey on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest to learn more tips for teaching accountability with chores.

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A Psychologist’s Response to the Turpin Case: Homeschooling and Child Abuse

A Psychologist’s Response to the Turpin Case: Homeschooling and Child Abuse

I normally don’t address current events or controversial issues on this blog. But news of the torture, captivity, and severe abuse and neglect of the Turpin’s homeschooled children is prompting me to speak out. I don’t have answers for how to prevent every case of child abuse, unfortunately. But I do have information that I think must inform our discussion about the issue and even prompt our action.

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The Turpin case, or child abuse and homeschooling

No doubt you’ve heard some of the horrifying details about the Turpin family in California. This mother and father of 13 children ranging in age from 29 to 2 are accused of starving, abusing, and holding them captive in deplorable conditions. Honestly, the case has given me nightmares. I want to say in no uncertain terms that I am mortified that their registration as a homeschooling family may have been used to allow them to continue abusing their minor and adult children. I am praying for the children and also praying that we can prevent the abuse of more than 600,000 children in the U.S.

I want to share my background with you before I launch into the topic. I am a clinical psychologist, not currently practicing. As a mandated reporter of abuse, I am familiar with the definition and signs of abuse. What I am also familiar with in this case is how to evaluate research and statistics. I have the added experience of having homeschooled my children for 19 years.

An estimated 3% of school-age children are being homeschooled in the United States for a total of about two million students. These are not exact numbers because not all homeschoolers are required to register themselves as such.

Is child abuse among homeschoolers a “widespread problem”?

In the L.A. Times, Rachel Coleman and Kathryn Brightbill wrote that the Turpin case is indicative of a widespread problem of abuse in homeschooling families. They list several examples of not just abuse but torture by families who claimed to be homeschooling. Ms. Coleman and Brightbill, as staff members for the website ResponsibleHomeschooling.org, are privy to a database they have created of examples of severe child abuse occurring in families who again, claim to be homeschooling. They admit that they have no statistically signifcant data that suggests homeschooling families abuse children at higher rates than non-homeschooling families.

However, I understand their perception that the problem is widespread. The details of these cases are disturbing and heart-rending. It’s their passion to protect these children that fuels their mission. Even one incidence of this type of severe abuse of a homeschooled child feels like too many.  That being said, I still object to their use of the phrase “widespread problem.” It implies that it’s commonplace for homeschoolers to torture their children when there’s no evidence of that.

To protect homeschooled children from potential abuse, Coleman and Brightbill argue that states should require academic assessments and medical exams. They insist that lack of contact with mandated reporters is what creates the possibility for families like the Turpins to torture and severely abuse. When considering their recommendation, these are the concerns I have.

First, would this increased supervision of all homeschooling families prevent child abuse?

I recently read a description of one of the Turpins’ daughters attending school in the third grade. The filth of her clothes, the body odor she had, and her use of a candy bar wrapper as a hair band suggest that she was being neglected at the very least while attending school. Details are emerging, but I have read nothing which suggests the Turpins were previously investigated for child abuse while at least one of their children was in school. The LA Times further reports that none of the children had seen a doctor in four years. Were any of the children seen by a physician four years ago and yet not reported as being victims of abuse? My point is that mandated testing and physicals may not have protected the Turpins and may not protect other children. Couldn’t these families also move as the Turpins did and avoid mandatory evaluations?

I can imagine Coleman and Brightbill arguing that if more cases of child abuse were reported, their suggested legal requirements are worth it. But is that true? In 2012, 30 states reported that 8.5% of child abuse fatalities occurred in families who had received family services. Here is an example of one such child. These are child deaths and not data on continuing abuse. We can imagine continued abuse in reported families occurs frequently.

There is no guarantee that had the Turpins been reported that their children would have been protected. That’s especially true given the current state of the foster care system. Caseworkers are typically overwhelmed by the number of children under their supervision. There is also alarming evidence of high rates of child abuse within foster care homes. The stress of being removed from one’s home can further traumatize a child. The Turpin children and others subject to severe abuse have to be removed for their own safety, regardless of the added challenge of adjusting to a new home and potentially being separated from some siblings. But it’s important to understand that removing children from an abusive home doesn’t always have a happy ending.

