How to Know if You’re Doing Enough in Your Homeschool

How to Know if You’re Doing Enough in Your Homeschool

One of the most common concerns I hear from new homeschoolers is whether or not they’re doing enough. If that’s your question, regardless of how long you’ve been homeschooling, I have six ways you can know that you’re doing enough in your homeschool.

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#1 Know you’re doing enough in your homeschool by comparing your plans to policies

The first way to know if you’re doing enough in your homeschool is to compare your plans with your state or charter school’s policies. Many homeschoolers are surprised to learn how few guidelines there really are for what to teach. I recommend that you visit HSLDA (the Homeschool Legal Defense Organization). This website lists homeschooling laws by state and also has curriculum guidelines for high schoolers – another area that causes homeschoolers a great deal of anxiety.

If you are doing what the laws or guidelines suggest, you can take a deep breath and relax. The standards set by others are typically much lower than the standards we set for ourselves. I am not suggesting that we do the least amount possible. We want our kids to have a rich, quality education. But neither am I suggesting that we should do every subject and use multiple curricula and classes to teach these subjects. I am here to promote homeschool sanity, and that’s the quickest way to the homeschool loony bin. Instead, use the standards to reassure yourself that you are in fact doing enough.

#2 Know you’re doing enough by comparing your hours

The second way to know if you’re doing enough is to consider the number of hours you might spend on direct teaching by the age of your child. RaisingArrows.net says that formal homeschooling takes 30-45 minutes for kindergarten and first grade, 1.5-2 hours for second to fourth grade, 2-4 hours for 5th & 6th grade, and 4+ hours for 7th grade and up. That doesn’t sound like a lot, does it?

My state requires 1000 hours of instruction. Let’s have a reasonable view of what that means. It does not mean that I must stand at my whiteboard lecturing for a thousand hours a year. Public school teachers are not held to that standard. In fact, public schools operate a bit more like I did when I practiced as a clinical psychologist. A counseling hour was really 45 minutes with ten minutes of that taken up with greetings and good-byes. Traditional school students spend time using the restroom, walking the hallway, staring out the window…you get the idea. We also have an advantage over traditional teachers in that we can count many informal activities as educational hours. Have your kids help you make dinner and if you are teaching as you go, you have life skill hours. When your child is reading the manual to understand a new game or toy that has been purchased, you have reading time. If you are balking at the suggestion that reading manuals counts as educational time, know that Common Core standards introduced the idea that this type of reading was valuable for students. I agree, but I don’t think it should replace literature. As homeschoolers, it certainly doesn’t have to.

I homeschooled for many years before I understood that educational hours did not always have to involve me. Kids can read and work independently. They can take classes, participate in extracurricular activities, and even help teach siblings. Begin to expand your definition of education, and you will be more confident that you are doing enough.

#3 Know you’re doing enough by developing key skills

The third way you can know you’re doing enough is if you are spending time developing key skills. My previous point may have had you thinking about unschooling. If you’re interested in unschooling, I recommend my podcast interview with Karla Marie Williams.  No matter how strictly you adhere to the unschooling philosophy, I believe it’s critical that we spend time developing key skills. Even if you don’t think your child needs to learn handwriting until middle school, Grandma may believe otherwise and give you a hard time. Your child may be thoroughly embarrassed if she doesn’t know her math facts while playing a game with friends. And while many children develop the ability to read later, it is critical that we spend time developing phonics and fluid reading skills in our students. You may choose to develop reading, handwriting, and math knowledge in whichever way you choose. Have your child use games to learn phonics. Use online programs like Starfall for reading. Or use  a book like Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. Whatever you choose, reading instruction is not optional in my opinion.

Handwriting too is an essential skill. I’ve learned over the years of homeschooling five boys that slow handwriting results in reluctance to do any type of seatwork. In fact, even math homework can be a struggle if kids are not able to write their numerals quickly. Choose the handwriting approach that works for you. Teach your kids to form the letters by writing in Cool Whip, use the handwriting app on your iPad, or use formal curriculum like Handwriting Without Tears. Whatever you do, have your child practice for short periods and consistently.

