Getting Fit NOW or Never on Facebook posted this photo explaining that this young woman had allowed her boyfriend to tattoo his name on her face as a sign of her love. By the way, his name is Rus, not Bus.
The comments summarized what I initially thought of this decision: dumb! Definitely one of those dumb ways to live I have discussed earlier. But I couldn’t get this picture out of my head.
Why I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About This Picture
You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that this poor girl is going to regret her decision. The guy will cheat on her or dump her. Beginning a new relationship will be very difficult. Who wants to bring home the girl with another guy’s name on her face? But maybe I’m too pessimistic. She could beat the odds and stay with her boyfriend for life–maybe even get married. But her life is still ruined. People will always assume she is a reckless rebel, even if she matures. She could get the tattoo removed, but will be scarred for life.
Why Every Parent Needs to Save This Picture
Not one of the thousands of commenters on Facebook applauded what this girl did. They all thought it was stupid! But there is something our children may choose to do that will scar them for life that WOULD be applauded by the majority of people on Facebook and even the majority of people in your church: have sex outside of marriage.
Pam Stenzel warns young women that while a guy they sleep with may be able to walk away from premarital sex without a devastating sexually-transmitted disease, they aren’t likely to have the same fate. One in four young people today has an STD and many of these diseases aren’t curable. Among those that are, many have no symptoms and aren’t treated. The consequences include potential infertility, cancer, and even death.
I share with 8th graders at my church that while it IS possible they can have premarital or extra-marital sex and not be scarred physically, they cannot avoid the spiritual scarring. Andy Stanley teaches that every person we have sex with takes a little bit of our soul. Why? The Bible teaches that sex creates one person out of two (Gen. 2:24). To demonstrate this, I have sealed an envelope. Then I attempt to unseal what I have made into one, representing a break-up or divorce. There are pieces left behind. In other words, try to separate from someone you’ve been made one with and you’re scarred for life.
I urge you to share this picture with your older child and talk about the scarring we experience when we have a physical relationship with someone we’re not married to and walk away. For girls, it’s like having a guy’s name tattooed on your face and then being rejected. (Please pray for this poor young woman.) For guys, it’s like tattooing your name on a girl’s face and leaving her scarred physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
What Other Resources Do You Recommend for Teaching Your Kids Purity?
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I was born with soft, paper-thin, peeling nails and never understood why I hadn’t been given the gene for my mother’s gorgeous fingernails.
I never bothered to paint them, because in no time, my nails would tear off and look hideous anyway.
The Search for a Solution
As a teen, I’d heard that Knox gelatin could change my nails. I can’t honestly say I consumed lots of this stuff, but what I did eat didn’t seem to make a difference.
I tried getting expensive salon nails, because I figured I was destined to require them. I was at a dance when mine started flying off, leaving even thinner nails behind.
My next attempt at rescuing my nails was to use a nail strengthener. Over the past 30 years, I’ve used many of them. They always worked temporarily. If I was religious about using them, my nails grew a bit before they were torn off.
The most researched solution I tried was biotin. This vitamin is supposed to make a difference in your nails, but alas for me, it didn’t. My nails continued to be weak, despite taking biotin faithfully.
I was hopeful that I had found the answer, however. Lack of iron is supposed to contribute to poor nails. As I’d been anemic in the past, I figured iron supplements would do the trick. Nope! Layers of my nails continued to peel.
I was ready to give up when I read an article online that gave me the surprising solution to my no-nails dilemma.
How to Grow Your Nails
1. Keep your nails from getting wet. If you wash dishes or clean with wet solutions frequently, wear gloves. I knew that wasn’t my problem. Instead, as long as I could remember, I had put my nails in my mouth. A lot. I didn’t bite them off, but I put them in my mouth as a nervous habit. When I was driving or trying to solve a problem, my nails went in my mouth. When I was most anxious, I chewed them like leather.
2. File away the rough edges immediately. I wasn’t doing this consistently. I put it off, ignoring the fact that rough edges made it inevitable that my nails would catch on something and tear off.
I had to be constantly vigilant to put this advice into action. I had no idea how frequently I put my nails in my mouth! And what’s more, I couldn’t believe that I thought I could chew on my nails and have them be strong. But as I refrained from doing so and filed as soon as I saw any sharp corners or ragged edges on my nails, they started to grow.
My nails had grown before, but this time was different. While they weren’t rock hard nails, they were strong. I could actually tap them on the counter and make noise! And that was without nail strengthener. The photo taken above was taken before I had grown them to their maximum length. Surprisingly enough, I’ve found I don’t like them as long as they can be! I’ve cut myself with them playing tennis. For the first time, I actually have to trim my nails with a clipper. They’re so strong that they don’t tear off. They actually break!