I don’t think we have an answer to the question of whether increased supervision of all homeschooling families would prevent child abuse.

My second question is whether the potential benefit of required supervision offsets the infringement of all homeschooling families’ rights.

It’s possible that mandated testing and medical exams could create a new category of victims — children inappropriately forced to attend public school or removed from their homes and put into a foster care system that could truly victimize them.

What if a homeschooled child has special needs and is actually doing well in a homeschool setting but doesn’t test at an average or above level on standardized tests? Will these children be required to enroll in public school? If so, will they be released to their homes if their scores decline? I think we know the answer to that. Will the same policy be applied to private school students who aren’t scoring as well as the government deems acceptable? If not, why not? There are many small, private schools where educational neglect could be hidden.

The Atlantic reports: “Since 2008, the number of referrals to child protective service agencies…has increased by 8.3 percent, even as overall rates of actual child victimization declined by 3.3 percent during the same period. There is no system that can totally avoid putting parents who don’t deserve it through investigations, despite the fact that even the best moms and dads would regard the ordeal as nightmarish. Over time, however, the number of undeserving parents so burdened seems to be increasing–and the number is large.”

There are a number of horror stories about parents apparently innocent of abuse having their children taken from them without cause. Do we want to put the parents of two million homeschooled children through an evaluative process every year to make them prove that they are not abusing their children? Will we also do the same to parents of all young children being reared at home? The highest rate of child abuse is among infants with over 1/4 of abused children being under age three. If this would be a requirement of homeschoolers only, what justification is there for that? The biggest risk factors for child abuse are alcohol and drug abuse and domestic violence. These risk factors are not correlated with homeschooling.

And who would evaluate homeschooling parents? Might they be anti-homeschooling or of the opinion that a religious upbringing or conservative political views constitute abuse in and of themselves? Such opinions are not rare. In fact, a fundamental belief of all homeschoolers is that their children are theirs to raise and not the State’s. Wouldn’t mandated supervision suggest that we have to qualify as homeschoolers to raise the State’s children?

I’m concerned about legally required oversight of homeschoolers and I don’t think my concerns are unfounded.

The third issue I want to discuss with respect to child abuse and homeschooling is children’s safety at school.

The assumption of Coleman and Brightbill appears to be that homeschooled children have a better chance of avoiding abuse if they can be exposed to mandated reporters of abuse, teachers being one class of them. I understand this view. Parents who torture their children want to isolate them. Teachers could recognize signs of abuse and neglect and could contact Child Protective Services.

But does the risk of the school environment offset this potential benefit? More than one out of every five school children is bullied. In fact, the Turpin girl was reportedly bullied in third grade. We are all familiar with high-profile cases of bullied students committing suicide and even responding to their bullying by shooting their fellow students at school. There have been a reported 11 school shootings in the U.S. in the last three-and-a-half weeks, though that statistic has been disputed. Regardless of the dispute, one might even refer to school shootings as a widespread problem.

Bullying and school shootings aren’t the only abuse school kids are subject to. A frightening 1 in 10 students has been the victim of sexual abuse at the hands of school personnel. Using the rationale of Coleman and Brightbill, we ought to require mental health evaluations of all students and staff to prevent this type of abuse. I haven’t heard any calls for this kind of monitoring, however.

How I think we should respond to the Turpin case and child abuse.

I don’t want any child to be abused or bullied. Like Coleman and Brightbill, I want to protect children. I believe they are precious to Jesus. The challenge is how to do that without victimizing even more people.

These are some steps I feel confident in advocating:

Get to know at-risk families and extend kindness to them. Experts tell us that most child abuse is neglect and neglect is highly associated with low income. Many families don’t have the education they need to parent effectively. They also don’t know the resources available to them. A mom has no idea where to get affordable childcare so she leaves her 9-year-old in the park near her workplace. You can offer encouragement and help in talking with neighbors or you can serve at-risk families through a ministry. In my area, Nurses for Newborns provides education and baby supplies during home visits that have been shown to be very effective in preventing abuse. Support organizations like this in your area with your time and money.