The next area that I believe is critical for our students to learn is math facts. Some homeschoolers have told me that they don’t believe learning math facts is important in the age of calculators. I couldn’t disagree more. Have you ever made a mistake with calculators? I do it all the time. When I am totaling my sales at conventions and I am told that I had $300,000 in sales, I am not hooting and hollering. Instead, I groan and know that I have to re-calculate. If your kids don’t know math facts, higher level math will be impossible. Without memorizing basic math facts, your child will be that cashier who panics when the cash register doesn’t tell her how much change to give you back. Again, you choose how to have your child master math facts. Use flashcards, stories, games, or competition to complete math fact quizzes in a short period of time as is taught by Learn Math Fast. But make the acquisition of math facts a priority in your homeschool.

#4 Know you’re doing enough by covering some subjects every other year

The fourth way to know if you’re doing enough is you are covering subject areas like social studies, science, and fine arts at least every other year. One of the mistakes I made as a beginning homeschooler is I thought I had to teach every conceivable subject every year. That is a recipe for homeschool burnout. Public schools do not teach calligraphy, map memorization, and astronomy, in addition to all the core subjects they have to cover to meet standards.

If you want to study one or more of these things, make room for it in your homeschool schedule. I love history. But I didn’t realize that I was not required to teach it every single year. The same with science. These subjects and even fine arts will be a part of your homeschool education even if they are not a specific focus. Field trips we have taken almost always incorporate history. My kids did science experiments of their own for fun. In the YouTube age, that’s even more likely. And art and music appreciation can be incorporated into a fun Friday rather than being a specific course.

I know, I know. I want to do it all too. And we we can do a lot. Just not all this year. Just not all this week. If you’re struggling to determine which curriculum to use, I recommend that you read the article I wrote on curriculum paralysis.

#5 Know you’re doing enough if you’re reading a lot

The fifth way to know you’re doing enough is that you and your kids are reading a lot. Reading is the gold standard for education. In truth, we can teach our kids all the other subject areas with reading alone. Sure, mapping, experiments, and writing are important too. But primary education is to be found in books.

I learned best by reading. In fact, my teen son asked me while I was cutting his hair how I had learned to cut hair. I explained that I found a very old book at a used book sale and that was all I needed. If your child is not a verbal learner, audiobooks can be a huge help. I have spoken before about the benefits of audiobooks and reading aloud for building vocabulary.

If you are in a challenging time in your homeschool because you’re pregnant, traveling, or caring for an ill family member, focus on reading. It will be enough.

#6 Know you’re doing enough by talking to veteran homeschoolers

The final way to know you’re doing enough is to talk to veteran homeschoolers. I laughed so hard when my new homeschooling friend was worried that her son wasn’t willing to follow her plan. Of course he wasn’t. It was too much and I empathetically told her so.

Sure, there are homeschoolers online who present their homeschools as though they’re reading a novel or two aloud to their family each day, reenacting a new war every weekend, and building a life-sized model of the ark this month. But most homeschoolers will be honest about what they are able to accomplish. I trust the members of The Homeschool Sanity Circle on Facebook to be real with you. They will read your plan and will tell you if you’re doing enough or more likely that you’re trying to take on too much.

Conclusion

In conclusion, if you are following your state’s or charter school’s guidelines, spending a reasonable number of hours on school for your kids’ ages, teaching key skills, covering other subject areas at least every other year, reading a lot, and you’ve gotten the green light from veteran homeschoolers, you can rest assured that you’re doing enough.

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How Homeschooling Can Be a Fulfilling Career

How Homeschooling Can Be a Fulfilling Career

I wrote what became a very popular blog post about why I wasted my education to homeschool.  I will summarize by saying that there were people in my life who thought trading in a PhD in psychology and clinical practice in a Christian clinic to homeschool was a waste, an obvious mistake. I didn’t know if they were wrong at first. I didn’t know what to expect from homeschooling. If you’re near the beginning of your journey, you may wonder what the future holds for you too.

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The truth about homeschooling and feeling fulfilled

I’m going to be completely honest and say that when I began homeschooling, my question was what about me? What about my gifts, what about my dreams? I even wondered what about God’s other call on my life, which I knew was to be a writer and speaker. To say that I didn’t trust God to work all things together for my good would be an understatement. I only knew how hard it was to parent three boys three and under. How would I have time for anything besides parenting, homeschooling, and homemaking?

