Last month, my husband’s sister Nancy passed away after a two-year battle with ovarian cancer. She was a lifelong international missionary and a bold evangelist. I interviewed her about how to teach kids to share the gospel. Today, though, I want to use Nancy’s life to talk about how we can speak the love languages as homeschool moms.
Nancy didn’t speak a language other than English, despite visiting more than 70 countries. But Nancy was fluent in all five of the love languages described by Gary Chapman.
Her life was also the embodiment of 1 Corinthians 13 that I want to read to you now, beginning with verse 4.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Acts of service as a homeschool mom
The first love language we want to speak as homeschool moms is acts of service. In the simplest terms, it means doing things for our families that we know would bless them. Nancy offered to babysit our two young kids so we could spend our anniversary alone. This offer meant a lot to me, but it was a bit like having Amelia Bedelia watch them. Nancy was a single woman who had never had children. When we returned home, we saw that our oversized 18-month-old had been stuffed into the newborn onesie he wore home from the hospital. Nancy said she couldn’t find any other clothes.
Of course, as homeschool moms, most of our time is spent in acts of service. But speaking this love language means going above and beyond our day-to-day serving. To do this, we can ask ourselves what would bless each member of our family because it is going to vary with their personality, age, and circumstances. It could be making a special treat, doing their chore, or keeping them company during a task they dislike. We can ask our family members what would be meaningful, but using what we already know about them to serve will be an extra blessing.
Something we want to avoid in this love language is serving the way we want to serve or be served. For example, my husband likes making me breakfast. This is nice, but I’m perfectly content to make my own simple breakfast. What really blesses me is when he makes dinner and I have a night off of that responsibility. Recognizing that there are better ways to serve us can help us be mindful of better ways to serve our family members.
Gifts as a homeschool mom
The second love language we want to speak as homeschool moms is gifts. Nancy had gifts for our family every time we saw her. They often included regifts and almost always included airplane snack packages she’d saved. Nancy took gifts for children on all of her Africa trips that included dresses and dolls that crafty women had created. But she would also take my kids’ Halloween candy after insisting they didn’t need it.
Sometimes as Christian moms we can look down on our kids who have this love language, thinking that it’s greedy to want things. But for those who enjoy gifts, it’s rarely about the item itself. Instead, gifts that are carefully chosen for our family members represent time spent thinking about and shopping for them. An appropriate gift also symbolizes our understanding of what makes them special. To find an appropriate gift, we can consider what our family members value based on how they spend their time and money.
Some things we want to avoid in the love language of gifts include giving gift cards when family members are looking for time and attention from you through the gift. A second thing to avoid is an aspirational gift. We might want our child to read more, so we give them books. But if that child doesn’t enjoy reading, it’s not going to be a treasured gift. Finally, we want to avoid giving a gift simply because it’s something we would enjoy. For example, I once gave my husband a gift certificate for a massage and he never used it.
Physical touch as a homeschool mom
The love language of physical touch is giving hugs, back rubs, and even doing a child’s hair. Nancy was a touchy person. Her hugs were big and long and immediate upon meeting you. She was comfortable in your personal space, even if you weren’t. What was amazing is how her love eventually won over uncomfortable people.
It’s harder for family members to ask for physical touch when they want it because doing so makes them vulnerable. I learned that one of my sons craved physical touch during our one-on-one time. Out of all the ways he could spend time with me, he chose to have me massage his feet. Some other physical touch ideas includ sitting close to our kids, rubbing a shoulder, or ruffling a boy’s hair to see what kind of response we get. Then we can repeat the touches our kids respond to.
In the love language of physical touch, we don’t want to stop touching our kids after they leave the preschool years. Touch is a need for neurologically healthy people of any age. The nature of the touch may change. My teen and adult boys tend to do side hugs now, for example. But they still need the affection.
In our marriages, we don’t want to neglect the importance of physical intimacy in and out of the bedroom. When we have little ones, it’s easy to feel touched out. But physical touch is an essential love language in marriage and needs to be maintained. Carving out time away to recharge made me more motivated in that regard.