What Does This Have to Do With Changing Your Life?
No, having longer, stronger nails hasn’t really changed my life. What has is what I’ve learned in growing them out. As with so many other areas of my life where I’ve desired change, I spent lots of time looking for the unique solution to growing my nails. I was sure there was some magic potion that would accomplish what I wanted. There wasn’t.
Instead, I learned that most of the time, changing your life means not destroying it yourself. It isn’t that we need a new diet or exercise plan. We need to stop eating when we aren’t hungry. It isn’t that we need a better coupon organizing system; we need to stop buying things we don’t need. I didn’t need to find the right nail strengthener. I needed to stop weakening my nails by putting them in my mouth and chewing them. I was like the foolish woman who tore her house down with her own hands (Prov. 14:1). It wasn’t genetics that had destroyed my nails; it was me.
The solution is often so simple, we don’t see it.
The second piece of advice is like it. Filing away the ragged edges immediately is like addressing life’s problems right away. When we eat those cookies when we’ve already had a filling meal, we need to ask ourselves why and take steps to prevent it in the future. When we come home with a purchase we don’t need, we need to return it right away. It’s like my mama always used to say: “Nip it in the bud!”
If we ignore this wisdom, we will continue living with weak nails and a weak life. We’ll waste our time and money on solutions that aren’t solutions at all.
What about you? What have you tried to grow your nails and change your life? What will you try now?
Have you wondered if a new approach to productivity could help you in your home management, homeschooling, or business? I have.
My Passion for Productivity
My life is full with being a wife of an active husband, a mother of six, a home educator, fitness enthusiast, scrapbooker, tennis player, church volunteer, speaker, writer, and more. Over the years, many people have told me that I need to learn to say no. So that’s just what I say to them: “no!”
I love everything I do and I don’t want to eliminate any of those roles or activities. What I do instead is seek to make the most of every precious day I’ve been given. That means I try lots of productivity tips, techniques, and tools. People who know me best laugh when I talk about my latest-and-greatest way of working, because they know it won’t be long before I’m on to the next thing.
Can You Relate?
My guess is you can. Posts on productivity are some of my most popular here on Psychowith6 and I couldn’t be happier about that. I have to write to you about my passion, because my friends won’t listen to me anymore!
It used to bother me that I couldn’t just stick to one approach to time management. It doesn’t anymore. As Loren Pinilis of Life of a Steward reminds us, God is okay with us finding what works for us. Doing that may require lots of exploration to fine-tune your system.
Use a different productivity approach every week for a year
I’m going to rate each method and write about it here. I know, it’s nuts. I’m sure the crockpot lady asked herself what she was thinking after the first week! But I’m going to lay down some ground rules that I think will help:
If I need to quit doing something because I absolutely hate it, I will. The point is not to torture myself, but to discover what works for me and maybe for you, too.
I won’t completely abandon strategies I’ve come to rely on. For example, I use Google Calendar alerts on my iPhone to keep me from forgetting appointments.
I’m committed to writing about the approach I’ll be using for the upcoming work week each Friday, but I’m more committed to my family and my sanity. If something comes up, I’ll try to let you know on the way to the hospital. Not.
I reserve the right to take vacations and the right to call the end of December 2013 “a year.” So I didn’t start this January 1. Sue me. I’ll return your money.
Care to Join Me in a Year of Living Productively?
If you prefer to read as you’re able and silently snicker at my shenanigans, feel free. But if you’d like to take the adventure with me, I’d love the company! You’ll have the weekend to prepare to use the given method. Come Monday, give the new approach a shot and report back on your results, rating it for its ability to help you be productive on a 1-10 scale. If you’re a homeschooler, you could even try some of these methods with your older kids and get their feedback. And if you have a method you’d like me to test for you, I will certainly be your productivity guinea pig.
Week 1
Because you don’t have much advance notice,Week 1 is going to be the Old Faithful paper to-do list. Nothing fancy! You can use a sheet of paper, a pretty notebook, or a note card–just no sticky notes. Write down anything you have to do on your list and cross it off as you complete it. There are no other rules than that.
You’ve always been a good girl. Mostly. In fact, you often go out of your way to be nice, helpful, and accommodating to others. Isn’t that what Christian women are supposed to do? You’ve gotten your ‘atta girl’s, but lately you’re resentful. You’re starting to feel like a giver in a world full of takers.
The Problem With Being a Good Girl
I’ve been a good girl my whole life–not that I’ve never done anything wrong. If you’ve read So You’re Not Wonder Woman, you know that’s not the case! But my identity has been tied up with being nice, even when others are nasty. Maybe even, especially when others are nasty.
