Conflicts involving our children are draining, aren’t they? Last week, I discussed how teaching our children personality and gender differences can help them manage and even avoid conflict. This week I’d like to finish the acronym BLT.
We learn by listening and not assuming that we know what other people are thinking.
What does God say about listening versus assuming? In James 1:19 we read, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Proverbs 15:1 reads, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
When we are listening and not assuming, we will ask ourselves, “Do I really know someone else’s motives when I’m not sure of my own?” How many times have we asked a child why they did something and they tell us they don’t know? How many times have we done something and we have no idea why we have behaved that way? I came to understand how important it is not to assume others’ motives when I read the book How to Stop the Pain by Dr. James Richards. The problem with assuming others’ motives is we typically ascribe very negative motives to others and very positive motives to ourselves. Dr. Richards argues that we can stop the emotional pain of our assumptions by just refusing to make them and listening instead.
We want to listen to learn. When we listen well, we not only understand another person’s perspective, our feelings toward them change. I anticipated getting together with someone whose values and beliefs are in complete opposition to mine. I was worried that conflict would ruin our time together. I decided that I wouldn’t share any of my own beliefs but would only ask questions about herss. In the end we had an incredible visit. She not only felt very positively toward me, but I found myself feeling great about her as well.
Right to Speak
But listening is very hard when you’re already in conflict. I used a technique called Right to Speak all the time when I was practicing as a clinical psychologist. The Right to Speak involves one person speaking for a limited period of time. When you’re dealing with children, that period of time may be one minute. After one child talks about their grievances and feelings, the other child must ask questions to get three yes answers from the speaker. The listening child should restate what the speaker has said and ask if that’s what was said. Asking inflammatory questions such as, “Did you take my toy without permission?” is unlikely to get a yes answer as are negative comments. To make Right to Speak easier for younger children, you can give the speaking child three quarters. Each time the speaker answers yes to a question, he or she can hand a quarter to the listener. After three yes answers have been given, the children switch roles. You may very likely have to give an example question and redirect children who are having trouble formulating questions to get yes answers.
TALK
After we listen it’s our turn to talk. That’s what the T stands for in BLT. But we have to choose assertiveness over aggressiveness when we speak. Aggressiveness maybe verbal or nonverbal. Nonverbal aggressiveness is better known as passive aggressiveness. Yelling and physical expressions of anger are not the only destructive forms of aggression.
What does God say about assertiveness versus aggressiveness? Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Your child should ask herself is if she is speaking to improve the relationship or to get revenge. Is there ever a time not to speak to improve the relationship? Yes, when dealing with a chronically difficult person it may be best not to respond. But it is never okay to seek revenge.
I feel…when you…and I need.
We get confused about what assertiveness is. We think it’s demanding that our needs be met. Instead, we can use this formula to teach our children assertiveness. I feel…when you…and I need. We begin with I feel. Use emotional words. Discourage your children from using the word bad.
when you… This is when your child explains what the other person did that was upsetting to them. Encourage your child to limit this to present circumstances and avoid the words always and never.
and I need… This is where your child expresses what he or she needs from the other person. Make sure your children look at the person to whom they’re speaking. It’s very important that a child who has been offended can be seen by the offender. The offender often has no idea how hurtful words or actions have been.
Create a Kindness Contract
Aggressive talk leads to many, many conflicts. Discuss with your kids what kinds of words bother them. Kids know which buttons to push, don’t they? I have created a Kindness Contract that I use with my children. We have a list on our contract that includes all of the things that the kids can say or do that will lead to hurt feelings. If one of the children violates the contract, the other child who has been offended is to ask, “What did you say?” This is to alert the aggressive child that they are in violation of the contract. Sometimes a child who is prompted in this way will not say, “I meant to say (with something more appropriate)”, “I take it back”, or “I’m sorry.” In that situation it is a good idea to prompt the child with, “What did you mean to say?” The Kindness Contract also includes the communication you will agree to use as a family instead, such as regular compliments. Everyone in the family should sign this contract.
Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills with Story
That is the BLT method of conflict resolution: breathe, learn, and talk. Taken together with part one of this series, it’s a lot to remember to teach your child. I believe in the power of story to teach but the story needs to teach the right things. I haven’t created a conflict resolution curriculum, though I would love to. Instead, I focus my writing time on Grammar Galaxy, my language arts curriculum for elementary students. What I have done, however, is to add a story to Grammar Galaxy that teaches conflict resolution. The lesson includes the Kindness Contract. Click to request your copy for subscribers below:
Conclusion
I know I haven’t equipped you to resolve every conflict your kids will have, but I hope I have started you on the journey. Keep learning and keep teaching.
