We might be able to get away with disrespecting a brat, because a brat only cares about herself. Rebel's are another story. Rebels, despite their desire to stand out from the crowd in occasionally annoying ways, demand respect from others. The less respect they get, the worse their behavior.
One particular show of disrespect that rebels hate is being ignored. When your inner rebel says something, it's best to pay attention because she will make herself heard, one way or another. When you agree to manage a project out of guilt or your desire to people please, listen to your rebel saying, "I'm not doing it." If you don't, you'll be scrambling to finish it at the last minute or worse, you'll lose face for not finishing it at all. Your rebel won't care if you lose face, but you probably will. When your rebel speaks, tell the person requesting help (even if it's you), "Let me look at my schedule and I'll get back to you." Then discuss the matter with your inner rebel. Another strategy that has worked well for me is to ask an outward rebel if the new project or new approach makes sense. If my rebel friend says, "Forget it!" I figure that's what my inner rebel is saying, too.
A second show of disrespect that revs up our rebels is character assasination. Rebels are practical, fearless, mavericks who will work like dogs on worthwhile tasks. If you tell her she's a lazy, good-for-nothing whom no one likes, you will live to regret it. Often we think this kind of tough talk motivates our rebels. It certainly does! But not in the way we want. Our inner rebels will go to extremes to prove that their approach is a good one, even when it isn't. Instead of putting yourself down for not doing what you think needs to be done, ask yourself if there is a good reason you're resisting. Often your rebel's approach is a lot healthier and balanced. If she says that you don't need to mop every night (because that's stupid), try mopping less often and see if your floor doesn't stay clean enough. If it does, give your rebel credit for talking sense to you.
A final way that disrespect operates to keep our rebels pitching fits is being unworthy of respect ourselves. Often we tell our rebels that we know better, and that Dr. So-and-So, and the Journal of Such-and-Such know better than they do. Hypocrisy, an unproven track record, or a snotty "expert" will not get your rebel to go along with you. Rebels abhor Martha Stewart even if you are crazy about her. They're more likely to love FLYLady because she's real (as long as they don't have to wear their shoes in the house). Instead of showing your rebel a picture of House Beautiful, have her watch Clean Sweep or talk to a true slob who has managed to keep things up well enough. Don't use a rich executive with a personal secretary to do her bidding as an example of what productivity looks like. Better to show her a home-based business owner who makes a decent living, but rarely takes time to dust.
The bottom line is, we have to talk to our rebels the way we talk to beloved friends, family, and co-workers who just happen to be different than we are. The truth is we can learn a lot from them!
What things have you agreed to do that your rebel (or a rebel friend) warned you that you shouldn't and she was right? What would you do differently if you gave your rebel the respect she deserves?
A brat typically wants to fit in; a rebel always wants to stand out. A brat wants to wear the same designer clothes that her friends have, no matter what her budget. A rebel wears Goodwill clothes in a bizarre combination if she thinks it will set her apart. A rebel's desire to be superior sometimes explains her disdain for rules and her desire to be challenged. This principle means that it's misguided to tell a rebel:
She must join Weight Watchers because everyone she knows belongs
She should use David Allen's GTD philosophy to be more productive because it's the most popular approach
She should sign up for FLYLady's emails because it works for most of her friends
I have thought of myself as anything but a rebel for most of my life, but I can identify with this rebel characteristic. I wanted to go to a "better" college than any of my classmates–preferably one that no one was familiar with. I also chose to stay at home, homeschool, and have a home birth–all choices that definitely made me stand out!
If you want to give your rebel a chance to shine, consider:
Using a new approach or a tried-and-true approach with a unique twist
Letting your rebel teach or lead while learning
Entering a competition
I have used these principles without even realizing it to good effect. I have created my own task management, housekeeping, and homeschooling approaches. As long as I don't turn these approaches into rules, I do well. I typically blog or speak about subjects I am still trying to master myself, allowing my inner rebel to feel superior even when she's not. When I completed the Body for Life program, I had in mind that I was going to enter the competition, even though I didn't.
What kinds of things have you done that have set you apart from the crowd? How can you turn the things you want to do into an opportunity for your rebel to shine?
The first thing we are tempted to do when dealing with our inner brat is to give her some rules. Your brat procrastinated on that big project and you had to stay up all night getting it done? She hasn't taken advantage of that expensive gym membership even one time since January? She has been web surfing for hours while the laundry evolves into a leviathon?
