My 16-year-old went off to school for the first time this month.
My neighbor who knew none of my children have ever gone to school outside our home asked me:
Was it hard?
I heard myself answering, but I was sitting across from my then 15-year-old son in a restaurant last spring when he said, “I’m thinking I might want to go high school next year.”
I watched him as he fidgeted and explained his reasons for wanting to finish his education outside of our home, but all I could really see was a two-year-old holding up letter-shaped puzzle pieces and asking, “What dat?” All I could hear was this little boy insisting, “Read, Mama. Read!” I could only see an older boy who read everything he got his hands on, including his Bible. I saw a teen who questioned absolutely everything. And back in the present, I saw a young adult seeking his mother’s approval for something he felt led to do.
As I continued to answer my neighbor’s question, I saw myself weeping alone. I saw myself talking and praying with my husband. I saw my conversation with my son in which I told him honestly, “I don’t want you to go to school!” And I heard him answer, “So why are you letting me go?” I felt the ache in my throat once again when I answered, “Because it’s not about what I want, but what’s best for you.”
I kept talking to my neighbor while I watched my boy heft his backpack on his shoulder and walk toward the bus stop, wondering if he would get picked up, if he would find all his classes, if he would have anyone to sit with at lunch, if he would miss me.
And I realized that answering my neighbor’s question was like answering whether natural labor is hard or grieving a loss is hard or parenting is hard.
I wondered why I had never thought to ask God that question.
Was it hard to send Your only Son away from home, knowing what He would suffer?
I suppose I haven’t asked because I already know the answer:
Love is hard.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Have you ever had a hard time sending a child off to school? How can you encourage another woman who has sent her child out of the nest?
TaskCurrent allows you to sign up for streams–a topic-focused series of mini blog posts with associated to-do’s. These are like little shots of wisdom and advice that take no time to read.
I’ve created one stream for new homeschoolers and those who love them.
If you’re brand new to homeschooling, you will love my How to Homeschool stream as it makes the process very simple, with the best resources to get you started. But if you’re a veteran, you’ll love my stream, too. It’s the perfect thing to recommend to people who ask you how to get started homeschooling. Have I mentioned that it’s free? You’ll find it in the education category.
I’ve also created two streams for motivating you in fitness and relationships.
The first is 15 Days of Fitness Inspiration. I’ve collected 15 videos, articles, and blog posts that will help you finally get fit. It’s like 5-hour Energy for fitness, without the shakes and insomnia. You’ll find it in the Health & Fitness Category.
The second stream I authored that may be of interest is a series on dealing with difficult people. I combined a number of blog posts I’ve written on the topic into a series of advice. Unfortunately, this has been a really popular topic for me! You’ll find it in the Relationships Category.
I will have more streams available in the future, but for now:
If you like my streams, please rate them. (If you don’t like them, I don’t mind if you’re too busy to rate.)
When you share this on your favorite social media, you will help people find my streams (and other helpful streams) on TaskCurrent and God willing, help change people’s lives. Thanks in advance for helping me help others!
I put lots of projects off until the summer when I will supposedly have more time. My husband works teachers’ hours and has most of the summer off. He enjoys being what I call “The Crazed Cruise Director.” He has lots and lots of plans for us to have lots and lots of fun. And while we all have a good time, every fall I find myself asking what I got accomplished during the summer. The fact is, I need to stop procrastinating, imagining that I’ll be able to do it all come summer.
I see the same procrastination habit in my children. They have to get their school work and chores done during the day, but they typically wait until the last minute when my husband typically announces we are off to do something fun. Again, while we all enjoy our free time, I find myself frustrated that important work isn’t getting done.
Do you put things off until the summer or the end of the day? Do your children? Does procrastination frustrate you like it does me? If so, read on.
While I put things off, I think a lot about why I do. I wrote about procrastination that is based on our dislike for obligations. Anything we have to do, we don’t typically like to do, so we avoid it. I give you some suggestions for coping with this type of procrastination on my Not Wonder Woman blog for Christian women.
But there’s more to understanding and defeating procrastination.
