My 16-year-old went off to school for the first time this month.
My neighbor who knew none of my children have ever gone to school outside our home asked me:
Was it hard?
I heard myself answering, but I was sitting across from my then 15-year-old son in a restaurant last spring when he said, “I’m thinking I might want to go high school next year.”
I watched him as he fidgeted and explained his reasons for wanting to finish his education outside of our home, but all I could really see was a two-year-old holding up letter-shaped puzzle pieces and asking, “What dat?” All I could hear was this little boy insisting, “Read, Mama. Read!” I could only see an older boy who read everything he got his hands on, including his Bible. I saw a teen who questioned absolutely everything. And back in the present, I saw a young adult seeking his mother’s approval for something he felt led to do.
As I continued to answer my neighbor’s question, I saw myself weeping alone. I saw myself talking and praying with my husband. I saw my conversation with my son in which I told him honestly, “I don’t want you to go to school!” And I heard him answer, “So why are you letting me go?” I felt the ache in my throat once again when I answered, “Because it’s not about what I want, but what’s best for you.”
I kept talking to my neighbor while I watched my boy heft his backpack on his shoulder and walk toward the bus stop, wondering if he would get picked up, if he would find all his classes, if he would have anyone to sit with at lunch, if he would miss me.
And I realized that answering my neighbor’s question was like answering whether natural labor is hard or grieving a loss is hard or parenting is hard.
I wondered why I had never thought to ask God that question.
Was it hard to send Your only Son away from home, knowing what He would suffer?
I suppose I haven’t asked because I already know the answer:
Love is hard.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Have you ever had a hard time sending a child off to school? How can you encourage another woman who has sent her child out of the nest?
I realize this isn’t a picture of my kids, but this Eastern Garter Snake definitely interested my children. Fortunately, this guy who we found in our pool when we got it open isn’t venomous like the Copperhead that bit our son, Sam. Opening the pool to discover new creatures is always a favorite outdoor activity.
Playing softball with Elaina has been a lot more fun than I thought it would be. This week I told her to put her full weight into her swing and she nearly took me out and with a tennis ball no less! She caught a pop fly during a game and was beaming. The whole family has really enjoyed playing ball together the last couple of weeks.
I’ve made a delightful discovery the past couple of weeks. The kids are thrilled if I am outside just WATCHING them play. That doesn’t mean I can come outside with a book or do anything but ooh and aah over their abilities, but it is nice that not all my time outside has to be actively playing.
I’ve enjoyed taking very quick dips into the pool (the water has been quite chilly!) while the kids play what amounts to King of the Mountain with the float.
Fortunately, we had a not-so-hot day when we could enjoy lunch outside. And yes, that counts!
I really enjoy playing with the Ogodisk with the kids. It’s a much easier to catch (and safer) frisbee and you can also use two of them with the included squishy ball.
I honestly have put in hours of time with the kids outside in the past two weeks. We had two field days! One of those field days I spent talking with friends, but the all-day one had me actively participating with a group of kids. I got so many great ideas for fun things to do outside. One of the most clever was four-way tug-of-war. Using a large rope that’s tied in a loop, four teams line up on one side of the rope that has been shaped into a square. Behind each team is a pin (we used a bowling pin). The first team to pull the rope toward their pin so someone can pick it up wins. The rope is then reshaped into a triangle for three remaining teams and then into a thin oval shape for two teams. Very fun!
A second clever (but very messy) activity was musical buckets. This is just like musical chairs only using 5-gallon buckets filled with water. Some kids enjoyed getting stuck. Other typical, but fun activities included relays, obstacle course races, and capture the flag.
We finished out the two weeks with a family bike ride. It was really hot, so we didn’t last long, but we had a great time seeing turtles and deer as we rode. I asked my husband to teach me how to load the bikes onto the carrier. For all of us to ride, we have to take two vehicles. But it’s worth the effort!
Hope I’ve Given You Some New Ideas for Getting Outside with the Kids!
I’ll admit it. I’ve been bad. I’ve been doing a series on my personal blog, psychowith6, chronicling my attempts at spending 15 minutes a day with the kids outside. It’s really supposed to be interacting with the kids and not me doing what I want outside while the kids happen to be there, too. That’s the problem!
