Recently, my pastor said he needed to talk with me. We talked within view of his wife (one of my dearest friends) and he asked if I would be willing to do something for him. He explained what it was and the reason he was asking, then told me to take the time I needed to think and pray about it. The truth is, I knew what my answer would be before he even asked.
How could I say yes before I even knew the request?
Because I trust my pastor more than I trust myself. Don’t get me wrong. He isn’t perfect. In fact, he’s quite honest about his weaknesses. Of course, his humility makes his weaknesses anything but. When my pastor asked me to do something for him, I knew he would have:
Prayed about it. He would have sought the Lord fervently before ever bringing it to my attention. I knew he would have asked his wife to pray as well.
Determined it was necessary. My pastor asked me to do something that he wouldn’t have had it not been important.
Considered my needs. Had he thought it would be detrimental to me or my family, he wouldn’t have asked.
I also knew that he would leave the decision to me. He would never insist that I do something, even if it was the right thing to do.
The whole discussion in which I agreed to help my pastor without a second thought didn’t surprise me. What surprised me is realizing that I don’t have the same no-reservations agreement to doing things for my Lord and Savior. Yet:
The Holy Spirit would never ask me to do anything outside the Father’s will.
He would never ask me to do something if it weren’t necessary.
He would never ask me to do something that He couldn’t use for my good.
And He would always leave the decision to me.
From now on, when the Holy Spirit seeks to have a conversation with me, my answer–to the best of my ability–will be yes.
But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. (1 John 2:5-6)
How about you? Are there people you would do anything for, but are there things you’ve been reluctant to do for God?
A decade ago, I was addicted to television. I didn’t watch it; my kids did. I used children’s programming and videos as a babysitter. Then I read The Plug-In Drug and was convicted that I needed to make a change. With minimal protest, I was able to limit my kids’ screen time.
Grief Over Games
When my boys were little, and given my experience with TV, I had no intention of ever getting a game system. I caved under the pressure of other parents, however, who told me I really should have one. It wasn’t long before video and computer games had become every bit the nanny that television had been. My husband and I put the games away and told the kids they could only play on their birthdays. Birthdays then became the obsession. I was asked every day how long it would be until the next birthday. It was as though the games had become even more desirable!
More boys joined our family and they developed more friendships with game-playing boys. When the Nintendo Wii became popular, my fitness-loving husband and I decided that an active game system was okay. Before long, however, non-fitness games were added to our collection as was another game system. The kids found free games on the Internet and began playing with their homeschool friends online.
Tactics Tried
My husband and I tried numerous approaches to containing the time. Kids were only allowed to play after school and before dinner. Often my husband proclaimed game-free weeks or simply insisted they stop playing to go outside. But the problem seemed more complex than our rules.
For instance, we noticed that the kids had very little interest in doing much of anything else but games. Board games and other toys stayed on the shelves. When shooed outside, they counted the minutes until they could come back inside. Creative play had diminished.
The other problem was enforcing limits. As soon as we would declare a gaming hiatus, a neighbor boy would come over with his new game and his puppy dog eyes. When time was up, there was just one more level to complete. Or worse, one or more of the kids would claim they hadn’t gotten to play “at all.” There would be tears and frustration all around.
Having read PlayStation Nation, I recognized these signs of gaming addiction and they worried me. I sat with one of my Homeschool Homies this summer to discuss the problem. As a mother of four boys, she shared my concern.
Game Timers
I began researching devices to control game time for both our families’ benefit. Before I determined that these devices would not work for our situation (we have too many devices, for one thing!), I was shocked by the behavior of children of reviewers of these products. Parents recounted that their kids had learned to drop the timer device to reset it. Others had disconnected or even cut the cables! You can read the reviews of two of these game timers here and here.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to realize that the kids tampering with video game timers have more troubles than just a gaming addiction. My friend and I agreed that our kids would obey whatever approach we used, but we had to determine what that would be. My friend had successfully limited gaming time to weekends in the past, but had found (as I did) that gaming became an obsession when it was allowed.
A New Approach
On the way home from my talk with my friend, I had yet another discussion about gaming with the kids. They already knew why my husband and I were concerned. We shared with them that gaming could become so addictive that young men would forego employment and even marriage because they would rather play. They knew how gaming could keep them from learning and building relationships with one another. I discussed the timing devices I had looked at with them and they agreed with me that they wouldn’t work.
After much discussion, the kids proposed the plan that we have been using and LOVING. Before I tell you what they came up with, let me tell you the results of limiting screen time in our home (I say screen time, because my daughter prefers to watch television):
Listening to audio books again (in the middle of the day!)
More creative play (the dress up closet is getting a workout)
More physical activity (the kids are swimming and jumping and working out more)
More time playing board games
My daughter isn’t watching television at all
More time spent with guests doing just about anything BUT games
More arguing (yep, you read that right. This is the next problem to address!)