Quality time as a homeschool mom
Quality time means a focus on the relationship when you’re together. Nancy had more friends than anyone I know, yet she was always intentional about planning time with our family when she was in town. She was usually the one to suggest a fun activity, too. We loved hiking, swimming, and watching movies together. But while she always spent time with us, she was frequently late because she had met someone on a walk, in a store, or in a restroom who needed to hear the gospel. A pastor who knew her well said, “She had so many watches but apparently never used them.”
Ensuring that we have quality time with our families begins with finding an activity that meets two requirements: everyone enjoys it and you can talk during it. Tennis has been a wonderful quality-time activity for us as a family and as a couple.
We can enjoy quality time one-on-one with our kids, too. I liked having my kids choose the activity with me as I learned so much about them from this. But we can use trips, extra-curricular activities, and chores as quality time with individual kids, too. Just use the time to talk and do fun things as you go. If your child isn’t much of a talker, use the time to share what’s on your heart and your positive feelings about your child.
In our marriages, quality time is essential. Years ago if my husband and I attended a large family gathering or a friend’s party, he would call it quality time. While it was fun, we didn’t have time to talk and in my book, it didn’t count. The ways you share quality time will change with your family’s season. It may be a morning chat over coffee, watching a show together–especially one that you discuss, or a real date night. Whatever you do, plan to have regular time focused on your marriage.
Meaningful words as a homeschool mom
The final love language is meaningful words. This is expressing our gratitude for our family members as well as what we see that makes them special. Nancy constantly complimented people. She told me that I was so good with technology, that my house was beautiful, and that she was proud of the fact that I homeschooled. But Nancy also expected meaningful words in return. Once when our family was teasing her, she told us to stop, saying, “Okay. You’ve had your fun.”
Meaningful words must be spoken frequently. They have a temporary status in our family’s minds like a social media post. The best meaningful words are also specific. Saying, “you’re great” is meaningless. They should also be sincere. Recently I’ve had a couple of Nancy’s contacts I’ve just met insist that they love me so much. Those words are not meaningful except as a sign that something is off with them.
Sometimes we will compliment our kids’ or our spouse’s appearance and that’s fine. But we want to speak most of our meaningful words about our family members’ character and value. I can tell my daughter that her hair looks cute, but even more loving is to tell her that when she voluntarily plays with her young cousins to give their weary parents a break, she is a real blessing and I am proud of her.
Something to avoid in sharing meaningful words is waiting until our family is behaving well. The idea that compliments will reinforce bad behavior is completely unfounded. Instead, we want to draw attention to any positive thing we see so our loved ones will believe the best about themselves and will exhibit these behaviors more often.
Conclusion
Nancy’s skill in all five love languages recently prompted a struggling family member to write, “You’re the only one who never stopped believing in me.” When I read that, I wanted to love like Nancy. I wanted a 1 Corithians 13 kind of love for my family. If you want that too, the good news is we don’t have to be perfect. Nancy wasn’t. But she did have a personal relationship with a perfect God who lived through her to serve, give gifts and hugs, spend quality time, and speak meaningful words. Let us go and love likewise as homeschool moms.
Before I tell you the lessons my mentor taught me, I have to tell you how we met. I was in the valley. It was 2019. My husband had had a stroke, dear friends and family members had been diagnosed with cancer, my kids had made some choices that made me feel like a failure, and the day before, my new puppy had died. I was at a volleyball match out of town and had just learned that the only mom I chatted with wasn’t going to be there.
I walked into the gym and the woman called me up to sit next to her and her husband. I knew that they had homeschooled their 11 children and that their youngest was on my daughter’s volleyball team. I noticed that she was always stylishly dressed, but that’s all I knew.
I don’t remember any of the small talk we made before she taught me my first lesson. It was this:
#1 God loves you.
Yep, it was the Sunday school mantra, the billboard cliche all the way. But she kept repeating it. “He loves you soooo much,” she said.
“Yeah, I know,” I thought. “I’m a Christian. I know He loves me. He sent His Son Jesus to die for me so I can live with Him eternally. Why is she telling me this?” That day I didn’t have an answer to that.