After all, the first rule many of us learned whether we attended church or not is:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
The Golden Rule is a wonderful life philosophy as long as you don’t add to it. Only recently did I realize that I have extended the rule to be:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and they will do likewise.
When people in my life have failed to do likewise, I have treated them like they’re hard of hearing. I turned up the volume of my niceness. I have gone to great lengths to be generous, encouraging, and thoughtful. When I still didn’t get reciprocation, I would either amp up my kindness to ludicrous levels or I would try to get their attention with my irritation.
You guessed it. They still didn’t live by the Golden Rule.
The result at various times has been anger, depression, and a sense of hopelessness about relationships.
You’d Think a Psychologist Could Figure This Out
In my professional relationship with clients, I had no problems. I was being paid to be the giver. I didn’t expect the people I saw in my clinical practice to encourage me or do nice things for me. But in my personal relationships, I was very disappointed. And I mean very disappointed.
As with many breakups, the end of my relationship with my first girlfriend came in fits and starts rather than as an abrupt but mercifully irreversible amputation. Yet even after we both recognized the relationship was finally over, she continued to ask me for favors – to pick her up from the airport, to take notes for her in class, to help her change the oil in her car – and I, inexplicably, continued to grant them.
Then while chanting one morning I found myself ruminating about how she continued to expect me to perform these favors, my indignation only rising after I’d finished chanting and began showering. And as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair and the last of the soapy water went swirling down the drain, I made a sudden and angry determination to refuse her the next time she asked for one.
At that moment, the phone rang. After I’d finished drying off, one of my roommates told me that it had been her calling and that she’d asked if I would call her back before I left for school. As I walked toward the phone I told myself that when she asked me for the favor for which I knew she’d called, I’d say no. I called her up, and sure enough, she asked me if I would record a television show for her on my VCR. Yet even as I went to speak the word, “No,” I heard my mouth say, “Yes.”
I hung up – and laughed out loud. I was as powerless to refuse her as I was to lift my car with my bare hands. And yet learning this failed to discourage me. On the contrary, it excited me – because if I could recognize this fact, I thought, I could find a way to change it.
Immediately, I decided I would begin chanting with the determination to free myself from my inability to say no. And months later, while chanting, I had an insight: the reason I remained unable to refuse her favors was that, in my mind, I’d signed a Good Guy Contract with her (a term, ironically, I learned later from her). Until that moment of insight, I had no idea what a Good Guy Contract was, much less that it was the standard contract I consistently established with almost everyone I knew. But in that startling moment of clarity I understood not only what it was but why I kept signing it. My self-esteem, which I’d previously believed had been built on things solely internal, was in fact entirely dependent on something external: the goodwill of others. The Good Guy Contract was simple: I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you, and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, excellent in every way, and finally and most importantly, you would like me.
With my girlfriend, however, I hadn’t only expected to be liked; I’d expected to be loved. And once I’d had a taste of that love, I became addicted to it, which was why, when she took it away from me, I became profoundly depressed. Not because, as I’d originally thought, I’d been left by someone I thought was the love of my life, but because I genuinely believed that without that love I couldn’t be happy. Why, then, did I keep doing favors for her after we’d ended our relationship? Because I couldn’t shake the Good Guy habit. Some part of me believed if I continued to fulfill my contractual obligations to her, she’d start fulfilling hers again to me.
I didn’t know at the time, but at the moment I awoke to my propensity to sign Good Guy Contracts, I stopped doing it. I recognized this only in retrospect three months later, however, when my best friend came to me asking why I seemed to have stopped paying attention to many of our mutual friends. My first reaction was to become defensive and deny it. But then I stopped myself, realizing that he was absolutely right. I wondered why I had in fact become so dismissive of many of my friends until I realized that I’d somehow stopped needing their approval to sustain my self-esteem. Freed from the need for them to like me, I was able to recognize that these were people with whom I had little in common, so I’d subsequently – and unconsciously – lost interest in them. My insight, in other words, had done more than show me what I’d been: it had changed me into someone I wanted to be, someone who could love and value himself without needing to be loved by anyone else.
Why I Needed to Cancel My Contract and You Do, Too
Certainly, expecting people people to abide by the terms of a contract is understandable. But what I realized is that I was the only one who had signed the Good Girl Contract. The people I was bending over backwards to please had no idea what my expectations were, or if they did, they didn’t care. Some of them quickly figured out that if they said no thanks to my goodness behind Door #1, there was more niceness to come.