Which of these approaches will you teach first? Let me know in the comments.
I consider conflict resolution skills to be with one of the four R’s. We have reading, writing, ‘rithmetic, and resolution of conflict. Poor conflict resolution skills are the number one cause of divorce. They result in $359 billion in lost work hours. In fact, 25 to 40% of a manager’s time is spent on resolving conflict in the workplace.
I have had plenty of opportunities to teach these skills in my own family. I have five boys and one girl and my daughter has had more physical fights then all the rest put together. Go figure! Moms are the world’s best mediators, but we often do the work of mediation without teaching kids the concepts. Before I go any further I want to define conflict. I think of it in literary terms.
“Conflict is when someone stands in the way of getting what you want.”
I want to begin in this episode (which will be part one of two) to share with you the acronym we’ll be using: BLT. The BLT method of conflict resolution is breathe, learn, talk.
BREATHE
First breathe. This means stop and think. Calm down and think of the conflict in terms of win-win. Cain in the Bible is the first example of someone who thought in terms of win-lose. He thought only one of them could please God, when that wasn’t the case. We still make that mistake today. What does God say about win-win versus win-lose? In Philippians 2:3 – 4, He says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” In Matthew 5:9 we read, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
When your kids stop to breathe, they should ask themselves this question: Do I want to be right or do I want to improve the relationship? You can coach them in the middle of a conflict by asking them this question as well. We’ve all been trained to seek compromise in an effort to achieve win-win. Compromise means both parties give up something and sometimes compromise is a great solution. But sometimes it isn’t the best one for win-win. Imagine that two people are fighting over one remaining orange. They compromise and cut it in half. One person is now able to make only a very small amount of orange juice and the other doesn’t have enough of the orange peel shavings to add to a dessert recipe. They could have both used one organge.
To help kids identify conflicts and win-win solutions, practice with books and movies. Every book and movie has a conflict to discuss. There aren’t always simple solutions, but it’s a great exercise. Some books and movies have a difficult person, which is a separate topic that I’m going to be writing a book about next year.
In order to resolve conflict, you also have to know whom you’re in conflict with. This is necessary for a win-win solution. We have to consider others’ needs.
Gender Differences
Our culture says there aren’t true gender differences (and it’s true that they aren’t universal), but I think of men as wrenches and women as stethoscopes. Men want to quickly solve problems and women are most concerned with heart issues. For example, men’s number one marital complaint is nagging and complaining on the part of their wives, while women’s is not having their feelings validated. Men figure if they’ve discussed the problem, it’s solved, and women feel that if they haven’t come to a mutually beneficial solution that they need to keep bringing it up.
On one occasion, I told my husband that a friend had upset me. I wanted to talk out my feelings, but my husband told me just to stop talking to her. He then returned to reading the paper. It is possible to have both a solution and a time of relationship building, however. Fortunately, I know to say, “I’m not asking you to solve the problem, but to listen.”
Another gender difference is men’s desire for respect from their wives and women’s desire for love from their husbands. Often the conflict continues as both parties wait for the other to give them what they want. Of course, the conflict can be resolved in a win-win way if both husband and wife meet their spouse’s needs. Without understanding these gender differences, there can be no win-win solution. I already see these gender differences in the conflicts between my teens.
Personality Differences
A second important difference between people is personality. I use Florence Littauer’s Personality Plus typology of four types instead of Myers-Briggs because it is much easier to remember. You only have four personalities to remember instead of 16 and it’s much easier for children to understand. The four personalities are Popular Sanguine, Powerful Choleric, Perfect Melancholy, and Peaceful Phlegmatic. I studied ornithology in college and I thought it made sense to choose birds to represent the personality types, especially because it could help my kids to remember them.
The first personality I’ll describe is the Popular Sanguine. I chose the peacock to represent the Popular Sanguine because the peacock is colorful, loud, and draws attention to itself. The Popular Sanguine also likes attention, tends to wear bright, colorful clothing, and can be loud. The Popular Sanguine is an extroverted talker. They like to have fun, and because cleaning and repetitive work isn’t fun, they’re disorganized. A person from the Bible who was a Popular Sanguine is Peter. He thought walking on water seemed like fun and often spoke without thinking.
The Popular Sanguine more than anything else wants approval and compliments. A single compliment is like eating one Pringles potato chip. It’s simply stokes the appetite for more. Criticizing the Popular Sanguine or keeping them from having fun will likely result in conflict.