First, we have to address the argument often made that we procrastinate because we work better under pressure.
Not so, say psychologists. Did we really need a psychologist to tell us the truth about our last-minute, panick-stricken work episodes? I think not. Deep down, we know that this way of working is inefficient and just plain stressful. Like any bad habit, I believe it also diminishes our self-esteem.
If we aren’t procrastinating because it’s more effective, why are we? The simplest explanation is that we will always do what is most rewarding now, rather than later. What’s most rewarding now isn’t for your child to do the math worksheet he doesn’t enjoy. What’s most rewarding now isn’t for you to make breakfast for tomorrow. What’s most rewarding now is for your child to run around pretending to be a cowboy and what’s most rewarding now for you is to surf the Web.
The reward we get for not doing the less pleasant work now can create a habit–a bad one.
Second, we have to break the habit of procrastination.
Don’t shame yourself or your child. It’s natural for us to do the most rewarding tasks first. What goes against the grain is building our skills at delayed gratification. Even though it’s challenging, you and your child can break the habit.
Take small steps. The website, tinyhabits, explains how we can be successful in changing our habits by making the changes very, very tiny. You might have your child start by doing just one math problem and you could just decide what to make for breakfast.
Reward them. We develop the habit of procrastination because it’s rewarding. To change the habit, we have to reward our new work behavior. You could congratulate your child or give him a sticker after doing one math problem. You could give yourself a piece of sugar-free gum or put an X on your calendar as a reward. Even an “Atta, girl!” can work wonders.
Make the long-term reward more visible. The reason the allure of playing cowboy is greater than doing a math worksheet is because your child can’t see the positives in being good at math. To help him, you might read from a book like Mathematicians Are People, Too: Stories from the Lives of Great Mathematicians. Or you might simply tell Dad how smart he is getting at math which will enable him to do a special math-related activity with dad (e.g., build something). For yourself, you might read a list of reasons you want breakfast made ahead of time each evening. I use my iPhone to give myself reminders at critical times for habits I want to change. I might use something like, “Remember how nice it will be to have a healthy breakfast already made when you get up.”
With just a little effort, you can break the procrastination habit in you and your child. Don’t postpone it!
How have you been able to break the procrastination habit?
You didn’t show up. You didn’t thank me. You didn’t keep your promise. You didn’t return the favor. You didn’t include me. You didn’t apologize.
You hurt me.
You rejected me. You talked about me behind my back. You forgot me. You judged me. You didn’t ask about me. You didn’t encourage me. You believed the worst about me. You didn’t love me.
Every time the phone rings, an email comes in, or there’s a knock at the door, I think maybe you’re going to give me what you owe me. But you don’t.
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[h] was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18)
I have borrowed without paying back.
I haven’t shown up. I haven’t shown gratitude. I haven’t kept my promise. I haven’t returned the favor. I didn’t include you. I didn’t apologize.
I hurt you.
I rejected you. I talked about you behind your back. I forgot you. I judged you. I didn’t ask about you. I didn’t encourage you. I believed the worst about you. I didn’t love you.
I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m so sorry. I hurt for how I made you feel. I want to repay you.
If you read my guest post on over-commitment, you won’t be surprised that I’ve been overwhelmed lately. My vacation was restful, but I returned home to a number of tasks I had put off until I got back. Another problem was that while on vacation, I fantasized about all the things I wanted to accomplish this summer. As I considered all my options, I had no idea what to do first.
Options for Prioritizing When You’re Overwhelmed
I thought about using Mark Forster’s the Final Version or Smart Pad to work through my to-do’s, but my anxiety wouldn’t let me. I thought about using Covey’s Quadrants, too, but I still felt the number of tasks to complete would be too large. I Googled “how to prioritize when you’re overwhelmed.” Mostly what I found was the usual advice–make items with a deadline a top priority, delegate when possible, yadda yadda. Nothing clicked until I found a post from Just Ask Kim (note: some cursing here) who said that we don’t have to decide the priority of everything:
Don’t worry about the rest of the list, it’s not even worth your time to number them. All you care about at this moment is knocking out #1.