My first reaction to Alex’s account was that I needed to do what it took to stop being taken advantage of. The best way to do that, I was sure, was to only spend time with people who would abide by the terms of the contract. But I could distinctly recall making that decision before. It didn’t work. Invariably, someone who fulfilled their contractual obligations to my goodness for a while, would fail.
And while I was encouraged by Alex’s words, I felt uncomfortable, too. First, I’ve long disliked the term self-esteem. I can’t esteem myself highly because I know every rotten thing I’ve ever thought, said, or done. And second, I really do need to be loved by someone else. It’s true that I don’t need everyone to love me, but I certainly need to be loved. And there’s a direct correlation between being loved and feeling good about self.
I was able to put the final two pieces of the Good Girl Contract puzzle into place when this Scripture leaped off the page at a retreat I recently attended:
For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Mark 10:45
Like Jesus, you and I are called–not to sign a contract with others where they promise to be nice in return–but to simply serve them. No expectations. Just giving because you want to give.
If you’re like me, that makes sense to you, but you’re still wondering:
“What about me?” I can’t just give, give, give all the time.
That’s when something else my friend shared with me rang true:
You have to come from a place of abundance to be able to give freely.
In order to cancel our Good Girl Contracts, we need another way to get love–and a lot of it. We need to be bathed in encouragement, affirmation, kindness, forgiveness, peace, and hope. There’s only one source for that kind of abundance: Jesus. Only in spending a lavish amount of time with the Savior will we overflow with goodness we can share with others.
The extraordinary thing is that He has signed a Good God Contract with us. No matter how we fail to follow the Golden Rule, He will still be a Good God.
Life Without a Contract
Adjusting to life after canceling my contract has been challenging for me. While I seem to be willing to cancel my contract with certain people, I still keep hoping that they’ll notice and decide to play nice. That means the contract is still in effect. The goal is to give with a cheerful heart and not a needy one or to release myself from giving completely because it isn’t in either of our best interests.
I’m learning to recognize the blessing in people not abiding by the terms of my contract.
My husband sells library books to schools. Some school districts have contracts with one vendor. The librarians in those districts cannot meet with him and take advantage of what he has to offer, which in many cases is much better than what they have. Only if the district becomes unhappy with their contractual vendor will they begin to explore their options. Being released from our contract, whether that’s our doing or because someone else won’t play by the rules, means we are free to experience new relationships. My husband’s sales won’t grow if he doesn’t look for new customers and God’s kingdom won’t grow if we’re satisfied with the relationships we have under contract.
I’m committed to seeing failed contracts as an opportunity to share the love of Christ with someone new. And my prayer is that with the Lord’s help, I won’t be a Good Girl, but the beloved servant of a Great God.
Have you signed a Good Girl Contract? Are you willing to cancel it?
You homeschool because you feel called by God to teach your children. You homeschool because you want to build their godly character. But let’s be honest. You also homeschool because you want your kids to be smart!
At the very least, you want your children to have a good education. You don’t want them to end up on Jay Leno’s Jaywalking segment. (This is when he asks people questions like, “When was the War of 1812?” and they don’t know.)
Why I Wanted Nothing to Do With Classical Conversations
Friends’ experiences with Classical Conversations (CC), while positive, did not convince me that it was for me and my family.
Expense. I thought CC was outside classes that were much too expensive for a large family like mine.
Time. I thought CC would require me to be gone one day a week. That simply wasn’t possible with our family’s schedule.
Dry. When I began homeschooling, the prevailing thinking was to avoid traditional ways of doing school. I knew CC involved lots of memorization. I wanted my kids to read living books and learn actively instead of learning by rote.
Why I Changed My Mind About CC
When my CC-loving friend suggested that I buy the old materials that were on sale cheap, I decided to do some research. I found and read Leigh Bortins’s free ebook and something clicked. I had been homeschooling long enough to learn that memorization was not all bad. While not always fun, it laid the foundation for advanced learning and making connections. I had seen this at work in my teen who learned music as a child, quit the piano for a couple of years, and then returned to it with a passion.
I learned that my children did not have to attend outside classes. I could use CC materials to help my children memorize key information in the major areas at home. What’s more, the materials were quite inexpensive at the time of the sale and buying used. Even new, they’re a bargain for what you get.
I discovered that my kids love to memorize. I sold them on the idea that if they would memorize the information covered in CC, they would be smarter than 95% of other kids. I should note that I just made that figure up. Don’t tell them. The great thing is that they were so motivated that they begged to continue with the second semester’s material when we’d finished the first early.