If that’s your question, I have some answers for you gained through experience.

Truth: Homeschooling leaves less time for personal pursuits

The first truth I want to share is that homeschooling and parenting little ones leaves less time for your personal pursuits. Yup, I’m being Captain Obvious here. But what might not be obvious to you is that this season is short. Even with six children, I see how short that season was. When your oldest is unable to help you with any chores or responsibilities around the house, you will be busy. But as your older children mature, you will have built-in babysitters and a home maintenance crew. By the time I had my last baby, I never had to get him out of his crib. The older kids vied for the privilege of doing that. My older kids entertained the younger ones, were able to read to younger kids, and took on the responsibility of doing their own laundry. If you will allow your older children to help in your family, you can free up more time for those things you want to do apart from homeschooling.

Truth: Help is available

The second truth about fulfillment in homeschooling that I want to share with you is that if you’re married and you communicate your desire to your husband, he will help you. Now some of you may be protesting. Perhaps your husband hasn’t been all that helpful to this point. I would say my experience was the same. When my kids were younger and there were fewer of them, my husband was not doing as much child care and managing as many chores around the house as he does now. I think there are a couple of reasons for that that are in my control. What I mean by in my control is that my husband is reluctant to do things because of his own reasons. I have no control over that and neither do you.

But I did have control over my attitude. I had two attitudes that got in the way of my husband supporting me in being fulfilled in my homeschooling. The first was my supermom persona. I honestly made everything look too easy. My husband thought I had it all under control and therefore didn’t need his help. Men seem to like helping people who have obvious needs. I didn’t seem to need anything. Why would he help?

The next bad attitude I had was just the opposite of the supermom. When my supermom attitude wasn’t getting me what I wanted, I tried on the martyr role. I was the suffering saint, always at home with the children and doing it all with very little help. Do you know anyone who is a martyr? Are they fun to be around? I didn’t think so. Men want their wives to be happy. Instead of being a martyr, explain how happy the activities you want time for will make you. Demonstrate that happiness.  Read my post on how to be happy and homeschool too.

Besides our happiness, we can convince our husbands of the benefits of the other activities we want to take on. I explained to my husband that while having a business selling books to homeschoolers would require more of my time and my absence for conventions, we would enjoy the benefits of an additional income. He has been very supportive of me for the that reason as well as for the obvious happiness it brings me.

Without appearing as though you can do it all and without whining about your lack of help, talk to your husband about what it is that you aspire to do.

If you are not married, perhaps you have parents who are involved in your kids’ lives and you could have a similar conversation with them. But realistically, we may have to consider getting help with the kids elsewhere. We can hire a mother’s helper. I hired my niece to come in once a week when my kids were young. My daughter is a mother’s helper for a mom in our neighborhood. It’s a worthwhile investment in your sanity. But if finances don’t yet allow for that, you could barter time with a friend. Have play dates and one mom takes a turn watching the kids. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Truth: Homeschooling itself can be fulfilling

To this point I have been discussing fulfillment as something that exists outside of homeschooling. So you need time to engage in a ministry, start a business, or start writing. But even though these extra activities can be fulfilling as they have been for me, homeschooling itself can be fulfilling.

One of my favorite things to do is learn. Studying history with my kids and following all kinds of educational rabbit trails is one of the best parts of my life. Teaching my kids has been more fulfilling than I ever dreamed.

Because of homeschooling, I realized that I was born to be a teacher. I didn’t even consider it because I felt  people expected me to do something that required more education. But I began my childhood teaching my dolls and stuffed animals every single night. Homeschooling allowed me to rediscover my true passion in life. Now that I am no longer counseling people one on one, I find myself teaching instead. I teach on my podcast. I teach through my books. And I teach in sessions at conventions.

But what if teaching is not your passion? There are so many other ways for you to find fulfillment in homeschooling. Are you a leader? The options for you to take a leadership role in homeschooling groups are wide open for you. Where you may have had difficulty taking on a leadership position like that in a large traditional school, the smaller groups of busy homeschool moms can afford you the opportunity to share your gift of leadership.

Are you a natural organizer? After you have organized your own homeschool, you can help other homeschooling moms get organized, either as a business or a ministry.