She goes on to say that when we’ve identified our number one task, we have to focus on it like a laser.
Just One Thing
Kim’s post reminded me of a well-known Bible account, but made me think about it in a whole new way.
40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42)
I had always thought the lesson here was that Jesus is what we ought to be focusing on. Rather than trying to get things done, we ought to be spending time in Bible reading and prayer. This interpretation is very hard on poor Martha who is understandably concerned with eating! The traditional interpretation cannot be the whole meaning of Jesus’ words, however. Scripture makes it clear that we are not to give up working and just wait on Jesus’ return. Of course, our number one priority is always to serve the Lord, but isn’t that what Martha was doing? So what was the problem?
Jesus tells Martha that she is worried and upset about many things. Boy, can I relate to that! How about you? I’ve been worried and upset about the many things that I need to get done, or even that I’d just like to get done, and it isn’t a pleasant feeling. Like Martha, I can get mighty crabby. So what’s the answer to Martha’s and my dilemma? Just pray more? You can never pray too much, but you’ve got to get to work, too! What struck me as similar between the Just Ask Kim’s comment and Jesus’ response to Martha is just one thing being needed. My aha moment was this:
When we focus on more than one thing at a time, our productivity, peace, and patience will be diminished.
My Experience With Just One Thing
A couple of years ago, I wrote about my decision to quit using a to-do list for all but the time-sensitive tasks or things that I would otherwise forget. I remember that time as one of the most productive and peaceful of my life. I started using a typical to-do list again because I was starting a new job (that I no longer have) and figured that I had so much to do that I had to use a to-do list. Looking back, I can see that I didn’t do myself any favors. When I wasn’t using a comprehensive to-do list, I focused on just one thing at a time. I didn’t worry about what I would do after I finished a load of laundry or get upset when my husband made a request that wasn’t on an arbitrary list. I just went about my day doing the one thing that was needed at the time.
I have been re-experiencing the benefits of focusing on just one thing and I can’t rave enough. My productivity, self-discipline, sense of well-being, and family relationships have improved dramatically. Before you decide to give it a try, you might want to consider the following:
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you ignore your calendar or time-sensitive to-do’s. Checking your calendar will be one of the “one things” you do.
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you chuck your routines or your schedule. In fact, I’ve been better able to stick to my routines as I’m not thinking about all the other stuff I have to do.
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you have to throw away your project lists if you need them.
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you can’t delegate. You may recognize one thing that needs to be done and can decide to assign it to your child as a chore or ask for personal or professional help in completing it.
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you can’t plan. Again, planning may be the one thing you are choosing to focus on.
Focusing on Just One Thing doesn’t mean you don’t work on goals or projects with a future deadline. Again, it’s one of the “one things” you will focus on.
Focusing on Just One Thing means that you do not worry about what you’re going to do after the one thing you’re doing. The only exception to that is if you’re planning. Otherwise, enjoy your meal, your conversation, your family, and even your work without the angst about what comes next.
Focusing on Just One Thing means you do not have to prioritize your to-do’s. You don’t even have to write them all down! Just ask yourself what the “one thing” is and do it–even if that’s checking your list of tasks you would otherwise forget. It’s not necessarily doing the most important thing, because who knows what that is? Barak Rosenbloom blogged about this low-stress approach to using a calendar on Time Natives.
Focusing on Just One Thing means that you’re open to something else taking over as the one thing: your child gets hurt, someone comes to the door, or your husband needs you.
Focusing on Just One Thing means you are sensitive to the Lord’s leading. As I’ve been focusing on just one thing, I have heard the Lord saying, “This is the way. Walk in it.” What a blessing to know that I’m not too distracted to hear Him for a change!
Are You a Mary or a Martha?
I used to think Mary was the “spiritual” one and Martha was a control freak. Not anymore! Mary has learned the blessing of focusing on just one thing and Martha needed to learn it. Which one are you? Do you know any Mary’s?
If you give Just One Thing a try, I’d love to hear your experience!
I keep hearing from moms whose kids don’t like to read or don’t read as much as their mothers hope. Why the concern?