Here is the kids’ taming screen time plan and why I think it works:
Free screen time on Thursday evenings
(when Mom and Dad have activities outside the home; everyone can play for an extended period and they look forward to a “free night.”
Two hours of screen time per week
The kids put two circles representing two hours on our dry erase board in the kitchen. The circles are divided in halves, representing 30 minutes each. This is the part of the system I am most excited about. The kids have time to play during the week, but they are in control of it. When our children leave home, they will have to discipline themselves this way. This approach is the best training for adult life. The kids time themselves, mark the time themselves, and even police themselves. I’m still amazed.
Before using time, the majority must agree to use the time and how they will use it
Our oldest isn’t into gaming, so if three of the five of the kids want to use some of their time, they can play. They must also agree before starting who is going to play what and for how long. Otherwise, you end up with the, “I didn’t get to play” situation. The kids choose how to spend time, knowing they must be prepared for any guests during the week as well. Their typical approach lately is to play an hour on Tuesday and an hour on Saturday. Had I dictated to them when they could play, I doubt the plan would have worked as well.
The plan is communicated to friends
Most of their game-playing friends have been told about the new system and some of them have adopted a similar approach, which is great! Because I can’t control what happens in others’ houses, however, I don’t try to control game time elsewhere. It’s not a significant problem currently.
I know families who allow gaming only in the winter, only ten minutes a day (which makes it not fun), and families who don’t allow games at all. As a family who has them, we are thrilled with this approach that allows our kids to develop self-control.
What, if any, approach do you use to control screen time in your home?
I got out of bed feeling just as tired as I had been the night before. I wasn’t up more than a few hours before I headed back to bed for a nap.
I complained about my extreme fatigue that day to my friend in an email. She wrote back, “You know what that means. You’re pregnant.” I quickly wrote back that pregnancy wasn’t possible. I had a baby that I was nursing and I hadn’t returned to a normal cycle since I’d had him. Still, she got me thinking. My baby had been nursing less and less. I was so hungry all the time. Hm.
Surprise!
We were getting ready to go on vacation, so I had to make sure I wasn’t pregnant before we left. I bought a pregnancy test and was shocked to discover that it was positive. It was the first time I hadn’t planned a pregnancy.
It was a delightful surprise. Not long before the positive test, my husband had given me a valentine in which he said he’d like to have another baby. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting it so soon. When I gave my husband the news, he exclaimed, “I barely touched you!”
There are no coincidences
When we returned from a lovely family vacation, I had a doctor’s appointment to date the pregnancy as I had no idea how far along I was. When the technician gave me the due date, I was stunned. I cried happy tears all the way home from the clinic, because the date was December 28th, the due date for the baby I had miscarried.
Even though I had wanted to know the gender of our fourth child, I really wanted this baby’s gender to be a surprise–like the rest of the pregnancy. The morning of my 5th month ultrasound, I prayed that the gender would not be revealed to me. I had gotten quite good at reading gender on the screen.
Another answered prayer
The technician scanned and scanned and could not see the baby’s gender. She was extremely frustrated! She knew I had four boys at home and she was dying to know.
But no one knew until the day of her birth and the doctor announced, “It’s a girl!”
When I am tempted to believe that God doesn’t care about me, I remember the circumstances of my daughter’s birth and I know how great is His love for you and me.
Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. – Jer. 31:13
My 16-year-old went off to school for the first time this month.
My neighbor who knew none of my children have ever gone to school outside our home asked me:
Was it hard?
I heard myself answering, but I was sitting across from my then 15-year-old son in a restaurant last spring when he said, “I’m thinking I might want to go high school next year.”
I watched him as he fidgeted and explained his reasons for wanting to finish his education outside of our home, but all I could really see was a two-year-old holding up letter-shaped puzzle pieces and asking, “What dat?” All I could hear was this little boy insisting, “Read, Mama. Read!” I could only see an older boy who read everything he got his hands on, including his Bible. I saw a teen who questioned absolutely everything. And back in the present, I saw a young adult seeking his mother’s approval for something he felt led to do.
As I continued to answer my neighbor’s question, I saw myself weeping alone. I saw myself talking and praying with my husband. I saw my conversation with my son in which I told him honestly, “I don’t want you to go to school!” And I heard him answer, “So why are you letting me go?” I felt the ache in my throat once again when I answered, “Because it’s not about what I want, but what’s best for you.”
I kept talking to my neighbor while I watched my boy heft his backpack on his shoulder and walk toward the bus stop, wondering if he would get picked up, if he would find all his classes, if he would have anyone to sit with at lunch, if he would miss me.
And I realized that answering my neighbor’s question was like answering whether natural labor is hard or grieving a loss is hard or parenting is hard.
I wondered why I had never thought to ask God that question.
Was it hard to send Your only Son away from home, knowing what He would suffer?
I suppose I haven’t asked because I already know the answer:
Love is hard.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Have you ever had a hard time sending a child off to school? How can you encourage another woman who has sent her child out of the nest?