But months later I knew why she was saying it. With everything I’d experienced in the previous year, I doubted that God loved me. Sure, He loved me in an esoteric, this is what’s best for you, I’m the boss kind of way. But He couldn’t possibly love me like a daddy. Not the way things had been going.
He knew that’s what I was thinking. He knew I thought He didn’t care. And so He sent Sandy to say He loved me. And to keep saying it until I really heard it.
Since then I’ve realized that we homeschool moms are vulnerable to the lie that God doesn’t really love us. Subconsciously we so often think, “If you really loved me, you’d…” fill in the blank. But He does really love us and has already given us everything to prove it. He is working all things together for our good. Now I thank Him for having me in such a low place that I could really see the lie I was believing. I thank Him for arranging the circumstances that allowed me to meet a woman who would be a powerful and much-needed mentor.
Lesson #1 is God loves you.
Lesson #2 is your children are dirty, rotten sinners.
That seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? But that’s what Sandy said. And strangely enough, it’s what I needed to hear. I needed to know that despite all the Bible teaching, church going, and fervent prayer, that my kids were still sinners who would make mistakes. It pointed out another lie I was believing deep, deep down. I thought that if I did my job right that my children would do right. But that’s not necessarily the case, and we know it isn’t. I think we cling to this lie that homeschooling is a guarantee because it means we’re in control. Sad to say, we are not.
The way Sandy and her husband talked about their kids’ mistakes surprised me. They laughed , like they weren’t to blame at all. I was used to the veteran homeschoolers who believed that other people’s prodigals were always the parents’ responsibility. It was a sign of homeschooling gone wrong, of a failure in faith. I had bought into that thinking, despite the story of the prodigal son. There is no evidence that either the prodigal or the older, prideful son went wrong because of something the father did. And if we acknowledge that the father represents God in the story, how can we feel responsible for these dirty, rotten sinners? And that’s what they are. That was lesson #2.
Lesson #3 was like it. I’m a dirty, rotten sinner, too.
Sandy told me how her husband introduced her to Christ in college. Looking at her and her beautiful family, I assumed that she had done everything right after that day. But I was wrong. She told me about her selfishness and unhappiness in her marriage early on that had her wanting to leave. I was so surprised!
Even though I’m a psychologist who has heard people’s darkest secrets, I still assume that most people are better than I am. That means I have to hide and cover up my sin. It wouldn’t do for people to know how bad I really am. But Sandy knew without me telling her a thing because she knows how bad she is without Jesus. And it doesn’t make her want to quit. Not anymore. She knows that Jesus came for her while she was still a sinner. I know that, too, and want to stop hiding. Lesson #3 is I’m a dirty, rotten sinner too.
Lesson #4 is you need the Word of God.
When I met Sandy, I watched her flip through index cards of Scripture and meditate on them. At a volleyball match. That was after she and her husband told me that he read the Bible aloud to his family every morning and evening to the point that he had read the entire Bible dozens of times. I was in awe.
The two of them were so steeped in Scripture that as I spent more time with them, I found myself wanting their opinion on just about everything. I knew that there was no human teaching that could compare to knowing the Word of God that well.
I spoke with Sandy recently and we chatted about a loved one’s battle with anorexia. I explained that I saw this woman have a tiny sample bite of ice cream and then feel compelled to go for a long walk to burn off the calories. Later our conversation turned to my spiritual life. I said, “I always read the Bible, but lately I haven’t read as much.”
She said, “So you’re having small bites of the Scriptures and you’re trying to run a marathon on that.”
I said, “You’re saying I have biblical anorexia.”
She said, “No, you said that” and laughed.
Whoever said it, it’s true. Why, when I know that the Word of God provides so much peace and wisdom wouldn’t I be spending much time reading it? I made a change after our conversation and am seeking to read after each meal. It’s my spiritual food! And I feel refreshed after it. It isn’t legalistic but purely selfish. Lesson #4 is I need the Word of God.
Lesson #5 is to do my husband good all the days of my life.