The Problem With Kids Who Don’t Read
The main cause for concern with kids who would rather do anything else but read is that they won’t become proficient readers without enough time with their noses in books. Kids who can’t read well tend to do very poorly in life, no matter how you measure. That’s why literacy is a high priority for schools and it’s a high priority for homeschooling moms, too.
While there are audio and even visual Bibles, the most accessible way to take in God’s Word is to read it. As a Christian homeschooler, I hope that my children will have the reading skills they need to read the Bible and the will to read it, too, especially when they leave home. A lesser concern where reading is concerned is our desire to have adult children who read for pleasure. Reading is a great hobby that we want to pass on!
What if Your Child Would Rather Do Anything But Read?
Assess His Abilities
Most of the time, children who are reluctant to read find it challenging. Does your child have a visual impairment, attention deficits, or a learning disability that makes reading more work? Does she need to learn to read in a different way? My reluctant reader could not learn to read phonetically, though his three older siblings did. Once I let him learn to read using sight words (or a whole language approach), his reading took off. You may need an evaluation of your child, but read the rest of my suggestions first.
Ease Your Expectations
Because so much is riding on reading, we homeschoolers can overreact to any child who isn’t reading at grade level or just doesn’t like to read. I have heard numerous testimonies of children who were late readers but caught up with or exceeded their same age peers. I can tell you numerous similar stories of people who didn’t like to read as children, but are avid readers as adults. My husband, pictured above, is a great example. He seriously read Gone With the Wind just because he wanted to! When we are fearful, we can easily become impatient and even angry about reading. Our children pick up on our attitudes easily and soon you’re in a battle of wills or you’re dealing with a child who gives up because she feels she’s not a good reader.
Keep Reading to Your Child
I didn’t understand for a long time the incredible value of reading to children in terms of building a child’s reading skills. When you read books out loud that are above your child’s reading level, he is building a vocabulary that will enable his reading to take off when he’s developmentally ready. For example, if you read a word like appreciate out loud, even if your child doesn’t see the word, when she comes to it in a book one day, she’ll sound out uh-pr–appreciate. She will recognize the word easily from a few phonics and the context. Don’t have the time to read out loud as much as you’d like? Consider a Disney Interactive Books or Audible subscription so your child can be read to any time.
Make Reading Easy
Capstone Publishers has succeeded in large part because of its focus on creating high-interest, easy-to-read books–especially for boys. No longer are readers who are “behind grade level” saddled with baby books. There are easy-to-read books on nearly every subject. Graphic novels (like comic books in novel form) are particularly appealing to boys. Calvin and Hobbes (not a Capstone title) has gotten many a boy, including mine, to love reading. You can find this book and Capstone titles at a library near you. I recommend giving your child a book at or below his reading level and telling him, “I’m not sure if this is too difficult for you or not. Let me know, okay, and I’ll find one that’s easier.” What this does is help your child save face if it is in fact too hard, but more likely your child will be thrilled to tell you that it’s soooo easy to read! When your child’s confidence is up, motivating her is easy, too.
Make Reading Rewarding
There are lots of great ways to make reading fun. Here are a few of my favorites:
Keep a steady supply of new books coming into your home. I’m married to a book salesman and new boxes of books are a source of Christmas-like excitement. You can create that kind of environment by regularly getting books from the library, Goodwill, or Paperbackswap. Ask any school librarian and she will tell you that she has to keep a steady supply of new books on the shelves to appeal to reluctant readers.
Offer a reward. My husband has often offered a shake for a certain number of books read. Lots of reading goes on at those times. While you wouldn’t want your child to expect a treat every time he reads, an occasional reward will help him see reading as the real reward.
Connect books to movies or games. Whether you offer to let your child see the movie version or play the related video game of a book before or after reading the book, this multimedia approach has been proven to promote reading.
Let your child express his creativity around a book. My kids love to dramatize books for the family. Your child may enjoy doing show and tell about her favorite book, drawing pictures to go with it, or competing in a quiz bowl with a sibling who has read the same book.
Have you been able to motivate a reluctant reader? What worked?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