If you believe a child is in danger, make a report to Child Protective Services. You will not be held responsible if your report is determined to be unfounded. Professionals like psychologists are mandated reporters, but we should all consider ourselves mandated reporters when a child is at risk of serious harm. Here are signs to look for.

Get to know your neighbors as a homeschooler. In the aftermath of the Turpin case, people who don’t know us well may be suspicious of homeschoolers who are very private. If you are a Christian as I am, you are to be serving your neighbors anyway. People need to see that our kids are healthy and well-adjusted. Talk about what you’re doing in your homeschool. Many still don’t understand that most homeschoolers have a great deal of social contact through various activities and classes. We want to advocate for homeschooling instead of living in fear of being reported for doing so. Joining HSLDA is a good step to protect yourself from unwarranted reports of neglect. You can relax and be open about your family’s educational choice.

Get help. If you are having trouble disciplining your children without being harsh or your mental or physical health is keeping you from educating your children, reach out for help. Yes, you may have to make a different educational choice while you are getting help, but it’s worth the sacrifice for your kids’ sake. There are many options available to you and it doesn’t mean you can’t resume homeschooling in the future.

A potential legal change to consider

Coleman and Brightbill report that some abusive parents remove their children from school to “homeschool” them. The result, according to victims’ reports, is intensified abuse. This is likely the case for the Turpins. Abusive parents realize they can avoid detection by claiming to homeschool. Coleman and Brightbill argue that parents who have been reported for child abuse should have to be evaluated when they choose to homeschool.

These abusive parents often are not homeschooling but they claim to be, creating an association with homeschoolers that is a problem for genuine, caring homeschooling parents. While I can see the potential for a teacher making an unfounded report of abuse that then makes homeschooling onerous for a good family, I believe the benefits for children and even the homeschool community may outweigh that risk.

What’s your response to the Turpin case? Let me know in the comments.

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How to Get Past Homeschool Mom Guilt

How to Get Past Homeschool Mom Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty as a homeschool mom? If you’re anything like me, you’re well acquainted with guilt. How can we get past the guilt that plagues us?

How to get past homeschool mom guilt #momguilt

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The Purpose of Guilt

Before we can think about ways to get past guilt, we need an understanding of how guilt is to function in our lives. Guilt is like a warning light designed to get us back on track. When that warning indicator is functioning correctly, we can make the changes we need to make and that indicator will disappear. If you’ve ever had a car like I have that has an indicator that goes off inappropriately or constantly, you know how annoying it can be. Sometimes our guilt is not an accurate indicator. When we’ve clearly done something wrong, guilt can drive us to apologize or change our behavior. But inappropriate guilt is like that annoying, always-on indicator in the car. We try to ignore it, but we often wonder if there really is a problem we need to address. Inappropriate guilt takes our focus off of what we need to be doing.

If a warning light on my car keeps going off, I can take my car to the shop and have it tested. The problem can either be fixed or the indicator can be turned off. But what do we do about guilt that keeps popping up? There’s no guilt shop to go to, or is there?

My contention is that if we allow God’s Word to diagnose our guilty indicator, we will often find either a quick solution or discover that our guilt is the only real problem. When we allow the world’s standards to determine whether our guilt is a real problem or not, we will likely drive through our homeschooling lives constantly feeling guilty.

Now that we understand the problem of guilt in our lives, what do we do about it?

The first thing we can do is confess.

If we have done something that God’s Word would say is worthy of guilt, the next step is confession. We are to confess our guilt to God, but we may not want to stop there. We may need to confess our guilt to our families, our friends, or anyone who has been affected by our behavior.

