I’m a psychologist and you’d think I would know better than to make some of the mistakes I’m listing below, but the fact is I have made some. It’s only by the grace of God that I have stopped short of doing most of them with my kids.
I am writing, not out of a sense of superiority, but compassion for the parents and kids who will suffer greatly if changes aren’t made.
If you recognize yourself in many of these examples, know that it is NOT too late. Take the actions I share at the end of this post.
1. Never tell a toddler no.
Even if they kick you, bite you, or run from you.
2. Always give your preschooler what he wants.
Even if it means ignoring other people’s needs and your own.
3. Always make excuses for your child’s bad behavior.
And make sure she hears you say she was just tired or hungry.
4. Always give in to whining and begging.
Say no until they make a scene or bargain with you.
5. Let your child call you names without consequence.
Do not demand the respect of being called Mom or Dad.
6. Let your child disrespect your spouse and other authorities without consequence.
Always take your child’s side.
7. Ignore bad behavior until you explode.
Hit or yell at your child and give them more reason not to respect you.
8. Put your child in so many activities that you never have to spend time with her.
When she complains, tell her that you’re doing it all for her.
9. Never require your child to do chores.
Complain about picking up after them instead.
10. Don’t supervise your child.
Let him use the Internet without guidance and leave home without telling you where he’s going.
11. Give your child expensive gifts to make up for your lack of attention.
Brag about what you bought her to your friends within her hearing.
12. Curse at your child and call him names.
Tell yourself that you are motivating him.
13. Laugh about the idea of your child having sex or using drugs and alcohol at an early age because “kids will be kids.”
Serve alcohol at teen parties and let them go on unchaperoned co-ed trips.
14. Don’t require your teen to work.
Pay for everything he wants.
15. Pay for college even though your child refuses to study.
Keep threatening to make her pay for it, but never follow through.
16. Allow your adult child to live with you rent-free, though they refuse to go to school or get a job.
Blame this behavior on your spouse.
What to Do if You’re Afraid You’re Raising a Spoiled Brat
If you’re afraid you’re raising a spoiled brat, get a copy of How to Have a New Kid by Friday, Parenting Teens with Love & Logic, and listen to my interview with Reb Bradley; see a parent educator or counselor, and ask friends and family members you trust to help hold you accountable. Most importantly? Pray that God would make you the parent He wants you to be.
The weather outside is still frightful where we are, making it hard for kids to get the exercise they need. I’ve talked about ways to give your kids exercise before, but I started thinking that I wanted another option.
I remembered using this workout from Marie Claire on vacation and loving it. I realized it would be a perfect winter workout for kids if I made it into a checklist. This is a routine you can easily do WITH your kids. Here’s what I love about it:
Kids can control the intensity of the workout with pace. Less fit kids can go slower.
It uses only body weight and no equipment besides stairs.
It’s hard. One of the things I don’t understand is why kids’ exercise videos are so easy, they won’t even sweat, when a simple game of tag that kids play all the time is enough to wipe me out.
It’s quick. It takes 20-minutes to do the entire routine or 10 to do just one round.
First let me say that I am not a physician or personal trainer. I didn’t create this routine nor can I say that it’s safe for you or your child. Please make sure you are cleared by your doctors to do these exercises and STOP if you are in pain and not just tired.
If you would like to give your kids (and yourself) a good quick workout during these cold winter days, print it out and give it a try. I laminated mine so kids can check off each step and reuse it. You will need to have a timer of some sort handy (iPods or smart phones work great). Finally, you may want to play some upbeat music! Make it fun and kids will want to keep exercising.
What other ways do you use to keep kids fit in the winter?
The fighting and bickering gets on your nerves at best and scares you at worst. What are you supposed to do?
I’m a psychologist and I’m supposed to KNOW what to do. I’ve tried just about every recommended technique:
Ignoring the fighting as a plea for my attention
Putting the argued-over object into time out
Putting the fighting kids in a room together until they can work things out
Of course, I have used Scripture to admonish and have disciplined cruel behavior.
But it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I was always trying to battle the blaze, instead of trying to prevent these heated arguments in the first place.
While disagreements over toys and turns with kids are inevitable, there was a source of the conflict that I had neglected to “nip in the bud” as my mom liked to say: unkind words.
Oh sure, I chastised them whenever I heard something unkind being said. But I tolerated it like it wasn’t a big deal. It is.