The second personality I wanted to describe for you is the Powerful Choleric. I chose the blue jay to represent this personality. If you’ve ever seen a blue jay arrive at a birdfeeder, you see all the other birds scatter. They dominate the feeder. The Powerful Choleric is an ambitious personality, often referred to as Type A. They desire control of themselves and often of other people. They’re the most likely to have a hot temper. They generally believe they are right about things and are frustrated by lazy people. If you keep a Choleric from having control or are lax in your work, you are likely to have conflict with them. Like the Popular Sanguine, this personality is a social, extroverted type. The apostle Paul is an example of this personality in the Bible. He told Peter he was wrong and then wrote that he did.
The Perfect Melancholy is the third personality type I will discuss with you today, and this personality is represented by the Canada goose. This personality wants perfection. The type tends to be very organized and like the Canda goose, everything is in order. Because this personality wants perfection, they are often depressed. Interestingly, the Canada goose appears to be depressed upon losing its lifelong mate. This personality can be musically inclined. They also want people to be thoughtful and sensitive to their needs. This is an introverted personality who often conflicts with the Popular Sanguine. The Perfect Melancholy is often reluctant to give the Popular Sanguine compliments until they are perfect. And they often Popular Sanguines as being insensitive to them. Moses in the Bible was this personality type — a perfectionist prone to depression. He didn’t want to be in the limelight as God’s spokesperson or even the leader of the Israelites.
The final personality I’ll discuss today is the Peaceful Phlegmatic personality. I chose the turkey to represent this personality because everyone likes them. Everyone loves the Peaceful Phlegmatic. More than anything the Peaceful Phlegmatic wants peace. This type avoids conflict the most. This is an introverted, easy-going personality and not an ambitious personality. They tend to be easily satisfied with their lot in life and like easy work. As a result, they are often disrespected by Powerful Cholerics. Even though they don’t meet the demands of Powerful Cholerics, they want respect. If they don’t get respect, they can become passive-aggressive. Abraham was a Peaceful Phlegmatic. He preferred to let Pharoah have has wife rather than having a conflict over it.
Learning these personality differences has helped reduce conflict in my family. I used to assume that my husband was trying to make me miserable by controlling me. Eventually I learned that when he felt out of control in his work or other areas of his life, he proceeded to try to control me. Personality types have also helped me immensely in understanding and relating to my children. I honestly believed that one of my sons was depressed or obstinate when he described most of his activities as fine. My personality believes that fine is a bad thing. Our family has learned to understand one another. Teaching our children their personalities and the needs and wants of other personalities can drastically limit the amount of conflict they experience in dealing with other people.
I am going to end this episode on conflict resolution skills you must teach your children here and I will pick it up again next week. We will discuss the learn and talk aspects of the BLT method.
If you would like to take a questionnaire to help you determine your primary personality type or if you would like to have your children take one, try this PDF version. I would love to hear what your personality type is! I am primarily Popular Sanguine and secondarily Powerful Choleric
A schedule or homeschool routine is a must for a new homeschooler. But it’s easy to take the wrong approach when it comes to scheduling. I chatted with our new homeschoolers on the podcast and Jolene shared her schedule with me for the blog.
New homeschoolers tend to make one of two mistakes when it comes to scheduling their homeschools.
Overscheduling
The first mistake and the most typical for new homeschoolers is to overschedule. They plan to read piles of books, tackle lots of curriculum-prescribed activities, and participate in lots of extracurriculars too. Mom may have a new baby, a toddler, and may even be working in or outside of the home. She has read numerous books on homeschooling philosophy and her picture of homeschooling becomes idealized. She wants to do it all. If she is wise enough to realize that she needs a schedule, she will begin to plan all of the things she needs and wants to do, quickly discovering that there either isn’t enough time for it all or that the schedule makes her dread homeschooling altogether.
“Homeschooling should give us more freedom and margin than the traditional educational route. If it doesn’t, something is wrong!”
The number of things that could be wrong with your homeschooling schedule are beyond the scope of this blog post. But I can say that you are most likely taking on too much or are trying to be perfect in your application of your choices.
No Schedule
The second mistake new homeschoolers make is to have no schedule at all. This type of homeschooler revels in the fact that her time is her own. She and the kids can stay up as late as they like and sleep in as late as they like. No day has to look like any other. This is especially true if you are enamored with the unschooling philosophy. Dislike for schedules may be one reason you decided to homeschool in the first place. While the overscheduled homeschooler feels burdened and stressed, the under-scheduled homeschooler feels lost. Eventually the freewheeling atmosphere of the unscheduled homeschooler will lead to discontent, unruly behavior, and a sense of failure.