Do you have a skill in art or music or computers or science? You have the opportunity to share whatever your gift is through teaching other students or creating your own curriculum as I have done. My friend Gena Mayo has a passion for music that she has turned into not just local co-op classes but courses that are available to all homeschoolers online. Check out her courses at Music in Our Homeschool and listen to the interview I did with her on easy ways to add music to your homeschool.

My friend Beth Napoli is passionate about technology. She used that passion to create a Facebook group for moms who are interested in using technology in their homeschools and she has used it to create courses that moms and homeschoolers alike can take advantage of.

I have another friend who uses her flexible schedule in homeschooling to put her decorating and organizing skills to work in planning parties and coordinating weddings. I have a photographer friend who taught photography in our co-op. In the process, she realized she wanted to return to it as a business. I also know many homeschooling moms who love to counsel others. They make themselves available to advise new homeschoolers about curriculum, parenting, and homeschooling in general.

Conclusion

Homeschooling itself can be fulfilling as you teach your children and enjoy watching them develop as people. But homeschooling is also a flexible lifestyle that allows you to explore other interests.

I never dreamed that homeschooling would become my most fulfilling career. Not only has it met and exceeded every one of my desires for my kids’ education, their family relationships, and their faith life, but it has given me the opportunity do what I love. I don’t believe that my ability to write and speak would have enjoyed as much success outside of the homeschooling niche.

I am not suggesting that every woman must choose to find her fulfillment in homeschooling. Even if they could, eventually the kids grow up and move out. But I am saying that homeschooling can be fulfilling. It has been for me and I am so thankful to God for leading me to it. I encourage you to pray about how homeschooling can be fulfilling for you too.

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How to Choose the Right Homeschool Curriculum

How to Choose the Right Homeschool Curriculum

Choosing homeschool curriculum is one of the most challenging tasks for a home educator, especially for someone new to homeschooling. I want to give homeschooling families sanity when it comes to choosing the right curriculum.

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The Right Homeschool Curriculum Fits Your Intentions

In How to Choose the Right Homeschool Curriculum, author Amy Michaels says that curriculum choices should help us meet our intentions for a student. If we intend for a child to learn to love reading, we will choose a different English curriculum than we would if we want a child to learn to write impeccable book reports.

Of course, before we can choose that right curriculum, we have to be clear about what our intentions are. What do you want your child to learn, experience, and feel in the study of each subject? Be clear about why you have those intentions too. If you are hoping to impress an anti-homeschooling relative with a child who is a top speller, you may be disappointed with the other effects of your choice (i.e., a child who dislikes spelling because of the emphasis put on it).

The Right Homeschool Curriculum Engages Your Child at a Higher Level

Students can be induced to regurgitate facts and perform well on tests with enough practice. But if your intention is for your child to love learning, you’ll be dissatisfied with a curriculum that merely asks for facts.

As homeschoolers, we have the opportunity to look for curriculum that provides opportunities to use facts in real-world applications. Our kids will be motivated and inspired to keep learning when they can use them in games, puzzles, and conversation. We are then asking our kids to think and not just recite.

Our students can take their learning to an even higher level with curriculum that asks them to create projects that demonstrate learning. Writing papers, creating posters or videos, and teaching others will cement the lessons they’ve learned for the long haul by demanding high-level thinking skills.

The Right Homeschool Curriculum Fits Your Unique Family

Your friends may rave about the reading-based, online, or activity-rich curriculum they’ve found, but there is no other family quite like yours. Learning style, teaching style, time available, and budget will all impact your choices.

Putting together a list of the characteristics of each curriculum choice is time consuming to say the least! That’s why I’ve created a features list of the best homeschool science, language arts, and math curriculum for you.

But even these lists won’t help you if you don’t know which of these characteristics matters most to you. My favorite part of the book How to Choose the Right Homeschool Curriculum is help in creating your unique rating form. Once created, you’ll be able to use it to evaluate the curriculum you already own as well as potential choices to determine if they are the right choice for your family.

Save 10% on the book with code SANITY

Kids can help us find the right decions too. Grab your free kids’ rating sheet for reviewing homeschool curriculum from ThriveHomeschooling.com.