You surmise that what your brat needs is some good old-fashioned discipline. From now on, she is going to be up at 5:45 a.m. so she can be at the gym first thing. She could have gotten away with working out three days a week if she had kept at it in January, but now that it's summer, she will be up and sweating every single day if it kills her. You don't care how tired she is after a long day of exercising, working, teaching, mothering, cooking, and housekeeping, she IS going to spend an hour working on long-term projects before she even touches the computer keyboard. And two loads of laundry must be washed, dried, folded, and put away each evening or she will not be able to read or watch TV. She'll learn, right?
The rebel that lives inside of each one of us revolts in response to rules. I have witnessed this time and time again in people I love who are more outer than inner rebels. Rules are quickly assessed as "stupid" and not applicable to them. As an outward rule follower myself, I marvel at their refusal to acquiesce, and deep down, respect them for it. Nine times out of ten they are absolutely right that the rule is wrong. If you listen closely, you will hear your inner rebel roar when you give them rules like:
Absolutely no fat, carbs, or sweets
Everything must be recorded and tagged in a to-do list
Every decent photo must be scrapbooked and journaled chronologically
Everything you eat must be weighed, measured, and recorded
Every goal must be written, shared, and broken down into mini steps
You must eat 9-11 servings of produce and drink 11 cups of water daily
You must adhere to the schedule laid out in 15-minute increments
Most people who struggle to make meaningful lasting change are dealing with an inner rebel who hates rules. Two case studies. The first is FLYLady. I wrote a Woman's Day article about her home organizing routines more than a decade ago. Although she was an immediate success, there were as many anti-FLYLady responders as there were fan girls. FLYLady's rule that women wear their shoes all day really raised a rebel ruckus. Groups of FLYLady adherents formed whose identity was simply that they refused to wear their shoes in the house.
A second case study. Mark Forster developed a system of task management that initially thrilled his rebel forum. Tasks could be accomplished simply by intuition, when they "felt ready to be done." The only problem was there were still a number of rules in the system. Immediately, the forum members objected to the rules and began proposing alternate rules. More than two years later, they are still at it.
If you are giving your rebel rules, your inner forum is revolting against you! So what are we to do? Don't we still need rules to get our rebel in line? Rules work better for rebels when:
There are few of them. That's why trying to crack down in multiple areas backfires.
There is a really good reason for the rules you have. A rebel will immediately ask, "Why should I?" You better be ready with an excellent answer!
The rules aren't merely to please people. People pleasing isn't what rebels do.
The rules aren't extreme. Rebels still believe in common sense.
The rules aren't based in fear. Rebels aren't afraid of much, especially consequences that "might, possibly" happen.
I will give you a personal example of the Rebel Rules Philosophy in action. I would like to cook healthier meals more often. So today I noted a weekly menu on AllRecipes.com that was for grilled meals, complete with shopping list. I read one review that raved about this menu and I added it to my shopping list. My kids and the cicadas outside were very noisy at the time, but I could hear my inner rebel pitching a fit. She was saying, "You're supposed to grill EVERY DAY for a week? Really? Your kids are going to eat grilled zucchini boats? Uh-huh. And you're going to make a grilled dessert every night? That is just stupid!"
So rather than do what I would normally do and buy everything I need for the grilled weekly menu, only to let the stuff spoil because I don't cook it, and then wonder why I am so lazy, I listened to my rebel. I might grill once or twice this week instead.
What kinds of rules have you given your rebels that have been resisted? Are there any rules you've laid down that have lasted?
As Jesus is the One Who has given us all of our time, we ought to give Him the first fruits of it. For me, this means regularly having devotions the first part of the day. Spending time with the Lord became very easy for me when I chose to spend the time in a way I enjoy. I like variety, but right now, I read several devotionals, then a chapter of the Bible or two, and end with prayer.
Putting Jesus first doesn't just mean giving Him our time; it also means asking Him what He would have us do with our time. I have come to enjoy my alone time with God so much that I can get a little cranky when my husband crashes the party! But I know that Jesus' desire is that I devote my time to my husband as well because the O in JOY is for
Others
We know from Jesus' example that we are to put others before ourselves. If I have done what I know the Lord would have me do, then I can ask myself what my husband would have me do. I can even ask him directly! Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page about what needs to be done for the most part. Some days, however, I must admit that he would rather have me do laundry when I'd rather be reading. You single ladies, take note!