I had only gotten to know Sandy and her husband for a couple of months when he had to cancel attending a volleyball tournament due to illness. We were shocked when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died two weeks later. Truthfully, I’m still shocked.
I have watched Sandy take on the role of widow in the Lord’s strength. I have listened to stories of how her husband loved her over the years, and I have been impressed with them both. But I was convicted when she said that she had prayed Proverbs 31:12, to be able to do her husband good all the days of his life. I had never prayed that prayer. I never even thought to pray that prayer. And here I am with the blessing of a husband who is still with me. How might my marriage change if I prayed this prayer? How might yours? Lesson #5 is to do my husband good all the days of my life.
Lesson #6 is there is still hope.
I saw Sandy have hope for her husband’s healing until his last breath. But I knew she would have that attitude. Here’s why.
Sandy has witnessed a mother’s worst fears realized. That’s why she could encourage me when I feared for my own and my friend’s children. She reminded me that God can use our children’s mistakes for His purposes–for their salvation and the salvation of others.
On that first day we met when she had no idea that I was fretting about my kids’ choices and their faith walk, she told me there is still hope for our children–no matter how old they are or how far off they are. Sandy didn’t profess a hope in homeschooling or good parenting but in God. When she is in doubt of what to say, she shares God’s Word with them. That’s what I will do here. Hebrews 10:23 assures us, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Conclusion
If Sandy could sit with you, she would tell you that God loves you soooo much, despite the truth that you and your children are dirty, rotten sinners. She would tell you that you need more time in the Word to finish this race. She would encourage you to pray that you would do your husband good all the days of your life. And no matter what you and your children are facing, she would tell you there is still hope.
Today marks the last article in the Trust Project series: How to trust God with the little things. I am in awe of how He led me to start the series and what He has taught me through it all. I continue to marvel that I had no idea what to talk about for last month’s article on trusting God with the world. Then the coronavirus hit. God wants us to know that while we don’t know what’s coming, He does.
What are the benefits of trusting God with the little things?
For me the benefits are less stress, better sleep, and better health overall. The Lord has taught me that the little things are often a big reason I don’t trust God. I want to stop worrying and start living. How about you?
Let’s use the acronym TRUST.
The T in trust is for truth.
Our Scripture to meditate on is Philippians 4:6. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
God is telling us that we shouldn’t be anxious about the big things, so certainly we shouldn’t be anxious about the small matters. Instead, when we feel the anxiety coming, we need to give the situation to Him. I love the language here: present your requests. Give them to Him like a gift that you wouldn’t take back. As strange as it sounds, when we give Him our troubles, we are giving God the gift of faith and He loves it.
Our biblical account is from Luke 10 verses 38-42. “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
As I read this passage again in preparation for this episode I noticed something new that is huge. So many times this passage is used to make women feel guilty for doing anything but praying and reading Scripture. Terrible Martha for focusing on getting the meal ready and wanting some help in the kitchen! I’m amazed that I’ve missed this key detail so many times. It’s in verse 39. “Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” Listening to what he said. Jesus, the Son of God, who only speaks the words of God is in your house and not just in your house but is speaking. Why wouldn’t you take the time to listen?
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the details, the little things that we don’t stop to listen to what God is saying to us. There is a time for meal prep, but when God is speaking, we would do well to listen. What is God saying to you now? Do you have extra time to listen to him in Word and quiet?
The R in trust is for remembering.
How has God shown Himself trustworthy in the past with the little things in your life? I wrote an article about praying little prayers. God has shown Himself faithful in providing a dress, giving me a great parking spot when I needed it, and even keeping my hair dry before a speaking engagement.
But I don’t have to strain to recall a time when God was faithful in the little things. In January, we discovered that my son had bedbugs. A little research told us why. Our suitcases had been stored under his bed. It’s easy to pick up bedbugs when you stay in hotels of any sort. They hitch a ride on your suitcase and make your bed their new home when you unpack in your room or, in our case, store the luggage under the bed. We attempted to treat the bedbugs ourselves. Every time we thought we had done the job, my son would sleep in his bed and would find uninvited guests. He took pictures of them to prove it to us!