Conclusion

When you know your intentions, when you look for curriculum that engages students at higher level thinking skills, and when you create your own rating rubric, the process of finding the right homeschool curriculum for your family is much, much easier!

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Teaching Apologetics in Your Homeschool: An Interview with Dr. Georgia Purdom of Answers in Genesis

Teaching Apologetics in Your Homeschool: An Interview with Dr. Georgia Purdom of Answers in Genesis

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When I began homeschooling, I didn’t know what apologetics was. I didn’t know how important it was as part of my children’s Christian education. Learning apologetics myself grew my faith and changed my life and my homeschool for the better. If you’re new to homeschooling or to the faith, I have a treat for you! I interviewed Dr. Georgia Purdom of Answers in Genesis and she had so many helpful suggestions. As a fellow homeschooling mom, she is a fantastic resource. Listen to the podcast by clicking the button above, or read my summary of our interview below.

Dr. Georgia Purdom

Dr. Georgia Purdom earned her PhD in molecular genetics from The Ohio State University.  After teaching as a college biology professor for 6 years, she joined Answers in Genesis in 2006 where she serves as the Ministry Content Administrator in addition to being a speaker, writer, and researcher. She also directs AiG’s annual women’s conference, Answers for Women, bringing relevant apologetics teaching to women. Dr. Purdom and her husband Chris have been married for 21 years and have a 14-year-old daughter Elizabeth. Georgia enjoys homeschooling her daughter and serving in children’s ministry in her local church.

What is apologetics and why does it matter for Christian homeschoolers?

Apologetics is knowing what you believe and why you believe it. 1 Peter 3:15 says, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you.” Science confirms what we believe. We have a reasoned faith.

The rest of the world is teaching apologetics too, but it doesn’t start with the Word of God. They teach evolution and millions of years — man’s ideas. These ideas can be very convincing. It isn’t enough to read the Bible to our kids and send them to Sunday school. We have to be quipped to respond to kids’ curiousity and to take advantage of teaching moments.

What’s the best way to begin teaching apologetics to young children?

First, don’t be intimidated. You aren’t teaching science. The world confirms what the Bible says. Teach them the 7 C’s of history. Genesis is the foundation for our faith.

What about teaching apologetics to older kids? What should we do when our child asks a hard question we don’t have the answer to?

Kids should understand the teachings of evolution. Be discerning about presenting materials that teach ideas contrary to the Bible. Discuss why these teachings are wrong. If you don’t have the answers, don’t panic. Be honest. Say, “I don’t know,” then find the answer and follow up. Use the Answers in Genesis website, our online bookstore. You can call customer service! Most importantly, trust that God’s Word is true.

What are the best resources for teaching apologetics in the homeschool?

Dr. Purdom’s Facebook page

Ken Ham’s Facebook page

Answers for Kids book set

Answers for Kids Bible curriculum

Answers Books for Teens

Four-Year Apologetics Curriculum

Apologetics Courses

Answers News

Creation Museum

Creation Museum Adventure

Ark Encounter

Conclusion

Apologetics in your homeschool is a powerful way of growing in your own faith. What resources have you used to teach apologetics? Let me know in the comments.

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What is a Homeschool Portfolio and Why Would I Need One?

What is a Homeschool Portfolio and Why Would I Need One?

Homeschool portfolio

What is a homeschool portfolio and how can it save our sanity? Read on for inspiration.

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First, what is a homeschool portfolio?

A homeschool portfolio, in short, is a record of what your child is learning. It might be a digital or print record, often kept in a binder.

It can include information about your child for that school year — height, weight, likes, dislikes, and friends, for example. A picture of your child is often a part of this page.

A homeschool portfolio can include goals for that student for the year. These could be academic goals like mastering multiplication facts, life skill goals like learning to do laundry, or social goals like learning to manage conflict with siblings. I did two episodes on that topic, by the way.

A homeschool portfolio can also include information about your child’s complete course of study: school schedule, subjects being learned, texts and outside classes being utilized, extra-curricular activities, books being read, and field trips taken. It is not, generally speaking, a lesson plan book with notes on which pages were completed on which days.

Finally, a homeschool portfolio can serve as an evaluative record. It’s a place for recording attendance, noting progress using tests or work samples, and adding end-of-term grades. It can be used for you and your student to assess how she is doing.