Confession makes sense if our behavior is worthy of guilt, but what if it isn’t? Confession can also work in that circumstance. When we confess to our spouse or our homeschooling friends something we feel guilty about, these godly individuals can help us discern whether the guilt is appropriate or not. My husband has been wonderful in helping me determine appropriate versus inappropriate guilt. He will reason with me and help me release inappropriate guilt. However, he has also pointed me toward changing when he feels my guilt is appropriate. Talking with my homeschooling friends and determining that the standards I have for myself are much too high has also been a very effective way for me to release inappropriate guilt. I highly recommend it. I’ve seen the moms in our HomeschoolScopes.tv Facebook group do this for one another.

I’d like to share a personal example with you. I have sometimes felt guilty that my children don’t have as many friends as kids in school do. My homeschooling mom friends have helped me to let go of that guilt. Children don’t require a large number of friends and I am providing my kids with the best education I can in the most loving, social environment possible.

Do the good you ought to do.

The second way we can get past guilt is to do the good we ought to do. We can instantaneously feel better by making even a small step in the right direction. If you know the right thing is to teach your children their math facts and you’ve been avoiding it and feeling guilty, the easiest way to get past the guilt is to go over those math facts. In fact, doing something you’re reluctant to do, for whatever reason, is much less painful than living with the guilt. Think about what one small step you could take in the right direction that would relieve your guilt and take it today. Don’t put it off!

Of course, if you are suffering with inappropriate guilt, then acting on that guilt is not the right step to take. After spending time in prayer, reviewing God’s word, and confessing your guilt to people you trust, discern whether or not you are suffering from inappropriate guilt. If you are, continue with the remaining steps.

Avoid situations that encourage inappropriate guilt.

Step three is to avoid situations that encourage inappropriate guilt. It’s harder to avoid the situations that lead to an errant indicator in your car, but it is possible to avoid them as homeschooling moms. Is there a certain someone who makes everything from scratch, does elaborate science experiments, or is one of those homeschooling wonder women? If so, you may need to avoid her until you get your inappropriate guilt under control. Likewise, you may need to take a break from social media. The perfect Pinterest Photoshopped images may give you guilt. If understanding that these images don’t represent real life doesn’t relieve your guilt, take a break from Pinterest. Do the same with Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube.

Consider who you are in the body of Christ.

The next step is to consider who you are in the body of Christ. I have a sister-in-law who shares the Gospel with nearly every person she meets. Numerous times I have felt guilty that my witnessing is paltry in comparison. But then I go to God’s Word and I am in prayer and I discover that God has given each of us a part to play. We are not all called to the same works. Imagine if we were! What a mess it would be. I can feel good about who God created me to be and the part He created me to play. I don’t have to compete with my sister-in-law’s way of witnessing or feel guilty when I don’t even try. Think about the gifts, talents, and interests you have. Would you want your loved ones to feel guilty if they don’t share those? I’m sure the answer is no. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love and let go of the guilt.

Lower your standards.

The fifth step is lower your standards. I had a friend whose defibrillator fired in her chest when her heart rate reached a certain level. That firing understandably caused pain and anxiety. Her doctor determined that the standards set for the defibrillator needed to be changed. It shouldn’t have fired. Like that defibrillator, some of us have to change our standards so as to avoid pain, anxiety, and guilt. One of the most common reasons for our standards being too high is that we don’t really believe we are acceptable. We haven’t fully trusted in the finished work of Jesus Christ in our lives. For most of us, this is subconscious. We are working and trying and striving as I discussed in my post on when strivings cease. The result is anxiety, stress, and guilt.

One of the most stressful situations for a homeschooler is being evaluated. Some homeschoolers are evaluated every year in their state, while others are never evaluated unless there is a legal problem. Imagine how you would feel if your homeschool had been evaluated and certified as fully acceptable. I believe in that case, we would feel free to homeschool without fear or guilt. While our homeschools probably haven’t been certified by an outside agency, we can know that we are fully acceptable to God–not because of anything we’ve done but because of what Jesus has done. He continues to work in us and through us and because He does, we can have freedom from inappropriate guilt. We can homeschool with peace and joy, knowing He is in control of our homeschool.

Homeschool in love.