After doing things that would please my husband, I can decide if my children are in need or would be particularly blessed by something I could do. Some mornings, breakfast is all the blessing I can muster! But on other days, I may decide that I've put off doing a craft or just playing with them long enough. I have a large family, but I need to consider the needs of other family members, friends, and co-workers as well. Any commitments I have made to others should come before my to-do's.
Yourself
Finally, we can think about ourselves. You might be wondering how on earth we can be all things to everyone who needs us and still have time to do anything for ourselves! Some days that's a real challenge for me. But here is the blessing.
First, spending time with the Lord and giving to others is the best thing I can do for me. My energy and mood are renewed. Second, God can guide us in what to do for others and when. He doesn't expect us to run around serving everyone. Sometimes the best way to serve others is to allow them to depend on God or learn to meet their own needs. He gives us the discernment we need when we need it. Third, some seemingly selfish activities are actually serving the Lord and others, too. For example, my husband loves it when I exercise and the kids love having an energetic, less-stressed mom as a result.
How can we use TODAY, TOMORROW, and TOWARD together with JOY for deciding what to do on any given day? Here's how your to-do list might look:
What would Jesus have me do today?
What do my husband, kids, friends, co-workers/boss need me to do for them today?
What do I need to do for me today?
What would Jesus have me do today to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What would my husband, kids, friends, co-workers have me do to prepare for tomorrow, next week, or next month?
Who do I need to do for myself today in advance of tomorrow, next week, or next month?
What goals or dreams would Jesus have me work toward today?
What goals or dreams would the people I love and work with want me to help them work toward today?
What goals or dreams do I want to work toward today?
Some days, you may spend all day on #1, but you won't be sorry like you would be if you just web surfed the day away. Give the JOY method a try!
I was reading the GetOrganizedWizard blog and loved the post on what not to do. I decided not to let the opportunity to blog about it pass me by. I remember hearing an excellent sermon by Dr. S.M. Davis on the fact that God's commands on what not to do are much more important to us as believers than what to do. But no worries. I don't intend to give you a list of God's no-no's. Instead, I'd like to share with you what I've learned not to do given my personality, weaknesses, and circumstances. I'd love to read your list, too!
Buy dryclean only clothes (I rarely make it to the cleaners)
Keep clothing that needs to be repaired (Even with the supplies I need, it's easier to buy new)
Have a rummage sale (I only had to do this once to determine I'd rather give everything away)
Garden or work in the yard (No matter how guilty other women who love it have made me feel, it's just not for me)
Wash my car (I leave my car outside and it rains often enough)
Get manicures (I wish I had great nails, but alas)
Wear perfume (It's expensive and I get compliments on the smell of my hairspray anyway)
Watch live TV, including the news (I just don't have the time and it usually depresses me anyway)
Use a paper calendar (I need the constant alerts via my phone)
Play online games (I don't need another addiction!)
Iron (unless absolutely necessary)
Go to meetings that aren't streamlined (just can't take the time)
Buy my boys dress shoes (they hate them)
Submit scrapbooking pages online (too much hassle & pressure)
Regularly use hand sanitizer (and I'm healthy anyway)
Get flu shots (personal decision which everyone is free to make)
Regularly spend time with people who make me feel lousy (this is a newer one!)
Miss the opportunity to give a compliment or tell someone I love them
In the spirit of my last not to-do, I'd like to say how much I appreciate the time you take to read this blog.
Research on resolutions is very instructive when it comes to traditional to-do lists. It turns out that motivation to fulfill a resolution such as losing weight or getting in shape goes down after we look into diets or check out gyms. The act of doing something–anything–relieves the anxiety that moved us to make the resolution in the first place.
I was familiar with this phenomenon when I counseled anxious clients. One exercise I often assigned was to write down everything that brought on fear or worry. Next to each item clients were to write down one thing they planned to do about it. Next to "afraid I'll get colon cancer" might be "schedule colonoscopy" or "pray about it tomorrow." Even if no action were taken, anxiety often disappeared simply because it was written and a plan made.
How does this apply to to-do lists? I bet you already know. Many of us use a to-do list like the anxiety exercise I used in psychotherapy. We write down what we plan to do and we feel less anxious. Because we feel less anxious, we may be less likely to do the tasks. As I've continued to do life without my trusty to-do list, I've noticed that I feel tempted to write things down when I am anxious. Instead of succumbing to this habit, I've forced myself to simply do the tasks that occur to me in the moment. In this way, I use the tension for my benefit. How many times have you written things down only to forget about them? Because I fear that I may not remember them later, I do them right away.
Would you rather be less anxious and not productive or a little more tense as you get things done?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