How a Homeschool Portfolio Can Save Your Sanity

That’s what a homeschool portfolio is. Now why do you need one?

The first reason you need a homeschool portfolio is to provide evidence of work completed if you are required to meet with an evaluator. The key information is all in one place for each student, keeping your anxiety about these evaluations to a minimum. Your organization in keeping a portfolio is likely to impress the educator you’re working with or at the very least will present no red flags.

But do you need a portfolio if you aren’t required to have evaluations? You might. Many states’ homeschool requirements can be fulfilled with a homeschool portfolio. Tracking attendance with number of school days and documenting your student’s course of study with work samples may be legally required. A portfolio is an excellent and easy way of meeting that requirement.

So what if you aren’t legally required to maintain a portfolio in your state? You still might want to keep one. The first reason is because you may need to present the information should your circumstances change. If your homeschooling would ever be called into question, your portfolio would go a long way toward documenting your work and protecting yourself and your kids. Should you decide to send your child to school at a later date, your portfolio can help a guidance counselor determine which courses would be most appropriate for your child and may even prevent your student from having to retake classes.

The second reason you may want to keep a homeschool portfolio, even if you aren’t required to, is so you can see your child’s progress. Homeschooling is a long-term project. There are so many days when you feel like you’re getting nowhere fast. Reviewing your goals for your child is likely to remind you that you have had significant accomplishments, even if your progress isn’t perfect. Your child may also feel like she isn’t improving. A record of work done at the beginning of the year and even from previous years will help her to see that she is moving forward.

Finally, you may want to keep a homeschool portfolio, even if you aren’t required to, for sentimental reasons. My husband has many papers from his elementary years and it is a joy for all of us to look at them. I use my kids’ portfolio when I put their school years’ scrapbooks together as well. Their artwork and written work can be scanned and added to either a print or digital scrapbook and will be enjoyed for decades.

How Do I Start Keeping a Homeschool Portfolio?

If I’ve convinced you to keep a homeschool portfolio, how can you start?
First, choose a portfolio. This portfolio from Not Consumed is a great choice. Or print this free pack from Talking Mom 2 Mom.

The most common way of keeping a portfolio is to use a three-ring binder. Use your portfolio printables to organize your pages. The free download includes pages for dividing your binder by subject area. However, you could also set up your portfolio using hanging file folders. Each child could have a wide hanging file folder with smaller subfolders or his own crate with folders for each subject. Yet another way of creating a portfolio is digitally. Use a program like Dropbox or Google Drive to create a folder or set of subfolders for each child.

Whichever method you choose, set it up before the beginning of the school year. Get started on filling out your goals and curriculum choices for each student.

Then ask your child to complete information about himself when school begins. You could ask your child to add books to his books list as he reads them. You’ll mark attendance each day. Add any tests or evaluations done to your portfolio as soon as they are completed. You may wish to collect relevant work samples near the end of the term. I remove sample pages from the beginning, middle, and end of a child’s workbook, for example. At the end of the year, discuss progress on goals with your student and you and your child can note your thoughts in the portfolio.

Conclusion

The process of keeping a homeschool portfolio can be a rewarding one for you and your child, whether you are required to keep one or not. Choose a portfolio printable or digital approach and get started using your portfolio today.

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Your Parenting Approach: Homeschooling, the First Year

Your Parenting Approach: Homeschooling, the First Year

When I began homeschooling, I immediately discovered that disciplining my children was central to my homeschooling success. If I couldn’t get them to obey me, I couldn’t teach them. Even though I’m a psychologist, I spent a lot of time reading about how to discipline. I’ve learned a lot over the years and I want to share some principles with you that can save you time as a new homeschooler.

Parenting Approach: Homeschooling, the First Year #homeschooling #Christianparenting

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Three Parenting Approaches

You may have read that there are three basic approaches to parenting. There is the authoritative approach. This is the most balanced, healthy style. You’re the authority in your child’s life, but you extend plenty of grace. You enjoy your children and they love you as well as respect you. There is also the authoritarian approach. This style takes authority and commands very seriously. Swift obedience is valued above relationship. Demands for obedience are often accompanied by anger and harsh punishments for failure to comply. This approach can lead to children who obey outwardly but inwardly burn with resentment. The authoritarian approach puts parental demands above the child’s needs. Finally, there is the passive approach. The passive approach also puts the parent’s needs ahead of the child’s. In this style, the parent does not demand obedience or respect because discipline is too much work. The parent doesn’t provide consequences for misbehavior. The child feels unloved and is ill equipped to function in a society with other authority figures.