What’s a Personal Blog?
A second problem I’ve had is keeping up with three blogs in addition to six kids. I’ve tried to keep this blog more professional than personal. I’ve realized that this is more than just a time management problem. You probably aren’t reading this blog simply to get information, but to interact with me on various topics. What’s great about that is that’s what I want too. Just as I don’t want to be outside with my kids doing my own thing, I don’t want to hang out here in cyber space not getting to know you better.
So Not Wonder Woman is going to be a personal blog. I have no idea when or even how I will make the switch over, but if you’re a friend or family member who only catches up with me on psychowith6, I hope you’ll subscribe to Not Wonder Woman or will “Like” me on Facebook to get updates. What will you get if you subscribe to this blog? I don’t know yet. We can both be surprised! One thing I do know is that I have a great meal planning ebook in the works and you’ll probably get it free if you’re on my list.
What’d You Do Outside?
Week 9 was honestly spent running around getting ready to go on vacation to our favorite place: Gulf Shores, Alabama. I was outside cleaning the van we call Air Force One with the kids and getting it wired up to become our rolling entertainment center. It was our first time taking the new van to Alabama and we loved it. Maybe too much. I wonder if we were so comfortable that we blissfully drove an hour in the wrong direction on the way back home. Whoops!
The 15 Minutes Outside Challenge has been such a challenge that I spent time on the beach figuring out the problem. I don’t have a plan! It’s become another “What’s for Dinner?” dilemma each day. My intention is to create a great list of things to do outside with the kids. I’ve also signed up for Streakly to motivate me to create a long streak of consecutive days with time outside with the kids. I’ll let you know how it goes. Now to Week 10.
Week 10
The kids, the beach, and my camera–a perfect recipe for a delicious time outside. This is Nick, my baby, and he’s a character. He reminds me of his Grandpa Jack with his curly hair and easy-going personality.
This is my photogenic daughter, Elaina. I got a lot of gorgeous shots of her and will be using them in future posts I’m sure. Unfortunately, she got a really bad sunburn the first day on the beach. That seems to happen every year no matter what we do.
The rays that kept swimming up and down the beach were new this year. We aren’t sure if they are sting rays or manta rays or even if they were dangerous, but there were people who seemed to enjoy being the warning system, telling us they were on their way.
I absolutely love this photo. There’s just one problem. My oldest son, Caleb, is missing. He had to stay with his aunt and uncle so he could be home to take his AP exams. I tried to work it out so he could join us, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s a sign of things to come I’m afraid.
How’s this for spending time with the kids outside? We took a dolphin cruise and this was one of the sweet critters who surfed the boat’s wake.
Have you been getting outside with the kids? Or just getting outside?
Because I’m a Wonder Woman, I have a lot going on. Maybe you can relate. On a regular basis, I wonder what’s most important in my life, my week, and my day. Should I be spending more time:
Unfortunately, the answer always seems to be YES. They all seem to be important, worthwhile activities. And although I have written about the JOY method for prioritizing my time, the truth is I still struggle on a daily basis with what’s important.
The Bible records the question of a man who was an expert in the law who wanted to test Jesus, but it’s a question I am asking in all sincerity. What’s most important?
36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a]38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:35-39)
I have discovered the power of asking a simple question of my bickering children. I don’t tell them what they said was wrong, against the rules, or punishable. I simply ask, “Was what you said loving?” The question has never failed to elicit an honest response. No matter how upset the guilty party is, there is a hanging of the head and a repentant, “No.”
What’s Most Important?
As I’ve struggled lately to determine which to-do’s are most important on my long list, I find that asking myself, “What’s the loving thing to do?” gives me clarity and peace. I look at my husband who’s wondering what’s for dinner while I try to improve my blog design and I know the loving thing to do. As I wonder how to increase my blog readership while quickly scanning others’ posts, I know the loving thing to do. I see my children playing ball outside while I fret about me, me, me, and I know the loving thing to do.
I’m finishing this blog post as I hear my husband and children making plans for active fun. I know the loving thing to do.