How to Make CC Work for Your Family
The wonderful thing about doing CC at home is that it works alongside any other curriculum you choose. Using it at home as I do also means that you can use the Cycle that you want (which corresponds to periods of history) and can leave out any aspects you choose. We are using Cycle 3 this year as we are studying American history. We do not do the Latin, choosing instead to study Latin word roots with flashcards. We also don’t use the suggested art or science experiments as we have other curriculum for these subjects.
CC is great for any age, making it perfect for large families like mine. I use the CC CD with Power Point presentations. I connect my laptop to our large-screen TV and everyone can see and hear. My kids, ages 7-14 participate. I explain the purpose of the skip-counting and laugh along with them at the silliness of some of the songs (i.e., the singer laughing at the end of some history songs that seems out of place). We also freely discuss whether or not we like the various songs, which seems to make the process more agreeable.
CC is time-efficient. If we get nothing else done but Bible and CC, I know we’ve covered the most important material. You and your kids can quickly review history, geography, science, English, math, and Latin if you choose. In addition to the CD and guidebook (see a sample of the guidebook here), we also own the history timeline cards. Ours are in clear plastic sleeves in small binders that we got used. We learn these historical events in order as a family, covering just two new events a day. Can you imagine you and your children knowing all the major events of history IN ORDER in one school year? You will experience it if you use this curriculum. If you’re pressed for time, simply cover and review the week’s new material. If you have more time, review the facts you’ve already learned. A full review takes us about 30 minutes. New material takes us only 5-10. You can also purchase music CDs to listen to in the car. I don’t like them because the material isn’t presented by week, but rather by subject. The computer CDs are organized the same way, but are much easier to navigate than a CD player in a 9-passenger van.
You can make CC the basis for a full curriculum if you choose. There are websites like this one with suggestions for how to do it. You can get more information about Classical Conversations at the website and be sure to check out my podcast where we discuss Classical Conversations community programs and ideas for making it work with your curriculum.
What Do You Think?
I should say that I am not affiliated with CC in any way, nor have I received any freebies for this review (too bad, huh?). I’ve just become convinced that many homeschoolers could benefit from including this excellent curriculum in their day.
Have you tried CC classes or curriculum? Are there other reasons that you don’t think CC is for you?
You keep telling yourself to try harder and you’ll succeed. You feel like you’re going out of your way for people, but you’re unappreciated. You write a blog post and get no comments. You’re not getting what you want and it’s frustrating.
Fortunately, Zig Ziglar was right. You CAN get more of what you want by helping others get what they want. Here’s how.
Often I spent a considerable amount of time writing for this blog, but got very few comments. Meanwhile, I was taking a minute every morning to share a quote or Scripture on Facebook and I was getting what I wanted. Several people consistently told me that they really enjoyed my updates.
Know What Others Want
I realized that I was getting the feedback I wanted because I was giving my readers what they wanted: quick-to-read encouragement. After reading Zig Ziglar’s superb book, Better Than Good: Creating a Life You Can’t Wait to Live, I asked myself how I could get even more of what I wanted by helping people get what they wanted. I was in the shower when I got my answer.
I thought I had the perfect formula for getting what I wanted. I would write brief, inspiring blog posts and I would get more feedback, especially on Facebook. So far, it’s working as I hoped it would. But the biggest surprise has been getting what I want offline, too.
Encourage one another daily… Hebrews 3:13
Before I started the new blog, I didn’t realize that the Bible tells us to encourage one another every day. I felt the Lord was calling me to commit to encouraging someone every day and to record what happened. I call this the Random Act of Encouragement Challenge. It’s changed my life dramatically in just a few weeks. Not only am I getting more positive feedback then ever, but I’m able to deal with crazy-making people so much better. It seems when you really commit to encouraging these people, they’re too shocked to say anything rude.
I can’t wait to share more of my experiences with the challenge in a talk called Secrets of the Spirit Lifters at the Women’s Day of Renewal on March 9, 2013 in Collinsville, Illinois. I would love to see you there!
If you would enjoy having daily inspiration in your inbox, I hope you’ll subscribe to The Inspired Day. As part of your subscription, you’ll receive access to the 13 in ’13 Challenge–a brief Bible study based on Nehemiah that can change your life in less than two weeks. If you’re on Facebook and would like to get encouragement in your news feed, please like The Inspired Day and you will. Twitter users can follow me here, Pinterest users here, and if you’re a Christian writer who would like encouragement, please join the Christian Bloggers Conversation group on Facebook.
Thank you
So many of you have been an encouragement to me over the years by commenting, liking my posts on Facebook, sending me email, or just being a great friend. You’ll never know how much that means to me. I am recommitted to encouraging homeschoolers and Christians who want saner living through Psychowith6. God bless you in the coming year!
What type of person is the most difficult for you to encourage?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