As I describe both the overscheduled and under-scheduled homeschooler, I write from experience. I began my homeschooling adventure without any schedule at all. Rarely did I do any actual teaching. Neither did I accomplish anything of note in my home. I felt distracted and wasn’t happy with my freelance writing progress. When I discovered Managers of Their Homes, I moved to the opposite extreme. I scheduled absolutely everything, including time for sewing – a hobby that I wasn’t fully committed to. I had my babies on a schedule too, even though I have always been a nurse-on-demand mom. It was no wonder that my “new activity every 15 minutes” schedule failed miserably. I did not understand that there was a middle ground between being over- and under-scheduled.
Jolene has a made a good start as a new homeschooler. She writes:
Since I haven’t started homeschooling yet, I don’t have a routine yet. My plan is to get the older kids off to school, breakfast, my morning clean up (unload dishwasher, wipe down counters, sweep kitchen floor, fold a load of laundry), then I’ll do our school. I honestly haven’t laid out that part yet, but am planning on Bible, read alouds, math and letter review/word building.
How to Schedule as a New Homeschooler
New homeschoolers and those with little ones are most likely to succeed with a school routine, rather than a detailed schedule. A routine means that you do the same activities in order on most days. That means that you get up, have breakfast, do chores, do Bible time, do read alouds, and so on without concern for how long you spend on each of those activities. You can definitely have a general idea in mind for how much time you want to spend, but you will not be concerned if you spend more time reading out loud or if you need to spend a little bit more time cleaning to give you peace of mind. A routine allows you to keep order in your homeschool even if someone is sick, you overslept, or if you have an ornery student. As you gain experience in your homeschooling or as your children mature, you can schedule more and more of your homeschooling activities. Even when you are using a formal schedule, however, you want to include lots of margin and free time. How easily we forget that school students have time between classes, PE time, and recess. Teachers are able to take a break for the most part during these transition or free times. The more rigid the schedule, the more resistance you will get from not only your students but yourself.
How can you begin to create a homeschooling routine that works for you? First, record what you are already doing. Every hour, write down what you have generally spent your time doing. You will, of course, record planned activities and appointments throughout the week. Once you know your starting point, you are in a much better position to make small changes. For example, perhaps you are not doing chores before you begin your study time and this routine causes you anxiety later in the day. Begin to do a basic clean up after breakfast and take some time to assess whether or not that small change is an improvement. If so, you are ready to add another small change to your routine. If not, try, try again!
You will never have a perfect routine or schedule. Your children will grow, your circumstances will change, and what worked last month may not work this month. The goal is to adapt to your students, circumstances, and your own needs to make homeschooling something you look forward to, rather than dread. The older your children are, the more you can get them involved in suggesting changes to your routine. I’ve mentioned before that my teenagers asked me to start school an hour later in the morning. I acquiesced to that request and I think it works for us. They’re happy because they like to sleep later and I’m happy because I can get more work done before they are awake.
There is No One-Size-Fits-All Schedule
There is no one-size-fits-all schedule. If a homeschooling family you know gets all their schooling done before noon and that doesn’t work for you, go through your routine with pride. If you love having a detailed schedule and your friends only use a routine, enjoy what works for you without worrying. However, if your schedule or routine causes you anxiety, stress, or has you considering putting the kids in school, it’s time for one small change. You can do this!
Are you happy with your homeschool routine or schedule? If not, what small change will you implement this week?
If you began homeschooling in the early elementary years, chances are good that you found your groove. When you see middle school up ahead, it’s easy to start getting nervous. With these suggestions, you can continue homeschooling your middle schooler like a pro.
When I think of teaching medical middle school students, the first thing that occurs to me is to encourage independent learning. Before my oldest child reached middle school, we did the majority of our schooling together as a family. Once he was a seventh grader, (and yes I know that sixth-grade and even fifth-grade can be considered middle school), I knew he would enjoy having more independent work time. Even if he hadn’t enjoyed it, I knew it was important for him to learn to do work on his own. I wanted him to learn time management skills. I wanted him to have the freedom to choose when to do his work. I wanted him to have quiet time to do his own reading and writing, with me there as an advisor.
All of my middle schoolers since then have greatly valued their independent learning time. In fact, they’ve valued it so much that they have often tried to reduce their family learning time, something I have resisted. We do want our middle schoolers to learn to be independent in their studying, but we also want them connected to the family. This is the case even if they are asking for complete independence. Most 11 to 14-year-olds aren’t quite ready to be completely on their own. And the connection that we experience in reading and learning together is one of the greatest benefits of homeschooling. So I have not wanted to give that up for my middle school students.