Why We Have to Nip Unkind Words in the Bud
The Bible says that unkind words are:
like sword thrusts (Proverbs 12:18)
likely to stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1)
likely to cause trouble (Proverbs 21:23)
Before Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery (and later regretted it), they were unable to say a kind word to him (Genesis 37:4).
Though we frequently hear about the effect of parents’ unkind words on their children, siblings’ cutting words can be just as devastating.
As parents, I believe we have to take unkind words seriously. We wouldn’t allow our children to jab at their siblings with a sword. Neither should we tolerate unkind words.
The Solution to Sibling Rivalry
While we can’t avoid conflict in our families, we can take steps to stop the verbal abuse that is so destructive.
#1 Have a family discussion.
I can’t stress the importance of this enough. You may be astonished as I was at the level of hurt your children are experiencing because of the words that have been said. Depending on your children’s ages, this could be an emotional conversation. Don’t begin unless you have plenty of time and have removed as many distractions as possible.
Start with Scripture. Share the Scriptures above and retell the story of Joseph and his brothers in your own words. Explain that our family members can hurt us more deeply than anyone, because they know us so well.
Use the butterfly metaphor. Ask your children what would happen if you pressed down fairly lightly on a butterfly’s wings. Explain that in the same way that the butterfly could be wounded by something we take lightly, our siblings can be greatly wounded by our words.
Ask them for examples of words that have wounded them. Make sure they know that they are allowed to share words that Mom or Dad have used that have wounded them as well. Clarify that the discussion is not for the purpose of disciplining anyone. Do not allow anyone to question what your children say hurts them (No “I was kidding!” “You’re so sensitive.” “That didn’t hurt you; you laughed!”). You may hear some really upsetting things. Try not to discourage your kids from getting everything out on the table.
Write everything down. I created a form for this purpose which you can get by scrolling to the end of the post. Please feel free to add your own examples of unkind words. Include words that label the person rather than deal with the behavior and words that suggest mind reading. For example, “You’re so selfish!”; “You always…”; “You did that on purpose!”.
Ask them for behaviors that have been hurtful. You may hear the obvious like hitting or taking toys away, but also the less obvious like not being included. Write these down, too. Again, if you have examples of unkind behavior that your children haven’t mentioned, list them.
Ask them for positive words they would like to hear. As with most problems, the solution isn’t exclusive to eliminating bad behavior, but requires the addition of new behaviors. They may have trouble with this one, so make suggestions like:
“Great job!”
“I like playing with you.”
“You’re getting better at that.”
Ask them for positive behaviors they would like to see. In the same way, it’s important to ask them for positive behaviors they need from their siblings, such as:
Helping with clean up
Being included in play
Sharing
#2 Sign the Kind Words Covenant
Explain the purpose of a covenant. A covenant is a serious agreement between two or more parties. God’s covenant with us as believers is based on grace. Whereas before Christ fulfilled the law and died for our sins, we were unable to overcome our sinful nature and treat our siblings lovingly, now we can. The covenant is the beginning of changing our beliefs about the importance of kind words. Although we know we will make mistakes, we agree to pray regularly for Jesus’ ability to abide by the covenant.
Explain what will happen if the covenant is broken. If unkind words are used, the person who hears them (or is the victim of them) will ask, “What?” or “What did you say?” When your children (or even the adults in your home) are still getting used to the covenant, you may have to repeat the questions, remind them they have broken the covenant, or prompt them further to give an appropriate response to these questions which includes: “What I meant to say was…”; “I take it back.”; and “I’m sorry.” If the response is insincere, say so. The point is not to literally repeat the unkind words, but to realize you have violated the covenant and respond appropriately.
If unkind behavior is the problem, anyone who sees it will ask, “What are you doing?” The appropriate responses are to stop the behavior and apologize.
Ask everyone to sign the covenant. Emphasize the seriousness of the signing. A signature means you are committed to using kind words in your family and are willing to respond as described above if you violate the agreement.
#3 Put the Covenant into Practice
Model what to do when the covenant is broken. At the beginning, everyone will look to you as the parent to see if you take the covenant seriously. Be prepared to say “What?” and encourage appropriate responses a lot. If one child says something unkind and is answered in turn, ask both children what they said–with the intent of getting them to respond correctly and not by repeating the unkind words. You may have to add at first that they have broken the covenant. Remind them to respond this way when you are not there to witness the unkind words. Encourage them to walk away or get help if their sibling doesn’t rephrase their words, take it back, or apologize.