Then the unthinkable happened: I found bites on my shoulder and then bugs in my bed. I was doing okay with the trusting God thing until then. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I insisted that we call in an exterminator. The bugs are gone, thank God! These are some tips for avoiding bed bugs in your travel, but that’s not the most important thing here. The most important thing I learned is how quickly my trust in God evaporated in the face of little bed bugs. So much stress and for what? I wish I could have those sleepless nights back.
At the same time, God gave me a refresher on trusting Him with health and safety. I had a sudden episode of vertigo, no doubt made worse by my bed bug stress. I did a maneuver that made a big improvement. I am much better now.
Little things can make it hard to believe in a big God. But He is faithful! How has He been faithful in the little things for you?
The U in trust is for understanding.
God does give us wisdom for the little things. We learn of a good tech guy or gal to call for our messed-up computer. We Google and find a solution as I did to my vertigo. We get advice from a friend. I didn’t just pray for my bed bugs and vertigo to go away. I used the wisdom God gave me and you should, too. What steps should you take in lieu of worrying about the little things?
The S in trust is for supplication.
This is when we pray specifically for what we need. I prayed for an exterminator. When he came, he told me exactly what I needed to hear for peace of mind. I didn’t even pray for that, but God delivered. There is nothing wrong with saying, “Lord, thy will be done, but if you could help me find what I need at the first store, that would be a blessing.” God isn’t your over-busy friend. He will not be annoyed by your small requests.
The T in trust is for thanksgiving.
We can and should thank God for all the ways He has been faithful in answering our little prayers until now. But we can also thank Him in advance for giving us what is best, even if the first round of extermination doesn’t do the trick as it did for us. We thank Him that He is with us and for us. What a confidence builder this is, even as we face some really big challenges to our faith right now.
I want to thank Him right now for inspiring me to do this series. It has changed my life. The past fifteen months have been some of the most challenging I have experienced — cancer diagnoses, loss of dear friends and a beloved pet, my husband’s stroke, and more. But the faith I’ve learned in the process has made it possible for me to be strong enough to help people through the enormous crisis the world is facing now. I pray you find yourself better prepared because of your faith in Him.
Of course, our journey hasn’t ended. Go back through previous months of the Trust Project as you need to. Be prepared to answer Satan’s question over and over…Did God really say? Yes, He did. He really did say that He loves us and is everything we need. He really did say that He was for us and not against us. He really did say that He would work all things together for our good.
God bless you, my friend, as you seek to trust in our awesome God more and more.
Why we should trust God with a loved one’s salvation
As always, we’ll begin with why we should trust God in this area. What will we stop doing, start doing, and how will we know we’re trusting God with it?
When we trust God with our loved ones’ salvation, we will have peace. We won’t worry about what to say or do because we will know that God has a plan. How silly would it be for God to place anyone’s eternal destiny squarely in our hands? I used to believe that my children’s salvation was entirely my responsibility. The curriculum I chose, the church we attended, and how much time we spent reading Scripture, together with my own capacity for sin carried so much weight. When my first child began asking challenging questions about the faith, I was a nervous wreck. But so was he. My son worried that we wouldn’t love him if he didn’t believe exactly the same way that we did, and I worried that he would reject God and our family. That fear caused a lot of conflict.
So for me, trusting God with my loved ones’ salvation means that I will stop believing that it’s all my responsibility. I will start loving people in my life and believing that God will give me the words and actions that He will use in His plan to bring people to faith. I’ll know that I’m trusting God in this area when I don’t worry about the choices people I love make and I pray instead.
Let’s work through our TRUST acronym for this area.
T is for TRUTH.
Our Scripture to meditate on is Matthew 19:25-26:
When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
If our loved ones’ salvation depends on us, it’s impossible for them to be saved. But with God, even the most unlikely person can receive Jesus Christ as his Savior and enjoy eternity with Him.
Our Bible account is the parable of the lost son from Luke Chapter 15. We don’t know when our lost loved ones will return, but we don’t have to chase them down. We can prayerfully wait for God to work in their hearts and minds.
The R in TRUST is for Remembering.