To encourage independence, consider giving your students a planner.Apologia makes student planners that I enjoy using. But I have also enjoyed using the record keeping forms that I have created myself. Get your record keeping forms here. I have also used Trello as a digital alternative to student planners and liked it. Regardless of what you use as a student planner, your middle school student needs to know your expectations of him or her. This will allow your child to work confidently without you.
Middle school is also an excellent time to consider enrolling your child in an outside course, whether that is an online course like the Mr. D math courses my kids have taken, or a class in your local learning center. Middle school is a good time to let your child experience the expectations of another teacher. As much as possible, encourage your child to be responsible for submitting homework on time.
#2 Teach Study Skills
My second suggestion for homeschooling middle schoolers is related to the first and that is to teach your child study skills. I mentioned in a previous podcast episode that Apologia’s science curriculum has been enormously beneficial to my kids in teaching them study skills. An outside course or even a course that you teach that involves taking quizzes or tests can be a great introduction to learning to study. If you are interested in course on study skills, your local co-op may offer a class that could be beneficial. There are also resources that you can use at home for this purpose.
The middle school years offer you the opportunity to see your child’s approach to dealing with long-term to-do’s. Does your child put off studying and assignments until the last minute? Come alongside your middle schooler and offer your support. I have also mentioned my experience in suggesting to my middle schooler to give me a list of assignments and chores that he had to do on a given day. I then helped him create a reasonable schedule for his day. I also helped to keep my child on track by timing each subject. Offer as much support as needed but no more. Praise your students for becoming more independent and more responsible. You may wish to set shorter deadlines than your student has for a class so that you can review the work and make sure your child isn’t procrastinating. The Everything Guide to Study Skills and the Middle School Student’s Guide to Ruling the World are study skills curricula worth checking out.
#3 Teach Social Skills
If you are having your child participate in church activities or outside classes for the first time, middle school is an excellent time to focus on teaching social skills. We all remember middle school, don’t we? It seems to be the beginning of the worst behavior in young people. Your child may encounter some of this bad behavior and will need your help in learning how to rrespond. It is not unusual for a middle school child to be reluctant to engage in a number of social activities. This is a time when appearance begins to become more of a focus. Children are often harshly judged for not conforming to the rules of the group. I discussed social skills training in an episode I did on video game alternatives. In it, I provided you with a link to excellent, free curriculum for teaching social skills.
If your child is reluctant to engage with others socially, find out why. Your child may have a very good reason for being reluctant. You may be able to find alternative social outlets for your child or you may be able to help your child feel comfortable in social settings he or she is already in. That may involve you chaperoning or your child inviting a trusted friend to attend.
In addition, it’s important that we don’t shame our child. But we do want to point out behaviors we see that won’t be accepted by peers. It’s much better that we point out these behaviors than a mean-spirited middle schooler.
Middle school is an important time to talk about social media. Even if your child doesn’t have a cell phone or popular social media accounts, talk about the positive and negative aspects of using social media. It’s important not to take a one-sided stance. People continue to use social media because it’s rewarding. Remind them not only of the risks, but explain how to manage those risks. Every social media platform allows blocking, for example. Be sure to communicate that if your child has a problem with social media, even if they haven’t obeyed you, that you will help them without condemnation. Children at this age can have difficulty seeing solutions to their problems and may feel hopeless.
#4 Teach About Puberty
My next suggestion is to talk to your child about puberty. If you haven’t already done so, it’s important to talk with your child about proper hygiene. You may need to come up with a way to remind your child to wear deodorant. Shower frequency may need to be increased. It may also be a time when your child wants to adopt a new look. As long as the look your child likes will not get your child a lot of negative attention or doesn’t conflict with your family’s rules, consider it. Some children who already feel uncomfortable socially want to adopt a style that is very different. The reason for this is so your child has a handy explanation for why he is being mistreated. In other words, your middle schooler can tell himself that he isn’t being rejected because he is overweight or has acne, but because he has a blue mohawk. It’s an attempt at preserving self-esteem, but it is not a good pattern to establish for adulthood.
In addition to talking about menstruation and sexual development, you also want to talk with your child about the hormonal changes he or she may experience. I did an episode on homeschooling through hormones. If you see some behavior or emotion that you believe is tied to hormones, it’s a good idea to discuss it with your child. Even if you’ve had a conversation about hormones in the past, your child has likely forgotten and may be wondering if something is really wrong with her. Hormones can be so confusing even to us moms.