I doubt that you would put yourself squarely in either of the latter two categories. Instead, most of us see ourselves as authoritative parents. However, when we are under stress, tired, or overwhelmed, we will tend to revert to one of the less functional parenting approaches or both.

How We Can Use a Functional Parenting Approach Even Under Stress

The key to being a positive parent even when we’re hangry, wiped out, or PMSing is to plan ahead. We need to know our triggers and have a response ready.

Which misbehaviors get to you the most? Is it acting out in a public place? Is it not picking up after you’ve asked? Is it fighting? Make note of these.

Then consider which situations lead you to revert to an authoritarian or passive style. Is it when you’re short on sleep? When you’ve had no time away from the kids? When you’re running late? You’ll also want to make note of these situations.

First, decide with your spouse (if you’re married) what your family rules are. It’s a good idea to have your rules posted and to review them with your children regularly. Next, decide which consequences you will use for violations of these rules. Consider these.

  • Spanking. This is most effective for outright defiance or blatant disrespect in young children. However, avoid physical punishment if you are prone to anger OR if you have a child prone to anger. There are other forms of discipline that are more effective in this case.
  • Scary persona. Giving your child the eagle eye or using a certain tone of voice is enough to correct misbehavior with some children in some situations.
  • Privilege levels. You can keep track of the level of privileges your child is using a cork board and a pin, for example. This system requires an understood and achievable means for a child to return to higher privilege level. Using this approach with multiple children can be challenging.
  • Refuse requests. As described in How to Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman, refuse to comply with your child’s next request after misbehavior. For example, “You may not have a snack.” “Why?” “Because you wouldn’t come inside when I called you.” The advantage of this approach is it requires no pre-planning and can be very effective.
  • Guided obedience. When young children refuse or are slow to pick up toys or go up to bed, guide them with your hands (without anger) until they are complying on their own. Thank them for obeying, even though you are providing the guidance.
  • Time out. Putting a child in a place where there is no opportunity for reinforcement (no access to toys, books, or interaction with others) for one minute for each year of their age is an effective strategy for many children. The same can be done with a toy that isn’t being used properly or is being fought over.
  • Put fighting children in close quarters. Insist that siblings who are fighting stay in a small room (like a bathroom) until they can stop quarreling. Insisting that the squabblers wear a single large shirt, hug, or hold hands until they stop serves the same purpose.
  • Fines. If you give your children an allowance or earnings for chores, you can discipline misbehavior with a fine. Keeping track of your child’s money on an app on your phone makes it easy to fine wherever you are.
  • Confinement. A young child who doesn’t like to be restricted can be seated in your lap with his back to you. Firmly hold his right arm with your left hand and vice versa for a minute for each year of age. Do not speak to your child after explaining what the misbehavior was, but require him to remain in your lap.

Make note of which approach you will be using. The simpler the better.

The final step in avoiding an unhealthy parenting style is to prevent the situations that lead you to adopt them. If you know lack of sleep is a problem, make sleep a priority. If your sleep deficit is unavoidable, avoid other stressors that will put you over the edge. Get a nap. Tell your children that you’re especially tired and need their help and definitely ask another adult to help you. Eliminate activities that contribute to stress and plan ahead so you can be at your best. Lay out shoes the night before and leave earlier than you need to for actiities. Review the rules with your children before you go to public places. For example, “If you beg for something in the store, we will leave immediately.” Then follow through.

Conclusion

Improving your parenting approach is a lifetime activity. Give yourself lots of grace for making mistakes! Pray, read Scripture, and talk to other parents about their struggles. You’ll find you’re in good company. But any effort you make to improve your parenting approach will pay off in improving your homeschool.

Which parenting approach do you revert to when you’re stressed? What misbehaviors are most likely to lead to that? What discipline strategy would you like to try going forward? Comment and let me know.

 

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