My baby boy was a bee for trick-or-treating. One thing I love about him is the way he says yes and no. He’s not much of a talker yet. So if you ask him if his diaper needs changing or he wants a cookie, he’ll laugh. I love that he says yes to things with joy. I need to bee more like that!
When my boy says no, like he did to giant dinosaurs at a science center or to food he doesn’t like, he ‘pushes’ it away. He makes his no’s pretty clear, too.
Let Your Yes Be Yes
Reading Getting Things Done by David Allen convinced me that not committing to the things I say “yes” to will make me feel guilty and stressed. I want to be like my baby. I want to say yes enthusiastically and keep my word. To do that, I have to carefully consider the time each commitment will take. I want to talk with my husband about big commitments and pray about them. If I’m not sure, I should say no. Every yes is a no to something else.
Let Your No Be No
Like my little one, I want my no’s to be clear too. I want to say no to projects that are too big for me right now, things that someone else could do better, things that I’m not passionate about. I don’t want to be wishy-washy and leave anyone in limbo. Saying no has allowed me to focus on my yeses and to have more free time.
What are you saying yes to in this season of your life?
Matthew 5:37 Simply letyour ‘Yes‘ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No‘;
A dear friend told me recently that she understood exactly what I was saying about surrendering in the area of weight loss. What she wanted to know more about was how to eat after you surrender. That’s an excellent question!
My Weight Loss Story
If you haven’t read my book with its description of my own battle of the bulge, you don’t know that I had tried just about everything to lose weight. I had tried counting calories, half-starving myself, appetite suppressants, exercising, a support group, would have tried Jenny Craig if I could have afforded it, not dieting, psychology and exploring my reasons for eating, and even reading the Bible and praying about it. I was leading a weight loss group at church and I hoped that my position would force me to succeed, for fear of failing publicly. I had initial success with every method I tried. Many women wouldn’t think I ever had a serious issue with weight. I can understand that.
At my highest weight, I was about 30 pounds too heavy. But the weight of the issue in my life was huge. It was all I thought about.
I thought about how tightly my clothes fit in the morning. I would be determined to eat lightly for breakfast. When I didn’t, I would berate myself mentally and would be even more determined to eat lightly for lunch. Of course, I typically overate for lunch. I was so depressed about it, I rewarded myself with some candy in the afternoon. All the way home from work I would tell myself I would make up for all of it for dinner. At the same time, however, I could see myself devouring an entire pizza. I spent the entire night depressed about what a terrible day I’d had. I would be better the next day I’d reassure myself, but the cycle repeated.
When I began learning that I was engaged in a spiritual battle, many good things occurred. I was reading my Bible, praying, and learning the difference between worldly wisdom and God’s ways. But I was still determined to succeed in my own strength. I would tell myself that I would just read more Bible verses, pray before every bite, etc., etc. It didn’t work. I really believed that God could do it for other people but not for me. One day I prayed a very dangerous prayer.
I said, “God, whatever it takes to release the hold food has on my life, DO IT.”
He did. Nothing dramatic happened. People didn’t make fun of me for being overweight. I wasn’t kicked out of group leadership and my husband didn’t threaten to leave me. Instead, I reached the end of myself. I realized that after 14 years of struggle, I just wasn’t capable of defeating the thing. I told God tearfuly, “If you want me to have victory, you’re going to have to do it because I quit!” I literally said it out loud in my kitchen.
How Do You Trust God After Surrender?
That was surrender. What came next? What eating principles, diet or exercise plan did I follow that gave me the victory? I have no idea. All I know is there was no system of not eating certain foods, counting calories or bites, or thinking about it AT ALL. That is a miracle! In fact, I didn’t even weigh myself until months later when I realized I no longer felt addicted to food. I have testified to the fact that the Lord gave me absolutely no idea how this happened so that I would not be touting the Melanie-plan to weight loss. And I would have been! But even though I can’t give you the 10-step plan, I do want you to have the same awesome victory I have been given. Here’s what I suggest:
*Pray that the Lord would do whatever it takes to release you from the bondage of obsession with food, weight, and exercise.
*Tell God that you quit, that you know you don’t have it in you to do this. Give Him permission to take over COMPLETELY.
*Every time you find yourself thinking about how to lose weight, confess it as your desire for control. Ask forgiveness and for the Lord to keep you out of His business!
*Renew your mind. Since writing this original post, I met Barb Raveling. She has helped me see that there is another way to trust God after surrendering in the area of weight loss: renewing your mind. I can’t recommend Barb’s book I Deserve a Donut and the iPhone app enough.
Don’t believe the lie that only certain people can enjoy freedom from the bondage of food. God bless you as you trust Him.
I believe it was Josh McDowell who said, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." I’m sure he was discussing parenting. If you are strict with your kids and don’t have their hearts, they’re likely to defy you. I think we can all think of families where this has been true. I see many, many families who don’t have real relationships with their kids because of busy schedules. But these days I don’t see all that many families with lots of rules. Most have given up on those, too, because they’re so time-consuming to enforce. The result seems to be the same.