Middle school is a time to affirm your child’s development. Talk about positive changes you see. Remind them that acne is a universal plague. Share your own middle school awkward memories. Chat about your views on dating and relationships. Avoid coming across as legalistic. Emphasize that you want your child to build friendships with people of the opposite sex as friendship is a good foundation.
#5 Teach Apologetics
As your middle schooler begins to develop a mind of her own, she may have more pointed questions about faith. This is particularly the case when your middle schooler is an advanced for gifted learner. The worst thing we can do in this situation is to panic. I once had a friend who was an atheist tell me that he was thankful I was willing to answer his challenging questions about my faith. He told me that he had relatives who weren’t even willing to discuss it with him. I responded that I could answer his questions because I was so confident in my faith. If we become anxious and defensive when our child begins to ask challenging questions, they may come away with the same reaction my friend had. I think this is a time in your child’s life when it’s important to involve other Christians in your child’s faith education. That can be done through classes on apologetics or worldview. It can also be done through your church with a pastor, youth leader, or other mentor. Someone you engage to help you with your child should be very confident in his faith and accustomed to young people’s challenges. TrueU is an excellent video series from Focus on the Family designed for college-bound students that you could also go through with your middle schoolers. It addresses the questions your middle schooler is likely to have.
We always want to be praying for our children but when our children reach middle school, we have to step up our efforts in praying for their hearts. We also want to model Christ’s love for them as they entered this new season.
#6 Earn Your Child’s Buy-in to Homeschooling
Middle school is a time when children who have been homeschooled may begin to talk about going to a traditional school. If that is an issue in your home, listen to the episode I did on what to do if your child wants to go to school. My personal opinion is that middle school is not the best time for a homeschooled child to go to a traditional school. You shouldn’t be surprised that is my opinion, given so many of the changes that a child is going through and the behavioral problems that are characteristic of this age group. That being said, I have known students who have previously attended school who went back in the middle school years and there was no problem.
Whether or not your child is interested in going to school, the middle school years are important years to earn your child’s interest in homeschooling. When our kids were younger they believed us without question that homeschooling was the best option for them. Now that they have been developing their own opinions, they may question whether homeschooling is really the best choice. You may want to revisit with them why you chose to homeschool in the first place. Consider taking them with you to listen to speakers at a conference who are explaining why homeschooling is such a fantastic option.
But beyond explaining our reasons to homeschool, we have to make homeschooling appealing for our young people. This means that we help our kids discover what their talents are, what their interests are, and at the same time engage them in being willing to take some risks. Middle schoolers are socially risk averse. They do not want to do things that could make them look foolish. To combat your child’s reluctance, do what you have to do to reward your child for trying a new social event, class, or activity. I have offered a child money (and I’m not ashamed of it), the chance to engage in a preferred activity, and the option to bring a friend in order to get him to try something. Your children are highly unlikely to say that we were right in encouraging them to try something new, but they will be learning an important lesson that they can take with them into life. I think it’s a good idea to talk about our expectations and the way we talk about future events and activities as well. I explain to my kids that I have no idea whether something is going to be lame or not. But I explain that either way it will be an experience we can talk about and learn from.
Just because our students are getting older, we don’t want school to be all work and no play. We want to make sure middle schoolers have plenty of time to do the things they enjoy doing. We want to continue to have a balanced approach to education, including things like field trips and hands-on activities. Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers has a list of hands-on activities to do with your middle schooler. I also like to remind my middle schoolers of the advantages of homeschooling when they sleep in or do something fun with our family that their traditional school counterparts could not do.
Finally, it’s important to remember that middle schoolers are still children. They still need affection, attention, and lots of love and affirmation. I believe when you encourage independent learning, teach study skills, teach social skills, teach about puberty, teach apologetics, earn your child’s homeschool buy-in, and cover everything in prayer, we can love homeschooling middle school students.
Which of these suggestions are you most interested in implementing with your middle schooler? Comment and let me know.
You started off with one math curriculum and switched. You taught history using unit studies and then switched to a chronoligical approach. You’ve been studying some science topics in depth and others you haven’t touched on. Should you be worried?
That is the subject of my podcast interview with Charlene Notgrass this week. She convinced me that you and I don’t need to worry about gaps. Here’s why:
Every education has gaps.
It isn’t possible to learn every aspect of every subject, regardless of how your child is being educated. Public school students have gaps, private school students have gaps, and homeschool students have gaps.