Involve your children’s friends. Explain to children who are in your home that you don’t want to hear unkind words and that when they use them, you will be asking, “What?” or “What did you say?” That is their cue to say, “What I meant to say was…” or “I’m sorry.” You may wish to share this post with your friends so all your children can be on the same page. I found that a significant amount of hurt was related to words shared among friends.
Add to the contract as needed. You will keep finding examples of unkind words and behaviors. Add them to the covenant and review it frequently at first.
Talk with unrepentant children. In the beginning, when hurts are still fresh, you may have one child who is so angry that he refuses to abide by the agreement. At these times, you may want to let your child calm down, give consequences, and/or have a private discussion. Perhaps there is more going on in the relationships than has previously been discussed. Sometimes children feel parents aren’t enforcing the rules equally and you need to be open to hearing your child’s perspective.
If your child still refuses to abide by the covenant, ask him what will happen if you give up on it. Does he really want to go back to relationships that have no limits on unkind words and behavior? Pray with your child and ask God to give him His heart for his brothers and sisters.
Every situation is different and you may need professional help in resolving sibling rivalry in your home. Seek your pastor’s counsel or a referral to a Christian counselor.
I am thankful for the practical tips taken from books on verbal abuse by Patricia Evans. You may wish to read her materials for further understanding of the destructiveness of verbal abuse.
This covenant has been an answer to prayer for my family. I hope it is for yours as well.
If you are already a subscriber to Psychowith6, you will find the covenant in the Subscriber Freebies folder (you received the link when you subscribed). Otherwise, you can get your free copy by clicking the button below: Get the Kind Word Covenant Want more parenting sanity? Be sure to follow my Christian parenting board on Pinterest.
I made dinner for the family and after we ate, my son said, “Thanks, Mom! That was really good!” His siblings chimed in with their thanks and I marveled. While my children have a variety of habits that leave something to be desired, they have had this habit of expressing gratitude to my husband and me for quite some time.
I am delighted by my children’s thankfulness, but I didn’t know where it came from until recently when I decided to ask them, “Why do you say ‘thank you’?” I was surprised by what they had to say. Maybe you will be too.
#1 We’re homeschooled.
“We spend so much time with you,” my son said. “And we aren’t around kids who aren’t thankful.”
I have made it clear to the kids that I homeschool as a sacrifice of my time and money because I love them. I know I had a selfish motivation in telling them this: I didn’t want them to complain about school when it is true that I sacrifice for them everyday. My husband has affirmed this truth to them.
Before jumping to the conclusion that homeschooling means grateful kids, I wonder if the connection is the sincere belief that my husband and I are deserving of gratitude? There are so many hard-working, self-sacrificing parents who don’t homeschool who also feel like they still aren’t giving their kids enough.
What if, regardless of how your children are educated, you communicated your firm belief that you’re deserving of gratitude from them?
#2 You discipline us.
At first I thought my son meant that I punished them for lack of gratitude, but then I remembered watching one episode of Nanny 911 with him. A four-year-old on the show called his mother a witch with a ‘B’ and my son was aghast. I told him at the time that this is what our family would be like without discipline.
When the kids were younger, I do remember promising a consequence for lack of gratitude. We had gone on an expensive, time-consuming outing and the kids were whining about snacks, rather than thanking us. I said that if they weren’t going to be grateful, that we wouldn’t be doing this again.
But that discipline can’t explain the attitude my children have today. Thinking back to Nanny 911, I see gratitude requiring respect. If our children’t didn’t respect us, why would they be thankful to us? And if we didn’t discipline them, why would they respect us?
I’ve gone through all kinds of phases in my beliefs about child discipline, but one thing remains: I believe discipline is the product of love and time.
If you love your child enough to take the time to discipline him, he is more likely to respect you and be grateful to you.
#3 You say ‘thank you.’
If I were asked why I have the habit of expressing gratitude, I would say I learned it from my mom. In this sense, my kids are just carrying on a family tradition.
In another sense, I have tried to be mindful of thanking my children for doing their chores, expressing delight when they do special things for me (and rewarding them with the Caught Being Good app), and thanking their father in front of them.
However, this explanation of why they’re grateful has reminded me to be careful of complaining–something I do too often.
To raise grateful children, say ‘thank you’ often.