The final tip I want to share with you for getting past guilt is homeschooling in love. It’s hard to make homeschool decisions. We often don’t know what the priority is, what the best classes or curriculum are, or how we should be spending our time.  But love is always the right choice. When our homeschooling is done in love for God, for our families, and even for ourselves, we will be free from guilt. Let me explain that last part about loving ourselves. Genuine love should provoke no guilt. Love means providing the same time, opportunities, and gifts to ourselves that we would provide to anyone we love. Feeling guilt over taking time alone, to be with friends, or to engage in hobbies that renew us makes no sense because these things enable us to love others. Jesus never appeared to feel guilty over resting or being alone.

Allowing ourselves to be ruled by inappropriate guilt can lead to physical, emotional, and spiritual dysfunction. If we do not take steps to get past guilt, whether that is appropriate or inappropriate guilt, we do our families, our friends, and our Lord a disservice. We don’t model a healthy approach to guilt and we do not fulfill God’s purposes for our lives and our homeschools.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it is possible to get past guilt. When guilt is appropriate, we can confess it and make changes. We can feel instant relief. When guilt is inappropriate, we can avoid situations that encourage guilt, consider our role in the body of Christ, lower our standards, and focus on homeschooling in love — including loving ourselves.

What makes you feel the most guilty as a homeschool mom and which of these steps is most likely to help you get past it?

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How to Encourage Mental Toughness in Your Children

How to Encourage Mental Toughness in Your Children

How can we encourage mental toughness in our children and why does it matter?

How can we encourage mental toughness in our children? #christianparenting

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First let’s define mental toughness. For our purposes mental toughness is being able to cope with and adapt to the challenges of life. We already know from the Bible that we will have trouble. So we are preparing our children for the inevitable. We want our kids to be strong in the Lord. We don’t want them to crumble at the first sign of adversity. I say that we can encourage mental toughness because I don’t believe this is a formal subject for which a curriculum or even a lecture is appropriate. Instead we have to encourage it as we live.How can we do that?

Allow children to experience natural consequences

I believe the first way we can encourage mental toughness in our children is to allow them to experience the natural consequences of their actions. As tenderhearted mothers, we often cringe at the potential for our children to suffer. We don’t want them to know the pain of their choices and would prefer to give them second and third and fourth chances. The problem, of course, is that children will never learn to make better choices if we shield them from the natural consequences.

I have an example for you. On multiple occasions my children have signed up to participate in things by their own choice. Later on, this same child of mine has decided that they didn’t feel like continuing to participate or participating on a certain day. They weren’t concerned that their teammates and coach or activity organizer was depending on them. The natural consequence is that I refused to shield them from was having to do something that they no longer wanted to do. Of course, as I allowed my kids to experience this type of natural consequence, I was also teaching them Christian character. They learn loyalty and faithfulness and commitment.

Anytime our children make a choice, there will be consequences, both positive and negative. It’s important that we refuse to protect them from the negative consequences unless they are truly destructive. You will have to pray and use your parental discernment about which natural consequences your child should have to endure. Our decision should always be loving and never abusive. But always keep in mind that the difficult consequences your children face will make them stronger.

Encourage children to take responsibility

The second way we can encourage mental toughness in our children is by insisting they take personal responsibility. A refusal to take responsibility for our own choices and mistakes goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. We shouldn’t panic if our child has a propensity to shift blame to others, because it is the human condition. However, we should not allow our children to shift blame without rebuke. Even when someone else’s choice or the circumstances were a contributor, our children need to take responsibility for their part in a bad situation. Did your child participate in the appearance of evil? Did your child stand by as someone else did something wrong?

Encouraging your child to take personal responsibility is an easy thing to do when it comes to team sports. If your child has the habit of blaming other players, the coach, or the conditions for their errors, ask your child to own up to their mistakes. At the same time, it’s important to teach children that admitting to mistakes does not mean they are unloved or without value. Some children believe that if they admit to doing wrong, it means they are worthless. In fact, some adults believe this as well and it explains why many people refuse to apologize. Instead, remind your child that everyone makes mistakes. And not just mistakes, but sinful choices. God has already offered us the solution for this. Our sins do not keep us out of fellowship with him or out of fellowship with one another if we admit them and ask for forgiveness. This is likely a lesson that will need to be repeated multiple times.