There is some information you won’t teach your child even if you use the best curriculum you can find. It just isn’t possible. Because that’s true, we have to decide what we will teach our children and what we won’t.
Charlene discusses an amazing example of how her daughter invested enormous amounts of hours into a passion of hers. That passion continues to be an important part of her daughter’s life today. Had Charlene insisted on studying everything with a light touch, her daughter would have missed the life-changing opportunity that homeschooling allowed her.
That in-depth study should be directed to our children’s natural talent or bent. That means if our child is crazy about computers, we can spend an inordinate amount of time on this subject and less on reading classic books this child doesn’t enjoy.
Our children’s learning won’t end when they graduate from high school. They have time to keep learning. If we use our homeschooling years to instill a love of learning and teach our kids how to teach themselves, God will fill the gaps that He chooses to fill.
That doesn’t mean we want to send our children to college or a trade or even to homemaking without the skills they need. We must do our best to teach our kids to read, write, and calculate. If they struggle, we must get help for them, just as we would get help if they had a physical impairment.
Christian homeschoolers also need to be taught the faith. I believe an education in Bible (including memorization), theology, and apologetics are essential.
The responsibility for educating a child is daunting. That’s why we depend on God to fill the gaps. Throughout history, we see examples of men and women who didn’t have the education to be world changers and yet they were. After all, God used uneducated fisherman to change the world.
I have seen Him fill the gaps in my life as well. I hadn’t taken a course in world history in all my educational years. It was a gap that God filled gloriously with homeschooling. I have so loved learning history with my children. I didn’t take any courses in teaching, yet I have taught preschool through the college level in the past 21 years. I don’t have a degree in English, yet I’ve worked as a freelance writer and have written language arts curriculum.
In the same way, God is faithful to fill the gaps in your child’s education, too. Cover your educational choices in prayer. Be diligent. Then trust God to do the rest.
What gaps in your own education has God filled in your life? Let me know in the comments.
Do you have so many curriculum options that you don’t know what to use? That was the problem one of my readers had. I could relate. After all, the longer you homeschool, the more books you purchase, and the tougher the decisions can be. Here is how I’ve overcome this decision paralysis.
If your main struggle is curriculum addiction, you’ll want to listen to the podcast I did on the topic. Sometimes we have a problem saying no to buying one more option. The more options we have, the more difficult it will be to decide what to do this year. I also did an episode on the questions you should ask when choosing curriculum. However, when you’ve already spent the money and your bookshelves are full, how do you decide? That’s what I want to address today.
Homeschoolers Who Love Options
As I considered this problem, I realized I have confronted it in many areas of my life. I am someone who wants to do it all. I want to write books in multiple genres. Truth be told, I’d love to be a Christian podcaster and speaker and not just a homeschool one. I’d love to write and speak about a variety of topics. I’d also like to teach in a co-op and maybe at the university again. I’d like to get more involved in homeschool activities and leadership.
There is a term for people like me. We have so many interests and we get depressed when we are told we have to choose one to focus on. We are called scanners, multipotentialites, Renaissance women, and polymaths. I think of myself as a Holly Hobby. In the past I felt bad about my habit of trying to do it all. It felt immature. It’s true that in trying to do it all, you rarely finish anything. That was discouraging and hurt my self-esteem. Then I read the book Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher. She has dealt with many people like me and has some solutions for us. I am going to pull from one of her solutions to address the problem of curriculum paralysis. You can use it to deal with paralysis in other areas of your life as well.
What I am not going to say to my reader with curriculum paralysis is just as important as what I am going to say. I am not going to tell her she has to decide on one option and get rid of the rest. This is terribly depressing and discouraging to a Holly Hobby. It’s like telling her that she can choose one ride to go on at Disney World. No, she won’t be able to go on every ride and see every show, but she has to believe that she can when she enters the park in order to be happy. We know there’s no way she can do My Father’s World, Classical Conversations, and Tapesty of Grace at the same time. But telling her to choose just one for all time isn’t the right response.
Decide Which Curriculum to Use This Year
So here is the right response: schedule your curriculum. To begin, that means to decide which curricula you absolutely want to use this year. If you can tell yourself that you will use some of them next year, you’ll reduce some of the options for this school year.
How can you put something great off an entire year? By choosing curricula that really can wait without your children becoming too old for it. If it’s a history curriculum or something that isn’t strictly age-dependent, wait on it. For each, ask what’s the worst that can happen if you wait a year to use it.