#4 We’re Christians.
This explanation of my children’s gratefulness brought tears to my eyes. The attitude was, “Of course we’re grateful!” They didn’t give me a theological exegesis on their gratitude; it was just an obvious connection for them.
While I have taught the Bible, trained character, and taken my children to church, I have no responsibility for this source of gratitude. Honestly, that’s a relief. God has changed my children’s hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit in ways that go beyond expressing gratitude. That truth gives me peace as I deal with other behavior problems.
Regularly pray and ask God to give your children grateful hearts.
Has anything else encouraged gratitude in your children?
Many years ago, I read an article in a Christian parenting magazine about giving children just three gifts each: a gold, frankincense, and a myrrh gift to imitate the gifts that the baby Jesus received from the wise men. With the time and money required to purchase and wrap multiple gifts for each of my six children, I embraced the idea wholeheartedly!
Our tradition is to open these three gifts on Christmas Eve after church. We exchange the same three gifts for the adults as well, while explaining the significance of the gifts for the newborn Savior. I have had fun wrapping the gifts in corresponding papers (gold, white, and normally a deep purple).
If you share our tradition or you’d like to start it, I have some gift ideas to share with you for each type of gift.
Gold
The gold given to the baby Jesus was used to provide for him while He and His parents were in Egypt.
This is usually the easiest category to buy for. This is either the most valuable or most desired gift. If your child has expressed a desire for something, this will be his gold gift. Or you can choose the most valuable (or if your child is young, the largest) gift you plan to give and it will be her gold gift.
If you have no idea where to start, I recommend looking at my list of the 60 Best Christmas Gifts for Kids. These are gifts that my children used and loved the most over 16 years of Christmases. I recommend choosing one of these gifts if you aren’t sure what to buy over the “hot” toys of the season. Most of theses popular toys I’ve purchased have ended up being recycled quickly.
And don’t forget money! My daughter wants money so she can buy her brother’s iPod. Gift cards are an option for gold gifts that teens may appreciate. You may even want to buy stock for children and let them watch how their money (hopefully) grows in value. Investopedia has great advice for giving kids financial gifts. This year, most of my children want an experience gold gift. They are excited about having ski passes for the winter.
Frankincense
Frankincense was used in the temple to impart a fragrant offering to the Lord.
Frankincense gifts have to do with our relationship with God. When the kids were younger, I found every type of Bible toy, video, and game at ChristianBook.com.
For example, I bought this Full Armor of God play set for my two older boys and it lasted through tons of playtime for all the children.
Of course, Bibles and devotionals have been another popular choice for frankincense gifts. I love that you can find Bibles by age and can read reviews of them at ChristianBook.com.
But you can only buy your kids so many Bibles! Other gift ideas are jewelry (for both boys and girls), book lights with Scriptures on them, and Christian t-shirts. Of course, you can find these at ChristianBook.com as well.
One of the more meaningful frankincense gifts I’ve given the children is a gift in their names to other needy children. You can print a picture of the gift given in their honor and wrap it and then discuss what it will mean to the children who receive the gifts. The World Vision catalog is a great option for this.
I have one other idea for frankincense gifts that I haven’t used yet and that is a gift that will enable our children to use their gifts or talents for the glory of God. For example, my son plays guitar for our church, so I have a guitar gift idea for him. Children don’t have to be using their gift at church in order for you to give them a frankincense present that relates to their talent. But it would be a great opportunity to discuss how we invest the talents God has given us.
Myrrh
Myrrh was used for purification of the body (as described in the book of Esther) and for preparation for burial.
Myrrh gifts are gifts for the body. I bought a lot of bath soap for this gift category. When the kids were younger, I included a lot of bath toys, too. Body sprays, lotions, and nail kits also make great gifts for teens. Walmart and Bath & Body Works are my favorite stores for getting deals on these gifts.
But I grew weary of taking the myrrh gift so literally. I began to expand it to include anything to care for the body. The broadest category to expand to is clothing. I had a lot of fun a couple of years buying the kids matching sports team outfits.
Teens usually like clothing, especially if there’s a receipt. A clothing gift card will work if you’re worried. Fun pajamas can be a great gift for younger kids. I loved buying pajamas that did double duty as costumes from Disney. Another clothing idea that was a hit was buying (from the store or a seamstress) matching outfits for my daughter’s My Twinn doll.