I just shared with a group of parents (in the context of discussing teens and dating) that it will not matter what they say to their kids unless they really spend time enjoying one another. If your kids don’t feel close to you, like you really care, you may as well save your breath.
What I realized today is that this principle applies to more than just parenting. If we have rules in our marriage or friendships, but don’t have the relationship to sustain them, there’s going to be a reaction! Imagine, for example, that you haven’t been really encouraging your girlfriend. You haven’t taken time to call her or see her. You then tell her how upset you are that she didn’t send you a thank you card for the gift you gave her for her birthday six months ago. How’s that likely to go over?
We all have rules for how we think relationships should be done. Don’t tell your husband what I said about mine. Don’t call me after 9. I want a real, not emailed birthday card. It’s fine to have them! But if your relationship isn’t in a good place, it’s inadvisable to try and enforce them. Return to the activities that bring you closer. Shoot hoops with your son. Take your daughter shopping or vice versa! Go out for lunch and share some laughs with your girlfriend. Go for a walk with your husband. When someone loves you, they’re more likely to abide by your rules.
The chapter of So You’re Not Wonder Woman? entitled “With Justice for All” deals in large part with difficult relationships–specifically relationships with people the Bible calls Fools. These are not unintelligent people. On the contrary, they are often very intelligent. But the way they relate to others can drive you crazy! If you have a relationship that just seems impossible–if you’ve tried it all and it doesn’t work–I highly recommend Fool-Proofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. The book can change your life. It did mine.
The hardest part of recognizing that you’ve surrounded yourself with Fools is knowing that there is no painless way out of those relationships. Most of the time you feel like you’re going to lose your mind if you continue with the status quo, but you fear what will happen if you draw a line in the sand. I have slowly been withdrawing myself from Foolish relationships, whether that be literally or just emotionally. The benefits have been a lot less stress and more self-confidence. They have come at a price, however. When a Fool goes, he rarely goes alone. He will try to take someone you really value with him.
Years ago I read a fascinating book on stalking called I Know You Really Love Me.
The advice of the psychiatrist/author/stalking victim was to always tell everyone that you have a stalker. Making everyone you live and work with aware of the problem can save your life! Until today, I never thought to apply this good advice to Fools. I always thought Wonder Women didn’t gossip by telling anyone about their problem person. I was wrong. On more than one occasion my protection of my Fool has cost me very dear friendships. If I had warned my friends about what my Fool might do, I may still have those friendships today. Jealousy is a very powerful emotion and is often at the heart of this kind of behavior. It’s what motivated Cain to kill Abel (Read Genesis 4).
If you’re a mother of young children, you may wonder what to buy them for Christmas. I know I do! I have five boys, so I own just about every conceivable boy toy there is. I hate to see expensive toys that are quickly broken or never played with. Like you, I’d like to give my children gifts that last.
I have two suggestions for you and I’d love to hear yours. First, focus on three gifts per child. I’m not saying you have to limit yourself to that, but if you do, hooray for you! I use an approach I read about in Christian Parenting Today years ago. I give each child a gold, frankincense, and myrhh gift. The gold gift is either the most expensive or most desired gift wrapped in gold paper. I love to surprise my kids with this one. The frankincense gift is anything that facilitates their relationship with God (a Bible, CD, video, toy, devotional that has to do with faith). This is wrapped in white. Finally, a myrrh gift is anything to do with the body. I did a LOT of bath toys with this one for a while, but I’m now shifting to clothing. This is wrapped in dark paper–I usually use a dark mauve if I can find it. I have miniatures of the real gifts that we discuss each Christmas Eve and the significance of them to the Christ child.
My other suggestion to you is to give your children the gift of giving. It’s very time-consuming for me to take my children shopping for each other (we draw names) or to give them time to shop for us, but it’s important. My kids also put boxes together for www.samaritanspurse.org. We watch a video with our homeschool group every year to see the kids get their boxes. It makes their giving very real to them.
If your child has everthing, teach them to give to someone who doesn’t! Happy Christmas planning!
People who hear my “Tummy Trouble” story and learn about my food allergies ask me why so many people have food allergies now. I’m sure I don’t know! But I’ve shared with them the over-exposure hypothesis I’ve read. People may become allergic to foods they over-indulge in. For example, few Americans are allergic to rice, but many Asian people are.
That explanation doesn’t satisfy me though. Are we really over doing it on the peanuts for example? I am usually not one to believe Chicken Little. But my reading about genetically modified (GM) crops has me concerned. When you look at the data about contamination of unmodified crops with GM crops by wind and bee spread of pollen, there appears to be even more cause for concern. Bees are also dying inexplicably. Could GM crops be the explanation? I have read of the dangers of canola and soy and perhaps you have, too. Could it be that there is nothing inherently wrong with these foods, but GM crops are giving our immune systems fits? We worry about bio-terrorism, but maybe we’re terrorizing ourselves?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