Another way to decide which curriculum to use this year is to consider what’s most exciting to you. Take a look at your bookshelves and move the options you are most eager to use to the front. If you do this every year and there are books that are always at the back of the shelf, you’ve made a decision about what not to use, but in a less painful way. I have books that I have never used because of this process. While I regret that I haven’t used them, I know I made the right choice. I’ve been able to pass them along to homeschoolers who will want to use them.
Another way to limit your options for this year is to decide how many different curricula you think is reasonable to use for one subject (that includes all-in-one curricula that also covers the subject at hand). If your friend was using three math curricula this year for the same student, does that seem like too much? If it does, settle on a number that makes sense to you.
Next, ask yourself if using multiple curricula at once will make any of them less effective. For example, if you are doing poetry tea time with Brave Writer and poetry memorization with IEW and the Grammar of Poetry, your kids may not enjoy the relaxing and fun aspect of poetry tea time. They may end up hating poetry! This is the same issue with using a curriculum that is great because of short lessons. Stacking many curricula for the same subject will erase its advantage in motivating your children.
If you still can’t decide how many curriculum options to use for the same subject, ask your veteran homeschool friends — and not the ones who are always trying to impress. If you presented using My Father’s World, Classical Conversations, and Tapestry of Grace this year to your experienced homeschool friends, they would laugh. You can also ask your kids. Show them how much work they would be expected to complete each week for each subject and if they seem alarmed and not just reluctant, you’ll know you’re trying to teach too much at once.
Once you have decided on a number for each subject or for an all-in-one curriculum, go to your shelf that you’ve arranged according to excitement. For example, if you think using two Bible curricula this year is reasonable for you, go to your shelf and choose the two you’ve moved to the front as the most exciting options. Then, and this is very important, move the books you will not be using this year out of sight. I have a storage area in my basement for books I’m not using. It helps me to feel confident and to be less distracted when I don’t see those other options tempting me.
Schedule Curriculum for This Year
Once you know the materials you will teach this school year, decide how you’re going to schedule those options. I see three good choices.
First, choose the day or days of the week that you will use each. For example, some of my customers use a different language arts curriculum Monday through Thursday and then do Grammar Galaxy on Fridays. For some curriculum options, this means you will not finish it this year. Is that acceptable to you? It may be if it is a supplement, a fun curriculum, or something you plan to continue the following year. Create a schedule for which curriculum you will use on which days that your whole family can see. A schedule will help hold you accountable so you aren’t dragging something else out of storage.
A second option is to use a loop schedule for your curriculum. When I have explained loop scheduling at conferences, some people are confused. I’m going to try to make it clear, but if it isn’t, Proverbial Homemaker has a Loop Scheduling workshop. So maybe you have Fix It Grammar and Grammar Galaxy in the loop for 11:00 in your homeschool day. If you used Fit It Grammar the last time you did language arts at 11:00, you’d use Grammar Galaxy today at 11. Or, if last Friday you used Fix It Grammar, you’d use Grammar Galaxy this Friday. A loop schedule works well when your schedule is unpredictable and it allows you to fit in a number of options. You can loop more than one option, too. So maybe you want to loop your Kids Cook Real Food course, an art course, and a music appreciation course for a block on Fridays. You can use a schedule that hangs on the wall with pockets for activities. You would move the card for each activity back as you use it when looping. Alternatively, you can write your loop options on an index card and move a paper clip to mark which option is up next.
A final schedule option is to use one curriculum for part of the year — a quarter or semester. We tend to do this when we think a curriculum isn’t working, but this would be a planned change. The advantage of this is you keep things simple by just using one option at a time and you change about the time you and the kids are getting bored. The thing to keep in mind with this option is the need for continuity of subject matter. If you’re going to change math curriculum at the semester, you wouldn’t want to start at the beginning of the new book if the material has already been covered. On the other hand, the kids may not understand how to do the problems in the middle of the book if they haven’t seen how the material is handled at the beginning. For this reason, I don’t recommend changing certain curricula mid-year. If your kids are struggling with the material, changing mid-year is fine. It’s no problem to change Bible or history curriculum mid-year, for example. Even language arts can be changed mid-year, depending on the scope and sequence.
If you’re still feeling paralyzed, ask a verteran homeschooling friend to come over and go through this process with you. Verbalize why you want to use each curricula, and most likely you’ll know what to do, even if your friend says nothing.
One final thought. You are the teacher. People were homeschooling successfully before there was curriculum written specifically for homeschoolers. Your decision is not going to make or ruin your kids. If you are a reasonably consistent teacher and pour love into your homeschooling, your kids will do well.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