When I am tempted to worry about family and friends who don’t know Jesus, I remember my friend Sarah. I met Sarah at a homeschool activity. She was very nice but she had different views from me on almost everything. I wanted to challenge her views, her reading material, and her parenting practices. In my flesh, this is what I thought was the answer to her salvation. But the Lord restrained me. Instead, I befriended her, invited her to my church and home, and mostly listened.
She told me of her plans to quit homeschooling and to move out of state with her new boyfriend, and I was sure that she would be lost forever. Months later she contacted me when our mutual friend was hospitalized. She was still in town. She said she would pray, but I figured she didn’t mean that literally. A few days later she called me to ask me questions about the Christian faith. She told me, “I wasn’t looking for Jesus, but He came looking for me.”
Sarah had received Jesus, and in no time her views that I so wanted to challenge were aligned with mine. She is now a dear sister in Christ.
Remember God’s faithfulness in bringing you to faith or growing your faith. Remember others you know whom Jesus made His own. Your trust in God with the salvation of others you love will grow.
The U in TRUST is for Understanding.
What wisdom has God already given for you to obey in this area? I read an excellent book with my church called Joining Jesus On His Mission by Greg Finke. It helped me to see that building relationships as I did with Sarah, without pushing theology, is exactly what Jesus would have us do with some of the people in our lives. Love is the greatest theology there is and it’s powerful in the Lord’s hands.
The S in TRUST is for Supplication.
Add those who don’t yet have a relationship with Christ and those who need a closer relationship with Him to your prayer list. I use an app to make these prayers regular. I include all my family on a rotating basis. I didn’t believe that God would answer my prayer for Sarah, and look what He did.
The last T in TRUST is for Thanksgiving.
We can thank God for our salvation, and for the salvation of those whom we already know are in the family of faith. We can also thank Him in advance for our loved ones whose name are in the Book of Life yet haven’t been revealed to us. What a privilege that He allows us to play a role in their salvation.
Conclusion
When we trust God with the entire process, we can enjoy our relationships without fear of our mistakes or theirs. Join me next month as we discuss how to trust God with the world.
I can tell you what I was anxious about as a new homeschooling mom. I was afraid I would fail at teaching my kids. I wasn’t a trained teacher, after all.
But even though I’m a psychologist, I was also afraid I would fail as a mom. I thought my kids might grow up to write a tell-all book about my failings: Mommy Dearest II.
Those are two big fears, but I had many more. I was afraid for my health. I was afraid that pesticides and GMOs were killing me. I was afraid my fillings were giving me MS. I was afraid I was becoming allergic to every food.
I was afraid for my family too. I was afraid my son had MD when he started limping as a toddler. On a grand scale, I was afraid my kids would grow up to reject God and our family. I was afraid in my relationships. I was afraid I wouldn’t have any friends when a friend rejected me or moved away. I was afraid we were in the wrong church that was on the wrong path.
I was afraid of little things as well. I had a tightness in my gut every time we were running late. I was terrified of forgetting appointments and making people mad. You name it. I was afraid of it.
At one point my anxiety was so bad that my physical and mental health were in shambles. So I am not just speaking to you as a psychologist. I understand where you are if anxiety is a problem.
Before I tell you how to deal with your anxiety, let’s talk about where it comes from.
Anxiety has a biological component. You may have inherited a predisposition for it. Your idle may be set too fast. Or you may have a physical condition that is contributing to your anxiety. A poorly functioning thyroid gland or hormonal shifts are common culprits.
Caffeine and other stimulants worsen anxiety. I am sensitive to caffeine. I had a frappe one morning and later that day I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling so anxious about.
Depression and anxiety often co-occur. If you suffer from depression, getting help for it can improve your anxiety as well.
Anxiety can be environmental. If you live or work in a place that is unpredictable and threatening, anxiety is a normal response. Until you feel safe physically, emotionally, and even financially, getting past your anxiety will be difficult. Recent research demonstrates that living in a cluttered environment raises your cortisol level, a marker for stress.