Winter is the time of year we redecorate, so when we’ve redecorated the kids’ rooms, their bedding has been their gift. We have also given the kids personalized towels and blankets as gifts.
I have a new idea for the kids’ myrrh gifts this year and that is anything having to do with exercise. A nice water bottle, exercise equipment or DVDs, or a new sports bag would make a great myrrh gift. A Zamzee (a fitness monitor that you can link to rewards) would make a fun myrrh gift as well.
Now over to you. What do you give as gold, frankincense, and myrrh gifts? Let me know in the comments.
My dear friend, Deb, is guest posting today. She joins me on the podcast for a talk on Overcoming Insecurity. Be sure to listen in, snag a free copy of her amazing book for girls of all ages on December 3-5, 2013, and read more about her at the end of this post.
Thanksgiving is behind us. Christmas will be here soon.
Your to-do lists are long. If you’re like most of us, that little seed of panic has been planted, watered, and is starting to grow. Meanwhile, your children’s lists of wants and gimmes grow and grow and grow, too.
Stop and breathe. Pull your panic weed and throw it away. And remember that the key to happiness is not found in more stuff. It’s found in Gratitude.
So, here are my 10 Tips to Grow Gratitude and Increase Happiness in Your Children, and who knows it may just help you a little too.
1. Keep aBlessing Jar – Put a jar on your kitchen table or counter, set a pen and strips of paper nearby, and ask each family member to add one thing each day for which they’re thankful. Make plans to read them Christmas Eve as everyone settles down and prepares for bed. Blessing jars can be used all year. Celebrate a birthday filling the jar with reasons the birthday boy or girl is a blessing. Celebrate events and accomplishments by adding words of thanks and gratitude.
2. SayPlease and Thank you – As soon as your child can talk make the words “please and thank you” part of their vocabulary. Make them important words in your family. A simple family rule can be, “We don’t ask without a please or receive without a thank you.”
3. WriteThank you Note – I know of families who do not allow a gift to be used until the thank you note is sent. That’s actually a pretty good idea. Writing thank you notes is a valuable life lesson that will bless your child long into the future.
4. Care and Share – Another important lesson is teaching your children to take care of what they have . . . how to make things last by keeping them clean and putting them away neatly. A nice thing about teaching them to care for what they have is the ability to share clothing and toys they have outgrown with someone less fortunate. Get them to help you in selecting things to share with others.
5. SimplifyGifting – More and more I read about families who are limiting the number of gifts they give. Our family started giving The Gifts of the Magi each year. (Thanks to Mel for giving us this tip.)
Three gifts:
Gold – A valuable treasure . . . something they want – it doesn’t have to be costly just have value for the recipient. This represents Christ our King.
Frankincense – An incense that represented prayers . . . something to bless their spiritual life – a book, cd, or dvd. This represents Christ our High Priest.
Myrrh – An oil used to treat wounds . . . something for their body – lotions, potions, cologne, etc. This represents Christ our Crucified Savior.
6. Go on a Mission Trip – If your children are old enough, I highly recommend going on a mission trip together. I traveled to Bolivia with World Vision a couple of years ago, and nothing will teach the lesson of gratitude like spending time with those who have nothing.
7. Do a Service Project – Help at your local food pantry, visit a nursing home, make a box for Operation Christmas Child, sponsor a child through World Vision or Compassion Int., babysit for someone who can’t afford it, bake cookies for an elderly neighbor – the list can go on and on. Thinking about and doing for others encourages both gratitude and happiness.
8. Work aService Job – Everyone should work at a restaurant or store . . . any job that serves the public. Why? Because we each need to be on the receiving end of rude ungrateful behavior in order to know how important it is to be kind and appreciative toward those who help us.
9. Model Good Stewardship – Always say, “Please, thank you, I’m sorry, and please forgive me” to your children. Talk about why you give money and time at church and in your community. Show them how to bless others with their gifts and abilities. Teach them by example that an important part of being grateful is using our blessings to glorify God.
10. Worship Together – Praise and glorify God as a family, not just on Sunday morning but everyday . . . sing in the car, pray, read the Bible or Children’s Devotions together. Help your children realize that everything is a gift from God.
My goal this year is not to have a perfect Christmas, but to have a gratitude-filled Christmas with my children and grandchildren. I’m praying that we’ll enjoy a happier celebration as we give thanks for God’s blessings . . . especially the ones we have in each other.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