Twelve years ago I gave birth to my third son. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was a boy before the doctor said so. What I didn’t know was how much I would be affected by the knowledge that I would never have a daughter.
My husband and I wanted two to three children when we got married. When boys number one and two arrived, I assumed baby number three would be a girl. I was the oldest with two brothers. Every family I knew growing up either had both genders or all girls. The baby dolls I played with were girls. I never seriously considered that I would have an all-boy family. Until that’s what I had.
The Truth is Taboo
I knew immediately that I couldn’t tell a soul that while I was crazy about my beautiful, healthy newborn son, I was sad about the daughter I would never have. If I were honest about how I felt, people would accuse me of not being grateful for my children or not trusting God or not even being a good mother. After all, there were women in China abandoning babies of the less-preferred gender, weren’t there? To say that I wished for a daughter in addition to my incredible sons was a sin. And so I was silent and I grew very, very depressed.
One thing we know from studying veterans of wars and victims of crime is that if hurting people don’t express what they’re feeling, they are at risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and worse. As I continued to deny my feelings, the stress I was under in parenting three boys ages three and under escalated.
Thankfully, I found a group of women online who felt like I did–women who, like me, assumed they would have a child of both genders, but didn’t. Also, like me, they wrestled with guilt for feeling as they did and with the unwritten rule that you didn’t talk about how you felt. As I got to know these mothers, I learned two things that are important for mothers with the baby gender blues:
You have to talk about it. You might not be able to tell your mother, your in-laws, or even your best friend, but there is another mother out there who knows what you’re going through. Be honest with her about how you feel.
Let go of the guilt. Needing time to adjust to a different plan than you envisioned is not wrong. In fact, the more guilty you feel, the longer the adjustment time.
Others’ Comments are Unkind
When I thought I was adjusting well to the idea that I wouldn’t have a daughter, someone would say something that would set me back. Here are just a few of the things I heard and what I thought:
I just can’t imagine not having my daughters. (She thinks my life will be awful without one.)
I just don’t see you being the mother of a daughter. (I’m not good or girly enough to have a daughter.)
I just got lucky having a girl after having boys. (I’m not lucky.)
That is so, so sad that you don’t have a girl. (There’s no bright side.)
Boys don’t take care of their parents. (I’ll be lonely in my old age.)
You only get to be involved in weddings and with grandkids with your daughters. (I’ll be left out of my kids’ lives.)
With the help of friends who experienced similar unkind comments, I learned two more things that can help mothers with baby gender blues:
People say stupid things that simply aren’t true, even if they believe them. I was blessed with a very close relationship with my mother-in-law. I knew that God willing, I could be close to daughters-in-law, too. I also knew families of all grown boys who took great care of their elderly mother and I knew grandmas with only sons who were very close to their grandkids. Look for the exceptions to these ridiculous rules. You’ll find them.
People often have ulterior motives for what they say. People who are jealous of you will use what they suspect is a disappointment to their advantage. People who are hurting about their own family will often want the company of your misery. Consider the source. Are the people who love you best encouraging you? Listen to them.
My husband and I had three more children, the fifth a daughter. But having a daughter hasn’t changed my compassion for women with the baby gender blues. I remember that time in my life well.
To be supportive of a mother of one gender:
Don’t assume they’re upset. Not everyone is disappointed.
Don’t express sympathy. If you’re close, ask the mother how she feels about the baby’s gender and respond accordingly. If you’re not a confidant, don’t mention it.
Don’t tell her gender doesn’t matter. You’ll contribute to her guilt.
Compliment mom and baby. Tell her how beautiful her child is and what a great job she does in parenting.
Share positive examples. People who told me about adorable families with all boys were my heroes. My pediatrician made me smile when he said, “You’ll always be the queen.”
Use humor. When we learned that baby #4 was a boy, too, our brother-in-law said we might as well remove all the toilet seats. I should have taken his advice.
those who hope in me will not be disappointed. (Isaiah 49:23b)
While we may experience temporary disappointment in all aspects of life, we will never be disappointed in the God who loves us and will never leave us.
Has anyone said anything hurtful about the gender of your children or have you inadvertently said something to a parent with all boys or girls?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