Finally, anxiety can be mental and spiritual. Specifically, anxiety is related to what you believe. These types of beliefs can produce anxiety that becomes dysfunctional. For example:
I have no options. Feeling that we can’t do anything to change our situation leads to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
God helps those who help themselves. This unScriptural notion leads us to want to solve our own problems, even though God wants us to leave it to Him.
I can’t trust anyone. We refuse to accept help because we don’t trust that God can work through others for our benefit.
If it is to be, it’s up to me.We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We bear all the responsibility and the blame for everything.
Satan is in control of this world. We forget that Satan can only do what our loving God permits. He is not even close to being God’s equal. Jesus and His body, the church, isn’t on the run.
The Prescription for the Anxious Homeschool Mom
All this talk may be making you anxious! I get it. But I have a prescription that should calm you down. Ready?
First, take care of your body.
If you are anxious, schedule a physical and mention your anxiety symptoms. Your thyroid or hormones may be contributing to the problem. Let your doctor know about any medications or supplements you are taking as these may also contribute to anxiety.
Cut back on caffeine. You don’t need anything revving your engine, right?
Cut back on or eliminate alcohol. Anxious people often medicate with alcohol. While alcohol can decrease anxiety temporarily, it also interferes with sleep and can destroy brain and liver tissue as well as relationships–even if you never work or drive while under the influence.
Practice good sleep hygience. Keep your room dark and cool enough for you to sleep. Don’t use screens right before bed. Go to sleep and get up at the same times, even if you aren’t sleeping well.
Exercise vigorously. Exercise is critical for getting anxiety under control. You must get your heartrate up consistently and I recommend daily exercise. I’d prefer that you are sweating and fatigued after working out or it won’t be as effective in managing anxiety. High intensity interval training is an excellent choice. When you exercise to fatigue, your system won’t be able to overreact to your thoughts.
Consider medication if your doctor recommends it for the short-term. If your anxiety is severe enough that it is wreaking havoc on your physical health, consider taking something to help you do the mental and spiritual work that needs to be done for the long-term. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep taking it. In most cases, the risk of side effects is lower than the risk of a weak immune system from high anxiety.
Address the mental and spiritual side of anxiety.
After you’ve taken care of your body, you can address the mental and spiritual side of anxiety.
The first task at hand is to change the way you think. Our thoughts produce anxiety. Changing the way that we think changes our emotions and even our brain chemistry.
If you have a moderate to severe problem with anxiety, I recommend seeking out a cognitive-behavioral therapist for help. A CBT therapist will not analyze your childhood but will give you proven tools for changing the way you think and respond in anxiety-provoking situations. An ethical therapist will not contradict your faith, even if he or she doesn’t share it.
Changing the way we think is also fundamental to our spiritual health. If we think that God isn’t really good, doesn’t really love us, and won’t help us, we will experience profound anxiety. This is where I was spiritually. If you had asked me whether I believed those things about God, I would have said no. But I didn’t truly trust Him.
I believe we all have to make a choice once we know Christ. Do we choose to believe that God is good, that He loves us, and will work all things together for our good? Or do we believe that we’re on our own because God doesn’t care? When you’ve decided to believe God no matter what, it makes life so much easier. It means that even when the unthinkable happens and we are grieving without an explanation, we know that God is there, loving us, and working everything together for our good.
Renew Your Mind
The final way to manage our anxiety that I’m going to discuss in this episode is to renew your mind. We have allowed unhealthy thoughts to flood our system day after day. Now we have to marinate our minds in the truth. Reading the word and Christian books daily can help strengthen our faith. The Christian biographies the Benges have written are a great option for you.
Another way we can renew our minds is by spending time with mature Christians. These men and women who have been refined in the fire will continue to speak truth to you and will demonstrate God’s faithfulness in their lives. I have friends who have lost children and spouses, and they all praise God for sustaining and blessing them.
Conclusion
I want you to know that neither climate change nor a new strain of the flu can take you out of God’s hands. He has numbered our days and no one and nothing can change that. I wish you His peace, my friend, and pray that He relieves you of the oppression of anxiety.