One of the things new homeschoolers struggle with most is choosing curriculum. Even after they’ve made their choice, they doubt themselves.
Truth be told, we veterans do the same thing. I know I will even revisit the same decisions I made long ago, just to make sure I made the right choice. In the process of doing this once again, I discovered a means of customizing curriculum that has put my mind at ease.
Start with What You Love
If you have seen an approach at a homeschooling conference, at a friend’s home, or online that you just love, honor that. Years ago, I researched Sonlight as a complete solution for my family. Why? Because we are readers. My husband sells library books and we are happily buried in them. I thought Sonlight would be the perfect fit for us.
But then I saw Konos in a Box at a homeschool conference. As I looked through the fun, hands-on activities I could do with my young boys, I knew I had to use it and we did. I let Sonlight go in lieu of the activities that would make literature and learning come alive. Over the years, our relationship with Konos has matured. We moved from doing the box units to doing almost all of the units and meeting with friends weekly for related co-op activities. Last year we abandoned Konos for a year-long geography unit with our co-op and this coming year we are doing co-op a la carte with each mom choosing a subject to teach.
The shift in curriculum had led us to do less literature, especially with my youngers. The two middle schoolers are using Lightning Literature this year. That got my thinking about my long-lost love, Sonlight. I returned to their site, only to decide once again that while I loved their literature selections, I just couldn’t do their complete program. Then I realized I didn’t have to!
I had found a new writing curriculum for my youngers–Brave Writer, The Arrow. This curriculum offered the best of what I loved about Character Quality Language Arts from last year–specifically, dictation and in-context grammar teaching. It also offered something more–classic literature and free writing. But here is where it gets really exciting. Brave Writer’s Arrow has units on many of the books listed by Sonlight for American History. I chose the books (and honestly there were too many to do in one year) listed by both Sonlight and Brave Writer, focusing on books I already owned.
Use Your Custom Curriculum and Continue Tweaking
I have yet to use my custom curriculum. I have done my best to plan it by day, just as a complete program would do. I have written down how many pages I have to read of each book to finish it that month (even taking into account vacation days, which is more than other programs can do!). I don’t know if it’s going to be just right as planned, but I do know that I can keep making changes until it is.
No one knows you, your kids, and your circumstances better than you do.
If you believe that you’re the problem, instead of the curriculum, you’re operating out of a traditional school mindset. Stop and consider how to customize curriculum so it fits your homeschool, while still providing the best education possible.
What kinds of customized curriculum have you created?
I have always been a sucker for appeals to my desire to be great.
I love it when my friends or family tell me that someday I could get my big break and write a best seller, become a top blogger, or command huge speaking fees.
I love it because I have never given up that childhood dream of being a star.
Apparently, I’m not alone because there are industries making millions on dreamers like me. Consider the number of books, seminars, agents, and services that cater to people who believe that they can make it big as writers, singers, actors, models, athletes, or entrepeneurs.
Lately as I’ve pondered my future as a writer and speaker (and even as a tennis player), I’ve had to admit, “I will never be great.”
Acknowledging that fact seems like a sad admission (even though it’s long overdue), but it’s actually given me much joy. Why?
The people that I consider to be the greatest of all have suffered the most.
I’m currently reading Evidence Not Seen: A Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II By Darlene Deibler Rose. As I read these compelling words and think about writing an equally compelling book, I know I don’t want to. I’m not even halfway through the book, and this saintly woman has had everything taken from her, including her husband. I don’t desire the suffering required to be that great.
I’m reminded of a mother who wanted to be great vicariously–by having her sons reign with the Lord:
“What is it you want?” he asked.
She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
“You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” (Matthew 20:21-22)
When I have sought to be great, I didn’t know what I was asking either.
I didn’t know I was asking to sacrifice time with my family, sleep, leisure time, relaxed time with friends, my privacy, freedom from many temptations, and most certainly my humility. Like this misguided mother, I have misunderstood the cost of greatness and despite having it right in front of me, I have asked for something more.
Our small group at church is doing this Bible study: H2O: A Journey of Faith (DVD Curriculum). I can’t recommend it enough. The pastor was sharing the truth that no matter how much more of something we think we want, we can be sure that it won’t be enough. The pursuit of greatness is, as Solomon tells us in Scripture, a meaningless existence. The truth of that finally sunk in. I’m sure you’re wondering what took so long!
At last I’m done with the “success” blogs, books, and webinars and I am no longer seeking to be great.
Don’t look for me at Wimbledon, on Technorati’s top blogs, or on the New York Times Best Sellers List. Instead, look for me on the tennis court with the kids, here on this obscure blog where I get to pour out my heart each week, and at the feet of Jesus.
At His feet, I will be praying that He will be great in your life and mine.
How about you? Do you still dream of being great? How would you feel if you gave up that dream?
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