Teach children to feel the fear and do it anyway

The third way we can encourage mental toughness is to teach our kids to feel the fear and do it anyway. Anxiety is very uncomfortable. It makes sense that we as parents don’t want our kids to feel uncomfortable. This is particularly the case if we have our own anxieties. But keeping our kids from feeling the fear and doing it anyway will make the fear grow bigger. You may want to listen to the episode I did on anxious homeschoolers.

[LISTEN TO HELP FOR ANXIOUS HOMESCHOOLERS]

Anxiety that isn’t challenged will spread to more and more situations. You may think that it is better not to have your child do the public speaking assignments for your co-op. But soon your child will be balking at other assignments that tap into his social anxiety. You will be doing your child a great service to encourage your child to feel the fear and do it anyway.

In order to do that, we have to give our kids the tools they need to cope with anxiety. Those tools will likely include meditation on Scripture that relates to trusting God, taking deep breaths, relaxation training, and mental imagery in which your child practices relaxation. Our kids need to know that avoiding anxiety will make it worse.

Teach children how to control their thoughts

Related to encouraging our kids to confront their fears is the truth that we are capable of controlling our thoughts. As parents, we want to discuss with our children the importance of taking thoughts captive. Many thoughts will come to us briefly that are not within our control. But once we have the thought, we are capable of controlling it. The Bible tells us to take every thought captive and to bring it into obedience to Christ. We can do this or we wouldn’t be given this directive. We can also renew our minds. I encourage you to read about my post on the topic.

[HOW TO RENEW YOUR MIND THROUGH TRUTH JOURNALING]

We do not have to accept the thoughts we have that are lies. Sometimes writing those thoughts down enables us to combat them with the truth more easily. The mental battle our children will have when dealing with challenging circumstances is the most important one. When our child believes a lie about her circumstances she is likely to respond with a negative emotion, which will in turn affect her behavior. Mental toughness is developed by being a disciplined thinker. For more on controlling thinking, read about black-and-white thinking in your homeschool.

[BLACK-AND-WHITE THINKING IN YOUR HOMESCHOOL]

Model mental toughness

The fifth important way we can encourage mental toughness in our children is to model it. If we refuse to accept the natural consequences of our choices, if we refuse to accept personal responsibility for our behavior, if we refuse to feel the fear and do it anyway, and if we persist in thinking and meditating on lies, our children will not develop the mental toughness that will be such an asset to them in the future. We must work on our own mental toughness in this regard. Furthermore, we have to be talking with our children about the challenges we are dealing with. Talk with them about the situation with as much detail as is appropriate for your children’s ages, and then talk about the strategies you are using to cope. Modeling is incredibly powerful. So many people will share examples of their parents’ mental toughness once they are adults and are reminiscing on their lives. We want them to have plenty of examples of mental toughness to hold onto.

Provide your children with mental toughness role models

Along with modeling, we want to give our children access to other role models. This suggestion is one that we can easily incorporate into our formal homeschooling. I love exposing my children to missionary biographies and Christian historical biographies that demonstrate mental toughness. Reading about men and women who suffer unjustly, rely on their God, and bravely serve despite trying times will instill a desire for mental toughness and a framework for pursuing it for our kids. I love YWAM biographies for this purpose, but books about Esther Kim, Samuel Morris, and Winston Churchill are more of my favorites for giving kids mental toughness role models.

Conclusion

To conclude, I want to give you a picture of the importance of mental toughness. You’ve likely heard the story of the person who wanted to help a butterfly that was struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. The person removed the chrysalis and the butterfly died. The struggle to emerge from the chrysalis is what provides the butterfly with the strength to live. In the same way, we do not want to prematurely remove the struggle from our children’s lives. Our kids are going to be dealing with difficult circumstances, challenging people, and injustice in the future. Like arrows in our quiver, we want them to be sharp enough to wage battle against the enemy in the years to come.

How do you encourage mental toughness in your kids?

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