Trusting God to overcome the sin in our lives is one of the tougher areas to trust. I know from experience! I’m talking about the besetting sins, the sins that feel like addictions because no matter what you do, you can’t seem to change. But we can learn to trust Him in this way, just as we have with our health.
What are the benefits of trusting God with our sin? What would you stop doing if you trusted God with it? And what would you start doing if you really trusted God in this area? Imagine not having to think about your problem with overeating, your gossip issue, your anger, or your procrastination again! Imagine not having to buy more books or programs. Imagine being free to focus on what God has already prepared for you to do. Imagine the impact being free of this sin would have on your family, your health, your happiness, and your witness!
How would you know you were trusting God in this area? For me, it would mean having peace knowing that He has it under control. He is doing the work, so I can focus on what He would have me do each day. I would be liberated!
Let’s go through our TRUST acronym for sin.
The T in TRUST is for Truth.
Our Scripture to meditate on is Romans 6:14. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.
Does it feel like sin is your master? That is an illusion that we choose to believe. God has set us free from this horrible master. Do you believe that?
Our biblical account is from Luke 19. It is the story of Jesus and Zacchaeus. Zacchaeus is a tax collector. As you may know, tax collectors were despised for one, because they often took more than was owed and kept it for themselves.
Imagine that you, and not Zacchaeus, are in that tree when Jesus arrives. Does Jesus call up and say, “Hey, sinful tax collector. Come down here and repent and return what you’ve stolen.” No. But we often behave as if this is how Jesus deals with us.
We expect Him to say to us, “Hey, glutton. Hey, gossip. Hey, rager. Hey, slothful one. Come down here and straighten up and then you and I can spend time together.” If this is what we believe He will say, why would we want to fellowship with Him? Instead, we want to solve the problem ourselves and THEN go to Him. We won’t feel so guilty then.
But Jesus is calling to us to say, “Come out of hiding and have time with me.” As a result of that time, we will find ourselves NOT WANTING TO SIN. It isn’t that we will have to use our willpower to resist the overeating, the gossipping, the rage, or the procrastination. We simply won’t want those things when we have Jesus. This is what we see in Zacchaeus and it isn’t an unusual response to having a relationship with Christ.
The R in TRUST is for Remembering.
How has God helped you overcome sin in the past? You’ve heard me talk about the chaos I once lived in. I am a changed woman. I no longer want to live in a mess, eat out of my emotions, or yell at my kids. I’ve read wonderful books and listened to talks on these subjects, but God changed my heart, allowing the truths I learned to take root in my life.
The U in TRUST is for Understanding.
What wisdom has God already given you that you can implement? I know I am more likely to be disorganized if I stay up late at night. I am more likely to overeat if I stand up or watch TV as I eat. And I am more likely to talk about others if I spend time with gossips. I can act on these principles as I trust God to change my heart’s desires.
The S in TRUST is for Supplication.
We can pray for deliverance from the sin that has taken root in our lives. But more important than praying that we wouldn’t behave in a certain way, we pray for a heart change. Rather than praying we can follow a diet to the letter, we ask God to take away the desire for too much food. Rather than asking God to keep us from saying anything unkind, we ask Him for the desire to speak only uplifting words. Instead of asking Him not to let us procrastinate, we ask Him for the desire to do the work He’s called us to do and to have joy in it. Why wouldn’t He answer this prayer? He will! I know it because He promises us He will and because I’ve experienced it.
When we behave in a way that is not in line with who we are in Christ, we confess it, we admit that our flesh has no power over sin, and we believe again that Christ in us is conforming us to His image.
The T in TRUST is for Thanksgiving.
We thank God that He has overcome the sin in our lives–even as we wait for the full evidence of that. We thank Him for His love and mercy. We thank Him for the gifts that we have loved more than our relationship with Him, and we repent of setting up false gods of food and stuff and approval and getting our way.
I am praying for you as you seek to trust the Lord with the sin you haven’t been able to overcome in your own strength.
Do you struggle to trust God to overcome sin in your life? Let me know in the comments.
I’m a Christian psychologist turned homeschooling mother of six. My life can be a little crazy, so I look for sanity-saving ideas to use and share. I hope you’ll read my About page to learn more.
